Just need to talk I think

leanner977 · 01-30-2005, 02:58 AM

Let me preface this by saying I plan to find a therapist on Monday. In the meantime i need to just talk...

For about the past week I've been feeling sorta bummed. When eating became optional (or something my DF said I had to do), when I wanted to spend all day sleeping on the couch, and when I no longer felt like being online (I spend most of my day chatting with friends online) I said "Hello! you have enough friends battling depression that you should knows these signs!" That was just a few days ago.

My DF and I have been fighting more in the past few days, I assume it's probably because I have become quite moody and I mite his head off for everything...washing teh wrong pan, putting onions in the wrong place...stupid stuff that I don't know why it matters and certainly not why I felt the need to complain about it.

Tonight we got into a big fight because I didn't know he had plans (he didn't tell me and why he didnt' mention them is another post probably for the rant board, no sense in putting it here) and I asked him to feed DS. I said "Oh good, you're done eating, now you can feed DS so I can eat" and he got annoyed that I "assumed" he was staying home. Well, I had no reason to know he had been planning on leaving right away. Anyway...the fight ended up happening because I told him to give DS back to me to feed him after he mentioned a few times that DS needed to hurry up because he had to leave. Depressed or not it upset me HIGHLy that he had something he felt was more important that spending 10 minutes feeding his son. Well, he blew up becaus ehe's tired of my attitude and blah blah blah and he left to go where he had planned to go.

The thing that bugs me is that after he left I sat here hysterical for over an hour just getting more and more depressed. Wanting to run away and not deal with everything. I suddenly wasn't mad at DF, I just wanted to curl into a fetal position and sleep for the next 3 weeks, I didn't want to deal with life. I've never felt so sad or upset in my life. I know it's not just because of teh fight...that just sorta pushed me over the edge from "Yea, i've been pretty bummed" to "wow, I need to find a phone number for one of those 24/7 counselors or something."

I guess I'm just feeling over whelmed...new baby, I've been sick, baby is now sick. I don't get out of the house much, I always have to be responsible for DS since DF works and apparently has other things he'd rather be doing. I just need a day off from reality, I need to escape life and I hate feeling that way! I have a loving DF, a wonderful baby, great friends and all I want to do is disappear. Shouldn't I be happy?

TickledPink · 01-30-2005, 03:05 AM

Don't beat yourself up about not being happy, it's not your fault. Could it be PPD?? I am glad you are going to find a therapist

I would say if your depression has lasted 2 or more weeks to go see your family doc and discuss it with him. I fight sometimes too with my DH, but it shouldnt make you wanna crawl up in a ball and sleep for 3 weeks YKWIM?

You sound very overwhelmed with being sick and a new parent, those are stressfull things, but if it's more than just that you need to get help for that, and there is definatley nothing wrong with that!

Take care! Keep us updated. and if ya need to talk more i'm always here

Pamela · 01-30-2005, 10:14 AM

Sorry you are feeling so down.
PPD popped into my head as I read your post.
Pam

leanner977 · 01-30-2005, 01:13 PM

Yea, I wondered about PPD too, and meant to add that to the post but forgot. I wasn't sure if 3 months PP was too late for it to kick in or not...I always thought it was something that happen pretty quick after delivery. Although I'm just now staring to feel that overwhelming joy that causes most mom's to be hysterically happy the first time they see their baby...so maybe my body is just a little slow to catch on.

Just a side note, when DF came home last night we talked FOR HOURS about everything and I feel like things with him will be a little better now. I am still planning to find a therapist tomorrow, but at least in the mean time I can get out of bed.

TickledPink · 01-30-2005, 02:16 PM

I am glad that you feel better today

Best of luck on finding a therapist!

(((((hugs)))))

kwannabee · 01-31-2005, 01:07 AM

Ya know what Leanner...i think youre just going through the good ole baby blues...sleep deprivation...and overall craziness of new motherhood...and after only two months your hormones are probably whacked out like nobody's business!!!

When i had my son i remember standing at the sink washing i think the 100th baby bottle in a half hour period and crying like a baby...and my dh was on his way out the back door and i just whipped the bottle at him...no warning...nothing...just complete frustration...i was just soooooo tired....how dare he walk out of this house and leave me alone with this baby AGAIN...i needed to go to bed!!!

well he wasnt impressed and we had a doozie of a fight...baby screaming...it was awful...and then the GUILT!!! OMG!!!! i felt like a terrible ungreatful mother after....so if i can say anything at all to make you feel better its that i hope you know this sounds normal to me!!

But i agree wholeheartedly to speak to your doctor and make sure youre okay...i'm glad though that you talked.

Hope things get better soon!

leanner977 · 01-31-2005, 06:53 PM

Kwanna - it's lasting far too long to be baby blues, DS is sleeping through the night so it's not sleep deprivation (especially since I sleep all day too). I agree my hormones are probably all over the place which is why I'm thinking PPD.

Today has been another bad day, but I'm hanging in there.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I have an appointment Monday with a therapist. When I called to set it up they asked why I was coming in and I responded with "Well, it could be PPD, just regular depression, or I might just be insane, I'm not really sure." the lady chuckled.

Pamela · 01-31-2005, 07:13 PM

It may very well be just good old PPD.
Sometimes when other things in our lives are not going so well it can make it worse.

I wondered for a while if I had PPD. I talked to my doc and we agreed that probably was not the case. But I also had a death in the family when DS was 3 months old and I am still grieving that death and that's what it was. But for a while I wasn't sure.
I hope you feel better soon. Enjoy Eric and DF.
Hugs
Pam

TickledPink · 01-31-2005, 08:27 PM

I hope your therapist is a good one

I am sorry you are having a bad day!

I hope you don't have to wait long to get in???

You are gonna be just fine

I know for me it felt good to get things off my chest.

Best of luck, keep us posted!

P.S! LOL I had a chuckle about what you said when the lady asked you what you needed a therapist for, cause one time not long ago I had a really bad reaction to an antidepressant and the doc asked how I was doing when she came into the room, and I said " CRAZY! "