Just getting it out. Sorry, but some details here that may be disturbing...

ReneeBeth · 10-08-2004, 11:38 AM

So it's Sunday, about 8pm. I just got home from the airport. I wasn't feeling good, to the point where my husband had to push me in a wheelchair through all of the airports. Then when we finally got to our airport, we had to take a bus to our area and have my mom meet us there. The bus ride was horrible, it was violently bumpy. I hated every second of it. But we finally got there, my mom picked us up, and I finally got home. I dropped all my things, and ran right for the bathroom. I sat down, went, and had a huge sigh of relief from the now empty bladder. Then I looked down. I saw nothing but bright red. I leaked right through my underwear, through my pants, and most likely left a bloody spot on the bus.
Instantly my mind goes back. I had been cramping/spotting since the week prior. No big deal, right? I had that before, it was stretching pains, and maybe a yeast infection coming on. But then I added that, with this bright red. I cried and ran to the phone. I told my mom to come back, I needed to go to the hospital right away. I told my husband, and he quickly grabbed food and got ready to go.
We got to the ER, and I gave the nurse my info, and they immediatly sent me to LDR. My husband was now slightly freaked out. As was I. I didn't want to be in LDR, I thought maybe I had a infection, or maybe the bumpy ride pissed off my cervix. But they wheeled my up to LDR. I was put into a special triage room. Nothing special, just a nicer emergency room with a baby monitor and such. They right away checked for baby's heartbeat, and found it..along with him kicking the mic so it would make a loud noise. we laughed at him. then they put the monitor on the check for contractions and left me for a while.
The doctor eventually came. She did a pelvic. She said there was lots of blood and mucus, and I was dialted 1+ and had a soft cervix. I didn't believe her. She then said they've been watching me and I've been having contractions. I felt pain/cramps, but I thought I had to have a bowel movement. She said that was the contractions.
Then she explains what some options are. I honestly was in so much shock, I don't remember most of what she said. Eventually they went and gave me a high dose of this motrin-like medication, said to help stop contractions and stop the labor process. I was no longer having cramping. I was happy, I thought it worked. Then an hour later, the doctor came back to check me. She didn't say anything during the pelvic this time. She finished, and sat down and held my hand. I didn't want to hear what she had to say.
She said I was now dialted to 3+, and had membranes coming out now. Again, in shock so I don't remember much of what she said, but basically she said this was it...I was going to lose this baby. She explained it might take a long time. She gave me options, and a 2nd doctor gave me options, and everyone told me to go with the option that speeds up the labor. They moved me into a real LDR room. With the baby bed, and all that in it. They then put in that pill into my cervix, to make the labor progress faster. They kept on asking me if I wanted a epidural. I thought I could take the pain, so I said no.
Things were going all night. I don't remember half of it, really. Actually, I can't remember anything. I just remember it being around 10pm, and next thing I know it's 6am the next morning. I don't know what happened during those missing hours.

