Long time since I posted here but I need advice

SheriLynnC · 08-10-2005, 05:57 PM

Well, let me warn you all before you get started reading this will probably turn into a terribly long vent. I just feel the need to type it all out and get it off my chest. Please don't feel obligated to read it all if you are busy. I think it is just a sort of therapy for me to let it out. So, here we go....

I have been struggling with a depression lately. It has been brought on mostly due to my TTC again. My weight is a huge issue, along with my age, and my having PCOS. In the spring my grandmother (mother's mom) was diagnosed with lung cancer and at her age (will be 90 in October) she is refusing any treatments. She wants to enjoy whatever time she has left without dealing with chemo treatments or surgeries. Then my grandfather's (dad's father) 2nd wife (not my grandmother but the lady he married when my grandmother passed away) was killed in a terrible car accident about 3 weeks ago. If that wasn't enough 2 weeks ago he had a blood clot go to his lungs and we almost lost him. Thank goodness he was in the doctors office when it happened and they were able to save him. They said he would have to have surgery to have a stint put in to keep the clots from going to his lungs because he had this happen a year ago. As they were getting him ready to go home they did a MRI and found a "huge mass" on his lung. They are almost 100% sure this is LUNG CANCER. He unlike my grandmother mentioned above has been a smoker in the past but had quit years ago. So, now when they do the surgery for the stint they will do a biopsy on the mass. This will be done the end of this month. Like my grandmother he is going to refuse any treatments or surgeries other than the biopsy because he is also in his mid 80's and feels he has lived a good life and wants to die peacefully. Now, I have two grandparents each dealing with lung cancer. I have heard over and over what a terrible death that is and it kills me to think they will suffer such a disease. It breaks my heart.

I was put on an antidepressant (Cymbalta) about 3 weeks ago and as of yesterday the doctor decided to change it. When I first started the drugs I lost my appetite (which was a welcome side effect for me since I need to lose weight) and had diarrhea if I did eat. When I changed to a higher dosage things started going down hill. My appetite came back, I went from diarrhea to severe constipation, sweating so badly my clothes would be soaking wet from walking across an airconditioned room, and inability to have an orgasm (never had a problem there before

So, now I am on Wellbutrin XL which I started today. They say it takes awhile for the Wellbutrin to kick in and I quit the other "cold turkey" so maybe that is why today I am so emotional.

More on my emotional state today....My sister-in-law (whom I love dearly and think of as a sister) is 38 weeks pregnant today. She called me to let me know she had a doctor's appt and she is 3.5 cm and that they stripped her membranes. She is hoping to deliver this weekend. After taking with her I have these terrible feelings of jealousy and I hate myself for feeling this way! I find myself thinking constantly "why can't it be me?"...."it should be me!" Our children to this point have been born in order (which I know is rediclous to dwell on but I can't help myself) I had Hunter first, then she had Ahsley, then I got pregnant with Jax, then she got pregnant with Caleb and he was born 4 months after Jax, now I keep thinking it was my turn!!!!!! I know that is terrible! What kind of person can I be to think that? Why can't I just be thankful to have a new niece coming to love soon? The only feeling of happiness I am able to find in all of this is that she is having her tubes tied so I atleast have a chance at having another child without having to watch her get another chance before I do. SELFISH aren't I? I would never tell her how I feel. I am happy for her but I am sooooo sad it isn't me. She is younger than I am with lots of time to have children. I will be 36 in December and my time is running out. She gets pregnant within 2 months of trying every single time and has never had any problems in her pregnancies. I have PCOS and deal with the issues of infertility with that and I have lost 3 babies with tons of problems in each of my two pregnancies that I was able to carry to term.

What do I do? How can I change my negative thoughts? Why can't I just be happy for other people that are lucky enough to have children easily? Why does God let people who abuse and mistreat children in this world have babies, when there are so many like myself who struggle when we would love and care for our children the right way?

Oh gosh, what a day and what a mess I feel my life is in at this point! God bless any of you who made it to the end of all this. I am so sorry to vent this way but where else do I turn?

Stacie9778 · 08-10-2005, 06:07 PM

((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!!!

tiggerlily5278 · 08-10-2005, 07:29 PM

Hi. It really sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. No wonder you are feeling so lowsy. As far as your grandparents, it is true they have lead a long life and it is their choice if they do not want to accept the treatment. As hard as it is, you will have to accept it. I can understand your jealousy & frustration toward your sister with her pregnancy. Infertility can really make us feel many emotions we do not want & may even be ashamed of. We can certainly understand where you are coming from; I know I've been there. Everyone in my family & DH's family already has AT LEAST one child. We don't have any. I don't know you're beliefs or anything, but I feel that all things will come in God's time, not our's. It's hard, but you just have to keep your chin up. Don't worry about venting here, that's what we're here for. I hope you feel better soon. (((HUGS)))

Chula · 08-10-2005, 07:37 PM

Definately (((((HUGS))))) for you!

choirmissy · 08-10-2005, 09:23 PM

((((HUGS)))). I understand in part how you feel. My sister just announced last week that she was pregnant with her second. DH and I can only go the sperm bank route because he has no sperm and he was fired last week because his electrolytes were off with his diabetes so much in the past few weeks from the heat & humidity that he missed too many days, so no thought of IUI until he is employed. I am happy for my sister, but I keep thinking when will it be my turn, so I think your thoughts there are understood by so many people on this board.

I lost my father to brain cancer, so I know how hard it is for a family to deal with any cancer. I actually respect the decisions of your grandparents. It seems that they have accepted what may happen with it, and while it is definitely a sad time, it can also be a really enriching time. We had about 18 months with my dad between the diagnosis and his death, and it allowed us to say all the things we wanted to say and to have the chance to say goodbye. Watching him toward the end, we knew his passing was a blessing. It's a very emotional time, but in some ways it's so much easier than losing him unexpectantly. Hospisce is a wonderful help if you have one in your area. They did so much for our family.

Feel free to vent here any time. We're with you. I hope things get better for you. Just remember, one day at a time.

loriparks · 08-11-2005, 05:41 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this right now. I understand how you feel. I lost my mom and an uncle to cancer. My mom was 41 when she died and it was sudden. Cherish all the time you have left with your loved ones. I'm sure you will. It's such a hard thing to lose people we love and it's been the main reasons for my depression all these years. I also know about the whole sister being pregnant thing. My sister and I were both pregnant at the same time with our first babies. (well, I was 5 months when she told me she was pregnant too and I was so excited!) She told me last week that she is pregnant again and it's got me thinking how much I really do want another baby! I'm so torn because I feel happy for her but jealous at the same time. She's 21 and I'm 31 and I'm so afraid I won't be able to have another one because of pcos or that I'll have a miscarriage. Like I don't have enough freaking anxiety already!!

Were not trying at the moment. I have to lose weight. I'm not having another baby at 343 pounds and I'm not taking any chances either! I want to do all that I can to ensure that if I do get pregnant I can carry it to term. It's so nice to be able to come on here and vent all of our frustrations! It helps to get it out and to talk to people who know what we're going through. God bless you and your family and I'm sure he'll help you get through this time.