Just found out and need to talk/vent

Jessie Rae · 09-09-2008, 02:57 PM

I was only about 5 weeks along and I tried not to get to excited about the possibility that I really was pregnant, but it's so hard not to! I didn't even mind the morning (or all day for me) sickness

DH was so excited and all he could talk about was babies, names, boy or girl...I loved seeing him so excited and happy...then it happened.

Yesterday morning was the first morning I wasn't horribly nauseated which worried me a bit but was still hopeful. Then I started bleeding...just light spotting nothing too bad. After that came the horrible cramps and backache and heavy bleeding. My poor wonderful nurse at my ob/gyn had to deal with me all day but thank God for her understanding! Now it's just a waiting game to see if everything "clears out" on it's own or see if another D&C will be necessary.

DH was so disappointed...yesterday morning he kept saying "You could still be pregnant!" but last night when we went to bed he finally accepted it and said "you really aren't pregnant anymore are you?" I told him no and he just held me while I pretty much cried myself to sleep.

I'm sorry for the depressing recount, but I really don't have anyone to talk to who would understand...my best friend is getting married this weekend (I'm the MOH...and i'm excited for her, but right now just ugh...) DH is at work (I had to force him to go though) and I really don't want to hear "Well at least it ended so early, at least it didn't happen later on" which is what I know a few people would say because I've heard them say it before.

Sorry for the novel ladies but thanks for letting me vent!

CocoRumGirl · 09-09-2008, 03:20 PM

I am so sorry for your loss, Jessie. You and your DH will be in my prayers during this difficult time.

AnotherDreamer · 09-09-2008, 03:37 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. (*hugs*)

I lost mine at about 5 weeks, and I just could not function for weeks. I didn't leave the house. It was tough. It still is.

I got all sorts of comments, and I agree. The most horrible thing people said to me was, "It could have been worse." I got that from a lot of people, and I wanted to smack all of them. They just don't get it.

Big hugs to you, hun.

NewStart07 · 09-09-2008, 08:53 PM

To Jessie and Another Dreamer I am so sorry for both your losses

. Jessie, I know what you are going through as I am currently trying to deal with my m/c as well.

My husband and I had been TTC for over a year (even before we got married) with no success. We made an appt. with the RE in July because of my age and the fact of the PCOS and I found out 2 days later I was pregnant. Needless to say we were ecstatic because we did this on our own. FINALLY! Over the last few weeks, I just started to enjoy my pregnancy (I was under the RE's care for the first 8 weeks, so there was a lot of testing, poking and prodding that I wasn't able to truly enjoy my baby), but that enjoyment didn't last very long. I just suffered a miscarriage this past Monday (09/01/08), I was 12 weeks 5 days. The Dr. told me what I was feeling with my m/c was similar to being in labor because my water broke and I had contractions. Needless to say, I am heart broken because my little angel...Emily Marie...was taken away so soon.

Over the last few days I've blamed myself a number of times, wondering if I did something wrong? I was supposed to be going into the next phase of my pregnancy where you hear that the chance of m/c was much lower...yeah right! Over the last week I've also blamed God for letting me get pregnant in the first place, only to take my angel away so quickly and I've started to become frustrated with my husband for bouncing back so quickly. Sometimes I feel like he didn't care as much as I did, even though in my heart I know he cares and I know he feels the pain too. My husband doesn't understand why I am not up to having dinner with our friends who are expecting a baby within the next month. I've tried to tell him that while I am not writing them out of my life, it's just too soon for me to be around pregnant women, newborn babies, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those women and know they deserve a baby just as much as I did...it's just unfair that my child was taken so soon.

It's also been hard because I've had people call to see how I was doing. I know they mean well but it kills me when they tell me that "this was probably for the best since there was probably something wrong with IT" or "look on the bright side, at least you know you can get pregnant." I want to scream, but instead I just bite my tongue. Yes, I know I can get pregnant, but I also just found out that I can miscarry as well and that "IT" that you are referring to is my child.

I am trying to take things one moment at a time right now. I cry at different times during the day depending on when I get the rush of overwhelming feelings. I've been out of work for the last week to deal with my pain, so crying on a whim has been no problem. I can't do that at work, so my first step is going back into the office this week and finally facing people. That is really going to be hard for me. I know it takes time, but I wonder how long will it take to move on? My husband and I are going to TTC again, as soon as the RE gives me the OK and as soon as I start to feel better. However, like other women I am scared to death of going through this again.

alwayzrn · 09-09-2008, 09:06 PM

I am so sorry for all of your losses! I still believe losses aren't fair, but who said life is fair. I have to believe that the Lord had a reason for taking my babies to Heaven before I got a chance to really know them. I hope you all get peace really soon!

Chickiechicky · 09-09-2008, 09:10 PM

I am so sorry hun. I can't even imagine what you're going thru but my heart goes out to you.

T&Dplus4 · 09-09-2008, 11:23 PM

Jessie..... so very very very sorry for the hurt your feeling and the loss of your baby! I know what your going through....and my heart aches for every single women whom has to go through it too! ((HUGS)) to you, and I hope each day gets easier!!