So now in LDR, I was having fairly regular contractions. They were getting worse and worse. I was crying half the time, still not believing what was going to happen. The nurses came in and out, and sometimes asking me the worst questions. Eventually they had me fill out a death certificate. I was still not believing things.
At some point, before 9am, I started having just horrible horrible contractions. I could feel things pushing down...I was screaming and crying. I eventually told them I think I wanted a epidural. They said the Dr. needed to check me again, then I could have one.
Again, no idea of the time here. But right before the Dr. checked me, I got the worst of the contractions...they told me to bear down a bit, and push a little. Just to see if it would help. They then left the room, to get the Dr., and while they were gone, it happened. My husband was standing next to me holding my hand, I was bearing down a bit, and suddenly I hear a big rip/pop and felt/saw a huge gush of fluid. I got the whole bed soaked, the floor, the walls...everything. My water broke. My husband just looked down in shock, and ran into the hall crying for help for me. He didn't know what the hell just happened.
The Dr. and nurses came in...and told me my water broke. The Dr. then checked me, and said I was previously 4+, and now went back down to 2+. I asked her how long it would be now, and she said it could take hours, or another day. I cried. They left us alone. Some time passed, and I had no contractions..no pain..nothing. But then slowly I got the pressure back, and told the nurses I was ready for the epidural.
So eventually the Dr. came to do the epi. It hurt more than it should have, but I guess it wasn't bad. But while sitting up, I started having the heavy contractions again. Once the epi was in, I tried to lay back down. I had full-contractions now. Worse than before. I felt pressure, the epi numbed EVERYTHING, except where I was feeling the pain/pressure of the contractions.
I started feeling something...something right there. I didn't want to push. I told the nurse it was coming. She called the Dr. It took forever for the Dr. to come. Forever. I kept on crying and screaming it was coming, I didn't want to push..I was trying my hardest not to. The doctor finally came and checked me. She right away gowned up, and the nurses got things ready. She made me open my legs and try to push.
I felt all the pain, the epi didn't fully kick in until after. I did one big push, and I felt it. I wasn't looking down, I refused to..but instead I looked up. I then noticed the mirror above me, and caught a glimpse of what I just pushed out.
I started crying so hard then, and covered my eyes. I couldn't look. I saw the baby...still attached...and he moved. I saw it. I didn't want to. I turned my head just to look at my husband. He had tears in his eyes, and he was just looking right at me...didn't peek down even once. Then the Dr. told me to push real quick. I did, and looked up just in time to see the placenta come out, and then carry the baby to the warmer.
I cried so much from this point on. I didn't believe what just happened. I looked over once at the nurses and doctors hovering over the baby warmer, only to see a little leg move up. I heard them mumbling, saying they hear a heartbeat, but not breath sounds. Within a few seconds, I heard them say they had no movements, and nothing but a faint heartbeat.
I just cried and cried now. I don't know how long it took, not long, but eventually the room cleared after all the doctors and nurses came to talk to me and tell me it wasn't my fault. The nurse left was the one who stayed until I left that room. She was the one cleaning the baby, wrapping him up, taking care of the paper work and such.
She asked if we wanted the baby now. I said yes, but I couldn't do it yet. So my husband said he would hold him now. She handed him this tiny little thing wrapped in one of those hospital baby blankets. I didn't see much, just a little flesh of the forehead. So I peeled down the blanket a little, and saw his face. I then started crying again...harder than ever. I don't know what I was screaming, but I was screaming and crying for the next while.
My husband was just crying and looking down at the baby. The nurse at some point asked us his name, and I decided Daniel Benjamin would be it, instead of what we thought we'd name him all along. Eventually, I was able to peel the blanket back again, and really look at him. He was a baby.
I don't know time frames and all, but at some point I asked my husband for the baby. I held him. Cried. Eventually peeled his blanket all the way off, and took a good look at the whole baby. He was a real baby. I still wasn't able to touch him, just look...and cry. He was a fully formed baby. But he didn't have any hair, his eyes were still fused shut, and he was a really dark maroon color on most of him, they say normal for early births like this. But he was a real baby. He was bigger than we thought he'd be. More real than we could have imagined.
I guess I finally had the need to touch him. From the first time I touched him, he was cold. But soft. So soft. I felt everything, moved it all around. He was real. So real. Everything was just like a normal baby. He had little fingers and toes. His ears, they were so tiny, but they had a little point where I had one. He had my ears. Staring at his face, he had my husband's face. But he had my lips. His mouth was open the whole time, but his tongue was blocking his airway, so he was never breathing. At some point I pushed his mouth closed.
That is when I started screaming and crying agian. With his mouth held closed, he looked exactly like my husband. He was my baby, he was my husband's baby. He looked just like him. I couldn't take it. He was real. He was really a part of us.
He was born at 11amish, and I think we held him for 2-3 hours. I didn't hold him the whole time...my husband took him sometimes, and the nurse took him, too. She took his measurements, weighed him. She got his footprint on several things, too. She then took his pictures with a Polaroid camera, and a digital. She did a bunch of things with him, but then gave him back to us.
Once we got him back, I totally unwrapped him from the blanket, and just touched him all over. I looked over everything. He was just so real. I even went and checked to see if he was really a boy. He was. He was my little boy. I eventually realized I never got to see the back of him, so my husband gently held him and showed me his back. He was so soft, but I then noticed why he never could have made it. He had a small little bottom, but no real anus yet. I showed the nurse, and she said sometimes it doesn't form until later.
Eventually, it was time for me to move up into the normal recover room, where people usually recover from surgery and such. I think I said goodbye to him, but I know I didn't do as much as I wanted to. The nurse took him, and put him back in the warmer. A minute later, someone came to wheel me into the new room. On the way out, I asked my husband to kiss him for me, and tell him we loved him.
I was just crying the whole way through the hospital. I didn't care who saw anymore. I couldn't take it. I got to the recovery room, the nurse came in to say how sorry she was, and explained the room I was in and everything.
I guess I forgot to mention the blue box. in the LDR room, the nurse had prepared a box for us. It was a memory box, with all sorts of things she put in it. Before she took the pictures of him, I convinced my husband he'd hate himself if he didn't baptize his son. So the nurse brought in the jar of holy water, and put some in this sea shell. And my husband did it.
Well, in the box was the sea-shell he used. There was a blanket, and matching little shirt. Neither used for the baby..but still. There was also a knitted little blanket, which I do remember her holding him in for just a moment. The hat they had on him, it was in there...the hat still had some blood and such on it. There was a little birth annoucement paper. Just had my name, time of birth, his footprints and measurements and such. There was some journal on the bottom of the box, I never really looked at it much...just a journal to write in. There was this tiny heart pillow in there, which she had him with in one of the pictures. There was a little poem or prayer book, sorry I can't remember which. We also had 4 polaroid pictures of him in there...hardest things to look at. On the flaps to open the box, one side had his footprint, the other his name and measurements. I added things to the box. His u/s pics, 18week u/s report, the armbands and ID bands we had in the hospital. The prayer book hubby read from at funeral. A few other things, just about all I had to remind me of him, both before and after birth. The box is now sitting on my fireplace mantle, next to the 7 day Shiva candle we lit right after his funeral.
So I got out of the hospital Tuesday afternoon. I gave birth to him Monday morning. I was in the normal recovery room for 24 hours basically, and all I did there was cry, cry...hold the box, look at all that was in the box, and cry some more. But we got home, and yeah, I just cried some more.
Daniel Benjamin was born October 4th, and we buried him on October 6th. He was buried in a pre-civil war jewish cemetery. Very remote little area. But it's a nice country-like setting right where the cemetery is. He was buried in this little off section, special for babies. I think he'll be the last one in the row (there is only one row in the area he's in). He is right on top of the hill, right next to where the woods start. It really is pretty there. I was so sad to see the casket. It wasn't really a casket. It was a styrofoam little casket. Had a "H" carved into it. It was small, but really big compared to him. As we were getting into the car, after Chris said the prayer and we sat there crying for awhile, we looked back and saw them lower him into the ground. I looked back and couldn't believe it..and kept saying "I just buried my son..."
I still don't believe I had to do what I did. The whole thing. I don't want to believe it happened, it wasn't real..I didn't just have to experience this. But the cramping, the bleeding, the pain where the epidural was, and now the milk I'm leaking...all constant reminders of how real this all was. I just lay in bed, or on the couch, crying most of the time. I stare up at the candle burning, or at the blue box next to it. I do sometimes open the box and go through things while crying. I don't know why I do that to myself, but I don't want to forget anything.
I buried my son. It took 5 years to get pregnant. I got pregnant at the worst time possible. But i did it. I was sick the whole pregnancy, but I was pregnant. Finally. Then it ended like this. It ended.

