Losing My Mind! So depressed about Babies, Life, and Myself

JenniferTX · 10-04-2003, 08:43 AM

This is my first post, but i've been lurking for awhile now. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm a mess. I've been very depressed because of not being able to get pregnant. Well meaning people offer words of support, or I'll hear be happy you already have one, but I don't feel happy. Tonight we went out to eat dinner, and this couple had a new baby, maybe a week old. They sat down in front of us, and the baby started getting fussy. I couldn't keep my eyes off this child. It looked so much like my daughter when she was born, that it was painful. I don't know why, but I started crying, and before i could get up to excuse my self, i was sobbing so loud everyone was looking at me. I couldn't stop. Hubby took me home, and i went to bed and could not stop crying. this Jan it will be three years of trying, and I just feel exhausted. Having another baby has become an obbession with me. My husband is supportive, but he thinks that I'll get pregnant eventually. ( He refuses to think the drugs may not work) I know that he wants another child also, but he dosen't seem to care that it's taking so long. My life is completely falling apart. I stay up all night on the internet, researching infertility and PCOS. If not that, I'm always up doing something untill 3 or 4 in the morning. Then I sleep untill noon. Thank god my hubby is there to take care of our daughter in the mornings. The days i pee on the stick are the worst. Another month gone. I go back on clomid in november, but it hasn't worked in the past. I just want to crawl in a hole. Why is my body doing this too me? I'm afraid to go on any antideppresants because the last time i was on paxil i flipped out and tried to kill myself. Apparently thats a side effect the doctor didn't discuss with me. I just feel like i want to crawl in dark hole and not come out. God i hate myself! I hate that I'm having this pity party. I hate that I'm not being the mom my daughter deserves, and yet i so desperately want another baby. My poor husband has a F**ked up wife, who dosen't cook or clean, i just exist. Even when i take a break, i can't seem to take one. I still take a test each month, just to see if it might have happened. Why? Why is this such an obsession for me? How do I stop this? I'm so sorry if you read all this, i just don't know what to do anymore.

Annaw · 10-04-2003, 09:14 AM

When I read your post it was like reading about ME 1.5 years ago. I too stayed up all hours researching, got upset over every baby I saw, felt like a complete wreck. I got very depressed and stopped cleaning, cooking, and even making myself "presentable" everyday was a challenge. I felt like a horrible emotional wreck of a wife. I felt even worse because I was supposedly a homemaker and yet my sweet husband would work all day and then come home and care for me.

Things are different for me now luckily. We "took a break" from the TTC and I went to counseling and got on antidepressants. I found projects I enjoyed doing like crafts and writing. I then began to research other options to become a parent. We took several classes on adoption and eventually decided we'd like to try foster care. We'll be licensed for that in week or so. Now I feel I have a purpose. Our house is almost spotless most of the time,
I learned to enjoy cooking (but we also eat out a lot, we might as well enjoy it BEFORE we have children!). I also sleep nights instead of days most the time which also helps me FEEL better. I look and feel so much better!

We are back to TTC and awaiting foster care licensing. This time around I feel so much more relaxed and calm about it. Not to say I don't have my bad days, but they are few and far between. I realized if I'm going to be a decent mom when my time comes then I need to prepare me physically, emotionally, and for me- spiratually. BABIES DON'T SOLVE EVERYTHING. Sure they are sweet and cute, but you've got to take time for YOU first.

I'd like you to consider something, why don't you take 3 months and put away the charts and thermometers,your testing sticks, and cancel the internet (or have hubby put a temp password on it) so you can get to sleeping better hours and won't be drawn to the computer, and take some time to figure out what you'd have to be doing to take care and heal yourself. Then, take an additional 3 months and while you continue to work on yourself research other options of bringing children into your family (No I'm not telling you to 'just adopt') Just know your options. I know I would have never considered adoption when I first started to TTC but I after studying it I no longer have the fears of it and definetly consider an option for my first or subsequent children. Knowledge is power and besides, you can better see the big picture when you are farther away from it all.

At the end of the time get a game plan on how to stay emotionally healthy while preparing to add another little one to your family in whichever way you have decided. It will be so worth it to do this for yourself, and so worth it for your family!

