Just when I think I have gotten to a good place...

lilalouise · 02-04-2006, 04:38 AM

I lost my baby over 2 years ago. It was my only pregnancy and I have no children. DH and I are in the adoption process and have been "officially" waiting for almost 8 months, but we have been in the process for much longer. Why when I think that I am doing ok with the fact that I am a complete failure as a woman does something always seem to blindside me? I know that I am not truly a "failure", but that is how I feel right now. We went out to dinner for a friend's birthday tonight and while we were at dinner, another couple here announced that they are expecting. This is their 3rd the older 2 are 8 and 10 (it took her that log to convince DH to have another). I could just tell by the way that she was acting and telling her husband that he needed to tell everyone the news. Ok, this is all coming out like I am a horrible person. I AM happy for them, I am just so sad for me. My DH acts likea jerk. I kept myself together in the restaurant and put on the brav happy front, but when we got to the car I cried all the way home. What didDH do????? Rolled his eyes and gav a heavy sigh because he "can't understand why you are upset"... ARG!!!!!!!! The only one who sees how hard the past 4 years have rally been. The only oe who knows how much I long for the call that our baby is born. How can he be SOOOOOO clueless!!! I am not upset that our friends are having another baby... I just wish it were me.

DH has not said a word to me since we got home. I just wish that hewouldn't be such a jerk aout things like this. He thinks I should just be happy and not even give a thought to the fact that we trie for YEARS and lost the only bio baby we will ever have and may never be chose by a birthmom to be parents. When I was lttle and people wou dask me what I wante to be I would tell them "a mommy". Why can't I be a mommy????

Pam

twinkle317 · 02-04-2006, 05:43 AM

Pam, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was more I could say or do. I hope DH gets a clue real soon.

I know how you feel. There are 4 pregnant women at work and we were all due around the same time and unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks I'm really happy for them but I just wish I didnt have to have a miscarriage. Like you I put on the brave happy face while I'm around them but sometimes I get really sad and have to fight back the tears at work but when I get home I cry.

You will be a Mommy real soon... Good luck on your adoption.

twinkle317 · 02-04-2006, 05:43 AM

Pam, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was more I could say or do. I hope DH gets a clue real soon.

I know how you feel. There are 4 pregnant women at work and we were all due around the same time and unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks I'm really happy for them but I just wish I didnt have to have a miscarriage. Like you I put on the brave happy face while I'm around them but sometimes I get really sad and have to fight back the tears at work but when I get home I cry.

You will be a Mommy real soon... Good luck on your adoption.

kwannabee · 02-04-2006, 03:47 PM

Ohhh Pam

i'm so sorry that happened...i've been watching and waiting for your good news and i know it will come soon...there is a child out there waiting for you, i know it, and as hard as it is right now i'll keep both eyes and every digit crossed for you...

as for dh being a jerk, ya know...imo...they just cant help it

I dont think he's trying to upset you, its probably just that he doesnt know what to do...its the 'if i cant fix it dont bother me with it' philosophy...

my dh was the very same...he always hid his worry and anxiety underneath this unwavering ...practicality...which drove me UP THE WALL!!!

When i cried why didnt he...if i was upset and discouraged why didnt he hug me and tell it would be okay...but no...it was more like he would go between being my absolute rock and hold me up without allowing his own emotion to take over, or he'd take out his own frustration with himself out on me...i know he wanted things to work out but he didnt know how either...so instead his reaction would be ...'well what do you want ME to do about it... He'd tick me off like no other...because i had no answers for him either...

And remember we girls...we get pretty tunnel visioned about this and i know for me at least it was on my mind 24/7...dh could put it away for awhile and go on with things...which i could never do...so for your dh it probably seemed like it came out of the blue and you probably threw him off guard...

so i know from experience, they arent jerks...they love us and cant give us what we want the most right away, and its frustrating and scary for them too...so you come to us girls and we'll hand you the kleenex whenever you need it okay??

take care Pam, keep your chin up cuz you know i'm routin for ya

pm me!

