At a loss

CO14888 · 06-14-2006, 01:33 AM

I have never been on this site before, but I see my girlfriend uses it all the time for support, so I thought I would give it a try.

I am currently living with my girlfriend who has PCOS. Things have been going great up until 2 weeks ago when we had a minor argument over money. Now the past has been brought up. She has told me that I am not supportive enough, I am verbally and emotionally abusive, and until I get it under control, she will not commit to anything, but herself. She has totally shut off from me and I can't seem to get her back. I have taken the steps to talk to someone about my anger and ways to be more supportive. My problem is that as much as I know I have a problem, there is always two sides to a relationship and both people have to take responsibility. Without sounding unsupportive and insensitive, how can I make her realize that she needs some help too?

Often she will say how she needs to pull her socks up and get her butt in gear to lose weight in order to control her PCOS, but not once has she taken the initiative to do it. It is like she is waiting for me to take her by the hand. As supportive as I need to be, I can only do so much before she has to do things on her own. Everytime I make suggestions, she makes excuses as to why she cannot do the things I suggest. So I give up and then i am not supportive enough.

I love her very much and want to help, but she needs to figure out what needs to be done before I can help her.

What more can I do?

Aaron

sleepydumpling · 06-14-2006, 02:03 AM

Aaron the fact that you're willing to try to do something, instead of lumping it all on her shows that you do care and that you do want to help, so long as you're helping together, which is fair enough.

Have you considered going for some counselling together? To both talk about what you need in your relationship and what you can do to help each other. What she needs from you and what you need from her. It's not saying that anyone is wrong - it's just opening the lines of communication between the two of you. Everyone needs to learn to communicate effectively, it's not something we're born with.

Best of luck Aaron, and you can always talk to folks here.

Kath

snfr02chic · 06-14-2006, 02:56 AM

I understand there are 2 sides to each story, but from what you are saying I would like to pay you on your back! My fiance and I get along great, but when it comes to PCOS his answer for everything is call your Dr. I have asked him to get on this site to try to understand and he doesn't do it...so by you getting on here and asking for help is the first step to supporting her!

My suggestion would be, to do some research about PCOS and surprise her with your information. Let her know that you care enough to research it and understand to the best of your ability what she is going through...good luck with it!

Fyn_Hubby · 06-14-2006, 04:10 AM

I do commend you on coming here and seeking out advice for helping her out, bud. There's a lot of cysters here who don't have guys in their lives that will do much of anything at all to help, so you're definitely a step above many others.

Weight loss is an extremely hard thing for a LOT of people to get started on, and even harder still to stick with it. The fact that she's also got PCOS on top of the weight, means that she's most likely very overwhelmed with everything that's going on and everything that she needs to do, and the mere thought of going on a diet or doing exercise exhausts her.

You may very well need to take her by the hand here and lead her along the path. Just like you said, both sides need to contribute to the relationship. At the same time, both sides have to help one another. By you helping her with diet and exercise (even if you don't really need it), her mood is going to improve, her confidence is going to increase, her feelings for you are going to strengthen, and your relationship is going to grow stronger. That's how she would be repaying you for the help that you can offer. Nobody wants to go on a diet alone, particularly if they're with a companion that isn't on one. Then they've got to watch you eat all the junk that they're dying for while they're eating the stuff that's good for them. Finding a weight loss program for both of you to go on (even if you don't need it) is the best way for you to tackle this particular issue. Go and join weight watchers, stick to the plan, do what you need to do to make it work, and encourage her to do the same. Whenever she wants to slip off plan, be there to pull her back. Is it alright to cheat every now and then and go have something that you're both craving? Of course it's alright, the weight watchers plan is set up to allow you to do that and still lose weight.

Frustration is likely to be a big part of your life if your partner has PCOS, that's just the way it is. But it can be a tremendous blessing in your life if you strive to help her with the struggles she faces, and to give her the support that she needs while she faces it. By showing her that much love and support, you're set for an amazing relationship. Frustrating and hard at times, to be sure. But one that will fill your life more fully than a "simple" marriage without such problems.

You're going to have disagreements, you're going to have misunderstandings, you're going to have several times that it's probably going to suck. But that's part of life itself. It doesn't matter who you're with, or not with, life's going to suck at times. But who you're with, and how well you support eachother, and how strongly you love eachother, is what's going to determine whether those things get in the way of your relationship, or if they're going to strengthen it.

I would most definitely encourage you to stick with this relationship with her, and do all that you can to help her. Talk to her, let her know how you feel, ask her questions that you don't have answers to, ask the girls here that can give you more insight on any number of subjects, and push forward together. The more help that she feels she's receiving, the better she's going to feel, and the better you're going to feel, the more both of you are going to get out of this relationship, I can promise you.

