Isn't it bad enough that we lost our babies (vent)

GabrielsMom · 02-18-2005, 04:33 PM

Isn't it bad enough. ...? And then we have to deal with people's stupid comments? People don't understand what we're going through and make no effort to TRY and decide that they know what's best for us? I've really HAD IT with people's idiotic advice.

I won't go into details because I know that even on this forum, people tend to be short on sympathy. I understand. We're all too busy dealing with our own pain to have to put up with others' pain.

If my real life support group met every night, it still wouldn't be enough. (I think I stole that quote from someone else here, I'm sorry).

Isn't it enough that we lost our babies? No... we fight with our husbands, we lose our friends. We feel misunderstood and unloved every day of the week? I've never been a popular person, but I've never felt so alone in my life.

Isn't it enough that I lost my son? No... the pain just keeps on coming from every direction.

hopeful408 · 02-18-2005, 04:42 PM

hi dear
yes, i'm with you on that! when i told a friend that i was pregnant, she said, "you better be careful because it could end with miscarriage and blah blah blah" i tried to keep my enthusiasm with her and all i wanted was a congrats and not to worry, a week later, i lost the baby.....it hurt so much that even now, i hurt thinking that my due date is getting near (3/13/05)..............
don't worry, you'll have more babies later.........they say but they don't realize that i'm not like another fertile woman, i have pcos and sometimes timing is everything for me.............
i'm so sorry for your loss, i know what it feels to have something you desire with all your heart and then taken away in a blink of an eye..............
take care and stay strong!

angelzmom · 02-18-2005, 04:46 PM

Adrienne
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I do remember that pain, and I am so sorry for your loss. My losses were over 7 years ago, but I still have hard days. I also know what you mean about losing friends, that happened to me with 2 that I thought were my best friends. But I have to tell you that my 2 closest friends now are 2 ladies that I met in my MIS support group (Miscarriage, Infant loss & Stillbirth). There is a bond between us that can only be between mothers of angels. Others may feel sympathy for us, but cannot fully understand unless they have lived through it.

I hope that you find a friend like that, in your support group or anywhere else for that matter. If you want to vent to someone who has been there my email is angelzmom96@yahoo.com You are not alone

Kath

saluki_fan · 02-18-2005, 04:50 PM

Ladies,

You have both just summed up everything I've been feeling lately. It's not enough that I lost my first baby AND then had a chemical pregnancy, now it seems that everyone around me is getting pregnant and laughing about how fertile they are to my face. And they are all the people who were unsupportive when we lost ours! (To be fair, none of those people know about the chemical PG or PCOS - we didn't really tell anyone about those things.)

I would never wish a m/c or pregnancy loss on anyone, but sometimes I do wish that others could better understand my pain. This is such a lonely, painful and isolating experience.

Hopeful408, my due date was March 9th, 05. So we were only 4 days apart. I will be thinking of you as these dates approach.

I'm so glad I found SoulCysters because now I know there are other people out there in the same boat as me...

I'm here for anyone who ever wants to talk, rant, vent, cry, etc. You are NOT alone!

GabrielsMom · 02-18-2005, 06:31 PM

Feel the love!

Thanks for the responses. And feel free to keep the vents coming. It's soooo good to be understood!

hopeful, I'm sorry your friend was so negative. That was a horrible thing to say

My due date is coming up in April and I, too, am not sure how I'm going to deal with it. It's so difficult.

Kath, I am pretty sure I will make friends at my support group. I feel such a deep connection with them. And, strangely, it feels good to comfort them in their pain.. it's almost like we're all sharing the weight of the pain together. I can't really describe the feeling, but I think you know what I mean

saluki_fan... I wish you the BEST. I hope you get that full-term pregnancy and a baby in your arms asap

I always say that I can never replace Gabriel, but I don't think I will ever start to heal until I have another baby. I feel like I'm in a bad limbo. And then I wonder if I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment. *sigh* I guess I won't know until I am there....

RoxieInPa · 02-18-2005, 10:50 PM

Hi Cysters. I know how you all are feeling. I just had my 2nd loss on Monday 2/14/05. With my first I was 14w when my water broke. 14w 2d when my angel went to heaven after my mom "delivered" my baby (long story) Ppl told me "It's for the best" Well I want to know .... they best for whom? NOT ME! and "THe baby prolly would have been retarded" and what? I wouldn't love my child anyway?!?! (testing showed 100% normal baby) or "You will have others" OK now everyone knows about my PCOS and have to take Clomid but even if not for that ... I don't care I wanted THAT child too. I could go on for days as to what nasty ppl told me

That bring me on to my second loss. I was 5w 6d. WHat did ppl say to me? "It's not like you were far along so it wont bother you" HELLO!!!! STILL MY CHILD!!!! A child I wanted or I wouldn't have been on Clomid!!! and "Just try again in a few months" Well I don't know if I will try again. DH wants to but I don't know if I can handle it. THis is too hard for me. I don't know how my mom did it a total of 9 times!! Yes my mom lost 9 babies! Although I have 2 older brothers and myself ... I can't see myself doing this again.

Gnzls924 · 02-19-2005, 01:16 AM

When i finally returned to work, I talked a little about what happened to me with a very close co-worker. Throughout she had been a great friend, with the exception of this one little comment she made.

We were talking about "love" and what the definition was. I gave her what i thought was MY definition of love. She countered with "I don't think what your saying is what love truly is...I think you truly know the definition of love when you become a parent and your childs little annoying qualities are so endearing to you"

yes, she said that!

