looking for some insight/advice/prayer...you name it...(long sorry)

Mandi_C · 11-15-2007, 09:18 AM

I really don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll just jump right in.
I am 23 years old, I dedicated my life to Christ at the age of 7, and re-dedicated it at the age of 15. My grandparents on my dads side are Christian (and they're the ones that basically raised me until I was 8), my parents aren't really religious, my dad was raised Christian, my mom wasn't really raised anything, her dad is Catholic but she was baptized Baptist...long story lol. ANYWAYS- I was baptized at age 18 or 19, and was attending a non-denominational Christian church. I was VERY involved in the church, I taught Kids Church 1-4 times a month, went to small group once a week and was involved with Young Life at my High School and attended Club, Monday nights, Bible study Friday mornings, Leadership Friday Nights.
And I was involved with a message board for a Christian singer. The board in the beginning was very helpful and open and a very loving place to post and socialize...i met many of these people in real life at concerts and we were all like a family. Well since then the message board has changed drastically, basically if you aren't really close with the moderators your posts are all but ignored and if they deem anything inappropriate, like asking for prayer for sexual sin, they delete the post and threaten to delete your account..basically the board is the complete opposite of what it used to be.

Well needless to say with all that activity I got burnt out. I stopped attending that church In Sept/Oct of 2004...and really haven't been to church since. I absolutely loved the pastor and the congregation, but like I said I was very burnt out and just really felt like I didn't belong anymore.

I met my fiance in March of 05. He isn't a Christian, isn't anything else though either. We are very much in love...obviously or we wouldn't be getting married. And I prayed very hard before we even started hanging out, let alone dating, that if we weren't supposed to be together, then let us not even start dating. Let us just be friends. Well obviously we started dating. And yes, having sex. And I always said that I was going to wait til I was married, and even wore a purity ring until right before we started dating.

Fast forward to November 05...we got our own apartment. Things were really good, until about april of 06...when I quit my job, and we ended up losing the apartment...well we ended up buying a trailor. While we were in the process of applying for the trailor and the park, I was having doubts about Justin and I being together. Well I prayed again to God, very heavily, that if Justin and I aren't meant to be together, to not let us get approved for the house. (I prayed and felt that if we weren't meant to be together then to make us have to live apart from each other) Well...we got approved. We had more relationship problems in the 3 months that we had that house than any other time, and I prayed SO many times that if Justin wasn't my future husband, then make him leave because I'm not strong enough to.
We're still together. And believe me I gave him (and HIM) plenty of opportunities...we had several fights where I told Justin to get out, Several more where he almost left, etc.

At this point I feel a calmness about our relationship and a peace about the thought of us getting married. The problem is that everytime we plan something to get a house of our own again (we're living with my mom since we lost the trailor over a year ago) or we plan things for the wedding...something happens. Everytime we're getting back on our feet, something happens and knocks us back down. Like we're planning on buying my best friends trailor from her outright, and were going to do that before Christmas, well in September we both got sick with bronchitis and had to go to the hospital. And then 2 days later I had to go back because I have asthma and that bronchitis caused me to go into an asthma attack and I needed breathing treatments and xrays. Well all in all, the bill from the hospital (because we don't have insurance) is over $800. I'm still waiting to hear about the financial aid from the hospital and about Medicaid.

I just feel that it's almost like Justin and I aren't meant to be together sometimes, but I feel that if that is the case, then WHY have we made it through all that we've made it through and WHY have we been together for so long (going on 2 1/2 years).

I guess it's hard to put into words how I really feel because I feel very confused, and kind of screwed over by God.

I feel like my life has been one big joke sometimes. I have asthma and PCOS that require me to be on medication every day of my life. And on top of hating the fact that I have to rely on medications to live my life, I can't afford them. What kind of a cruel joke is that, to make me feel ripped off because I feel like I can't live my life to the fullest because I'm always worried about my asthma and/or my PCOS, but on top of it I can't afford the medication to keep them under control. It sucks. I haven't been able to run without worried about my asthma since I was 8. I don't even remember what it's like to be able to breath while I run. Not to mention my PCOS causes me pain on a daily basis.

