Aww, it sounds like you're having a tough time! You have a lot of questions, most of which I don't have any answers. I did want to tell you I'm listening, though and you are not alone. Sometimes, our bodies just don't make the right chemicals to keep us completely healthy. Think of it kinda like a vitamin deficiency. If we get enough iron, our bodies become tired. In our case, some of the other parts of our body have a defeciency. That is why we take anti-depressants. To help out our body. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You just need a little help. Keep taking your meds. Someday, you might be able to go off of them, but maybe not. I was on Serzone several years ago and was able to go off. But, now life has sent me a few curves, my chemicals are a little off and so I need some help. I'm now trying some different types to find out what is right for me. Hang in there. Life will get better. I'm sorry about the hardships in your life. Feel free to vent here as often as you need too. That, too helps. {hugs} Lendi | 