I hope some of this advice will give you some ideas! Good luck to you!!

ps- Celexa and lexapro are antidepressants you should DEFINETLY consider. Especially Lexapro has very few side effects.

Lendi · 10-05-2003, 11:24 AM

I just wanted to add a hug of support and peaceful vibes. Please, don't allow one anti-depressant to keep you from seeking help. There are many, many other types and one of them might just be the thing. Annaw had some good ideas, too. But, if none of them, or med is an avenue you're comfortable with exploring, we will be here for you. I pray for your peace. Lendi

taah · 10-05-2003, 06:59 PM

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I do know how you feel as I have been TTC#1 for 11yrs. It has been a trying time and I have been at the point of not caring about anything but TTC. I did have to take a forced break when DH was deployed and honestly it was the best thing for me emotionally. I still have my bad days but I just take one day at a time.

I also would not let one bad time with meds stop you from trying others. It took several before I found one that worked for me without any side effects and Zoloft has been a live saver for me and my marriage.

I wish you all the best, I hope you can find some peace. I know its easier said than done. I agree that you need to find some crafts or something to help take your mind off TTC some.

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

daculadawg1 · 10-06-2003, 04:24 PM

hi, i feel the same way most of the time. i take lexapro and it helps some. i hope youll find the right drug for you. lol and hugs.
may god bless you.
linda m

Mommy2LittleBen · 10-06-2003, 11:53 PM

I feel this way the majority of the time - I cried at a high school football game cause a girl I use to babysit was pregnant after trying for two months!! I have no children except my fur baby that makes life better but it's just not the same. Pregnant women and babies ALWAYS make me cry - no matter where I am.

slhightower · 10-07-2003, 03:21 PM

I feel that way alot myself... most days I wish I could just stay home! Unfortuantely I work with the public everyday (10 stinking hours a day), and many of my customers are moms and pregos. It kills me everytime. I have to work so hard to keep my emotions in check at the office... but on the car ride home, the tears just come.

With regard to your DH, he sounds a lot like mine. Most of the time it feels like it's just not as important to him. Recently I found out that it kills him just as much, but he feels like he has to be strong because he knows that must be 1000 times harder for me.

My only advise is to hang in there. Definitely take time to pamper yourself. Maybe take up scrapbooking with your daughter. From what I understand when a second comes into the home it's harder to stay on top of that kind of stuff (I don't really know though... we are still TTC #1).

Sending big ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) and good vibes your direction!

mrsbolton · 10-07-2003, 04:45 PM

Jennifer, I know how you are feeling. My best friend got pregnant last month and she wasn't ttc and I have been for the longest. I cry at first but I didn't know if I was happy or mad. I get angry at myself and wonder what I did wrong in my life. I have been with my fiance for almost 9yrs and have yet to conceive. He has kids from a previous relationship and I see how good he is with them and I want so much to have that with him. I can't do anything but think about ttc. Friends and loved one are always telling me that I should have some kids of my own, but I don't tell them my problems or anything. I just laugh and say yeah I will.

So lol and (((((Hugs)))))) to you.

Dx 03/03
Met 1000mg/day
Clomid 150mg last cycle 1wk ago
Maybe Oing now the way I feel in that area!!!!!
TTC#1
Cysts removed 1999/both Os

JenniferTX · 10-08-2003, 04:48 AM

I just wanted to say thank you to all that responded. I know ttc is hard, but the night i freaked out in the restaraunt was awful. Sometimes i feel so selfish for wanting another baby so badly, and what i'm doing to myself and family. I guess i'm lucky to have a husband that is so understanding and good to me. I also thank god every day I have my daughter. Sometimes i feel so out of control that I can't plan my life like I want it. But this week has been better. Thank you all for the kind words of support.