I used to believe that 'everything happens for a reason'...at this point in my life I don't know if I believe that or if I believe that that's a lie. How can I believe that there's a reason that I'm in pain everyday, and that there's a reason that I can't get a good job, or that I may not be able to have children. I used to believe that the desires of your heart were the desires of your heart for a reason, but why would I desire so badly to have a biological child (i'm not against adoption, but I have always dreamed of having at least one of my own) why would I desire that only to have it not be able to happen. Why would I desire to be successful in life...own my own business, or be a writer or a teacher or anything...just for that to not happen.

i'm sorry that this is so long, but I need someone besides the pages of my journal to read this. I need to hope that someone else has answers. maybe God will give one of you the answers that I need, since he's obviously not going to give them directly to me.

And I just want to say that It's not that I hate God or think that he doesn't exist or anything, I just don't think he's listening to me right now...

Mandi_C · 11-15-2007, 09:57 AM

Justin and I have been talking about going to church lately. We just haven't found one that we think we would both like. Neither of us likes in-your-face teachings, or the if you don't believe what we believe you're going to hell, etc. He does have mostly the same beliefs that I have, but lately I'm also confused about some of those. I guess it just comes with feeling so far from God...I don't know.

I also feel very much like a backslidden sinner. Which in some ways I am. But I also don't need or want someone shoving that in my face. I know that we're sinning by having sex, and living togethe before being married, and I don't really want to go to a Church that condones that, but I also don't want to go to a church that tells me on a regular basis how wrong it is. I know what the Bible says about it, and I know how God feels about it, that should be enough.

I don't know- I feel almost like I need some answers from God before I go back to church...I know I'm not supposed to completely understand Him, I know that there are things that I and man are never meant to understand, but I need something. Some peace or anything really..

Jashobeam · 11-20-2007, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mandi_C

I also feel very much like a backslidden sinner. Which in some ways I am. But I also don't need or want someone shoving that in my face. I know that we're sinning by having sex, and living togethe before being married, and I don't really want to go to a Church that condones that, but I also don't want to go to a church that tells me on a regular basis how wrong it is. I know what the Bible says about it, and I know how God feels about it, that should be enough.

I don't know- I feel almost like I need some answers from God before I go back to church...I know I'm not supposed to completely understand Him, I know that there are things that I and man are never meant to understand, but I need something. Some peace or anything really..
[/color]

If you want an honest opinion you probably won't want to hear here is my opinion. It seems God has been trying to talk, but you have been telling God what you want instead. You hopefully won't have peace until you are doing what God wants, not what you want. If you have peace when you are not doing what God want's that's a sign He is not punishing you. Remember the Bible says God corrects only His children. No peace in this is actually a good sign God is talking to you and urging changes in your life.

Are you reading your Bible?

Are you praying?

If no, to the above two that is the FIRST place to start. You need to ask God for His Will in your life and give EVERYTHING over to Him in prayer including your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is not who God wants you to be with you cannot just ask God to change things. God expects YOU to do what He wants, then He will act accordingly. If you got Saved before, you are Redeemed, you are not your own. Your life belongs to Christ, and yet you have taken it back from Him to try to run it on your own.

IMO you don't want to go back to church because you know you may loose your boyfriend. Either you will realize you have to let him go, or he will leave because you have decided to go back to church. You are holding on to a life that is not working, when God has blessings in store for you. He loves you more than you can ever love yourself and it saddens Him to see you living in a way that is opposite to the way He has directed. He only wants the best for you, even if it hurts (loosing your BF, not having a home, etc). None of this was said to be mean, but after seeing Christian woman after Christian woman live with a man she is not married to, drop out of church, end up marrying a non-Christian man and then suffer for her choices I have an idea of what may be in store for you if you don't make a complete turn around now. I sincerly hope you make the right decisions and get that peace you want and need.

Terah · 12-08-2007, 01:38 AM

I don't really agree with that answer...

Even after marriage, couples are tested and going through a lot of heartache and headache and trials.

That being said, let me preface the rest of my response by telling you I am not a Christian. I believe in a higher power yes. I believe in living my life rightly and being truthful, kind and generous. I was brought up Catholic but somewhere in my late teens, early 20s, it all started leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It no longer fed my soul.