As some of you (mainly ones in Feb due date thread) know, I was in Florida because my dad was sick. He had a heart attach, then long story short, they found more damage and problems than they thought possible. Well, right now he's worse than ever. He went back into ICU, and now has machines breathing for him. He's in cong. heart failure. His lungs are full of fluids and blood. Before the tubed him, he was imagining things, didn't know who anyone was, and was caughing up blood. They say if he makes it, there might be brain damage. But he may never recover. He might be in the hospital forever, or he may die. We don't know.
I wasn't allowed to tell him about Daniel. They said if I told him, it would be instant death to him. But for some reason, I didn't care. I feel that he *has* to know he had a grandson, and his name was Daniel Benjamin. He has to know before he dies. But I'm not allowed to talked to him. They, his doctors, say if/when it's possible to tell him, I can talk to him and tell him. But that most likely will never happen.
So, I lost my son. My beautiful son. So sweet and innocent, and gone. I'm mourning him, so much, and now i'm also expected to deal with maybe losing my dad. I think my dad would tell me to forget about him, it was his time, and think of my son. I think that, and that is what I'm doing. My dad always put me first, and always wanted me to be ok before him. So I'll keep that up. He wouldn't want him making things worse for me. I already had "a talk with my dad", in my mind, while crying about Daniel. I told my dad I was sorry, but if he died I couldn't fly down to Florida to be at his funeral. I couldn't be near all the people. My family knows about Daniel dying, but nobody else does. So they'd all ask me about the baby, and I can't sit there and explain to all those people that I lost my son. I can't. I won't. I told my dad this, and I just see and hear him telling me it's ok, I shouldn't be there.
So if he dies, I told my doctor and she said ok, I'm going to check into the local psych hospital. I need help with my depression anyways, and this way I won't be expected to fly down there. I can be alone, and not have people bug me, or yell at me like they will if I don't go.

