Just can't get it together

kohina · 10-26-2009, 10:09 PM

I started going to the local community college because I had nothing going on for me but I'm so depressed that I didn't go today. Right before I started school I felt that I was getting on the right track. Even though I had no friends, no boyfriend and no job it felt like I was doing something productive.

I feel even more isolated though and I've stopped caring about everything (including my grades). I don't have any problems talking to people but I feel like I can't relate to anyone. I'm living in societal absurdism where my only source of solace is in the works of Camus. My dad tells me I need to get a job and start saving so I can move out of my Grandpa's house. I just can't bring myself to work another demoralizing retail job though even though I know it's the smart and practical thing to do. Sometimes I just want to get up and leave everything and become a wanderer.

I'm at a place in my life where I don't know what to do. I have no motivation. I have no desire to live the American dream. I have no desire to fit in with normal citizens. I suppose the only thing I do desire is to be with a man that understands me but I doubt it's going to happen. I just feel trapped, depressed, and directionless. I wish I had been born as a simpler animal.

Happy Wife · 10-26-2009, 10:29 PM

You say you don't care about school and grades but then you say you don't want to work another demoralizing dead end job. That should be motivation to to care about school. Without an education the chances are good that these are the kind of jobs you will be stuck doing. I have been there and done that. I was 30 before I finally finished my B.A. and I am now working on my teaching credential (I am 35 now) You also should also figue out what you want and who you are and be happy with yourself before you worry about finding a man. My younger sister is a lot like you and every relationship she has been in fails and does not last more than a few weeks because she does not know who she is or what she wants. I really think you may be suffering from depression and I think you may need to see a counselor before it gets any worse. I know how you are feeling (not felling as though you belong anywhere) and I let my depression go for so long that it almost cost me my marriage and even my life.

kohina · 10-26-2009, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy Wife

You say you don't care about school and grades but then you say you don't want to work another demoralizing dead end job. That should be motivation to to care about school. Without an education the chances are good that these are the kind of jobs you will be stuck doing. I have been there and done that. I was 30 before I finally finished my B.A. and I am now working on my teaching credential (I am 35 now) You also should also figue out what you want and who you are and be happy with yourself before you worry about finding a man. My younger sister is a lot like you and every relationship she has been in fails and does not last more than a few weeks because she does not know who she is or what she wants. I really think you may be suffering from depression and I think you may need to see a counselor before it gets any worse. I know how you are feeling (not felling as though you belong anywhere) and I let my depression go for so long that it almost cost me my marriage and even my life.

I know school is the only way out of crap jobs but I can't seem to get motivated for it. I was in the beginning but I've lost all motivation now. I keep telling myself "What's the point"? I have no end goals in sight for community college either. I could always transfer to a university but I don't want to be stuck with student loans which will be an inevitability. I'll probably hate whatever career I choose to follow anyways. My family around me says I shouldn't worry about finding a man either but I've never experienced love and I'm in such a rut. I'm not saying love is the solution to said rut or anything but it would be nice to have something good happen to me for a change. I've been on plenty of sh*tty dates this year to know it's not going to happen anytime soon though.

I've been on anti-depressants for years and I have little respect for therapists. They usually give me common knowledge advice that I could find in my "Feeling Good" book. I seem to baffle them. I'm pretty sure I know who I am and what I don't want..it's figuring out what I DO want and how to get there that's got me so down.*sigh*

Happy Wife · 10-26-2009, 11:17 PM

A good place to start is to think about what interests you. Do you have any hobbies? What kind of jobs interest you. No matter what you will have to take classes you don't want to or don't like. Even if it has nothing to do with what you want a degree in take some classes just for fun. If you like art maybe a graphic design, photography, or ceramics class. Maybe you like music how about a choir class. You may find people you actually have something in common with and can talk to or hang out with. As far as transfer to another school, yes student loans may be inevitable but it may not have to be that bad. I transferred to A California State University system school from a jc. I had everything but my major done and only had to spend 5 semesters there. The JCs in CA have become so expensive that the CSU schools are not that much more than the JCs and you can always get grant money too. If you really want a degree don't give up. The most important thing I learned in college was that the only one that could prevent me form succeding was myself. I was told form jr high on I couldn't go to college I now have 3 AA degrees and a BA degree and soon I will have a teaching credential.

Vixy · 10-27-2009, 02:07 PM

Hi Kohina

I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm deaing with depression too and am having a hard time with things. I have the "perfect job" from everyone elses point of view and I absolutely hate everything about it and it makes me so miserable. No one seems to understand why I want to leave and I always get the comment of "people would kill to have your job". I now know this job isn't for me but haven't got a clue what to do next, I thought about going back to university and doing nursing however part of me thinks even if I do that will I be happen or will I be stuck in the same position. I guess i'm just kinda at a loss, i've considered emigrating elsewhere with my bf and starting again and seeing if that helps but then again I think it might just end up the same. I could actually see myself just stuck on the sofa watching tv all day at the moment and life just passing me by as I have no energy or motivation to do anything.

