Lose my best friend?

utgrrl82 · 01-08-2008, 03:14 AM

I am getting so sick of this... I dont know what to do.

I have known my best friend Ryan for a little over a year. He is gay. I am a bisexual. We used to get along very well. But lately we fight alot!

People make comments to him about being gay. He is living with four other roomates who are all straight. Every day its something new. He feels that I dont understand where he is coming from. Hello?! I am bisexual. I get a lot of crap for it because of my lifestyle too, its not just him that gets it. The difference between me and him... I stopped letting people and their opinions get to me. Some people have a problem with it, and that is ok. I do not let people affect me and I certainly dont feel the world is against me. Here is a bit of the conversation we had tonight. I am Marcy E (my real name) and he is the other one.

ldsguy1983: hey there
Marcy E: Hey hun. My phone is dead And I am sooo tired. I passed out and want to pass out again
ldsguy1983: I am so pissed off
Marcy E: why??
ldsguy1983: I hate living with straight people
Marcy E: why, what happened?
ldsguy1983: we were watching a movie and there was a part where there were two girls going at it and another part where there were a guy and girl going at it and it made me comfortable and so I started to fast forward and they were like we are not going to skip parts of the movie and then of course the guys were like omg that is so hot and it pisses me off that we can not sit down to a movie and just watch it without one of the guys saying something
ldsguy1983: and then I said sometimes I hate straight relationships and then courtney was like oh dont even get me started on homosexual relationships
ldsguy1983: it just pisses me off
Marcy E: Hhm. Its all good. I would just give it a little bit of time and let things cool down
ldsguy1983: it is not all good
Marcy E: it will be. just relax
ldsguy1983: oh ok so I dont have the right to be comfortable in my own home and I dont need to relax
Marcy E: You do have the right to be comfy in your own home but why are you letting them and their opinions get to you?
ldsguy1983: because I am tired of it
ldsguy1983: I am tired of having to put up with it
Marcy E: You dont think you might be taking it a bit further than it should be?
ldsguy1983: no you did not just say that
ldsguy1983: whatever marcy
Marcy E: Dont take that wrong hun...
Marcy E: But you have made comments about straight sex before in a joking and non-joking manner. They sat there and watched a gay sex scene with two girls and while they made comments about "Thats hot" and crap... everyone does. You may not like straight sex scenes but they do. They may not like gay scenes but of course you do. You both need to compromise.
Marcy E: And if for whatever reason they make comments about being gay... dont let them affect you!
ldsguy1983: you dont understand
Marcy E: The more it affects you the more they will play on it.
Marcy E: I dont understand it? Your not the only one who gets **** for being gay (or bi in my case)
Marcy E: Eh, I got kicked off

So that is where the conversation ended. Generally when he is mad at me he will ignore me for a few days and then things will be ok. From what he told me in the above messages.... he was in the wrong. Everything is so dramatic and its starting to get on my nerves!! Someone looks at him wrong and he starts to cry or feels like they hate him because he is gay. He feels the world is against him because he is gay.

And yes, there are some people who do not like or will not even talk to me because of my lifestyle, but again I am fine with that. I dont expect everyone to like it and I honestly dont care. But no matter what I say.. he doesnt get it. He lets everyones words affect him.

I understand where he can be upset. Sometimes he has every right to be upset but in cases like above, he seems to create his own drama and then when it unfolds... he thinks its everyone else and everyone against him because of his lifestyle.

Here is the issue. I have gotten to a point in my life where I dont want drama. I am getting rid of all the drama in my life and the people who create and live in drama and negativity. He is one of them. While he complains about it... he seems to love drama. He seems to want sympathy for even breathing. I dont want to just push him aside as he is my best friend. But at the same time I do not want to be around his negativity and drama.

Am I being mean or selfish?
I want honest opinions. What would you do??

Kittie · 01-08-2008, 04:58 AM

Just let him deal with it. I see nothing wrong with what you said what so ever! I had a bad time with IM and an ex BFF. Lets just say she always took everything I said to offense and I never understood, she CRAVED my sympathy all the time but never had time when I was troubled, nothing would compare what she would be going through. We use to always fight over things over IM. I now avoid them with a passion, I really dislike them as you lose th humaness of expression and voice, thus what you say can be misinterpreted. As you said he obviously just wants to be a drama queen, let him have his whinge, you can either let him build a bridge or be like "poor baby, sorry you are going through it. What are you going to do?" and just let him blab, thats all they truly want. There is seriously just no changing people who think the world revolves around them and their problems, everything is "woe is me" lol I hope that has helped

Kalyn · 01-08-2008, 05:27 AM

Just out of curiosity, is it everyone else making him uncomfortable or is it HIM making HIM uncomfortable? You said you don't let what everyone else thinks about your lifestyle bother you, but obviously he does. And to me, that sounds like maybe he is the one that has the issue with the way he is and not everyone else.

Maybe you should bring this to his attention. That might make him stop and rethink about the whole issue, or make him more ticked off at you. I know sometimes it sucks having to be so "brutal" to a friend, but in the end, it usually makes the friendship stronger. If he is a true friend he will respect your feelings about him always dumping his problems on you.

vancouverNicole · 01-08-2008, 05:28 AM

Sounds like he just wanted someone to say 'that must be frustrating' and see his side.
Not that it would help his situation in the long run. Sometimes it's hard to know what the best thing to do is as a friend.. Either tell people what they want to hear, or give them a different perspective.

PCGeekz · 01-08-2008, 06:22 PM

I had an ex-coworker that was the same way. He was gay, his lifestyle didn't matter to me nor anyone else in our office. He always had drama everyday especially on Monday's where he would tell the weekend dramas to us. He hasn't told his parents he's gay (he's in his late 20's) and very flamboyant. I don't know how they don't know.