So here I am. Crying about my son, waiting to hear the worst about my father. I am so empty inside. I hate it.
I don't know what else to say. But I really hate all of this. I hate it more than anything. I don't want to have to do this...it's not real...

SheriKCMO · 10-08-2004, 11:56 AM

Thank you for sharing, Renee. I'm glad that we can be here to listen. I know this pain, and it is the worst a mother can feel. Together, I believe, we can bear it a little bit easier. Hang in there, cyster.
Your friend,
Sheri

amy_k98 · 10-08-2004, 11:58 AM

Renee,

I don't know you but my thoughts and prayers are with you, your DH, and your son.

Amy

Canadian Kokopelli · 10-08-2004, 12:02 PM

Renee, I cant even imagine how you must be feeling. Please know that we are all here for you any time that you want to talk.

JESS4HOUSTON · 10-08-2004, 12:36 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and DH are in my thoughts and prayer. I pray that god will ease your pain and give you the comfort that you and dh need.

tonyarn · 10-08-2004, 12:47 PM

I wanted to reply to your other thread yesterday, but SC wouldn't let me.

After reading this, I am just crying and crying...for you, for me, for Daniel, and for Tucker. I am glad you held him and had pictures of him taken. That little blue box will become your most important possession. If you are anything like me, everything I have of Tucker's (pictures, blankets, etc.) go with me wherever I go.

I know you are not ready now, but if you'd like to talk, you can PM me. Please don't be afraid to talk to others about your baby, I always say I'll tell anyone about my baby who will sit long enough to listen. It will help you heal (it helps me anyway). I definately recommend a local support group, probably offered by the hospital.

I have a whole list of stillbirth message boards that have been so helpful to me, if/when you are interested, let me know.

(((HUGS)))

kis95 · 10-08-2004, 03:25 PM

I am so very, very sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you're feeling right now, and I pray that you find peace.

Do what you need to do. Look after yourself. Most of all, thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful son with us.

*pEaNuT* · 10-08-2004, 03:43 PM

((((HUGS)))) You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers..

tndrmrcies · 10-08-2004, 03:44 PM

Renee,

I'm so sorry for you loss. All our hearts ache for you, your son, and DH. It seems like there are so many of us here from the Feb. due date board. I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. We're all here for you when you need to talk.

Hugs and prayers,
Karla

santa'sbaby · 10-08-2004, 03:56 PM

I cannot imagine what you are feeling but I can tell you my heart is broken for you...

I will pray for peace for you and comfort in this time of sorrow.

May God give you that and understanding.

April

AmyLynn156 · 10-08-2004, 05:41 PM

I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and DH and your son. This has to be the worst pain you have ever felt and I hope that someway, somehow you will feel all our thoughts and prayers for you!

Amy_53405 · 10-08-2004, 10:59 PM

Your story has me in tears and I can't begin to imagine the pain you are in. I hope you do find peace and I will keep you in my prayers...

AvivaElona · 10-08-2004, 11:41 PM

Renee I would give so much just not to have had you had to go through this terrible loss. I've cried every day for Daniel. You know I'm here for you.

Aviva
saying the kaddish for Daniel Benjamin.

CocoRumGirl · 10-09-2004, 01:37 AM

I am so sorry, Renee. You, DH and your precious baby boy are in my prayers.

CathyWood · 10-09-2004, 02:04 AM

I am so sorry about what you and your dh had to go through. I feel for both of you. I hope that you are both holding on to each other and talking. Thanks for letting us know.