Its cold and gloomy, pouring down rain today... pretty much expressing what I am feeling inside. I can't bare to turn the tv on, I am bound to see pregnancy & baby related nonsense... radio plays the same 5 songs over and again. Friends are all working or have lives of their own. Family lives a billion miles away.... DH is working until midnight tonight. He tried to get it off, but he took yesterday off and the stupid girl that was going to cover him today "called in sick".
So here I sit in silence.... alone, empty, confused and angry. Lost completely to what happened inside me these last 6 weeks.... dreams I dreamt for my child fading into the distance, plans we made for the summer now crushed. Christmas, our favorite holiday, will now be tainted by the memories of what should have been.... and never will be. This summer's family reunion, we were going to break the news, finally, we were going to be parents! Oh how I imagined the smiles, the laughter, the joy in everyone's eyes.... the hugs, the tears, how I ache for it so.
Life was going to be great for the 3 (maybe 4) of us... things looked so promising. Conceived against the odds.... thought for sure a Miracle from God..... but miracles don't die, they don't fade away into nothing... so once again, we have been deceived, deceived by my body, my womb ..... and sadly it feels, by God Himself too....
So much anger welling up inside, I just don't understand WHY! I am sure before the day is out, on the news will be some horrific story of a baby found unwanted, dead in a dumpster... how many stupid women will conceive/deliver babies today, babies that they never wanted and will only abuse and abandon.... yet, where are my babies.... dead, gone and torn from me....
I don't know what to do, we wait for endless tests next week, and test results from the tiny baby I passed... omg how much it ached to hand that little beautiful blob of mine over to them, when I know the fate he/she faces.... ripped open, poked, prodded... and thrown in the garbage. We go back to the long grueling task of TTC again... more tests, painful procedures, temping, pills, unwanted-overly planned sex for days on end, waiting.... testing.... disapointment, tears, anger, frustration.... how many months/years will it take this time.... Its just not fair.... I really hope some day God will tell me why things had to be this way....
Thank you for letting me vent... I will now step down from my poor pitiful pity party stool and move on with my day, the best I can. I just wish that I didn't have to do this here alone..... again, for the second time.
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
On a TTC break...
Goal: Lose weight! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I have been following your story for awile since my loss and I was so happy for you.I have not even been brave enough to try since my loss. I pray for you and your husband. My due date was 4-21-07(Sat) and no one remembered but me. I was so hurt. Then to top it off a girl at my church who was due 1 day before me had her baby at church Sunday. I tried to keep it together but my emotions felt raw. I know what that dark place is like I have lingered in and out since my loss in September.Remember you are not alone.
Hugs
KIM
__________________ KIM(32)
DANNY(31)
MARRIED SINCE NOV 1996
MOMMY TO EVAN (4)
Mommy to angel baby
Lost at 7 weeks sept 06
Kim, I am so sorry no one remembered your Angel's due date. **HUGS** Its really hard when no once calls, sends a card or comes over to give you a hug.... it sucks.
If it helps... no one remembered Angel's due date either... except DH & I. We did a balloon memorial. Did you do anything special?
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
On a TTC break...
Goal: Lose weight! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
kim im so sorry youre going through this again, i also cant belive how insensitive your brother was i read that in rant thread. my heart really is breaking for you. take care xxxx
__________________ SIAN XX me-25 DH-34 m/c 2004 bfp round 5 clomid bfp march 08 but ended in ectopic.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Kim: You are never truly alone. Please please hang in there. Look to the threads here for that support in return that you so often have given out. Praying for you during this difficult heart-wrentching time.
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Your writing is heartbreaking... your pain is palpable.
I wish things had been different for you. I wish there were an explanation for you. I wish no one ever experienced what you're experiencing. I'm so terribly sorry. Most of all I just wish you weren't alone there, with your family so far away and your DH at work. When you're ready, might you try a pregnancy loss/grief group?
I wish there were some words that would heal you, but I know there are none.
Thanks ladies, sorry about yesterday... I was really getting hit by the depression cloud, HARD! I am feeling a little better today, DH is home with me. So, that really helps!
***HUGS*** thanks again!!!
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
On a TTC break...
Goal: Lose weight! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I'm so sorry for your losses!! I hope spending time with the little ones' daddy helped. That is definitely the main thing that kept me hanging on. My little girl existed because of our love, so it is with Brad that I feel her presence the most.
Hugs to you both!!
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Just letting it out... *sighs* 
