Kinda "new" and not coping at all! (kinda long...sorry)

Jillybean04 · 09-16-2007, 02:03 AM

I was diagnosed with PCOS 23 years ago at age 19 by a doctor who told me nothing except I would never have children...and I believed him! I married my husband in 1993 and tried 4 years of Infertility treatments with no success. I couldn't take another day of the roller coaster ride after a doctor put me on metrodin and it not working and saying to me "come back to me in 5 months when you've lost some weight"...obviously I never returned. One good thing came out from the metrodin and that was a period...a normal monthly period...something I had never experienced.
A year later, by some miracle of god, we became pregnant. We now have an 9 year old son who is absolutely a joy (although he can be a nudge..hehe) . Hoping that another will follow but hopes diminished as each year passed.
I was since diagnosed with IR in 2003 and put on metformin not being told what it would do. As time went by, I would forget to take it and before I knew it I hadn't taken it in months. I changed family dr. in May of this year. She too has PCOS and informed me that I take Metformin to ovulate...news to me...So I began taking it and boom...pregnant in July. We were in total shock. I immediately concerned myself with my age and the effect it would have on this baby. Now 10 weeks later I am scheduled for a D & C this monday after bleeding for a few hours last sunday only to have an u/s show no HB. I am jsut devastated. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I still have no more bleeding and no cramping and am afraid to leave my house in case it happens on its own. I just dont know how I am gonna deal with all this. I am angry one minute, crying the next, fine another minute and the cycle continues. I want to blame someone...me and this defective body of mine, the OB for taking me off the metformin, god for tormenting me...i dont know. I feel so alone cuz I am not hearing from my "so-called" friends and I dont care what they say...just call and care. A few people have said to me "well, you got pregnant this time, you could again" or "god has a reason" or "be grateful for the son you have" and I am...the issue for me is that I cant walk away from this knowing that I could try again...time is not on my side and these people telling me this stuff are wmoen who had thier m/c in ther 20's and 30's. They had time to try again, did, and had more children. They werent faced with the idea of being 60 when their kids graduate HS or rapidly approaching menopause.
My son doesnt understand whats wrong with me and I feel like I am slipping into a depression. I want to crawl in bed and stay there. I want to do nothing but stare at the trees and the TV. I barely get up enough energy to make my son something to eat. Will this ever go away?
Sorry so long but thanks for listening...i feel a little better now that its out of me...for now anyway.

Hayles · 09-16-2007, 06:30 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss it truly is a hard part of life to go thru ((((hugs))))

hela · 09-16-2007, 08:55 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss

big hugs

Hela xxx

joeskitty · 09-16-2007, 01:28 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss Jilly.

khenders · 09-16-2007, 09:50 PM

sorry for your loss. people dont understand what it is like to have a mc until they experience it. it just is not acceptable for people to say stuff like that. I used to feel the same way until i had my 1st mc. Try to find something else to focus your energy on or else you will go insane ttc! we have been trying since 1999, and i am so tired of people asking, when r u having kids? i try to find something else to channel like sports, weight loss.
I was watching a baby story on tlc the other day and it made me realize how dang long we have been wanting a baby. i have not watched the show in a while, because it gets me too down. i had been watching it since 1999 and anticipating bringing a baby home! wow. just realized how long it has been. we were actively ttc in 1999-2000 and then took a long break until 2004. i will be 29 in oct, and i know i am still young , but i never wanted to be almost 30 just getting started.

sazzifrazz · 09-16-2007, 10:05 PM

No one knows what its like to M/C until you actually go through it yourself. I lost my last baby at 5.5 weeks. Like you I spun through emotions...angry, sad, dissapointed, defeated, and back again. I do have to say after the first 2 weeks I was much better emotionally. Its been about 3 months and I am still sad. Today in church there were 2 babies behind us...I was on the verge of tears the whole time. I am not AS angry now, not to say i don't get mad about it. My husband also informs me he suffered a M/C and I do admit he suffered a loss...but its not the same as losing someone who was inside you. I lost a part of myself and not a day goes by that i don't think about her (i just had a feeling she was a girl). Also, when you get pregnant again (please stay hopeful!) maybe y0u should stay on met. I did for my first pregnancy, and had planned to for the baby I lost.

