Loss of innocence after MC

aimye · 03-02-2005, 11:47 PM

This might be a crazy thought or feeling...

Ever since I had my MC I feel like I have become jaded and feel a sense of innocence has been taken away from me. Almost like the feeling you had when you found out the tooth fairy was your parents. I feel like I am at an in between stage. Like when you I was little girl and got your first period, I wanted so much to be a grownup, but still play with my dolls.

I am not a pregnant woman and I am not a mother. I am not what I was before, I am an empty shell.

just my ramdom thought for the day.....

angelzmom · 03-03-2005, 12:46 AM

Bluebabeydiva

I know just how you feel about losing your innocence. I have had 2 losses between 9-12 weeks and a full term stillborn. We have lost the ablility to have a "normal" pregnancy, we will always have the "what if's..."

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And send some ((((((hugs))))))

Kath

GabrielsMom · 03-03-2005, 12:58 AM

You put it so perfectly... exactly the way I've been feeling. The world isn't right anymore. It's like it has lost several shades of brightness.

You aren't alone.

VivC · 03-03-2005, 01:03 AM

Since Rivi died, that's exactly how I've been feeling. I'll never have a totally happy pregnancy - we were all robbed. This didn't turn out as I expected, so I'm very disappointed in the world/God/fate/whatever.

aimye · 03-03-2005, 11:01 AM

Hugs and prayers to all of you. It is so nice to hear someone understands how I feel. Thank you.

saluki_fan · 03-03-2005, 11:44 AM

You are SO on the money with describing your feelings.

I feel so jaded and cynical after my losses. (Actually, I was somewhat cynical beforehand, but now I'm REALLY cynical.) Like I'm watching myself function - barely - from somewhere else.

SheriKCMO · 03-03-2005, 03:20 PM

These feelings are so real!! Lately, I think I'm beyond them, though you never know when stuff creeps back in in some form.

Yes, we will never have that innocent assumption that a BFP will turn into a healthy newborn baby we get to raise. That is awful. For months after my daughter's death, I looked at every pregnant woman as if she was on the verge of losing the baby immediately. My best friend was pregnant, and I was scared sh!tless for her. With the pregnancy I just finished, I felt a lot better after viability and then as the baby got old enough to do well if delivered and of course again at full term. Now that I've done it, I feel like I can believe in my body's abilities to some extent. I'll never think that there are any guarantees, though!! The whole thing is unfair and cruel.

I felt like an empty shell for several months. Give that one time. I'm glad to see that you are working on your health in the meantime, and best wishes with that!

And you ARE a mother.

Hugs to you,
Sheri

Tetley · 03-04-2005, 02:04 PM

I know exactly what you mean. You have put it so well.

I also felt that the scan which showed Connie was not going to live was my "Sliding Doors". Have you ever seen the film? It's not necessarily the huge decisions that can change your life - it could go in two completely different directions just because of a moment in time - a missed train, being two minutes later... For the first time in my life I'd been planning a future, and it was around having my daughter by the man I loved. I was really looking forward to that life but because of that scan - that particular moment in time - that route was taken from me and I was forced down a different one without them both. I have this feeling with me all the time now... like a shadow ... that everything is ... unsatisfactory. Spoiled. But if that moment in time had been different ....

Sorry if i've bummed anyone out.

Hugs to all from the UK.

Tetley XX

skyler · 03-05-2005, 03:03 AM

i have thought about this alot. so if we are not moms, but we are not NOT moms, what are we? it makes me feel better to think, just to my self, that i am a mom. just..............i will never get to do everything other moms do. i know i dont have much right to be in this forem, as my loss was WAY early, but i felt the need to post.

HollywoodMN · 03-05-2005, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SheriKCMO

And you ARE a mother.

Hugs to you,
Sheri

I totally agree. The second you see two pink lines, you are a mother. You are a mother because you feel they love as only a mother could, and worry about your baby that you lost just as much as if he/she/they were still right here with us.

saluki_fan · 03-05-2005, 12:30 PM

The minute those 2 pink lines show up, you have hopes and dreams for your child. You already have bonded with your child in that instant when you are the only person that knows about your pregnancy. We are moms to angels.

GabrielsMom · 03-05-2005, 12:45 PM

Quote:

i know i dont have much right to be in this forem, as my loss was WAY early, but i felt the need to post.

PLEASE don't feel that way. You have every right to be in this forum. Feel free to post all you want. I'm so so very sorry for your loss. It may have been early but it was real and it was painful.

*hugs*
Adrianne

stillhavehope · 03-06-2005, 12:11 PM

That is exactly how I am feeling.

The next time I get a bfp I won't go through a big deal to tell dh. I won't cook a fancy meal. I won't buy him a candy boquet with all of the candy themed for a daddy (sugar daddy, tootsie pop, junior mint). I won't buy a bib that says I love my daddy. I won't buy dh a special book about fatherhood. I will just show him the stick and hang on to each other for the next 9 months. I feel like I lost the specialness of being able to tell dh he is going to be a daddy.

I won't ever buy any maternity clothes again til I am showing b/c I just had to return 3 shirts. Who knows if I wll be pg in the summer with the next baby so I feel like it is a waste of $ to hang on to something I may not need.

I won't go into any baby super stores or specialty stores til I know the sex. I already looked at cribs/strollers/packnplays and picked out some really cute stuff. I walked all over these stores dreaming of using all of this stuff with my baby.

I won't journal in a "real" book til I am out of the 1st tri. I will just use notebook paper and transfer it in later if I can carry the next baby to term.

I won't sign up for any of those email updates on how your baby is growing. I just had to unsubscribe from 3 of them.

I won't get serial hcg/prog done so I think everything is going well and be lulled into a false sense of security. Next time I will start on progesterone the day I get my bfp if I have to drive to mexico and get it. I won't go to the dr til I am 12 weeks and have already seen the heartbeat and the baby grow with my own eyes. (I am a sono tech)

I feel like I have been robbed of so many things for any future pregnancies. How will it be special or joyful or exciting when I will be white knuckling each day??

Thanks for listening. My loss is pretty fresh.
Sherry

VivC · 03-07-2005, 06:26 PM

I'm sorry you have to be here. I like the "I won't" line, so I'll add to it.

I won't sign up for any free baby stuff. Crap is still showing up now that Rivi should be two months old.

I won't sign up for baby registries because I don't want to have to return things later.

I won't read "What to expect when you're expecting" because I don't CARE what feels normal - I'm going to the doctor for reassurance after every twinge/feeling/emotional breakdown.

I won't watch Make Room for Baby on Discovery because I may not make it far enough to do a nursery anyway.

I won't watch Special Delivery on Discovery because I'm afraid I'll see one of the episodes where everything goes to hell (like it did for me).

I won't buy any baby stuff until I'm 8 months along, and if the baby's a little early, s/he will just live in diapers and blankets for a few days (and I won't buy THEM, either - I'll use the ones I still have on hand for Rivi).

I won't tell the baby's father until I absolutely have to (not sure if it will be DH or not), because I will die if I ever have to tell a man that his baby is dying, hurry to the hospital NOW.

stillhavehope · 03-07-2005, 07:04 PM

Oh viv,
Thanks for adding to that. I wish none of us had to do this. I have followed your story for a long time and I get so much strength from reading your posts. Even though sometimes I know you don't feel it you are an inspiration to so many of us.

I forgot the one about Make Room for Baby. I set up my TIVO to record it each week and there was one on recently that I just erased w/o even watching it. It is too painful.

Sherry