I woke up too bloody early, and couldnt get back to sleep. Damn it, my weekends are for catching up on sleep...woke up too early yesterday too.
Rhian wants me to stay at hers on Sunday; I'm not going to, cant stomach the travel, hell I just cant be bothered. I dont wanna go out.
My idea of the best night out is to go round Kylie's, and sit downstairs with her, Stace, James and Charlotte and just watch DVDs and chill. Wish thats all we did every night, but no, my stupid self isnt satisfied by staying in, having fun and being safe. Stupid self would rather go out, get totally wrecked and...well...be stupid. **** knows why....
I'm sitting here rambling total ****, and at the same time my eyes are filling with tears, threatening to overflow. Why? Theres no reason, I just feel like ****, and why? Theres no reason. And of course that made so much sense.
I really should go out tonight...Ive stayed in basically all week, apart from Wednesday, and maybe Thursday? Cant remember. But not actually out...sitting in the pub with Dick-Head, or sitting in Kylie's. When they've suggested going out, Ive gone home. Dont like 'out' anymore.
Only reason I havent been out since thurs, is cos no-ones called me, or knocked for me. Think theyre getting pissed off with me, cant blame them. Who wants to hang around with someone that cant even crack a smile, doesnt talk, and wants to stay in all the time? I may have always felt this crap; but I used to make an effort. I used to be the one that made everyone laugh, and if I didnt wanna come out, they'd be begging me to..now they dont even call me.
Its not like I can help it; I just dont have the will to pretend anymore. I wish I could tell Kylie and Stace this...but I know I never could, they wouldnt understand it in a million years. No-one gets it, not even me.
I may go round Kylie's in a bit....but what for? To sit there and nod along while she tells me how great her life is? Jesus Christ I'm a *****...
I really wanna buy some fags today. Havent bought any for four weeks...have still been smoking like one a day most days though...still big jump from 15-20 day, to 1...If I brought 10, I could make them last till next week...but I'm sposed to have quit...ah **** it..see how I feel when I get to the shop.
I'm a big ol' idiot. Last night I got a text from Nick, asking if I wanted to come down the pub; and instead of ignoring him, like Ive done so well the past 6 weeks or so, I actually went. Had a few drinks, maybe more than a few, then at about quarter to 11 we started home, propping his dad up between us.
We left his dad at his little sisters house, and went back to his, and *somehow* ended up...you know. Doing rude stuff, lol.
Talked afterwards...about the whole situation with us, and how much it sucks. I was actually honest with him...I told him how much he hurt me, how I feel like he has some kinda hold over me, and how I love him, but cant feeling that my friends are right and he's just using me; regardless of all the stuff he says.
He seemed shocked and hurt when I said about the using thing..."I'd never use you, I do have feelings for you...." Blah, blah, blah.....Ive heard it all before from him, and I just dunno what to think.
It used to be he'd snap his fingers and I'd go running, then I realised how under the thumb I was and ended it totally. Now....I go running again. Why?! I proved to myself that I dont have to, that I can carry on perfectly fine without him in my life...but I dont want to. I feel better having him falling at my feet. Maybe thats it, lol.
I hardly thought about him those 6 weeks....now he's first and foremost in my mind. Being with him last night just brings it all back. The sound of his voice, the way he smells, how he holds me and how I feel safe...when I'm with him, I love him; when I dont see him, I'm indifferent. And now I'm in tears, cause I'm all confused again, and I hate feeling like this.
And men say girls are confusing....
Could just go back to how it started, 'Friends that f**k'...that worked a lot better. But then God-damn feelings got in the way...why do emotions have to **** everything up?!
Schools still totally pointless....I really seriously dont see any point to me being there. I dont take anything in, I barely even manage to take notes, and when I do I never re-read them so wheres the point to that? So I either dont do anything and sulk; or if its a small class and I despise the teacher (Business with Mr Arko) then I spend the lesson taking the piss and 'disrupting the class'. I wouldnt learn anything in his lesson anyway....he reckons he has a 'special teaching style'...yeah, I'll tell you whats special about it, its uniquely CRAP.
In year 12, when I really, really hated school, totally loathed it; I developed The Pink Shoe Theory. Which was totally lame, but it was the only way I could actually manage to get out of bed in the morning. When the alarm went, and I'd feel my stomach tie itself in knots at the thought of the upcoming day, I'd force myself to think of something positive enough to motivate me to get out of bed....even if it was something really gay like 'I'll wear my pink shoes today'. It doesnt work anymore...I cant think of anything positive. Cause who really cares if I wear my pink shoes one particular day? That isnt motivation to get through a whole day in Hell.