CO14888 · 06-14-2006, 03:02 PM

I will be the first one to say that I want to keep the relationship alive, but ultimately, it takes two. I have been away on training for six weeks, and because of the time factor and distance away, it has not been feasible to go home on weekends. Now, because of the argument we had 2 weeks ago and my absence, she called me up and suggested I move out. Right away I said no of course. She told me she had to work on herself before she could commit to anymore. Meanwhile we have been together for 2 yrs. My response was that she should have been focusing on herself through the whole relationship and everything else will come with time. What I am getting at here is that she has totally shut off towards me, wants me to move out, but still wants the relationship. Of course, I do not want to leave. I think a combination between me being away for so long, her being lonely, and the stresses of life during this time are all large factors, but now the past has been broguht up from me not taking the garbage out to speaking my my mind when I didn't like what she has said. I realized this was going to be tough when I signed up for it, but again it has to go both ways. I have researched PCOS and she does have books that I have read, but it doesn't explain how to deal with her, it just explains PCOS.

Aaron

sleepydumpling · 06-15-2006, 09:09 AM

Aaron, you shouldn't have to "deal" with anyone. No two women are the same, no two women handle their PCOS the same. So there's no text book on how to help a woman cope with her diagnosis and management of her health.

Talking WITH her (that means both of you communicating - not just one talking while the other listens) is the only way to work out what you each need from your relationship.

AmericanWoman · 06-22-2006, 08:59 PM

I know what it is like to have somebody shut you out; and there is nothing you can do. You can not control her.

All you can do is give her the space she needs and love her unconditionally. Learning to love like that is hard, especially when somebody keeps on shutting you out. It is though a good lesson on love and will always be something that helps you grow on your journey in this life.

That said, try to do what is best for her. Try to back off and stop getting on her back (if you are). Try instead to be a positive influence in her life. Coming in here is a very loving thing to do for her...and also a wealth of informaiton for yourself.

This board has been a life-saver for me since I think 2001 or maybe before (?)...I learned what I needed and have lost over 50 lbs. I intend to keep going due to health reasons. There should not be love restriction on weight. Respect should always be there regardless of what a woman weighs (or man for that matter).

I wish you guys the best. I really mean that. Now go out there and be the man God wants you to be! Think positive and put positive action out there.

CO14888 · 07-07-2006, 06:04 AM

Well, I got home from my training after being away for 6 weeks. I have been home for 3 weeks now. The first 2 weeks were alright. But my girl friend seemed to be drifting away. Last weekend, she suggested going camping together, even thoguh I had to work. I was looking forward to it. At the last minute, she said that she didn't want to go, but I understood as I was working and all. The past week, she has been more and more distant, and I finally asked her what was going on. The past came up and she said that I have hurt her so much by not supporting her, being emotionally abusive towards her, and she felt that I don't trust her. Now, I admit, I have done and said some pretty mean things in the past and have taken responsibility for my actions and am by no means proud of them. I am trying to rectify my problems. Up until now, though we haven't dealt with them. I am now seeing a counsellor, she is talking to a counsellor as well. But from what she says, it is too late. Her counsellor has told her to get out of the relationship. She says she needs to focus on herself and I need to do the same. I say we need to focus on ourselves, but need each other at the same time. She wants me to move out. I want to work it out. She says that she needs space to work on her problems. She says we will stay in touch and from there who knows. I am afraid of losing her. She means everything to me. I know I can't take back the past. Just for the record, I have not beaten her at all. I have said mean things and have thrown the phone at the wall a few times. She has wanted to leave and I stopped her because I was afraid she was leaving me. No excuse I know, and I wish none of it happened. All I want is to gain back her trust, no moatter how long it will take because I love her. It is funny how the smallest communication problem creates such a large problem that might be life changing. She says I am not the marrying material she thought I was. Understandably so, but I want to gain that back. She says she loves me still, but is very closed off. I don't know what to do. All I want is for her to love me the way she used to. Please don't judge me for my actions, I have already beaten myself up for my own stupidity. What can i do?

Thanks,

Aaron

kelliet · 07-07-2006, 10:41 AM

It takes a lot to admit that you have done the wrong thing and for that I commend you. Its also hard when you see someone you love slipping away from you and you feel powerless to stop it. Do you think that if you spent sometime living apart but still spent time together the breathing space could help? If things continue the way they are will it help the situation or make it worse? Maybe respecting your girlfriends decision is the only way you can keep her even if its not the way you want it. You cant regain her trust if you dont listen to her and respect her choice, in the end it will only push her further away.

