I had posted a while ago about my friend Mary being in an abusive relatiobship and I was very uncertian as to what role I should play in her life.
I spoke to her mom last night and one thing led to another and I told Mary's mom everything I knew about her daughter and the abuse her daughter has been recieving for the past 2 years.
It's safe to say Mary now hates me and has cut me out of her life and I have already received nasty messages from her boyfriend.
It may not have been my place to interfere but who is the person supposed to be? Mary couldn't and wouldn't do it. Was I supposed to wait for her to end up beaten severely and in the
hospital or even worse dead?
No. I couldn't wait for those things to happen, I had to prevent the seemingly inevitable to happen. I was her only confidant so I know I betrayed her trust but it was for her safety and protection.
She told me she hates me and never wants to speak to me again, she told me that I am the worst friend. I know she's clealrly upset and rightfully can be, but it hurts so much. I still can decide if I did that right thing. Will she thank me a year from now or will she be even more brainwashed by this man?
I am so depressed.
Megan
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Firstly, I'd like to say that you are a wonderful friend for caring so much and worrying over her safety. At least you can now clear your conscience knowing that you tried to help in some way - even if it seems like she hates you for making that decision. I'd say that she is reacting like this because her bf is beating her severely for letting their 'secret' out. It is not uncommon for the abuser to take out their rage on their victims for telling others of their situation and the abuser is probably scared of getting caught and secondly for losing his power over the her.
If she ever gets out of that relationship, she will thank you for taking the time to care so much. I really hope she has the courage to leave him and seek help before it's too late.
Maybe there are other ways you could help her out - maybe contact a help line or an organnisation that specializes in domestic violence, but it is ultimately her decision regardless of all your good intentions and efforts.
All the best and I think you definitely did the right thing.
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain right now.
In time she will come around. In time she will walk away when she has had enough. It's so tragic that it has taken this long but she needs to continue to hear the outside message that this is wrong. It's like a mother having to step in and discipline a child. The child hates the mother at first but in time realizes that it was best.
Stay stong hon. In time I think she will come around. Keep us posted and remember we are here for you.
Love,
April
__________________ Me 35, DH 52. DSS 22, DD 15
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You are a very good friend. And, in Megan's heart she knows that. Stand tall and stay true to yourself. I know that was so hard, but you've done what you felt you needed to do. Better to have a friend that you don't get to spend time with because of anger than a friend who is dead because of anger. Let us know if you need to "talk". Lendi
__________________ It's ok to cry if you're sad. Tears are God's little safety valve.
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I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. You did the right thing. I believe that if she can find the strenght to get out of the relationship she will thank you in the end. She is just putting up a defensive wall. She maybe embarresed or ashamed that she is in this situation. Believe me you did the right thing. In her heart she still loves you. She may even be saying those things b/c that is what he wants her to do. Deep down she probably is already thanking you and hoping this will lead to some sort of solution. Her mind is not hers right now it is his.
hugs
de
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I agree, I think you did the right thing. By keeping her secret for her all you were doing was enabling her boyfriend to continue abusing her. She also may be taking her anger at her boyfriend out on you because she is unable to do so with him.
Unfortunately you can't force someone to leave a bad situation. Years ago a close friend of mine was in an abusive relationship. One night she called and said she wanted to get away so we went over in the middle of the night and moved her out of the apartment. Two weeks later she was back and didn't leave him for almost an entire year. Clearly she wasn't ready to leave yet, for whatever reason.
Maybe now that her mom knows she might be able to convince her to at least go to talk with a counselor who deals with domestic abuse.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad, it's difficult to see your friends in pain and then be in pain yourself because they won't talk to you. I think in time she will be grateful for what you did.
Megan,
I know first hand how hard it is to go through life without a friend to talk to. My so-called best friend decided last year that she didn't want to talk to me, for no particular reason. I always went beyond the call of friendship duty to please this girl! She didn't work and didn't have a car, so I would go to her house and take her places and bring her to my house for dinner. Pretty much, she was a tick, sucking the life out of me. Last spring we decided to schedule a trip to a local amusement park for three days. Just me, her and our DHs. It was scheduled for the end of the summer. I made the necessary reservations (since I was the only one with a credit card) and asked that she give me her half of the room by July (she is really unresponsible with money and I figured that I needed to get it ahead of time because of that reason). Well, in June, I went to her house to get a kitten that she was giving away and she didn't even mention the trip and acted like DH and I were intruding on her (even though all she was doing was laying on her butt watching TV). Well, to make a long story a little shorter, she never paid her half of the room nor did she even call me at all. By the beginning of August, I sent her a letter asking her if she still was going to go on the trip and I got nothing. Finally, as the time was getting a little closer, I cancelled the room so I wouldn't get charged a cancellation fee, and sent a postcard saying Trip is Cancelled. Still nothing from her! In late September, DH and I were driving by and saw that she moved out of her apartment! Didn't even call me to say, We are moving or anything! Found out later from her mom were she moved to.
She has PCOS too, but her dr started her on the most evasive of treatment first-surgery. She ended up losing an ovary. When I found out that I was pg, somehow she found out and emailed me. However, I know that she is has so much built up anger at me for getting pg instead of her. I didn't email her back.
Sorry for the long, long story! My point is that if your friend doesn't realize that you are just trying to be a friend and help her, then she doesn't deserve a friend like you! Don't let the loss of her bother you. She doesn't realize what she has lost in you and your support. You tried to help her out of a situation, only to be, pretty much, kicked away. Just wash your hands of her and go on with your life and if anything does happen to her, just remember that you tried and she back-lashed at your efforts to try to help her.
