just venting.....

Autumns.mommy · 04-13-2007, 05:58 PM

let me start by saying I HATE PCOS, i hate that i have it and i hate that it makes me the way that i am. all my life the only thing i have wanted is kids and to be momma. i feel like it has been taken away from me, like i am not allowed to have them. i have been trying for 2 years now to get pregnant and it has been very hard on me physically and mentally. last year i moved to south carolina and met the man of my dreams and hes dying to have a baby and i feel bad i cannot help him with that i feel like i am letting him down. i just found out 2 of my sisters are epecting their first, a good friend of mine back home is about to have her 2, which she doesnt even want, my best friend just had her 3rd and found out shes pregnant again, and a cousin of mine just had an abortion because they told her she was having twins and she didnt want anything to do with that. it just hurts to know people do that when there are so many of us out there who cannot have their own. now i know it is not impossiable for me to never have any but i just dont want to spend thousands of dollars that i dont have on somethng thats not even 100% guarenteed to work. i dont mean to be a jealous person and i want very much to be happy for my friends and family but i cant. i just lost my job because i couldnt bring myself to get out of bed this week. i have spent the last 5 days crying, my emotions have gotten the best of me and i donno what to do anymore. i also think alot of it has to do with the fact that 4/19 is very near and it will have been 1 year since i lost my daughter. i just keep asking god why me? why all of us? why do the people who dont deserve kids or who cant care for them get 4 or 5 or 6 of them when there are a million of us who can and are willing to be happy with just one. i am sorry if i wasted your time on this i just needed to vent and i had no where else to go, tim doesnt understand, altho he tries, its just not the same.

what do you guys do to cure the blues? i am out of ideas....

craftyshutterbug · 04-14-2007, 03:26 PM

Hugs to you hun, because you sound like you need them on the cusp of your anniversary of loss.
It's hard when everyone around you is preggers and you can't be, especially when there are those who take it for granted. Keeping busy helps, although it is only a means to avoid something that will still be there later. The only real thing that helps is time. I know it's probably been said to you before, but it is true. It's been four and a half years since my first loss, and it's still painful, but time has mellowed the pain. Good friends and supportive significant others help, too.