One doesn't need to "go back to church" to be one with God and their beliefs. Finding a Church to belong to is difficult. It's tough being the new kid. Prayer, reading the word, quiet time (different than prayer - quieting the mind so you can hear God's words or the beauty of his works), these things done with each other can strengthen your faith in God and in each other. I don't believe that your intimacy as a committed couple is a sin. But that's my belief. You said you wore a purity ring before you met him. So you saved yourself for your husband. You just haven't said your vows yet.

When things get tough for me, I like to wash the floors or the dishes. It's mindless, rhythmic, repetitive... and I can clear my mind of all thoughts. A perfect time to quiet the mind and let the "peace that passes all understanding" come in. If I can't so that, I take three deep slow breaths in and out and say "It'll be okay".

You have survived so much already. Together. You can survive so much more.

I hope I was some help. I also hope I didn't offend anyone but I can't believe in a religion that points fingers and judges others. That's what works for me.
But we each have to find our own way.

Good luck to you hunny.

PollySis · 12-08-2007, 08:37 PM

I'd say what Terah just said. Maybe this isn't for you. We can all go through crises of faith - sometimes you get through and out the other side, sometimes not and whichever it is, ultimately, will no doubt be your path.

Either time to give it a rest or maybe explore lots of other faiths. The one we're born into (or espouse as teenagers) is often just the one you have clung to because it's all you know, for cultural reasons etc. Could be another god trying to get through. Could be time for you to explore other ideas for a while.

Like Terah, I'd wonder about a god that finds you wanting or makes you jump through hoops. There are historical reasons why those gods are around (in Europe, because the Romans enforced it on us by law at the point of a sword, basically!) and when you know a bit about the history of religions, you can draw your own conclusions about why you've found yourself believing in God A or God B in the 21stC. I also have no time for blame or the concept of 'sin' - a construct made by humans to control other humans, surely, not higher beings?

Wish you well. I know you'll work through this and find what you are meant to find, this time round!

AJanae531 · 12-28-2007, 06:59 PM

Hello, I wanted to offer my two cents if I can help.
First of all, God loves you and wants His best for you in all areas of your life. If you are a Christian, and believe that Jesus died for you, you are saved (at least that's what I've believed all these years). Please don't feel like you are a sinner. People, even Christians, sin everyday.
I cannot say whether or not your relationship is meant to be...but I believe that God shows us things about our lives that we don't always want to see. I've been in relationships where I asked God for signs, but I never "saw" anything at time, but in hindsight, there was a lot going on that I ignored.
Everything in life DOES happen for a reason, and for a season of time. I hate PCOS, but it has forced me to depend on God...I didn't think I would've had a child, but lo and behold, my Christian self stepped outside of His will and had sex with my boyfriend...and wound up pregnant. Now, I am a mommy to a 21 month old girl. Her father mistreated me and left, but I realize now that had I waited for the Right man who God has for me, my daughter would have her daddy in her life. God is her Father, who is all she needs. But that's another story.
My suggestions are to read the Bible, pray, and try to find a home church. Read the Bible daily. Find scriptures that encourage you and uplift you, and repeat them often. Some that come to mind are "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" "With God for me, who can be against me?" (I cant remember the scripture references, but you can find online Bible concordances)
Also, my favorite is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path"
And pray!!! My mother always says P.U.S.H-- Pray Until Something Happens. You don't have to pray in some fancy way like you might hear people pray. Talk to God, pour out your heart to Him. He hears you --1 John 5:14-16 (New International Version)

14This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
(from Biblegateway.com)
I believe that what you are going through is a rough season, but you will get through it.

hopeful408 · 01-30-2008, 03:50 PM

Mandi: ((HUGS)) I totally agree with Jash and Ajane, if you gave your life to Jesus, the Bible is your guide, btw sin is not man-made, it entered the world from satan, but that's another issue. anyway, God doesnt want us to sin because it cause US to suffer the consequences of it. i am not judging or condeming you, we all were bought with a blood price (from the One who knew no sin) that was the only way to restore us to God because of our sins. You are a precious child of God and i believe the Holy Spirit is speaking to you, we all have trials, but the victory has already been won for us. May God bless you and guide your every step.