Thanks Melissa, I hope you are going well. Would you believe I've just come off the plane & the first thing I've done (nope not unpacked my bags) is jump on here to see that everyone is still well here! But its quarter past midnight & I should get some sleep. But I'm doing really well - hell I survived the holidays!!! (still can't believe I did it!).
Warning: Long, and about to talk about myself at length!!!
HOW ARE YOU ALL???
I've missed you sooooo much.
I go back to work, first day tomorrow, and I'm nervous!!! Not just cause first day back, but because some of you may recall there was a little incident on our break up day. Basically alcohol involved & OUT OF CONTROL behaviour that I can't remember but apparently happened that lead to me apologising to basically everyone. Hopefully I still have a job tomorrow!! Seriously.
Well just before the holidays my doc upped me to 20mg of Lexapro, and the result is a MUCH BETTER Jane - YAH!!!!! Except for a couple of side affects some of which I had previously on the smaller dosage and all of which I can live with except, wait for it, its tragic - I can no longer orgasm!!!! Which is enough to make a gal depressed I reckon!!! This has NEVER been a problem before. Oh well you can't have it all.
Aaah the holidays. My GP warned me that my inlaws go 'dysfunctional' around this time. She was right. So stuff happened. Blah Blah Blah. There were some difficult moments. I had a good time with my own family. There were a few other issues. But you know what? I don't need to go into them. Because one of the things I've learnt is that I survived the holidays. I AM STILL STANDING. And that gives me a boost. I have had THE toughest time in 2005 but I'M STILL HERE. I might not be dancing down the street but I'm here. I AM STRONG, I AM getting through it.
So that lead me to other realisations;
I may be a registered nutcase but there are PLENTY of unregistered ones, and at least I'm doing something about it. I want to live. I actually want to live. I just don't like living with pain. I'm going to have a baby. One way or the other, I'm having babies. For the next 4 months I'm going to concentrate on ME, not ttc, not anything, just getting physically & mentally & emotionally fit & healthy and finding out as much about pcos & endo & depression as I can (I've already made an appointment with an Endocrinlogist but have to wait until march). My feelings/emotions may seem illogical but they are VALID. I will still keep having the bad days but I WILL get through it.
So now that I've raved on about me, please tell me all about you! How are you, where are you at with your therapy etc...
WOW!!! Way to go Jane! Not only did you survive the holidays, but it sounds like you've made a TON of progress towards your goal already! That is SO AWESOME!!!! Your feelings ARE valid and you're so right about the unregistered nutcases. I think us registered nutcases are probably better off, because if we know we have a problem we can seek help and work to get better. Keep fighting!
I'm doing pretty well...lots of work to do (at work), but it's a good feeling to be working on things and getting stuff done.
Don't stress too much about the side effects until you've let it kick in for about 6 months. I've found my side effects getting less and less each month.
And you're not a nutcase - you suffer depression! There is a HUGE difference!
Hello Kath, tell me everything that has been happening over the last few weeks..
On the Lexapro, I don't want to be on it anymore! Now that I feel better its tempting to go off them but I know this is a big no-no. Ow getting cramps again (AF Has not left since december 20!!). Excuse me..AAAAAAAHHH
Ok, where was I? Yes, I need to get off Lexapro if I want to get pregnant as they haven't done enough tests to see if lexapro is harmful to a foetus or not. At the time my GP said the earliest I would be able to come off is in 6 months, and that the risk of something happening to a foetus she felt was small in comparison to the risk of me not being on them.
Physically I'm worst - with the ongoing AF & if I thought I had excess hair before well...that was nothing!!!
But I'm still here, still standing, and a little hair ain't gonna stop me.
I'm still kinda stuck on a few things though-
self hate: why is it there and what can I do about it? Do I need to find out where the self hatred & destructiveness comes from or can I just try something to feel self like?
anxiety: its like a habit for me even with the lexapro, not sure how to reduce that
life: what is the meaning of it, like what is my PURPOSE. I feel like I'm missing something (not sure if the third one makes sense)
no motivation: I think someone else mentioned apathy, and I have this now I think worse now that I'm on lexapro except now I'm lazy and I'm not too bothered by it!!!
Interested in your thoughts on the above but would also love to hear from Demora, Catwoman, ABumpyGal and anyone else I've missed - tell me about your holidays!!!
I know, if you feel your drug is the wrong one, it is difficult to ride out the time it takes to work through them. And with SSRI's it's definitely best to listen to your doc and go through the full 6 months to year to get them happening - not only to work it through your system... but it just might turn out to work once you let it settle in! But do keep with your doctor and let him/her work you off it if you still want to come off it - as doing it on your own can make things WAY worse!
As for the self hate - I'm full of it myself, so I don't really have any answers there. But my counsellor is helping me work through it. Are you still going to counselling? My counsellor recommended a book to me, by I think Julie Field, called "Creating Self Esteem". I've got it on hold at work, I'll let you know what I think when it comes in.
One thing I do know works for me are Bach Flower Remedies. I use Larch which is for self confidence, and it does help. It's very subtle, and I wouldn't say it completely fixes things, but there is a definite improvement. I've ordered Crab Apple, which is for self esteem. If you're interested in learning about them, just Google "Bach Flower Remedies" and have a look at some of the info.
Take care of yourself honey. WE CAN beat this. Both of us!!
