Life must go on,but...(major whine warning)

kwannabee · 09-17-2005, 02:03 PM

its hard to move past everything i've been through...especially when i feel like i'm being penalized for putting so much energy and focus into things most people take for granted...like pregnancy, being a mom, being healthy, just being able to live my life like an normal person even with the drugs and doctors and wacky sideeffects...

i feel like i've lived my life pretty good considering all i've had to put up with...but its always a struggle...i'm so tired and people just dont understand, not really. We pcosers work 3times as hard to get a fraction of the success that others take for granted...its ticking me off.

I was so naive at 18 thinking that since the nimrod doctor told me i'd never have kids but could stand to lose 60lbs...that oh well if i cant have kids of my own i'd go into a carreer where i worked with them...thinking that would be enough.

how dumb is that...

but i did,i love my job as a teacher and still do and have put alot of time and energy and training into it, all the while dealing with infertility and pcos, juggling dr appts with work responsablities, trying to do it all...so when the time comes to move up the corporate ladder so to speak...the 'vibes' i get is that i 'dont need the stress', i've been through too much...my 'focus' is elsewhere...well yes to all three...and i dont regret or apologize for a minute!! And nothing, ever, will compare ever to what i went through losing my girls...ever. You all know fitting treatments into a full time job is really hard..but i dont have the option of not working, i need to work to pay for treatments, insurance...some semblance of normalcy, but now that i have my family i need to work to pay the bills...which means i could use a promotion!! Problem is my employers have seen me at my worst, most vulnerable...they are my friends too and held me up and rallied around me when i lost aimee and dana, they were there when i struggled the first time into the unknown ttc-ing my first son...they worried for me when i lay on my back for almost 7mo trying to bring my Logan into the world...and now, i feel like its backfired and i'm now seen as an oddity, too needy...risky

the position i've waited for and worked for has come up again permanent (its taken over 10 yrs for this position to come up and i hunkered down waiting for it) and now, i'm on mat leave and they could hire me and get someone to act the position til i come back...(no way would i give up my time with my baby) but the 'grapevine' says they dont think its the right time in my life to focus on my carreer.

But thats not their decision, besides i have to work regardless of what i've been through...i've juggled far more then this before...i just feel punished for trying to do what the majority of women do without thinking about, being a working mom. And i already do the work i just dont have the title or the pay...and the person acting in the position was trained by me as a student...and got it partly because i was just returning from recovering after my girls...i wasnt happy at the time but i could understand the thinking. at the time. but...i have my pride too...i was her supervisor and taught HER all my tricks so now i feel like when i go back and she gets the job...again probably...this time permanent...its like the trainer being led around by the elephant...and its not fair. All becuase i wanted to have babies when i was told i couldnt...its just another slap in the face.

sorry for my whining...last night i cried half the night thinking of my girls...how much i miss them and what i went through to bring them into the world, obviously it didnt matter...i failed miserably. Everything i did doesnt matter...they're not here. And now i'm struggling again and trying to juggle it all with my baby boy ...and feel like i'm not giving him everything he needs either...

when it comes right down to it i'd pick garbage as a career for the joy of holding my baby...but since being a sahm isnt an option

i guess i'll just have to take my chances, apply, and go back with my tail between my legs and suck up the humiliation. Oh joy.

Reebekah · 09-17-2005, 03:18 PM

i hope they give you the chance...i really do. you deserve it and shouldnt be punished professionally due to your personal issues.

but if they dont, forget about it...you got what you wanted most in life anyway, which is to be a mom and have 2 living babies. i know you have taken the long, hard road...and i know losing your girls was THE hardest thing you will probably ever go through...but in the end your ultimate dream did come true because you have a family. i know you want it all...career, family, etc.... (and god knows you DESERVE it all).....but sometimes in life we have to pick and chose what is MOST important and give a few of the other things up. if you have to give up the "dream position" due to becoming and and being a mommy, i'd say that's a trade thats well worth it.

it is SO not fair what we have been through...infertility, losing our twins, struggling with high risk pregnancies. i know people look at us with pity. i know we are losing professional opportunies because of our personal issues. i was finishing up my BS in Human Resources when I got pg. with my girls. Around the same time, my boss was talking to me about a promotion. Well then I lost them (and my mind for a while). And then I became pg. again and had to get a cerclage. And hopefully soon I will have a baby boy in my arms. Guess what.....that promotion never freaking happened. Once in a while it bother me....but mostly i say screw it, i dont care....i dont regret taking meds that got me pg. with twins, i dont regret grieving how i did when i lost them, and i dont regret trying again for another baby as soon as i could. if it cost me money or status in my organization, i dont care....because in the end all i really wanted in life is to have a family anyway, and if i have that then its easy for forget about the rest.

kwannabee · 09-17-2005, 03:46 PM

Thanks Ree...especially for not being mad at me for whining when like you said having my living babies is the ultimate success...i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself...

also we're so broke right now even though i'm on mat leave employment is a big issue...

SheriKCMO · 09-17-2005, 06:03 PM

Kim,
You can whine all you want. Once in a while it really helps to get this out. I wish that there was another place hiring for good positions and you could change. Sometimes, even though we have friends at work, it's better to start fresh with no history somewhere. Let's say you had a little surprise pg come along. Your current employer would once again throw their hands in the air and think "here we go again" having to fill your shoes for several months and such. With a new employer, they would be sharing this journey with you for the first time. And it is a possibility!