Jessie Rae · 09-09-2008, 11:28 PM

Thank you all so much for your sweet words, thoughts and prayers! I knew that this is the one place I can turn where the women REALLY understand.

I think one of the hardest things was the e-mail I got last night (right after the heavy bleeding started) from one of my friends (of 16 years!) announcing that she's expecting. It's not that I'm not thrilled for her and her husband, it's just going to be hard facing her at work tomorrow (we both work at the church...she's in the day school and I'm in the nursery) not to mention how hard it's going to be to care for all the little babies knowing I just lost one.

As for the "at least you know you can get pregnant" oh I hate that!! My wonderful wonderful DH just doesn't understand...he actually told me that tonight thinking it would make me feel better. I tried to laugh it off and agree, but I couldn't help but cry...he felt so bad! I know he meant well though...

Thank you all again! I don't know what I would do without this forum!

SassyMKB · 09-10-2008, 01:51 PM

So sorry for the losses. I think that overall people who haven't experienced it just don't know what to say. Whether we were pregnant for a minute or full-term, we are still suffering the loss of our child. I think that's what people don't understand when they say things like "must have been something wrong with IT" (I hate the IT too!) or "at least you can get pregnant." Neither of those comments acknowledges the LOSS we are feeling. Just wish I could communicate that.

I didn't tell many people we were PG, but anyone I've told about the m/c I carefully word that we "suffered a m/c." We didn't just have one, like someone has a Coke - we suffered one in every sense of the word.

As for being around others that are PG, I can totally understand not wanting to. We have a family event in a few weeks with a ton of kids and babies and I told DH last night that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle going.

We all need to grieve in our own way for however long it takes.

MinRCTB · 09-10-2008, 04:07 PM

I feel your pain and am truly sorry for your loss. I can say without question that there is no greater loss...

Realizing that I am still hurting from my loss in July, (Faith Legacy was 17 weeks) I can assure you that although you will stop hurting badly, you will always remember the precious child that was in your uterus... And please allow yourself to have those memories and to grieve that loss fully.

One of the mistakes I made was thinking that the pain would disappear after a while - I have lost other family members and although the tears fell and the pain was there none of those deaths including of grandparents prepared me for the tremendous grief I felt when I lost my baby...

I will keep you in my prayers.

anita0920 · 09-11-2008, 06:57 PM

I am so sorry for all the ladies & your losses. My

goes out to you and just wanted to send you all hugs

mkbaby74 · 09-12-2008, 12:39 AM

I'm so sorry! I just had my 4th miscarriage in July and I know your pain. I wish nobody had to feel it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending you lots of hugs!

c.a.rogers · 09-12-2008, 01:19 AM

Jessie, I am so sorry, just let yourself grieve you are in my thoughts and prayers I know it is such a difficult time for you. Take care of yourself.

Carol

Purple_monkfish · 09-15-2008, 01:13 PM

My man seems to have bounced back too.. i'm still up and down. I have good days and bad days. I guess he didn't endure the whole thing, it wasn't really real to him at any point.

I know where you're comming from on the excitement. When I found out I was pregnant again I was delighted but scared. I THOUGHT I was about 8 weeks along.. I was wrong. I was in a lot of pain, more pain than I recalled with Cian so I went to A&E. An u/s told me I was only 5 weeks along at most. My dates must be wrong... in my heart I suppose that was the point I knew things weren't going to end well. I dearly dearly wanted to believe that it was just my dates being out.. I ovulated late... the odd implantation the technician had mentioned was fine.. right?
then I started to spot. I wanted right then and there to resign myself to losing the pregnancy but a part of me wasn't ready to let it go. I continued to delude myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe it would all be ok. After all, you hear stories of women bleeding and baby being fine all the time!
Bah.
I had to wait two weeks... two weeks of on and off spotting and abdominal pain before they finally confirmed it. I'd miscarried, the sac had never developed beyond 5 weeks.

People don't know how to respond... that much is true. I've gotten "oh well it wasn't meant to be", "at least it was early", i've had statistics quoted at me because apparently saying that 10% or whatever pregnancies end in miscarriage is meant to make me feel better about my personal loss (wth?) and at the other end of the spectrum... downright disinterest. Some people don't know what to say so they say nothing.. which hurts just as badly if not more. To them there never was a pregnancy, they just want to forget it ever happened. It's not that easy for the one who actually goes through the phsyical and emotional pain... I don't think i'll ever get over it, I'll always remember that final ultrasound.. the agony the technician put me through both emotionall and physically (she hurt me so badly, honestly.. I was in tears even before they told me my baby had died) and I can't get the memory of that blood out of my mind... it haunts me adn I think it always will. It was hell.. pure and simple. I can't think of any other word to describe a miscarriage aside from pure and utter hell.

MinRCTB · 09-16-2008, 01:36 PM

I don't believe we will ever forget the pain - and as my beloved husband shared with me after I delivered Faith Legacy (m/c-17weeks) he held the baby in his arms for a moment but I held her in my heart for her entire lifetime...