On the positive side of things i've just started seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist to see if that will help things, so we shall see what happens!

Hope you manage to get your life back on track and decide what you want to do x

ReneeBeth · 10-27-2009, 02:28 PM

Joining the club here.
Depression is so long-term/bad I have no friends, no interests, no future.
I also have crippling fatigue - so even the random times I feel the urge to do something, I'm too tired to.
I have had depression since I was a child, and the hormones from the PCOS only makes it worse (which is why it is important to do something for the hormones if you have depression and PCOS). Currently Metformin is helping my hormones, my testosterone is lower than before and I have less obvious signs of hormone surges, but I still have issues at the start of my period.
I also have tried therapy, on and off since I was 6, and I never got anything useful out of it. The times in my life where I was happy... I had reasons to be happy. When I was first married, when I finally got pregnant after 5 years of trying, when I was in a seemingly good relationship. I think sometimes you have depression for a good reason - and that is where I am now.
I decided to do something to try and improve my life - have SOMETHING good happen. I was sick of waiting for good things to come my way so I am stepping up. I am having weight loss surgery next month. I hope losing weight will help me get out more, get the PCOS better under control, and help my depression.

What you need to do is seriously find something major that you can change in your life. School might not be it, although I would still keep trying if I were you (college was not for me, but I do wish I had finished it). Maybe find a local exercise buddy. Take a fun class at school - I took pottery, art classes, music history, archery... classes not for eduction but fun and the hopes of finding something enjoyable.

You need to give yourself an edge somewhere... find something you can do that might have a positive impact in your life, even if it takes time.

Blah. This circle is a ***** to get around. You are depressed because you have nothing going for you, you have no motivation to do things because you are depressed, you do not enjoy things because of the depression. You want a good relationship and friends but you are too depressed to connect with others. It is a hard loop and you need to find something to break the cycle.

Do you like animals? One thing I enjoyed was volunteering at an animal shelter. Sadly my allergies were too much to handle, but I still had fun and met people while I was there.

Find something. You can find something.

kohina · 11-02-2009, 05:31 PM

Thanks for the responses guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I didn't go to school again. I don't feel well. I was so stressed this weekend and I don't know if that has something to do with it but I feel like such a loser for not going. I'm going to fall behind and this is probably going to give me a bad grade. I don't know what's wrong with me.

My grandfather's younger brother just died last week and I realized that my grandpa probably isn't going to be here much longer. He has been supporting me and his house belongs to the bank so when he passes I'm not going to have anywhere to go. I have no savings, no job..I don't have anything. I'm very scared and worried but I'm also apathetic about bettering myself. I don't even know where to start.

Tina Castle · 11-06-2009, 03:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kohina

Thanks for the responses guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I didn't go to school again. I don't feel well. I was so stressed this weekend and I don't know if that has something to do with it but I feel like such a loser for not going. I'm going to fall behind and this is probably going to give me a bad grade. I don't know what's wrong with me.

My grandfather's younger brother just died last week and I realized that my grandpa probably isn't going to be here much longer. He has been supporting me and his house belongs to the bank so when he passes I'm not going to have anywhere to go. I have no savings, no job..I don't have anything. I'm very scared and worried but I'm also apathetic about bettering myself. I don't even know where to start.

I'm in the same position you're in. College doesn't seem as exciting to me as it was in the beginning and I'm slowly losing interest.

I really have no friends except those I text off and on, but I don't have an interest in them. I do have a boyfriend and I can tell you right now that is NOT the answer to your problems. It sure isn't the answer to mines.

You just have to get excited about something. Maybe pick up a hobby (I discovered writing and that's all I want to do now). Find something you're interested in and go for it.

Getting a counselor would be helpful. My advice to you is to finish the semester out and then take the spring off. Find yourself and the happiness you deserve.

dooby · 11-13-2009, 04:41 PM

I can really relate to what you said kohina. I feel the same way sometimes.
A couple of months ago I took my bicycle loaded it up with a tent sleeping bag and some other stuff and cycled across France to Spain. It took me a month and I felt so happy the whole trip. And their was no,well intentioned, kill joys telling me I need to get a job.
If you were serious about becoming a wanderer, I sometimes feel like doing the same thing or filling a bag with books and living in the woods for a year or two. Joseph Cambell did something like this.
Even just writing about it to you makes me feel excited. of course their are some problems with this lifestyle but I'm sure I'll figure them out.
Anyway I just joined cause hearing someone else say they thought about becoming a wanderer made me feel like I wasn't so crazy after all

Take care

Scott