hi ladies....I haven't posted to this board in quite a while. I come on every now and then to read, but sometimes it becomes too hard. I used to post quite often, but since the loss of my son, not quite two years ago, I haven't been really motivated to do so. For those who don't know, my previous pregnancy was the surprise of the decade. I was so in shock when I saw the blue line I just stood there, dumbfounded. It was a wonderful tragedy. I lost Tyler at 17 weeks due to group B strep infection...I read a post on here earlier that said that it really hurts most because there is no one to blame. It seems like if you could just put the blame on someone it would be better. And that is what I did...I blamed myself, my body, my doc for not listening enough to me, and Lord forgive me, I blamed God. At one time I had wished I had never gotten pregnant. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Almost two years later, it still hurts. Mostly when i have a bout of depression. Last week was really bad, but a dear friend helped me to pull out of it. I see how many women on this board have lost more than one child. I don't think I am that strong, and my whole heart goes out to all of you. You all give me hope, and that is what I am running short of these days. I told DH that I no longer believe we will have children, and right now I am ok with that. Really, deep down inside I still want biological children, but I don't think it is in our cards. And I no longer want to pretend that we will. Acceptance of that fact makes my heart hurt less. I hope this does not offend anyone, I am definetly not saying give up to anyone, I have not given up, just given out. I am now on a journey to become healthy while living with PCOS...I am motivated now to lose weight and start eating right, namely low carbing. 6 months after losing Tyler I had a procedure called a SIS, saline-infused-sonogram...or something like that. Anyway, they fould polyps on my uterus, I have not had a period in almost a year, and my new doc is spazing out cause he just got my records and wants to repeat the procedure because he wants to see what is going on right now. So I had to take provera to induce a cycle and now I am waiting for a bleed....sounds like fun huh..lol
I wanted to post today to say hello to all of the angel mommies on this forum. Even though we lost our angels, we were all so blessed just to have life inside of us at all. Hold on to that memory...one lady on this board had a saying on her signature that said something like 'my desire to be a mom is greater than my fear of another miscarriage'...I have always rememeberd that line because to me that is a powerful statement. Hold on ladies, hold on to your mommy desire...
Baby dust and blessing to you all...
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Shandris, thanks for updating! And you do sound like you've come a long way in your grief journey. It is never easy, but we learn to make a new life without that precious baby. If your new life doesn't include more children, that's totally okay!
Getting healthier is such a great idea. I do really well low carbing, and I don't have to go to 20 grams/day if my carbs are from green veggies and stuff. Maybe you can be an inspiration to me... I've been cheating bigtime! I hope you are feeling great soon, and good luck with the polyps. Thank goodness I haven't had to deal with that.
Hugs as always, my friend!
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Shandris- It's so good to hear from you. We were on the TTC after a loss thread together! I'm glad you are back and doing okay! It's so hard to heal after our angels must leave and the blame game is one we all play. Good job on working on losing the weight and I hope the dr is able to find out some information for you.
I also took a lot of strength from Gina's (phoenixrising^^^) signature. Hope to see you around!
Shandris, (((((BIG HUGS)))))
I'm so glad you updated us!!! I wondered what happened to you. I think taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do.
As far as trying again, you and only you can decide that. If you and DH have decided not to try again that's perfectly fine. Have you considered adoption or have you decided not to have kids at all? No matter what, just know that you are loved here on this board.
I am touched by what you said about my quote.
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
Check my album for current pictures
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
oh my..I didn't realize that you all remembered me. Thank you for making me feel so welcome and a part of all of this.
SheriKCMO...I hope that I can keep this LC thing up. I am actually really motivated right now and I haven't really craved anything sweet, which is my biggest problem. We have a lot of local farmers around here that sell fruits and veggies on the roadside...one place in particular is so incredibly inexpensive that once they open i hardly every purchase veggies from the grocery store. Too bad you can't freeze tomatoes..I have been doing it for only 4 days, but so far so good.
mtm72401...hey lady, yes I remember you, how are u doing? thank you so much for posting...I think I need to do a thorough search and read to catch up on how everyone is doing. Hard to believe it took me this long to be ok, but right NOW I can finally say i am OK. Cramping like the dickens, can't wait until all of this is over, I am trying to stay positive about the whole polyp thing. As long as they don't have to take anything essential out or find cancer, I can deal with everything else.
Phoenix Rising....what can I say....so many days and times I have thought about you and your signature saying. So many times it reaffirmed to me what my true hearts desire was. I can truly say that you are so much of an inspiration to me...I so admire your strength and attitude. If there was an award for the biggest heart I would give it to you. I just want to let you know that I am your biggest fan and if there is every anything that I can do or give please let me know.
I don't know if I have completely given up, just for right now I am tired. I have let this dominate my life for so long that I feel it is time to put all of that energy into becoming healthy. LOL...the last time I felt like this I became pregnant...LOL, so who knows what will happen. I will not hinder pregnancy, but I don't want to concentrate so hard on forcing it...obviously my body does not respond to the 'typical' treatments or methods, so I guess when it is time it will happen. I still watch special delivery on the discovery channel, and I watch it without crying (why do we do things that torture ourselves so much sometimes...) and I appreciate and cherish life and children so much now....maybe later in life DH and I may think about adoption...we will see DH supports whatever I want to do,
anyway enough about me...thanks again ladies..you all made me feel so welcomed.
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I had the SIS procedure, no polyps...my doc said that polyps dont just go away on their own, so either I was mis diagnoses or a miracle happened and they went away...I think I was misdiagnoses...doc also said that group B strep did not cause my previous m/c, an incompetent cervix did...i was so glad to hear him say that...at least someone told me the truth...any way, right now i am just using NPC to help with my cycles and to regulate myself...while I had the SIS procedure he showed me my ovaries...they are both 4x the size of normal ovaries...that really scared me and i am so upset about that...so I am using the cream in hopes of putting my hormones back into balance. I am in Vegas right now on business, having a ball.....
I have become more hopeful of getting preggo again...I guess I am just feeling so many things right now, if I could only get my hormones in check I would be good to go.
how are you doing Phoenix?
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Long time no post 