Goodluck to you

Kellie

vancouverNicole · 07-07-2006, 06:17 PM

Hi Aaron!
In responce to your last post, have you asked your girlfriend what you CAN do to make things better? Like, is there anything?
Sometimes it takes someone coming up with concrete actions that would lead to trusting again, for them to see that they are setting up an impossible goal for thier partner. On the other hand, she might have in mind exactly what she needs from you, which I guess lets you know exactly what to do.

CO14888 · 07-07-2006, 08:10 PM

I have asked my girfriend what I could do to make things better. All she has said is that I will have to respect her decision to focus on herself away from me. I do respect that. At the same time all I am hearing is that she doesn't want to be with me. I know I deserve the rejection that I am receiving, but feel totally lost. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. Everything that we have together emotionally will be split and I don't like the thought of it. In my opinion, what we have is great. Of course, with many issues that need to be dealt with. We are just getting to the core of the problem and now we are walking away. I think we should work out the problems and I need to gain her trust and love back. By seeing a counsellor and trying to iron things out, we can at least say we did everything we had to do. After that, if it doesn't work out, there will be no regrets. Until now, we haven't dealt with the problems at hand, we have just avoided them.

Thanks for all the advice.

Aaron

R0xyg4l · 08-01-2006, 07:49 AM

Aaron, I hope things are going well for you. It takes a lot of bravery to come here for help and I think it's wonderful you did!

One of your previous comments about the weight... that maybe she's looking you to take her by the hand. I hear that a TON from men. I've heard it from my husband and from my sister in law's BF too. I guess what were looking for is just a little overall support. I know it means a lot for me that my DH tries to eat right meals with me even if he doesn't need to lose weight or asks me about my progress. And my #1 is know the boundries of whats being encouraging and whats being rude. I tell my DH to help keep me accountable but then when I really want something sometimes he gets overly upset... to the point that I want to do it just like a little kid wants to rebel from their parent. I know there is a thin line when it comes to this subject. I hope that you've spoken with your GF and that everything is going well. Your obviously willing to owe up to your mistakes and change for the better. It does take two, I wish you the best of luck!

davilara · 08-01-2006, 08:55 AM

Hi Aaron,

I too think that it's very commendable(SP?) that you're taking responsibility for your past actions and I think you're doing the right thing by getting help for your anger.

As the other ladies have said... As hard as it is, I think you need to respect her decision and give her space and continue to work on yourself. I think that if you reapect her decision while continuing to work on yourself and letting her know that you'll be waiting for her, she might see that you're working very hard to change and make things work.

I think right now the more you push, the more she's going to pull away. So let her work it out at her own pace. It seems like you may be trying to fix the situation - Sometimes there are no quick and easy fixes, sometimes it just takes time.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted and let us know if we can be of any help.

GothicCyster · 08-01-2006, 09:00 PM

hey there CO...its great that you admitted to your faults. and what im gonna say now mite seem harsh but it may help...
the thing is...if she has been hurt by something you did, its hard to get those things out of your mind. it gets to a point where, even if they dont say anything mean, you constantly feel youre being judged if someone says something mean to u one time a year ago, and then it reflects how the whole world looks at you. or at least i feel that way. if someone's mean to me, even if they dont MEAN it, then i feel like everyone else sees me that way and just cant say it. and i figure everyone means what they say in moments of anger, it just so happens that it comes out when ure angry cos u lose control.

i know you feel bad and everything but maybe it would be the best thing for her to move on herself bcuz altho ure trying to change and have apologised, sad to say it but sometimes its just simply not good enough. bcuz ive had people who i love dearly but have said nasty things to me or done things to really hurt me, and i still cant get past it.
the best thing is to wait and keep in touch w/ her but dont push any relationship to go somewhere when she doesnt want it to bcuz she has to regain your trust and know that u support her. so let her know that ure supporting her as a friend...and let her know that ure not trying to get anything out of it if that makes sense...ure not just PRETENDING to be a nice guy just so that you can get her back and repeat the same things in the past. so just give her time & space & if its meant to be it will happen.

CO14888 · 08-01-2006, 09:01 PM

Well, first of all, thank you all for the support and understanding that has been given to me. I know it is very easy to do the total opposite and judge people on the bad things that they have done.

Things have been getting better with myself and my girlfriend. It is still rough and I know it is going to take time. We sat down and talked quite a bit about the things that are affecting our relationship. We have a long way to go, but we are taking it day by day. It is hard. One day things are great, then the next day, I wonder if I have done something wrong, because she is not talking to me, but I understand and just let her do her own thing. I have noticed a change in myself and the counsellor is helping me. My girlfriend has mentioned that it is like day and night or from one extreme to the other. I think that is a good thing, but understand what she is saying. Why couldn't I have been this way from the start? But, like everything, it is never too late to change. Hopefully things continue to get better so we can be a couple that we should be.

Thanks Again!!

Aaron