RoxieInPa · 02-04-2006, 09:13 PM

{{{HUGS}}} Pam. When I lost my sencond angel (will be 1 yr ago on Feb 14th) my SIL was pg and just found out she was going to have a girl. In front of them I was acting like I was fine and SIL really was great to me after both my losses, but it didn't matter to me at that time. She was getting the ONE thing in life I wanted so bad for the second time! Even though there are 7 yrs between her daughters I didn't want to go to her 2nd baby shower, in the end I went, but wasn't very happy about it. At that shower I was asked to be Alexis' Godmother. I really was happy and honored to be, but the snide (sp?) remarks I did hear from ppl there made me feel even worse and I too felt like the biggest failure in the world! What did I hear? "Well now she has a GOdson and a Goddaughter on the way, she may as well because these will prolly be her ONLY children". It hurt me so bad and to be honest that hurt NEVER went away and this happened back in June. If you need to chat please e~mail or PM me.

TurtleLove · 02-04-2006, 09:45 PM

pam and roxie big hugs for you

you would think dh and family would be our biggest supporters, unfortunately we are not always so lucky. i agree with kwannabee if men cant fix it they prefer to pretend it does not exist, and honestly, maybe you are not the only one that feels like a failure and rather than share those feelings he belittles your feelings out of anger for having them himself.

pam i wish you the very best in your journey to be a mom

roxie, what goes around comes around, you may not have the satisfaction of seeing it but people like that get whats coming to them in some way eventually

lovepotato · 02-04-2006, 09:49 PM

I don't think there's anything wrong with you being upset b/c other people are pg. I'm currently at my DH's aunt's house, instead of a baby shower for my cousin.
I think your hubby is probably just being a guy. I agree with the other girls.

P.S. Roxie- I can't believe that someone said that!! I would have walked up right next to them with a smile on my face after they said that. Let them try to get their feet out of their mouths!

VivC · 02-06-2006, 07:09 PM

((Pam)). I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't understand your pain. It would make it so much easier to bear if he did.

You're already a Mommy - to a precious angel. And I'm sure you'll be an amazing mother to any other children you raise - be they adopted or bio.

Viv

lilalouise · 02-06-2006, 07:53 PM

Thank you all for your kindness. DH is coming along. We were talking about different things, work and home, and I said something like I really don't know about anything right now other than I just want my baby. DH finally VOICED that he does too and that it bothers him as well. He is a good guy, but Kim, you know you are right... he can't fix it and just wants to ignore what he can't fix.

Viv -- you are so right, I definitely have one precious angel watching out for both of us. Thanks!!

Pam

Tia38 · 02-06-2006, 08:15 PM

Pam -- very sorry for your loss and your DH's actions. Sadly men don't always get it. More sadly, they seem NOT to get it at the worst possible moments. I've had similar incidents with my DH of late. I get a lot of support here on line. Very sorry so many of us get it, but thankful to have others around us for support.

Hang tough -- you've come this far and it sounds like your adoption plans are moving along. You are a strong person and you will get through all this, with or without DH's help.

If it's any help.... I was actually happy to find out that a good friend of mine was NOT pg. I completely expected to hear her "good news" this weekend, and was bracing for the impact. DH couldn't see why this might be difficult for me. It is hard to be gracious about someone else's good news when you yourself are in pain. In any case, friend is not pg (at least she drank wine at dinner) and a little piece of me was happy about it. I would never say that to her, and I will be thrilled when she finally is pg, but right now it would be really hard for me.

Should I mention that SIL just had a beautiful baby girl? (I skipped the visit to her last month when she was 8 months pg; I made the visit after the baby came. Boy was it hard, and DH didn't get how hard it was, but I got through it w/o losing it in public. I'm not sure he got why I had to skip the earlier visit, but he accepted it at least.)

I love DH, but there are times when I wonder what alien is possessing him and how he can be so oblivious.

Take care of yourself. Vent here and get support where you can.

-Tia

Mustard Seed · 02-06-2006, 08:17 PM

Pam - I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and how your dh has not been as sensitive as he could have been. I am glad you and he were able to talk about this, and that he voiced that the m/c, and not having a baby right now does bother him as well. I know what you mean about not wanting to be around pg women. One of my best friends is pg right now with her 2nd and even though she's been really nice about it, I still hate to be around her. I think she's sensed that because she seems to always be wearing a jacket when I'm around, instead of showing off her little bump (she's about 14 wks along). I know I should feel bad that she's trying to cover up her pg when around me, or be appreciative of it, but honestly it just makes me kinda angry. Putting on a jacket isn't going to erase the fact that she's pg and I'm not. But she's doing her best not to make me feel bad. I guess it's just that no matter what she does, I will still feel bad around her, and any other pg lady, just because they have what I don't have. I wish I had some magical way to take away all the hurt we are all feeling, but I don't. I'm praying for you, and for all of the cysters on here that have had losses. (((((Hugs)))))