Asagao · 10-17-2003, 08:26 AM

Hi,
I am also in tears almost everynight now. I so don't know what to do. The thing is our infertility center is in a 3 hours ride, we have to take the day off for going there, and it is really affecting my work and relations with my boss. Somtimes I say, waht the heck, the baby is the most important thing for me. But then I think, what if I do not get pregnant, I will be without even a carrier, I'll be a complete looser (I am a looser laready as I cannot conceive). So there are days I just don't know what to do? Stay at work or start a new cycle. And when I ask the opinion of my DH, he says :"I don't know, it's your thing!". Then I go mad, because I want him to say that he also wants a child as bad as I do, that he wants us to go, etc. I feel he does not care about this. He does not want to inform about PCOS, I am the one who has to take all the decisions. I told hem that it is being very difficult for me, can he please help me, at least by saying his opinion etc. But his opinion is always changing depending on my mood

. Today if I say that I don't want a child, he will say "OK, lets not have it". This hurts too much, I do not know why, but it really does. I am all alone, I feel really bad somedays, he just does not understand. I want him to listen, and to come with a suggestion, to show that he thinks about that as much as i do. But, no. At work I only think about treatment options and babies, my life became PCOS and getting pregnant. Most of the time I am trying to act normal even if I don't feel normal. And somedays I just need support, I feel blue, I tell him about my feelings, he does not say a word, i get sad, he get crazy, I start to cry, he just leaves me there and watch TV, or read books. How can he leave me in that statem and how can he read his book? In thise times I fell so sad that I want to kill myself. I feel so desperate, I fell like he just does not care, I am all alone. I try to talk, but then I sound so demanding may be -I don't know- everything get worse. The best thing is not to talk about it and act normal. But, like today it is soo difficult sometimes. I'll loose my job because of those injectables sessions, I will be left with nothing. I do not care too much about it, but then, I'll be left all alone in the house. He works long hours, almost everynight on a meeting and weekends also. I am also asking him to inscribe us to the adoption list, and he just not do it. When I confront him at the dinner table, he just says that he did not have time, he'll do it tomorrow. It has been months. And I soo want to have a child!
I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want. I guess I want him to give first priority to having a baby. And he just does not. He says he does...
Anyway, I just wanted to get it out...Thanks for reading.

irishstjean · 10-17-2003, 10:37 AM

It only seems to help a little to know you are not alone, but for what it's worth, you're not. I have a 5 year old son who is wonderful and I realize in retrospect what a miracle he was - conceived naturally at one of the darkest times of our marriage (up until that point). I have battled depression for 8 years and had it beaten with the help of Prozac and a top-notch therapist but infertility and my inability to lose weight are the 2 things that retain the power to bring me back down.

Jennifer, sweetie, I feel for you because I feel the same way. My friends are old enough now that many are trying NOT to conceive - making their hubbies have vasectomies...I realize intellectually that it is not their fault that it's easy for them and hard for me, but God does it hurt when they are "accidentally" pregnant yet again and worse still, ambivalent about having another child at all.

I recognize your desperation. I too am up far too late reading very kernel of info in hopes that something might help. I go through test sticks of all kinds like there is no tomorrow. Despite knowing that in many cases I couldn't possibly be PG, I test anyway, repeatedly, and then go through the devastation of getting negative results, made worse by my own shame over having brought it on myself by testing when I shouldn't. Compulsive testing is a behavior that we create because we thing it will relieve our anxiety but it actually backfires and creates more anxiety.

I feel stupid, incomplete and unworthy. I feel like a bad mother for not providing a sibling for my child. I know it makes no sense, but I feel that way anyway. I have terrible guilt over not being able to create a happy family like the one I had with my parents and 2 brothers. I hate myself for resenting my sisters in law because I know that they will have no such problems.

On my better days (today not being one, as you can tell lol) I know that these are all normal feelings for the world I live in, but it doesn't make it feel any better to know that. It sounds to me, both as a nurse and as a fellow-sufferer, that you are experiencing a pretty debilitating depressive episode and need to see a doctor and therapist for your own safety and that of your daughter and husband, who need you desperately whether you feel important or not.

