(LONG RANT) How to handle situation with friends abortions and my loss

SabrinaBusch · 05-03-2007, 12:13 AM

Ok i'll give you a little background to this problem i'm having.
I was told by tons of Docs that it would basically take forever for me to get pregnant. My friend and her DH knew all about this as i talked with her lots. They had a baby before they were married but had two abortions before that, they only kept this baby because they couldn't afford to have another abortion. Well after they got married and the baby they have is about 2, she was bugging him for another. He didn't want another so he told her she couldn't get pregnant again until i did, he did this knowing it would take me forever and he could buy himself some time (hurt my feelings and felt like a sick joke) Well i got pregnant November 2007 and she (without telling me started trying right after my news basically proving what he said was really true) got pregnant three months later She's due in Nov 2008. I lost my baby 4-3-07, and now i watch her going thru her pregnancy and i can't help but want to say something to her about not deserving what she has, for all the abortions she had. I want her to know how bad it hurts me to have my baby taken away from me and she can "pick and choose" which babies she wants to keep. I can't look at her anymore and i want to know if she feels bad about the other babies. What do i do in this situation, i'm in a small town so i can't avoid her. I really want to say something to her but i don't know if i should or how to say it "nicely"

Has anyone else had a similar situation, what would you do in my shoes??
I'm just so ferious at this, why does she get to have two babies, healthy pregnancies after two abortions and it seems like babies are toys to her. She isn't finacially stable for the first one and isn't at all for this one. She doesn't take care of the one she has and never watches him, drops him off with whoever and keeps him up all hours of the night so she can drive her dumbass DH to work and pick him up instead of him taking the car. Which by the way isn't their car its her FIL and instead of looking for one of their own they keep using it. Buying computers and diamonds with tax money instead of buying a car. Which she doesn't look for a job and is on Welfare and he works two nights a week. They don't look for new jobs and she doesn't want to work. (i'm not against welfare for those who need it) but they abuse it. Anyways thanks for letting me rant! I feel better for getting it out

lovepotato · 05-03-2007, 12:53 AM

I'm sorry. I'm really touchy about abortion too. I had a later loss like you. My mom knew a girl who had an abortion pretty much as late as you can in Ohio. I was livid. I didn't let my mom even talk about her. It upset me so much.

It sounds like you're mad at her not only for the abortions, but for also being what sounds to be a crappy mom. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like her right now.

Can you stay away from her? Her husband sounds like a piece of work too. She doesn't seem like the type of person you should be around right now.

BTW, when is your walk? I'd like to donate to it. I didn't get to do the walk this year.

SabrinaBusch · 05-03-2007, 01:41 AM

It's May 5th this saturday the link for it is www.walkamerica.org/Emesmomma

Thanks for the reponse, that is exactly how i feel. I don't care for her husband, and i try to stay away but when she has her baby there is no way to not hear about it in this tiny town. She's not very smart either, not in understanding my feelings so i fear i will be the first she calls when she goes to the hospital. I tried to make it very clear that i can't handle pregnant women and babies right now. Truth is it doesn't bother me a whole lot, just her. I feel horrible but i hope she has another boy, because she really wants a girl. I know thats bad thoughts but if she has another boy it won't bother me as much. She only wanted another baby in hopes that it would be a girl. So that would be my way of "sticking" it to her. lol I'm just upset about it. Thanks for listening to me rant

Thanks again

SheriKCMO · 05-03-2007, 12:37 PM

I think you should tell her you can't be friends anymore. She sounds like a really negative person in your life, and there's just no point. I won't go into detail, but my opinion of her pregnancies is that it's her business, and each of us goes through our hardships. How you decide to deal with it is important to your own emotional health, and that's what counts right now. Whether you hurt her feelings or not is irrelevent, you just need to get away.

Hugs!

SabrinaBusch · 05-03-2007, 02:16 PM

So it was kinda ironic but she came to me today and chatted and her abortions came up, she brought it up. She just told me that she felt horrible for what she did becuz she didn't want to do it in the first place and then she said it made her hurt worse after she heard what happened to me and hurt her even more after she saw the pictures of my daughter. I feel like i got some sort of closer. I just wanted to know how she felt about what she did. I understand its everyones choice. I was just curious how she felt. I feel better, not because she feels horrible but because i know her feelings, I feel so much better. THanks ladies for the reponses

lovepotato · 05-03-2007, 08:39 PM

I'm so glad you feel better. That has to have been a tremendous weight on your shoulders. I'm glad you could have that talk with you friend.

SheriKCMO · 05-04-2007, 01:03 AM

Wow, I'm really glad she chose to open up to you! What a relief to know what's going on in her head! (((Hugs))) I am really glad you can get past this part of your relationship with her. It sounds like she really needs you as a friend. Maybe you can be frank about some of the things you described about her life. I have told some moms that it helps me feel better to know they really treasure their children, so you might come up with something like that for her.

Melissa0909 · 05-08-2007, 11:12 PM

I had a similar situatin, but not quite the same. After several weeks things just haven't resolved either.

I have a friend who also takes pregnancy for granted. We have been friends for over 10 years. She had an abortion in high School, then got pregnant again after graduation and had the baby. She then broke it off with the dad and got pregnant again. She had a 2nd abortion. Things also did not work out with the Dad.