I may be a registered nutcase but there are PLENTY of unregistered ones, and at least I'm doing something about it. I want to live. I actually want to live. I just don't like living with pain. I'm going to have a baby. One way or the other, I'm having babies. For the next 4 months I'm going to concentrate on ME, not ttc, not anything, just getting physically & mentally & emotionally fit & healthy and finding out as much about pcos & endo & depression as I can (I've already made an appointment with an Endocrinlogist but have to wait until march). My feelings/emotions may seem illogical but they are VALID. I will still keep having the bad days but I WILL get through it.
Hi Jane!
This paragraph was so great I wanted to see it twice!
Isn't it just amazing what a little time to reflect and a wee tweak in meds can do? You've done an amazing amount of work therapeutically in just a few weeks! It can take many years to realize the things you realized over your holiday. That was amazing Jane!
It was very sweet of you to think of me ((((((hugs)))))) We had a pretty good holiday ourselves, you know why? Partner and I HID! No dealing with anyone's dysfunctional family, just he and I spending time alone together. Best holiday I think we've had ever!
I hope work goes ok hon. I'll be thinking of you!
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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self hate: why is it there and what can I do about it? Do I need to find out where the self hatred & destructiveness comes from or can I just try something to feel self like?
This one is tenacious and can take a lot of work and time to eradicate. Even then, I think everyone has a certain amount of self-doubt, even the most mentally healthy folks. If you keep working with your therapist they should be able to help you get back on your feet with liking yourself again. How I did it was I first identified my issues. For me it was my weight, my physical attractiveness, and an overall feeling of "not deserving" anything even if I worked hard for it. Over the years I did what I could to move towards what "I" wanted "me" to look like. To do that I first had to even figure that out, as I never really had. I just wanted to be "perfect". Well, no one is, so I wasn't going to acheive that. So the first thing I did was never look at a fashion or beauty magazine again and I limited my TV time, as I didn't care for it anyway and it just pushed false "ideals" in my mind. This helped me figure out what *I* really found beautiful about other real people out there in the real world and myself.
I'd focus on one thing at a time, to make a huge task more manageable. For example, I think I have very beautiful hands and am lucky enough to be able to grow long natural nails. So I bought new manicuring supplies, new nailpolish, everything I could find to pamper my hands. I'd take meticulous care of them, delighting in how beautiful they would look after being so well treated and polished.
Once you can see the beauty in that one part of you, move onto another part and just keep repeating the process. It's slow going, I won't lie, but doing all of these little things just for me helped me focus on myself and see that I wasn't the hideous creature I had imagined. I spent nearly five years on my hair alone, but I was rewarded with thigh length, soft hair in lovely condition that gets me constant compliments. Losing all of the weight I had to lose has taken me almost two years so far and I still have about thirty pounds to go, but I'll get there. Doing all of these things gives you a sense of accomplishment, helps you improve things about your appearance you worry about, and in the end you feel proud of your accomplishments. Sometimes even beautiful
The feeling "not deserving" is proving to be more difficult to shift. That problem runs deep as it comes from how I was raised and treated as a child. It's these kinds of problems that therapists really excel at helping your unravel the cause, help you solve it as best you can, which will hopefully lead to a resolution of the problem. It's very slow going and very hard work, but the payoff is so great it's worth it and then some. Now that I finally know the source of so many of my negative feelings I can work on identifying that negative voice in my head that is telling me silly things like "he'll leave you for someone better". Now I'm learning to talk back to it and think about how silly those negative thoughts really are. Like with the "he'll leave me" example... it's been nine years, do I really think it would take him that long to "find someone better". No, that's silly! It's been nine years because he thinks I am the someone better. Keep saying it to yourself, which seems kind of silly and strange at first, and you'll believe it eventually!
Whew! Solving problems makes for long posts!
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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Aren't you girls just the best?!
Hey I had a dream about you all last night!!! We were on the OPRAH show. She was doing a special on PCOS. Nicole47, ABumpyGal, Catwoman, Demora were on the show talking about PCOS and in particular this site (Kat Carney was also there).
Then Kath (aka SleepyDumpling) and I were waiting back stage as a 'surprise from Australia'.
It was the best dream I felt like I met you all!! We all hugged and cried. Hehehe how funny.
Well after many many months, last night wait for it....I actually CRIED. Why because
a) I was listening to Coldplays "FIX YOU"
and
b) I got my results from my gyno yesterday afternoon and I ovulated again!! Thats twice in 10 weeks. Anyway I'm going to post more about it in Whats on your mind, because I'm still confused but its good news right?!
Finally the self hate thing I do really need to work on - the physical thing yes but its also as Dana said - the not deserving thing. Even though I know its not logical, I don't believe I deserve good because I'm not a good person all the time, when something bad happens I believe its because I bought it on myself. I think that's why I cried when I ovulated because I thought just maybe just maybe this means I do deserve to be a mummy after all...
Thanks for all your advice - you should all be therapists. Incidentally I go back to mine on the 24th (and I'm confident she's going to be very impressed with me!!).
That's such a cute dream! *hugs!*
Way to ovulate! I sure wish I could do that. And congrats on being able to cry about it!! Your therapist is totally going to be impressed.
Dana-- I wanted to rep you for that post ("very inspiring") but apparently I have to spread the rep around a little more before I can get you again.
Funky dream... wish it would come true Jane!! I love Oprah, PCOS should have a whole show devoted to it, I'd love to go to the US and I'd love to meet all you Cysters!!
Jane - How are you? 
