Well, last week a co-worker and I talked about lossing my son. She said that she was surprised and worried about me because I wasn't acting 'human'. I was acting like everything was ok, and I was ok, she was waiting to talk to me, but was confused by my actions. I confessed to her that I was completely falling apart on the inside and wasn't doing to well. I also told her that for some reason I could not cry in front of my DH. Not because he didn't want me to, but because I tried to hid my pain in front of him, not wanting to have him upset too. Well she said I needed to cry in front of him. On the way home (1 hr drive from work) DH and I were talking. I got quiet, and then he asked me if I was ok, I shook my head and started bawling. I was also driving. So he held my hand and we made it home fine. We sat in the driveway and he just held me and I cried and cried. Then when we went into the house, I went to the bedroom and layed across the bed, he layed almost on top of me and held me and just let me cry. I screamed, cried and cursed and just let it all out. We stayed like that for about 30+ minutes. Afterwards he went and picked up dinner, and I started cleaning (always helps when I am upset..cleaning lets me think). He came up to me and said " I was wondering when you were going to let it out. This may not be the only time, but I want to make sure you know that I am always here for you, no matter what baby, let it out!" I am so blessed to have him by my side. He has been so tender with me, and I have tried to make it so he has no worries, trying to be a good wifey. We laugh together more now, we talk more and we share our feelings more. We are more affectionate, we hardly ever fuss...things like fussing and the things we used to fuss about seem so trivial now. Loss has a way of putting things into perspective for ya. Also, we were talking about his children from a previous marriage..he said they were all big babies...8+pounds each. Then he said "You'll see." I just looked at him, and he said "You will." and kissed me, that made me feel so good. He has faith that we will have a child together, that helps me to keep the faith also.
I feel so ok right now that I am hesitant to go to my Social Worker's appt this morning...but I will go.
My fear now is not being able to get pregnant again. And that fear is matched by the fear of lossing another child. But I will just have to leave that in God's hands. I just want to enjoy my DH right now. I think I would be afraid if I got preggo right away. I need to talk with my doctor again, need a few questions answered.
I went on Wal-Mart.com and designed a ring in Tyler's honor. He was due in March, but he was born in September, so this is what it looks like....
This is the one DH likes the most. Simple but just what I need.
I still miss and love my Angel. But I am getting through this now. I only break down when I am at work...I work at the hospital on the same floor I was on when I was admitted. But today is an ok day so far.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
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Getting out really helps! Sounds like you and DH are being a great support for each other and his being so tender with you is great! Glad that you are able to draw strength from this ordeal you have been through!!!
Take care of yourself!
__________________ Michelle - 32 DH - 32
My furkittybaby Snickers
Dxd PCOS Feb 03
Sweet Pea To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Oct 3, 2005
BFP 4/13/06 (with injectables and back to back IUI's) DS born 12/12/06
BFP 12/22/07 (all natural cycle) born 8/25/08
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Shandris - I'm glad you were able to cry with dh last week. I think it will draw you and him closer together to cry together, and I'm so glad he's been sweet and tender with you, and let you express your grief when you felt ready. I'll be praying for another miracle for you as well. ((hugs))
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me - 30 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. dh - 28
dx 5/5/05
BFP 7/19/05....missed m/c 9/05
BFP (clomid 50mg + trigger + IUI) - 4/30/06!
Twin boys born @ 33wks... 29 days in the NICU
BFP (clomid 25mg + trigger + IUI) - 12/19/08!
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the things we used to fuss about seem so trivial now. Loss has a way of putting things into perspective for ya.
Ain't that the truth!!!? Children bring so much meaning to our lives that when they are gone, it's hard to decide what the rest of our lives mean.
Shandris, you are doing really well, but remember... this is long roller coaster ride. Don't think that when you are up that you've gotten off, or you'll be upset with yourself when you go into another valley. Enjoy those moments, but give yourself plenty of time for the other moments too. Both are healthy parts of grieving and healing.
I'm really glad you and your hubby are so close. He sounds like a great man.
Thanks for the update,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Shandris, you are doing really well, but remember... this is long roller coaster ride. Don't think that when you are up that you've gotten off, or you'll be upset with yourself when you go into another valley. Enjoy those moments, but give yourself plenty of time for the other moments too. Both are healthy parts of grieving and healing.Sheri
I know that what I feel right now may not last but a few minutes. That is how I take things these days. Moment by moment, not even day by day. For instance, I just walked over to the Medical Center Library (doing research on GBS and IC...this helps me too) and the lady who registered me called for help...well her help was EXTREMELY pregnant. I just said "Is this a test Lord?" I found myself staring at her belly...wishing. A sadness came over me that was unbelievable. I did not tear up, but my heart sunk...I just felt defeated.
I know there will be rollercoasters and hills and valleys, I try to stay in the moment and pray for strength and patience with myself. Coming to work is an ordeal...I feel safe and protected and OK at home. At work is when it seems to go downhill...but I can't quit so gotta get through it. Not over it, through it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SheriKCMO
I'm really glad you and your hubby are so close. He sounds like a great man.Sheri
He didn't come like that sweetie...6 years of training and molding....LOL
No, he really is wonderful...I am so blessed and thankful for having him in my life as my husband.
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shadris, I can relate to your whole post. Everything you are going through is normal. Although it may feel like you are going crazy at times, know that you will get through it. I understand your fears about not being able to get pregnant and losing another child. I had these feelings too and I was worried that it would be true for me, but then I found out that the fear of not conceiving again is normal. I was worried that I would go into premature ovarian failure and never be able to have another baby. Sorry for rambling. Sheri is right about it being a roller coaster. There were times when I felt that I was just fine and I was going to be fine for a long time. Well, that made the crash that followed so much more difficult to deal with. The pain is never really going to go away. You will go through times when you feel great and times when you feel like the world is ending. But it will get better and better.
Hugs,
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Well, I had my weekly appt with my social worker today. I kinda didn't want to go because I was feeling fairly ok today. I went anyway...we talked. It was a really good session, and it brought out some things that I hadn't thought about or really realized. He is good at doing that, bringing things out. I also told him about my near obsession with researching GBS. I went to the Medical Library yesterday...it makes me feel good to know all that I can about GBS...even what the doctors know. I told him about my fear of not being able to concieve again, and my fear of lossing another child if I do become pregnant. Also, I still have anger issues. I told him that it was not fair that you would not be considered high risk right off the bat after losing a child. They sometimes want you to have lost more than one....He said that is not always the case and that when I concieved again, if I wanted to consult with a high risk doc he could set it up for me...he knows all the doc in the OB clinic. I told him about my insistence on asking for a cerclage next time...I have to wait until my next appt with my OB to see if he agrees or not. If he doesn't agree I will find another doctor who will. <--- Not compromising on that!
Anyway, it was good to talk after all, cried some, but I was mostly angry. Got another appt next week, same day same time.
This really isn't that much of a post, just getting it out. I think I need to create a journal. Thanks for reading.
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Shandris, I'm glad you had a great session! I waited five months before seeing a therapist, and I think I let myself suffer longer than I should have. It still hurts not having Rivi here, but it helps to have a professional tell me that I'm not crazy!
Just a little update 