Paxil is a very tricky drug - my husband just came off it after a suicide attempt too. Please do not let that experience keep you from getting help!! Most of the other antidepressants DO NOT have those problems and are exptremely helpful for the symptoms you are describing. Prozac was a lifesaver for me and I went safely through my pregnancy on it with no problems whatsoever for my son (I didn't have to feel guilty for possibly hurting my child due to my own weaknesses). You sound as if you are at a breaking point and I wish I could just give you a hug. Please get help! You can feel SO much better than you do now!

Feel free to email me, I'd be happy to share some of my experience with you if it will help - irishstjean@yahoo.com

Please be careful and try to love yourself
I'll keep you in my prayers
Jen R.N.

Tinkiecat · 10-24-2003, 02:46 PM

I know just how you feel. I have an almost 4 year old son and for a little over 2 years now I have been obsessed with having another baby. He was conceived naturally after four years without protection and is truly a miracle, but I feel awful that he may never have a brother or sister.I feel like all my friends are pg, and now my sister just started ttc. Plus I found out today just before an IUI that my husbands SA showed NO sperm so I am feeling really depressed today. I just cant believe this is happening. Every time I think things will work something else happens. I feel bad like I am not being totally there for my son because of what I am going through. I too lose it when I see babies or pg women and nearly pushed my best friend out of my life recently because she is having her second and her first is younger than my son.Sometimes I think I should just accept this as the way it is meant to be, but I just cant give up hope yet. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and I hope you feel better. Good luck to you!
Jen

nylon · 11-13-2003, 10:01 AM

Jennifer,

you're not alone there! Your post actually justified my feelings, too. Thank you for that.

I can see there are many others like myself, with one natural DD/DS and then suddenly, like out of the blue, all these infertility issues pop up everywhere, in the ovaries, in the tubes, in DH's sperm, in thyroid.... There are so many zillion why -questions and angry arguments to God (who else...?) over the constant failures. Yet I must say I'm next to atheistic at this point!!

I realize I have been depressed for much longer than I thought. I thought this actually hit me after testing positive ~a month ago, but no, I've been depressed since the first months we started TTC#2, for about 2yrs.

I just posted a topic "blues over IVF/FET" - for me the depression is not over. I've come to the conclusion that the infertility issues are even harder to accept when there was no problems with #1.
Also most mama's and friends who have a child around our DD's age, have already got their #2s and one already expects #3! No-one of them has any problems. Naturally.

Strength, everyone,

Nylon

oohmercyme · 11-30-2003, 01:16 AM

Over the past few months, despite increased PCOS problems, I have been doing fairly well with my depression (I take 30mg Paxil and exercise more and eat better, all this helped).

Two days ago I had surgery (hysteroscopy, endo biopsy, polypectomy, and d&c) and I was feeling pretty good that the whole thing went well. Today I feel like crap- I feel so alone, I am so frustrated by my life. This is NOT where I thought I would be at 31. I thought I'd be married and have a ton of kids by now. Not only am I not married or have kids, I am not TTC (heck Ive never even had sex!), and I have no boyfriend prospects anywhere near me.

I feel like my time for kids is running out so quickly (not that I am old) and reading the ttc stories on here sometimes rips my heart out (I avoid the ttc and mommy pages, but so many people have all their info in their sig line that I can't avoid it. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and so tired of being alone. I am dying to go on a huge binge, but so far have been able to refrain (though I have Dominos on speed dial

). From reading your above posts, I know you all know how it feels. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for a long time.

To top it all off, I ran out of sick days months ago and to take off time for the surgery, I only get part of my pay (I guess I can be thankful I get something!), I am the only one who supports me and things are already tight financially. The thing I love to do most in my life is be with my niece (who sadly is way out in California) and now I can't swing a ticket there. And when I am there, I take care of her morning till night and give her folks a break, I think it would completely break my heart to see her now, even though I love her so much- maybe too much.

jlucy · 12-25-2003, 03:37 PM

I just want to say that not being able to concieve does not make you a loser (like asagao said). I hope this doesn't get taken the wrong way, but it's all in your perspective. I'd have a nervous breakdown if I DID get pregnant. I might be infertile but I'll never know unless I try. However, you really never do know. My boyfriend's ex was told she'd never have kids and now she has two. If it's meant to be it will be and there is not point in beating yourself up over something you cannot control.