Everyone has known how hard I have worked to get pregnant, and when I became pregnant I was overjoyed. However, I had 2 very big scares and I miscarried one of my twins. The drs were weary that the other twin would survive.

The day I came out of the hospital and shared the news with my friend she told me she had to tell me something and that noone else knew. She then stated that she was pregnant and wished she was miscarrying too. I was never so hurt in my life. She went on and on about how she cant have another one and that it was her time to have a life. i WAS FLOORED.

I did not talk to her for a week, and she did give several apologies for her inconsideation, but still I feel like it will never be the same. We since have talked stupid small talk, and I try not to let it bother me but it does.

She had the abortion and told me several times how much of an ass her ex is for not going with her, and for her having to do it alone. However, I have no sympathy. I think she is a selfish for getting pregnant over and over and killing her babies. I also think that if she is old enough to be a mom she should be old enough to use birth control.

After all these years of friendship it just makes me sick.

Its very hard to have a loss and know that other people just terminate the pregnany

i think its so hard when its someone colse to us as well.

I can only share my story because I have yet to find a band aid for the wound.

VivC · 05-09-2007, 02:41 AM

((Melissa)). Your friend is VERY insensitive! I think I'd have to take a huge step back from that relationship.

Sabrina, I know many women who have had abortions who later regret it, and every single one of them wonders about those lost babies. I'm glad your friend was able to share that with you.

Viv

RunnerDuck · 05-10-2007, 04:42 AM

My husband wanted me to have an abortion when I was first pregnant with my son. It sucked. It really sucked. The things I had to work through and think about... it wasn't easy at all. I feel like a lot of people feel like women have abortions and it is an "easy" choice for them and they are horrible people but the truth is when you are facing that choice... it's not easy. I don't think you should look down on someone for having an abortion. I think when I was first diagnosed as PCOS it made me kind of pro-life in that I felt any woman "lucky" enough to get pregnant should be happy she is pregnant... but it's not so cut and dried. Being pregnant when you DON'T want to be is not really any easier than NOT being pregnant when you DO want to be. You feel out of control either way and while you may feel the grass is always greener... it ain't so. Just as one man's trash is another treasure, one woman's fantasy is another woman's nightmare.

THAT said ... people who keep having abortions ... well maybe they need to think about birth control... granted my son was a BCP "failure" but statistically you aren't going to have failures over and over. Responsibility, people! Take some f'ing responsibility for yourself.

So the problem isn't that your friend has had abortions... the problem is that your friend is lousy parent material and yet somehow people who make crappy parents are able to get pregnant easily and repeatedly. THAT is the issue here.

It's taken me a while to respond to this post because of the abortion thing... I just hate to come across as too b*tchy you know? Don't be angry that she has had abortions. If she's that lousy a parent, then maybe that's what she should have done. But you have every right to be angry that fertility is handed out so arbitrarily. Some people who don't deserve it get to be parents over and over, and some of us who have everything going for us to give to a child just somehow get STUCK. And that's just not fair at all. Why do people who don't want kids, or can't afford kids, or abuse their kids, or whatever, keep having them? And easily? It's not fair!!!!!!!!

I think you need to break up with your friend. Sometimes in life there are just people we are better off without.

SabrinaBusch · 05-10-2007, 01:55 PM

I talked to her a while back and she didn't want the abortions. I feel bad that she went thru it but she wanted the babies and i feel like she should have stood up to him and told him what she felt. I was upset about it because they didn't use protection and the dad doesn't like the way a condom feels so instead they terminate babies. That doesn't make sense to me, use a condom. What ever happened to adoption, she could have had the babies and put them up for adoption. I was simply asking how to handle the situation, this situation is different from others. I'm not talking about others abortions, i'm talking about my friends situation and how all her problems come into play. It not just the abortions its her Dh using my bad situation saying that they couldn't have another child until i got pregnant, knowing its not easy for me and it would take a while. I was hurt by that comment because its a way for him to buy time because i'm "unfortunate" or whatever. There was more than just the abortions, there was alot of things coming from that couple and i wanted to know how to handle it.
I was curious how she felt and was asking for advice on how to handle it, should i talk to her or should i just let it go?? The questions i had for her are answered, she came to me and wanted to talk about it. I have complete closer on it after speaking to her. I sometimes wish she would have had the babies and i would have gladly taken them

I'm not meaning to offend anyone who has had abortions, this was all about my friend. Everything about her added to the abortions and comments from her dh. Sorry if i offended anyone.

VivC · 05-10-2007, 05:36 PM

Sabrina, I don't think you offended anyone. I think everyone just wanted to make sure they worded their answers just right. I'm sorry your friend didn't get some BCPs instead of aborting the resulting babies. It would have been cheaper and easier! ((Hugs)). I'm glad you're feeling a little better about the situation now.

Viv

SabrinaBusch · 05-10-2007, 05:42 PM

Thanks Viv, i know about the BCP's she said she ran out and didn't get to the pharmacy to get anymore. I always had a pack waiting to finish the other, but that's me. I'm done being mad at her, it does hurt a little that she's due around the time i would have been not because of her past just because its a constant reminder of what i was supposed to have for the first time in my life. I love and miss my little girl everyday and my very first child is gone. It hurts my heart everyday.

VivC · 05-10-2007, 07:23 PM

It's always going to hurt, but it does get easier. ((hugs)).

Viv