 A Little Bit Lost...
This is completely a random "poem" in the relaxed sense of the word.
I'm a little bit lost...
Okay, not lost but confused.
Confused, overwhelmed, stressed-out.
Anything and everything I guess.
I cried that day.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.
It isn't a death sentence.
I can do something about it.
I think of the women I've known.
They had breast cancer.
Three special women in my life.
They're all fine now.
Remission.
Sometimes I wish I could have remission from this.
You can't put this in the same category really.
That could have been death and...
Well this could too.
I might start crying.
That day, all I heard was "cancer"
I'm a hypocondriac and know it.
I freaked.
If I don't take care of myself....blah,blah...cancer.
And no one gets the feeling.
At church, someone popular - well-known.
Pain and something else I've forgotten.
Everything focused on her.
I'll admit. I wanted the attention.
Pleaded for it.
Cried in the darkness for anyone.
I thought that night that God was dead.
Maybe I'm dead.
No...I'm not.
I can't explain this easily.
I think I end up plotting against myself.
Oops...forgot the meds.
My side hurts...please take pity.
Then I get annoyed and angry.
Leave me the hell alone!!
You don't get it!
You don't understand me!
You don't know....
You just...don't.
I've taken care of others. Wanted them...
To be happy and cared for.
Suppose they are.
Messiah-complex I'm told.
I'll save them all and leave myself to drown.
I'm still overwhelmed.
I don't know why.
No money. No insurance. No help.
Too much help sometimes.
Try this...then this. Oh...and that.
I wish there was a surefire way.
Take this and you'll feel better, or your money back!
No easy way to fix a bit of a mangled, complex mess inside.
I'll plod along.
I do...alone usually.
One small light and I hope he's real.
He says the sweetest things.
He'll help he says.
I hope I'm not dreaming. I pinch myself often.
Then I realize that's not me pinching...
It hurts.
I'm Tired.
__________________
But I'm not calm. It's all a lie. It's just that when everybody else is screaming, somebody has to be mature and unemotional, so I have these brain-dead moments where I don't react the way any sane human being would. I stay completely calm and ignore my feelings and compromise and make everything work again. And I'm not going to do that anymore. Screw calm. Somebody else is going to have to do mature because I'm going to be selfish and get what I want.
276lbs = 106lbs to go! (Goal 170lbs)
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