Kind of long!!! Does anyone know of a good forum where adoptive fathers meet?

PrincessCharti · 08-16-2007, 11:51 AM

Ok I am not sure where to start.
My husband and I decided to move on to adoption late last year. Our homestudy starts in a month and my husband is not really putting much effort in the process.
We are going with CAS adoption and are looking at a child between the ages of 21/2 - 4.

I have read 3 books about toddler adoption and the trials and tribulations of adopting,

parenting and post adoption challenges. My husband is not a reader and is struggling to read any of the suggested books. I have had to put aside time every night for us to both read to each other from his book (Twenty Things Adoptive Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew).
I have spoken to him about how I feel that almost all the adoption research has been left up to me and he can't seem to motivate himself to get involved. He claims that YES he wants this. He wants kids and is looking forward to us finally starting our family but it just seems to me that he doesn't want to put in any of the work.
I tried to excite him by looking at the stuff that we will need to get like strollers, car seats and highchairs. But I got nothing!
I explained to him the different approaches that we could take to the potty training issue and he doesn't see why this will be an issues since they are going to be older. I have explained about regression and how we may need asses their "emotional" age and not just go by their chronological age.
Then last night we had a discussion and it was clear to me that he is in desperate need for information. I have shared everything that I've learned whether it was through a book, article or forum but he still doesn't seem to understand that our child may not be "normal". He doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that they may have self worth issues or that they may have problems explaining how they feel. That the abuse or neglect will leave its mark on them.
I explained again that the social worker wants us to read all these books to educate ourselves so that we will be better able to communicate what type of child we believe we would be able to parent.
The things that he said make me feel that he thinks that they are going to be like little adults and say things like “ I broke Lily’s doll because I am mad that my mother could not parent me appropriately. This is very bothersome to me.” It aint' going to to happen that way.

This brings me to my question; Does anyone know of a good forum where adoptive fathers meet?
I suggested that he try a forum and speak to fathers who are experiencing it now. This way it would be more interactive and he wouldn’t feel like he was doing homework.
If we are going to offer a child a safe, loving, secure home in which to flourish, then I want to be able to actually do it. I want that child be live up to their potential and be truly happy. If the father can’t understand the obstacles that may impede them from having this life then how am I going to give them that?
I just feel overwhelmed and scared

by this process and how we as a couple are going to handle it.
Please help!
Thanks

Miss-Meme · 08-16-2007, 08:08 PM

I think men just handle things differently. My husband really did no 'research' of adoption.

I wouldn't push it.

tariana · 08-19-2007, 11:39 PM

Agreed. Men just process things differently... my DH was nothing but annoyed with me whenever I mentioned anything about the adoption, basically.

He only really got excited when we got THE CALL to come get our baby!

LadyBugg · 08-27-2007, 05:33 PM

I also did all the paperwork, worrying, communication with Africa, etc.. I do have to say though that dh is the one who actually went there to get our son, so all is forgiven. :-) Men and women are wired differently. Having said that I do still wish he would have been more aprt of the whole process but I believe it actually was not in his nature. He wasn't being mean or spiteful, it was just my "job" so to speak.

calches · 08-27-2007, 05:42 PM

I feel as though I am going to be in your same exact position...my dh wants to adopt...but I am doing all the researching and everythihg...I have been reading and I told him that once I get through with this book he is reading it...he just looked at me...guess it should be fun...

ChasingRainbows · 09-19-2007, 04:50 PM

Hi,

Wanted to give you some support. I can tell you that DH and I actually fought over this for part of our adoption journey. I did ALL the research, and reading, and info gathering and setting up appt.s

I came to realize he was just as committed to the process but handled things differently. I did feel really alone, but I realized he was doing what he thought he was supposed to do. He was at all the meetings I asked of him and such.

It is interesting...I am now expecting (it was a suprise)...and would you know he is the same way. I read books, check out classes, you name it and he is the same way, seems like he is along for the ride sometimes. I realize that he is going to be there for the "adoption call when the baby comes" or for labor. I just have to trust him.

Adoption can take such a toll on a relationship, even is it is vehement discussion

it is important to make sure all the feelings are communicated about. It was also VERY important for me to trust in him and our relationship even when it seemed like he was not on the same page as me. I came to understand trust as a decision to actively direct my thoughts even when it didn't feel like he was there for me.

Don't know if this helps...

Hugs to you,

Elizabeth

mommavia · 09-19-2007, 08:22 PM

My husband was similar. He left all the research up to me and I don't think he read a single parenting book, adoption relation or not, during our wait for referral. He has always defaulted to me on how to handle things. It did infuriate me when we were waiting, but then I realized, this is just how he handles it. When he held our son for the first time, he changed. He asked me more questions about parenting and such. We were required to take a few classes through our homestudy agency and learned about some adoption-related issues we may face. After our son was placed in our arms, my husband realized that this was for real and then he wanted to know more.

It is hard, but keep the lines of communication going...keep letting him know about what you learn. chances are in time your husband will want to know and will remember some of the things you have shared. You may want to ask him if there is a better way for him to receive the info too.

Hugs to you,
Cynthia