Just Plain MAD!

ChrissyJo · 07-07-2008, 04:50 PM

I've been to the doctors, I've done the tests, taken the meds, I have heard over and over to diet and exercise. I have had ultrasounds, Vag cams, a Hydascan of my ovaries and utrus. I have been told over and over it is PCOS. (duhhh!) When I am on a diet and exercise plan I get told I'm doing it wrong or not dieting well enough because I guess I still eat, I'm not exercising hard enough because I'm still fat.

I have a receding hair line. I have to shave my face everyday!! I am 28 today I have been shaving my face daily for over 10 years. I get hairs around my nipples. (what's up with that?)

I have pelvic pains, I was told one reason for that besides the PCOS is that my uturus is shaped like a pancake. (well that's lovely) What does that mean? How is it supposed to be shaped? I can't get an answer.

I am insulin resistant, Diabetes II. Besides the fact that I am on 3 different diabetes meds and take enough Metfrormin in one day to kill a healthy fertile lady, my blood sugars pretty much reside at 320. Yeah I think 90 is normal. Oh yeah this is with the "I'm not even allowed to think of starchy food" way of life, no sugar either, though what I did'nt know until recently is that all those healthy fruits and veggies had a crap load of sugar in them, kind of defeats the purpose of eating healthy. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I can eat is meat, oh but red meat and pork helps develope heart disease and being PCOS I am already at a great risk of having heart attacks and strokes. So chicken, turkey and fish..... I don't like fish. So I guess you get the point of this paragraph.

Besides ALL the physical, stuff like the fact that my body is slowly dying but at a faster rate than that of a normal woman of my age, I have personality disorders. HAHA F'n PEACHY!! Not only am I hard to look at but hard to be in the same room with. Yeah and Bipolar but I think that counts as a personality disorder too. I'm freaking impulsive, I say the things out loud that everyone thinks in their heads, and that's a bad thing I'm told.
So I have my depressive state, I call it my Eeyore days or weeks, whatever time frame it lasts. I have planned and mapped my demise. I attempted it a few times, practice make perfect right? My counselor disagrees. I loved Winnie the Pooh as a kid, so My complete opposite is my beloved Tigger stage. I love being manic while it is occuring. I love everything about it. The constant movement and jerkyness, the adrenaline and energy flowing through my veins, The talkative and constant laughing. Oh my God it's a rush. Of coarse I do stupid stuff and regret it all later. But during the moment it feels so right. Ahhh the feeling of blowing all your money and running up your credit cards to buy anything and everything that sparkles, glitters and shines. It is almost feeling free. And the sex, whooo the sex is AMAZING! But then there is the crash.... It's like coming down from a drunk kinda. The remourse the being broke. so on and so on.....

So I take meds, yippie! My two meds daily to treat my mental illness as my psych deems necessary to call it. They don't work, I have had so many psych cocktails I could bartend the pharmaceutical counter. They don't work but I don't have a PHD to back up what I know so the good doc says this seems to have the most success, or maybe he stopped trying.

My best friend is planning a pregnancy, her first. She is scared and wanted someone to go through the exact same at the same time. So she calls me, asking if I thought of having children, I say "yeah, I have thought of it". And then she gets excited and goes into her plan, we can both get pregnant around the same time and go through the same thing and our kids can grow up together and have someone they know thier entire lives. As she is saying all this I feel like throwing up, I mean what happened to all the talks we have had when I explained I don't have periods because I don't ovulate and I can't get pregnant. I know she does'nt mean anything by all of this but it feels like it is being rubbed into my face. She probably just didnt listen because you never want to believe anything is wrong with your friends. I love her. I just wish I could say ok and we both get pregnant at the same time. Sorry Kristy you have to do this on your own.

I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. I need to rant but nobody really cares, I am just one woman who is hurting and is so mad that she can't handle this. I am just one woman who has had her fill of what the good Lord had dealt. You know I dont beleive the saying that God doesnt give you more than you can handle.

So this is my heartfelt rant (what an oxymoron)

Please rant with me. I know not everyone is content with all that is going on with them. Share your true raw emtions, let it out! We all know nobody else is really listening anyway. No fluffy happy silver lining stuff, all the other threads are filled with mushies, just vent! We all need to.

Thanks for reading