Jillybean04 · 09-17-2007, 12:30 AM

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I go to the hospital tomorrow morning for the d&c and am a wreck! I began bleeding just today and am so nervous every time I go to the bathroom but it hasn't passed yet. I just don't know how I am ever gonna get past this...my husband seems to think I need a psychiatrist I am such a mess...maybe he's right! I so badly wanted to have more children and am thankful for the one I have...but I am so old (to me that is) that I just have this sense that this door is closed for me...the idea of having any more kids at my age seems remote to me and I think that is what I am struggling with the most. I just want to get past this!
Thanks again to you guys and I keep you all in my prayers as well.

justagirlgirlgirl · 09-17-2007, 12:45 AM

So sorry for your loss...I know how you feel. By all means, talk to a counselor about the pain and grief you're experiencing. It is a normal part of the process when you experience a miscarriage, but if you want to meet with a professional for extra support, then I highly recommend it. The roller coaster of emotions that come before and after a miscarriage are difficult for any woman who has experienced them. Also, I know some women who have joined local support groups and have found a lot of peace that way. Right now, though, this is probably too fresh and painful, so most importantly just give yourself time to heal and grieve. (((hugs)))

JFKobold · 09-17-2007, 12:52 AM

Jillybean ... good luck tomorrow. I had my first m/c & D&C July 13th '07. Only 2 months ago. I never thought I'd get through it. You will have many roller coasters of emotions, and days you think it will never get better ... but it does. When the time is right you will find strength and happiness to get back on your feet. Like you my clock is ticking, just about to turn 36 and still trying to conceive my first child. I get mad at myself and my dh at times for waiting for so long ... to start trying. But I can't take back the past, I can only focus on the future. It was a horrible last few months for me, from m/c to losing my job ..... I don't know were I found it but I'm standing strong and I know you will too when the time is right. Give yourself time to grieve, cry, and cry. (((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) )))))
take care, Johna

lovepotato · 09-17-2007, 02:15 AM

I'm so sorry. We lost a baby almost 2 years ago, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I have seen a therapist for about 3 years now, and it has helped so much. There's no shame in seeing someone who's paid to help you understand yourself better. Not only are you dealing with a miscarriage, but you've been dealing with infertility for so long. That really takes a toll on a person.
I'll be thinking about you this week. Losing a baby is so hard, and we all need time to cry and grieve when it does happen. And this is a great place to come if you want to talk or cry. There's always someone who will listen. HUgs to you.

sunshine071899 · 09-17-2007, 12:46 PM

Oh Jillybean - I am so sorry for your loss. Lossing my son was and is the hardest thing I am going through. I do not have any other children so I am worried we will never have kids. I pray you find comfort and we will all be there with you on this Monday morning.

Laura

kwannabee · 09-17-2007, 12:59 PM

Quote:

was diagnosed with PCOS 23 years ago at age 19 by a doctor who told me nothing except I would never have children...and I believed him!

are you sure we didnt have the same doctor??

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through

i can totally relate to that numbness and inablitiy to cope those first few days - try weeks ...sitting in my pjs crying over commercials on tv that had babies in them...believe me i was a basket case!! i remember my ds asking me to make him a pb and j sandwich - it was worse then being asked to perform brain surgery...it made me realize though how truly out of it i was...and all i can say is, like me, you need to give yourself time and seek out the support from any one you can to help your son deal with his grief...you cant truly help him yet til you've come to terms with it yourself...and thats okay.

he needs his mommy, but mommy has to heal too...just dont be too hard on yourself...time will help...but take care of you first okay??

cheereeo · 09-17-2007, 02:46 PM

Jilly: I am so sorry. Having experienced a silent mc around almost the same time as you followed by D&C, I know how you are feeling. I agree with those who say there is no shame in seeking help. I'll be thinking of you today while you are having your D&C--this will be hard too. I remember waking up from my D&C balling my eyes out because it all seemed so final. Please hang in there; your DH too. And I bet it's so hard for your 9yo who was excited to become a big brother. Please consider getting some help if you continue to feel down in the dumps, talking to someone, even with your DH in tow--it can really help--you can find a therapist who specializes in reproductive mental health. All the best.

Aishah · 09-18-2007, 12:57 PM

Thats soo tough hun, i am so sorry. if you are planning on trying again, maybe look into Clomid?

SheriKCMO · 09-18-2007, 04:46 PM

Many hugs coming your way!! I'm so sorry about your little one and the long hard years leading to this point. After you've had some time to grieve, I hope you will be able to decide about another baby without feeling so blue. There are lots of older moms around these days, not just cysters, so you won't be alone if you decide to go for it. But first please treat yourself extra kindly while you heal and get into your new normal.

Is there an update since your d&c?

(((hugs)))