I looked at her like she was a complete idiot...and reminded her that i did have a baby...but he died. And after everything I went through for him, if that is not love, then i don't know what is. I told her flat out that experiencing love is not exclusive to parents only...She just stood there and took it...she learned a valuable lesson that day...to think before putting her foot in her mouth!

Hang in there Adrianne....there are stupid insensitive people all around us!

*Clarissa* · 02-20-2005, 12:12 AM

April - I know exactly what you are referring to with your anger in this post. That thread. I will not elaborate, but I know that you know which one I am talking about. I am still boiling mad about it too. Some people are so insensitive. I have never encountered someone that mean on SC. I finally had to get off line before I really blew up at her.

I just wanted t you to know that you are not alone. I am sorry that you had to have that encounter with that girl. I am sorry that I did to. But I am here for you, we all are. I know all to well that alone feeling. Just reach out to us when you feel like that. We are here for you when you need us.

Tetley · 02-21-2005, 11:56 AM

I'm really sorry to hear about your losses. I lost my baby, Connie, last April because she had Edwards Syndrome - I was only told by the doc that I had PCOS five days ago & I'm still getting my head around that.

Her due date was the day before my birthday in September. I had no idea what do with the day... how to mark it. I wanted to do something. In the end I wrote her a letter, tied it to loads of balloons, found somewhere beautiful and let it go.

I have been regularly jolted by the things people said, and still say. I think the worst was the funeral director who kept enthusing about what a great opportunity my daughter's death was for him to promote his company to the hospital to get similar business...

I did, thank God, get wonderful support from the women around me who had experienced a similar loss.

I'll be thinking of you in April.

Tetley

hopeful408 · 02-21-2005, 12:13 PM

lots of xoxo to all my cysters!

saluki--i will also be thinking about you, and i hope that we can smile and look up at heaven and tell our babies that they will be in our hearts forever!

ReneeBeth · 02-21-2005, 03:51 PM

I think we're all special, and for some reason special people get more obstacles in life. Or something. I don't believe that, but I do believe we're all special. For some reason, we are living in our own hells...and sometimes it does not seem to get better.
Yeah, I'm still thinking about kicking my husband out. Losing our son just...killed our marriage, and turned my hubby into a heartless jerk. He still is, but he claims to be trying. I'm too sick and too tired to deal with that situation right now, so basically I'm ignoring my hubby until I figure things out. Doesn't matter, he doesn't notice

When I found out I was pregnant again, I wish I could be happy...I could go back and have my first reaction be me crying, or screaming out with joy. But it wasn't. I knew what EVERYONE would say when they found out. I was right. My husband didn't believe me, didn't smile, nothing...just wanted the blood work for proof. My parents found out the other day...was trying to wait to tell them, but had to go to hospital and tell them why.
So my mom's first words after i told her "oh no..". Thanks, ma. My dad...I couldn't tell him, he has a bad heart, and I didn't want to hear anything bad happen. So my oldest brother told him. I guess he called me a little later after he heard. He said he just had to smoke when he found out. Yeah, with your bad heart, being told even one more smoke can kill you, and you smoke when you find out.
Not one person (in my family) said congrats. Nobody said anything nice. They are still like that.

I don't know if I will have a happy, healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy, I wish I knew what would happen. But I know that I want to run away now, get away from everyone...and have this baby myself...so he/she will never have to hear the "oh no" and bad things that stupid people say.

hopeful408 · 02-21-2005, 05:34 PM

Hi Renee
after reading your post, i became angry with your hubby and family, i'm sorry, but right now you need tons of love and understanding and most of all support! you are truly blessed with your baby and if no one else is happy, screw them! take care of yourself and look out for your convenience most of all, i hope the best for you and baby and may you enjoy happy nine months!

saluki_fan · 02-21-2005, 05:49 PM

Renee, I agree with hopeful408 above. You have to look out for Number One here, and right now, that is YOU and YOUR BABY! I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months with a beautiful healthy baby at the end.

GabrielsMom · 02-21-2005, 07:09 PM

Roxie - I hate that "it was probably for the best" saying. I wish nobody would EVER say that about ANYTHING. It's never "for the best" when a baby dies! It's never easy. I had someone say that to me once, and I was so flabbergasted that I just had to walk away, right after saying "Actually, there was nothing WRONG with my baby." *sigh*

Diana, I can't believe that comment your "friend" made. That's just horrible. I don't even know what to say about that. I can't decide if people like that are idolizing their families, or totally taking them for granted. Either way, it makes me mad.

pa1nter! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! That's all I can say. I needed the affirmation that it wasn't just ME. Thank you. The good thing that came out of this is that I was so mad that when I got home from work, I went straight to Curves to work out my anger. That felt goooooooooood!

Tetley, I can't believe that funeral director. That man shouldn't have ANY business at all with that kind of attitude. And I've heard that many places will donate services for the funerals of children. And all he can think about is his bottom line. That makes me sick.

Renee, I'm sorry about all that you're going through. It sounds like your DH just really doesn't know how to deal with the death of his son. I hope he comes out of it, for the sake of his next child. He's probably pretty scared too. But I definitely agree with those above - do what is best for you. If you can find a way to get away, do it. *HUGS*

Pamela · 02-21-2005, 07:40 PM

I can't believe what some people say!!!
((((((((((hUGS))))))) to all of you!!!!!!!
Pam