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Thanks everyone for your help. As this continues to go on I just seem to be gettin more depressed about it. I can't just "wash my hands of her", I really wish I could but I can't function that way. She is too big a part of my life and I miss her so much it makes me feel sick.
The worst part is that nothing even changed from me saying anything. So now she is just plain mad at me and no ONE will stand up for me. All of my friends have been like "well you DID tell her parents and we don't want to be involved" and I just want to be like 'SCREW YOU ALL, AT LEAST I LOVED HER ENOUGH TO TRY TO STOP IT!!!' I don't know, Mary won't respond to me at all.
I knew it was gonna be like this I guess I just didn't prepare myself well enough.
It's like she died, suddenly and I didn't get to say good-bye.
Megan
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sunstarmoon, You did love her enough to tell. I am sorry that she has not responded to you. You did the right thing. You tried to help. My guess is she still loves you but is just under his evil power. Its good that you cant wash your hands of her, keep believing in her. Keep trying to talk to her. If you know her boyfriends schedule then call her when you know he is not around. Becareful of what you say to her in case he is around. Keep trying I cant say it enough. She needs to know you still love her. Even is she is not responding right now. She still cares. I cant say whether or not she will come around. Hopefully she will.
I wish Icould help you. I know I already posted to this but I just wanted you to know that I care. I wanted to let you know what I thought.
You did the right thing
hugs
de
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Megan, BIG BIG HUGS. Please, know that you did all that you could and it was the right thing to do. I'm sorry for you pain. PM me if you need to "talk" anytime. Lendi
__________________ It's ok to cry if you're sad. Tears are God's little safety valve.
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I am very happy tonight. I just had a full conversation with Mary. She IM'ed me and I was really shocked. She told me she thinks she wants to take a break from Todd. I wasn't sure how to act, but all in all things were pretty normal. She said that Todd didn't do anything to make he feel this way and that there relationship is actually really great right now but she thinks that they are headed in different directions. That his life is sad and pathetic and basically if she wants to graduate on time she can't keep wasting away time with him. I don't know if this has anything to do with what I did or not. BUT I am one happy girl right now. I miss her so much and she said she missed me too. So I just wanted to let everyone know that I really appreciated your support. You all are amazing!
Megan
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__________________ Me 35, DH 52. DSS 22, DD 15
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Hysterectomy on Jan 17, 2006
Going back on Meds June 1st to treat PCOS symptoms though ovaries are gone. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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That is wonderful! However, not to be an ole stick in the mud, you need to be careful about YOUR feelings, too. I had a friend who always used me and I let her, though when she didn't need something or things wouldn't benefit her in anyway, she disappeared. Now that I am having a baby and she isn't (PCOS related problems), she is trying to pry her way back into my life, which I am not standing for. I had to battle a lot without her and I think I am better off without her.
Please be careful. I hope that your friend is nothing like my friend.
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yea!!!! I am so happy for you. I hope she stays strong and follows through with it. I lthink she iwll need you. She probably wont just up and leave. please carefully remind her that even though things are good now the abuse will start again. I am so happy for you.
hugs
de
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Hey.. I have a story for you, about me and a former best friend. I grew up with a girl and she kept trying to secretly kill herself....well not even try to kill herself... she would take like 8 tylenol at a time often, or do stupid stuff that couldn't actually kill her *probably* and tell me about how she wanted to die... she had started cutting her arms...doing wild stuff, and it wasn't like her, when we were in school. One day she told me after school she was going to do it---- and a real friend would never tell anyone, they'd let them rest in peace, and do waht they want. Well...honestly...screw that I thought..... I went to the school counsellor... who said she wouldn't tell on me but she did, not like the girl wouldn't know anyway. Anyway, I told her, Tosha is depressed and is continuously hurting herself, and she says shes going to kill herself now...her parents are getting a divorce and she's going through a lot..I'm a supportive friend, but I think she needs counseling with you, or more... anyway, she calle dher parents and my friend Tosha into her office....and they sent her to a psychiatrist or a psychologist right away elsewhere..and the person deemed that she was too unstable and would try to hurt herself from his evaluation..and him and his parents agreed to have her "locked up" for 14 days.. into a young persons suicide and depression center where she would meet other depressed peple, receive gropu and individual counselling and activities like all day and get medication...etc. This was NOT my decision to have her locked up, but I wouldn't disagree... anyway.. She absolutely HATED me..s he wouldn't speak to me for a year.. a nd slowly though we started talking as acquaintences...and we became best friends more than ever... we didn't talk about what happened for a long time, but a couple years later we did, and she says she'll never trust anyone again completely cuz of what I did to her and she holds me completley responsible, and that being locked up was hell...etc.... but she kept on being best friends with me. Of course I felt awful and apologized but she didn't care. I don't understand her.... but I think deep down she did forgive me but her pride just made her say that. But she's alive anyway.....that's all I have to say.... I can't promise you won't lose her as your friend.. but you may get her back... But you did the right thing.. seriously! Her mom has got to be the best person to tell... you know? Because she'll always have a connection with her mom , I'm sure she'll try and get her daughter help.... You made a decision, whats more important, her being mad at me, or her life? What kind of friend would you be... if you thought she was in danger, and you didn't? Trust is very important, but eveyr now and then, you just gotta do what you've gotta do. You are the only person she confided in... if you didn't no one else would...Congratulations, seriously.... you did the right thing. All you can do now, is tell the police and pray... and whenever you see her 'apologize' even though you know youre right. ALso.... the guy is obviously very dangerous, I'd seriously watch out.. he may try to harm you..
Lost my best friend 
