Letter to a friend

missmelanie23 · 10-04-2005, 01:15 PM

Feel free to comment on this letter or use it to try to explain how you feel to someone.

Now I wrote this because it is really what I am feeling right now. I've been feeling out of it since.. around spring anyway - so many things have happened that I think i've become my worst nightmare.. anxious, paranoid, panicky all the time.

Last night a friend of mine asked me to be the DD this weekend.. driving to our friend's cottage and going to a party and driving back to town. leaving friday coming back monday. I figured it was about high time I tell her this about me instead of continuously hiding this part of me which in the end makes me even more anxious...

So here's my letter:

___________

Hi hon.

I just feel like I need to get this out in the open before it gets any worse.... I feel like I owe you an explanation on something in regards to last night's convo.

Now I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to cancel our plans this weekend. Cause I don't want to do that.. and I don't want you think that I am trying to find an excuse for my behaviour sometimes.. but anyway.. here goes.

I went through some bad **** with Steve (when i was with him and after obviously - when i was pretending not to be gay! ) and I have since developed anxiety attacks and whatnot. I was on meds for this for quite some time (2 yrs actually) to help me get through the pains and panic attacks and to help me through depression this relationship and questioning my sexuality had caused.

I was doing better but since this spring, this has resurfaced. I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet but I am trying too. But seeing as my doctors over book themselves its really hard for me to try to get appointments to explain what's going on and stuff. instead they just put me on meds and hope for the best (which sometimes the side effects makes things worse)

Having said that, I've been told by a friend of mine that all I talk about is negative stuff. This was quite the reality check.. as it made me see that WOW! something I really wrong. I've become home-bound, more and more anxious, panicky, paranoid, light headed, dizzy, I'm getting headaches and stomach pains and this has been for the last month or so.

This is why I am questioning my behaviour and my intentions as much as I am, because I want to be in check with myself and be sure that I am making rational decisions (probably also why I keep bugging everyone with my apartment problems, to make sure I'm not over reacting and that my moves aren't on impulse and to be sure that I am not going nuts by thinking that I really haven't chosen a good place to live)

I am sorry if I got on the defensive last night about driving to the cottage. Its not because I don't want to drive, because I do. Its just because I get really nervous knowing that I have to drive somewhere I've only been once - on a road that I have not driven on before and in the dark. It got me panicking last night and I my mind was rolling at miles/hours. . Then thinking dinner with people I barely know. I'm so picky about my food i'm affraid to think about what they are thinking blah blah blah. I swear sometimes I drive myself nuts with this nervousness.I've calmed down now.. and I don't mind driving at all

Anyway, I wanted to explain this to you because I don't want to hide my fears and my anxiety in case my friends start thinking I'm weird... I want to be open about it so that people will get to know me and understand the reason behind some of my emotions/feelings. Besides I figured you of all people will be able to tell me to relax when you start feeling that I'm getting anxious about something! lol I'm sure you could give me a good kick back to reality!

Mel

_______
So this is it.

Anyone else feels this way about things at times? Like going crazy with regret over a big purchase, not trusting your neighbours... whatever reasons you feel like your just going nuts and need medical attention when all in all its something so simple that's gotten you in such panick for nothing? I swear sometimes Ifeel like my problem is far worse than anxiety... that i need counseling or something.. i feel so irrational and crazy that all I want to do is lock myself in my bedroom and not even get up for work just because i'm stressed out about something.

I think that drives me insane... more so than just this simple axiety problem

Not sure if this makes sense but my post is long enough now so I'll stop ranting.

bbro · 10-04-2005, 01:26 PM

Hi hun, first, big hugs for you

I read through the letter and I think it is fine. I think it will benefit both of you, her to understand why you may be acting a certain way and you will have someone there that knows what's going on in your head (mostly).

I do feel the same way as you, at times. I always feel guilty after spending money. So much so, that usually talk myself out of buying things I need because I don't want to spend money. I even do it with groceries!!! For the stuff you will be dealing with this weekend (driving to an unfamiliar place, eating with unfamiliar people), Just remember, that there will be at least one person with you, your friend. You have an ally. And if they say anything about you having weird likes and dislikes of food, just tell them you know someone who won't eat jello or pie!! How weird is that!! (I get a lot of slack for those

)

Hugs

TickledPink · 10-04-2005, 01:35 PM

I think it's very good!

ohhh how I wish there was no such thing as panic and anxiety! it makes you feel crazy sometimes. even though you know your fears and thoughts are irrational you still believe them.

I really hope you can find a doc who can spend some time with you.

It's hard to make the first step, but today at 3pm I am making a leap! I have an appointment with a psychiatrist! If I can do it anybody can!

(((((hugs)))))

yesimln · 10-04-2005, 06:48 PM

I would definitely send the note. You are so far ahead of where I was when my depression cycle was in its infancy... I lost a number of friends because I couldn't communicate how I was feeling and in a way because I didn't trust them to understand and/or help. I admire the words you've found to express your feelings and think your friends will too. Good luck! E

oaktreegirl · 10-05-2005, 03:00 AM

Mel, it's so great that you are able to articulate your feelings so well. It will be really benificial to your friendships.

And I definitely know how you feel. I often get irrational fears when I have to do something new with unfamiliar people... it's something I'm working on.

Jen K · 10-05-2005, 10:59 AM

Hi there,

Like the others, I think that it's a great idea to share what you're going through with your friend. It can be really helpful to "unload" some of this stuff and have a good friend help you work through it. Although it's very difficult to "come clean" and tell someone, it really can be an important stepping stone to becoming well again. Anxiety and panic are horrible, and very difficult for some people (who have not experienced it firsthand) to grasp the severity of the impact this has on everyday life, and it's easy to box yourself in and keep it all inside. But, by opening yourself up to someone about this, you are really showing a lot of strength and the desire to accept support.

Best of luck. And good for you for taking this step.

Jen K