a little giggle for us all (long)

themiddlecysta · 07-25-2005, 04:55 AM

I found this on another site and thought I would share it... I hope you laugh as hard as I did when I read it... Remember life isn't what we look like , it's how much we enjoy it and the laughs.. i edited a few objectionable words

Hair Removal

This is allegedly a true story, and if It’s not it should be.

As Beth told the story…

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless hair removal – the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now… The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night.

I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hoot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I’m not the girly-est of girls but I’m mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works.

You’d think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other, stuck together.

I’m supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I’m guessing).

I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.

Cold wax my a$$. (Oh how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t bad.

I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next strip, I moved north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right a$$ cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind! Blind from pain!

Vision returning.

Oh crap. I’ve managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.

Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?

Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again.

I want to see my trophy – my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair – the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch.

I feel.

I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout “nooooo!!”

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of “The Tar Baby”.

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake… up until this point, you’ll remember, I’ve had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut.

A$$? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says “I hope you don’t have to crap anytime soon. Your head just might pop off.”

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to desperately figure out what I should do next.

Hot water!

Hot water melts wax! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand and get in – the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.

And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub… in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I’m stuck to the tub.

I call my friend because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.

It’s never good to start a conversation with “So my a$$ and vagina are stuck to the tub.”

She doesn’t have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the a$$ – “Are we talking cheek or hole, here?” she asks.

She isn’t even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is.

“You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and someone called with their entire crack sealed shut we’d just put them on hold, then record the conversation for everyone we know. You’re going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.”

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water, and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming “It’s working! It’s working!” I get hearty congratulations from my friend and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice to my dismay that the hair is still there.

So I shaved the darned stuff off. He!! I was numb by that point anyway.

And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

StarMaiden · 07-25-2005, 05:06 AM

Thank you, that provided some much needed guffaws!

A male friend, a carpenter, once told me the story of how he accidentally sat on a board that had some construction adhesive smeared all over it. He sat there for a while. A good while. Didn't notice it had pretty much soaked through his jeans and underwear.

His wife had to do the tender surgery to separate his goodies from his clothes. He is utterly dumbfounded that any woman would ever want to deliberately depilatate this part of the body, now, and he also now believes women have far more courage than men.

LaurAnnHere · 07-25-2005, 05:08 AM

OMG. I about fell oput of chair.

The funnies thing is I know that must be a true story b/c I've used that very same type of wax and got myself into my own sticky situation. Though I luckily managed not to glue my personals together I thought I would never get that wax off!

themiddlecysta · 07-25-2005, 05:15 AM

glad you ladies enjoyed it.. hehehe.. ps i am in chat if anyone wants to join me

stillbeautiful · 07-25-2005, 08:38 AM

That was hysterical! Nice writing style you have.
I makes me think of what happened a few weeks ago when, tired of shaving the patch of hair on my chest, I decided to try some hot waxing action. I've swallowed my pride and had my behind waxed professionally before (not too expensive and worth the money but it still does grow back, though it is less coarse), so I've seen how it's done. I thought I'd try my chest first as it was easily accesible. The package says to test the temperature of the heated wax on in the inside of your wrist. Check. All systems go. So I smeared the wax and rubbed on the piece of cloth and pulled and VOILA!, instant smoothness. I was impressed. But I needed to go over the area a couple of times to catch the strays, no big deal, I thought. A little painful, but oh to be smooth! About an hour later I noticed that the temporary redness that the cloth-strip pulling had caused had not only not gone away, but was getting worse by the minute, and with it came an uncomfortable burning sensation. Another hour passed and, almost in tears from the pain and burning, I applied aloe and ice. That night, and for the next two, I slept smeared in aloe and covered with an ice pack. Then came the blistering/skin peeling/scabbing. How I regretted waxing! I tested the temp on the inside of my wrist, didn't I? But how do I explain how I got this nasty, isolated burn to the boyfriend? I came up with a farfetched ice tea brewing equipment malfunction at work (at a restaurant). He bought it. With the worst of it over, and no scarring, thank goodness, I don't think I will be trying that again in the near future. Razors are my friends.

KatrinaAnne · 07-25-2005, 10:50 AM

LOL

This was so cute and funny...thank you for the laughter and the smiles!

::Hugs::

SweetMe · 07-25-2005, 12:53 PM

ROFL hehe, i used to wax my inner thighs...i know the struggle of trying to walk from bedroom to bathroom to get the wax remover...without sticking yourself to, um, yourself! Magic cream has sorted that out! (beware...do NOT get magic cream on ur arm whilst applying elsewhere

)

G2 · 07-25-2005, 04:06 PM

too funny..Thanks for sharing!

paisleystar · 07-25-2005, 05:16 PM

Absolutey Hilarious!!!!!!!!!