Anyway, Maybe sit down with him, tell him you really need to have a heart to heart or you'll have to distance yourself which you don't want to do. Be honest with him and to yourself. Maybe write it all down first, get it on paper that always seems to be easiest, then edit edit edit. Call him over for a one on one night... maybe a pamper night, nails and hair (some gay guys like that).

Be as honest as you can without being hurtful. Maybe he needs to join a group of some sort to talk about things with people in his same situation, maybe he needs different living arrangements if he feels uncomfortable there, maybe he needs someone to be open and honest to him so he sees it as it is.

I'm sure it won't be easy but if you can't handle it anymore, I think you only have 2 choices, tell him or distance yourself from him.

Good luck

utgrrl82 · 01-08-2008, 06:22 PM

He is very insecure about himself. He always plays and says the "I am happy" game but then later he will ask me if I was a guy if I would think he is hot. While I love him to death because he is my best friend and he has been there for me through a lot.... I really dont want to hear him being dramatic because he refuses to do anything about it.

He is against himself really.. not the world. He thinks when something goes wrong or someone does something its because of his sexuality... I dont get it. Maybe I am not as sensative as I should be but everything is blown way up out of proportion and it bugs me.

And I have met his roomates. While sometimes they do make comments about his sexuality.. he does the exact same thing. Its like he can dish it but he cant take it.

I have tried to talk to him before about it and when I do.. he feels I am being insensative and like he said above, he feels I dont understand when I do. I have had my life threatened numerous times, people vandalize my stuff, etc. I dont understand???!!! I think I do.

I dont want to lose him as a friend but I feel like whatever I say to him wont change his mind. It wont do any good.

utgrrl82 · 01-08-2008, 06:30 PM

PCGeekz - We were writing at the same time lol.

That is really good advice, thank you! I have my pre-op today for surgery and once that is done I think I will take some time to write out that letter to him. That way I know what to say when I do say it. I hope he sees that as me trying to help him and be upfront with him versus me trying to hurt him.

PCGeekz · 01-08-2008, 06:36 PM

The guy I used to work with, he used to go to "my space" and lash out at others for his insecurities. I was one of his targets once, when I called him on it he was all like... how did you find my page, why would you go to my space. Well he was a friend (I thought) so I wanted to visit his page, when I saw 2 bad slams against me it put me in tears, when I called him on it he said he wouldn't do that again. I got past it, he apologized and we are all good. But he didn't know where to vent his frustrations and took it to my space and hurt others.

I think you need to be honest with your friend but think long and hard before saying words, remember you can't take back what is said but you can erase it from paper before saying it.

Good luck with your surgery

Navi · 01-08-2008, 06:44 PM

Well, I'm bisexual too and I think it's a little bit of everything that's probably bothering him.

Maybe he does cause drama for himself (and if his roommates are really that bad to him, why doesn't he move?)...But at the same time, I'm sure there's a whole level of drama from others that bisexual people don't necessarily see. Bisexuals do have a choice, in a sense - you can date the opposite gender if you want to, and from what I've seen of your posts, you do. Have you dated women before? What kind of comments do people make to you about it? Gay people obviously don't get that choice and it must hurt a lot worse to get comments about their sexuality.

If he's doing things that really bother you, then cut him loose! But if you're really trying to be his friend, it might be wise to really put yourself in his shoes and see if you can still justify his roommates' behavior.

ttara123 · 01-08-2008, 07:02 PM

Wait, so they watched a gay sex scene and everyone was ok, but then when there was a straight sex scene he expected to fast forward through it? I think it's unreasonable of him to expect everyone to let him fast forward through straight sex in a movie that everyone is watching! He can't be mad at other people for being uncomfortable with his sexuality if he's not comfortable with theirs (straight) IMO!

Anyway, I know it may be harder because he is your best friend, but when my really dramatic friends get weird, I just ignore them. I let them rant for however long they need to, then I say "that must be tough" and I move on. And yeah, it pisses them off sometimes. But what am I going to do? I can't waste all my time trying to make them feel better if they're just going to immediately find something else to ***** about to get my sympathies again. It's a waste of everyone's time.

utgrrl82 · 01-08-2008, 07:07 PM

Navi -

I have done that. His roomates on occasion have made comments but he has made comments as well. So its not just them, and its not just him. When he talks about his relationships with him and other men, they sit there and listen. When they talk about theirs, he freaks.

And with like the movie.. its a perfect example. They watched the gay sex scene and they did have anything bad to say about it. But when it came to the straight scene, he felt the need to forward through it.

It seems though he feels like he is allowed to make comments and do things such as above, yet when someone else does it... he takes personal offense. It seems as though he can dish it but he cant take it.

And yes I know know what he is going through and yes I have dated women before. So I know the things people say. I know how some view us. I know the reactions of some people. I know what he has gone through. The difference between us though... when he is driving and someone gets on his butt... he sees that is "The person saw my pride bumper sticker and ever since then have been riding my tail." Not because some people when driving do that. Nothing against him.. just that is the way it is. On occasion I have done that without intending to. If someone like me ex doesnt like him, he feels it is because of his lifestyle. When my ex did not like him because when they met, he was making fun of guys who play football in high school and my ex did. My friend was being rude and that is why my ex didnt like him. So you can see with above and with this... most things he takes personally when it has nothing to do with the fact that he is gay.

I know sometimes he has a valid reason to be upset. But he finds every reason to be upset... even if nothing was said or done to him.

So I will have a heart to heart with him. I know it will hurt him and he may not like what I have to say.. but I know I need to.