Anyway, that's just one option if it exists. Even working your way up through a new place would take less time than the absolute dead end you're in now.

Sorry to say it like that, but by your description, these people know that your top priority is at home. Unfortunately management and such requires crazy people who have no lives. Again, a new employer wouldn't know this stuff about you and might give you a chance.

You could come down and work at one of my mom's old centers.

They are a couple of hours away from me, but she could still pull some strings with the new owners. lol Mom is so glad she retired. Over thirty years in child care has fried what was left of her brain!! I don't know how any of you do it. But I'd love it if you were close!!!

It stinks missing our babies. Period. And I feel silly hurting as much as I do as the years pass. And then I feel silly for feeling silly, because of course I would still hurt. Everyone else seems to have moved on, the IL's, my folks, sometimes DH. I feel like the only one carrying that torch, like I'm mentally ill and no one is telling me. But like you, sometimes I do need to spend the evening grieving. It's especially bad when I'm tired or other things aren't going well. But the big picture is that we are still without those babies. It still hurts. I assume to some extent that it always will. I'm sorry about that, my friend.

Hugs, as always,
Sheri

Reebekah · 09-17-2005, 07:14 PM

great idea, sheri....the whole starting new thing could work!
me and my dh often talk about this too. we are thinking of moving elsewhere where everyone doesnt know our personal history and people dont judge us based on what we've been through. i know for a fact that my current employer thinks "how can she concentrate on a better position when she has so much on her plate" and "this girl is on the mommy track, not the career track" and they think of me as nothing more than "the poor girl who has all the baby issues". even my dh has been passed up for promotion b/c they know he's not willing/able to travel because of me, andn because he has to take off so much to take me to the doctors and because they know anything could happen with my pregnancy and he will need to take time off.
what do you think of applying for similar positions elsewhere, kim?
and OF COURSE im not not mad at you for whining. you have a right to feel how you feel. i know how many moms get to have normal, uneventful pregnancies and still climb the career ladder at the same time. i see it every day within my organization. its not fair that everyone doesnt get an equal chance! just because we cant just get pregnant and have babies easily does not mean it should cost us in other areas of our lives!

kwannabee · 09-17-2005, 10:37 PM

.

Quote:

"how can she concentrate on a better position when she has so much on her plate" and "this girl is on the mommy track, not the career track" and they think of me as nothing more than "the poor girl who has all the baby issues".

Ya see...you girls ALWAYS understand!!!! I have alot of options and a colleague who gets mad at me for not taking the big leap and doing something else...i guess i just really like where i am and i'm original staff and i set up the program and unpacked the furniture...its kinda my substitute baby...I just got home...john actually read my post and felt sorry for me so he sent me out for a few hours...said here take the car (van costs to muchin gas) and go buy yourself something (even though we're so tight) so i go buy some shower gel and on the way home cell phone dies and so does the car...i break down on the side of the highway!!!

So now, no promotion, no phone and i better ration my shower gel cuz i have no car!!!

AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

VivC · 09-17-2005, 11:11 PM

((Kim)). My loss happened between jobs, so I don't have to worry about higher-ups thinking about it during this pregnancy. In fact, my immediate supervisor, when I told her that I won't be going to the Orlando conference in April, said, "Why not? Kathy went to our Chicago conference when she was almost due." I had to REMIND her that this pregnancy will be high risk. I'm not going anywhere unless they're willing to fly my doc along with me.

I do worry that my cervix will shorten, I'll end up on bedrest, and it will affect future opportunities. But the way I see it, nothing they give me will ever equal what I have at home. If all goes well, I'll be able to work part-time, or from home after Smoochie's born. If not, I'll have to find something else.

We've worked too hard to get our babies to ever take them for granted.

((hugs)),

kwannabee · 09-18-2005, 09:47 AM

Quote:

We've worked too hard to get our babies to ever take them for granted.

YouSaid It Cyster!!!

Viv...i've got high hopes for you...and i know for a fact the bedrest helped so stay as quiet as you can...Smootchie is gonna make it!!

SABTeacher · 09-18-2005, 11:55 PM

Whine away, sweetie. It is not fair and it completely sucks. I have learned that there is just no fairness in TTC or having kids. I have seen my 15 year old students get pregnant with little thought or effort and (of course) sustain successful healthy pregnancies. While watching this, I was struggling with my own miscarriages and wondering how and why this could happen. I still struggle to understand this all and I probably always will. For all we've been through, we deserve to moan and complain from time to time! It's so hard to be strong all the time.

By the way, I'm sorry that your employers see you as a little bit of a risk. Little do they know that they are missing out big time. They don't realize that in order to go through what you've been through and not throw in the towel shows that you are VERY strong and very capable of handling whatever a promotion could possibly throw your way. It will be their loss.

Shari

DiamondInTheRough · 09-19-2005, 02:24 AM

Ah, good old public education. Well, my husband and most my immediate family are or will be teachers (also in Ontario!), and I cannot believe the politics involved. You have to fight tooth and nail to get anywhere in this field.

In my opinion, those vibes you are getting borderline on discrimination. They don't have the right to discourage you from moving on. Just because you aren't there, so what you are not breaking any contract or laws. You are within your right to apply and be equally considered for positions. It's so frustrating, and so difficult to juggle everything at once, but I think women have the endurance that men can only dream of.

I know it is tough now, but things will iron themselves out. Perhaps you should talk to your Union rep and find a gentle yet memorable way to let the administration know you haven't dropped off the face of the earth.

Best of luck!