Meh, I feel all rejected and sulky. Tim text me, and asked me to come over, said we 'need to talk seriously about last night'...guess Kylie told him. If I go round, I'll get lots of big hugs and wont feel rejected; but I'll also get a lecture, and he'll probably try and make me eat. I wanna see Tim..he makes everything ok...but he's either gonna be pissed at me or disappointed in me, neither of which I can handle.
I wanna scream and stamp my feet, have a big ****ing tantrum....but even I did no-one would hear me.
So, I'll just shut-up now, and go hide back under my covers
Ok, I'm done
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hey loz, honey think of all the good things in ur life - please dont say that - i know things seem tough at the moment but u'll get thru lots of us have been where u are now pm me if u want
lots of hugs xxxxxx
__________________ Tinks "Be nice to everyone u meet, they may be fighting a battle u know nothing about."
"A smile is the prettiest thing u can wear," but " a true friend is someone who sees the pain in ur eyes while everyone else believes the smile on ur face."
"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting some things weren't meant to be."
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i totally know how u feel about guyz - they are as bad if not worse than women - not sure if u read my post on the rant section the other day but ive had so much trouble with guys - for now ive decided i'm concentratin on myself! its taken me a while to come to that decision but i'm trying hard. be strong and keep positive - ru at home is there any1 to give u a hug
if ur really feeling that bad go to ur local hospital and see a doctor or nurse NOW - get help. please dont stay alone. or talk to someone who is near you
__________________ Tinks "Be nice to everyone u meet, they may be fighting a battle u know nothing about."
"A smile is the prettiest thing u can wear," but " a true friend is someone who sees the pain in ur eyes while everyone else believes the smile on ur face."
"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting some things weren't meant to be."
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just dont wanna know. I can be in a room full of people, and still feel so alone; cause no-one really cares.
Maybe I do push them away, maybe I could be more actively trying to help myself; but I just dont see the point; dont think I ever will. The stupidest thing will have me in tears; I can be laughing and pissing about with my mates, but underneath it all, I'm still crying. I can carry on seemingly fine for a while, but beneath the surface I'm just waiting for it to all fall apart again; not knowing when or how, just that it will.
The only time I sleep properly now is when I'm drunk, which is worringly more than normal at the moment. When I'm not drunk, i'll lay awake till 3am, dreading what terrors sleep has in store for me; and more often than not its the same tired old nightmare...surely I should be able to deal with that by now? But no, I cant. I wake up, crying so hard I cant breathe, more often than not I have a panic attack...which I can control now, for the most part, but its still bloody terrifying.
I'm sick to ****ing death of everything, and whats worse I feel guilty about it!
I never cease to be confused these days. Usually its over men; and partly at the moment it is; but more than that its friends. People that I never expected to be the way they are....it seems like everyones changed, for the worse, or is it me in one of my stupidly hypersensitive moods?? I really dont know. I dont know...it all just seems, for want of a better word, weird.
I really dont feel good at the moment. I could say that till I was blue in the face and still it wouldnt matter. Thats what Ive worked out, thats why I feel so ****. A few times recently Ive decided that things cant go on the way they are, and nothing happens. Nothing ever comes of it. But what can they do?? What can anyone do? Dont they realise (dont I realise?) theres a point when someones too broken to be fixed??????
Sorry...I know I'm just ranting total ****...I just want someone to get it.
Tell me what to do
Coz at the moment I have my own ideas and theyre really not good...
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I know it's hard, but I have had to do this for myself before!
drinking alcohol is so, so bad while you are suffering from depression, as it makes depression worse!
Please, please just pick up the phone, tell them you are in trouble! I know what it's like to be scared of yourself and the things you may do!
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you are capable of picking up the phone! you can do this! you really can!
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Loz honey - everything you wrote above is something that ALL of us girls here on the depression section have felt and thought at some time, if not all the time, if not NOW!
So sweetie you are SO not alone. It sucks that you don't have anyone in your immediate circle that you feel you can talk to, or that understands you, and boy oh boy do I know how that feels!!
But I came to this board and poured my heart out and lots of gals out there put their brave hands up and said "Hey, this is how I feel! We're not alone!" and boy does that make me feel better. Just knowing that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.
Then I told a close friend how I felt... and it turns out he was suffering the same thing and felt he couldn't talk to anyone either! So I told another friend... and she was the same!
You'd be surprised how many folks out there feel just as lost and alone as you do. My advice is to a) do what the girls told you before - get to a doctor or hospital and tell them and then once you've done that, choose a friend that you know you can trust, and start a conversation with them about feelings and stuff. You may just find someone you can really open up to.
Failing that, you just vent and rant and let it all out here. We're all here to support one another.
Thanx girls...youre such angels you really are...I survived the night at least. Called my friend and she came and stayed with me, till I went to sleep.
But she cant do that all the time...I'm just so scared, and i cant take this anymore...
sorry, really
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Just rambling...dunno what to do 
