lost my son 22 weeks

Ceej · 07-14-2003, 07:15 PM

This is a really long story but from reading others I know I am not alone. Maybe someone will read this and not feel so alone. Maybe even writing it will help me.

I have had 2 miscarriages at 6 and 8 weeks which were very hard. I found out I was pregnant again on March 4th 2003, I have to admit I was not very positive about the outcome. This time I saw a new doctor who put me on Progesterone (I was 4 or 5 weeks at this time). I had cramps and called the doctor regularly afraid that something was wrong. I made it to my second trimester and the cramps and fears had pretty much all passed. with every month I became more and more sure everything was going to be fine and that I would have a healthy baby by October or November. i had never been happier in my life.
One day I was at work and I went to the bathroom and I had passed a ping pong ball sized thick mucus. I was shocked at first then I recalled my doctor telling me that I could expect an increase in discharge. I had never made it this far so I did not know this was really abnormal. I still had concerns over the next few days but things seemed to go back to normal and there was no more discharge which I considered to be a good sign.
One week later I was at work and I was making a lot of trips up and down stairs to deliver things which was not a normal thing in my job. I was feeling some pressure down low and when my baby moved it felt like I was being kicked very low and was kind of uncomfortable. I was sitting at my desk for a bit and stood up to get some papers from the printer and I got a leaking feeling which lasted a few seconds and was not a lot. I went back to my desk and decided it was time to call my doctor. I had hesitated because i had to convince myself that everything was going to fine this time.
My doctor told me not to be concerned but he wanted to see me as soon as possible. I was a little worried on the way but I still told myself that everything was going to fine because I basically had the rest of my life planned around this child.
At the doctors he checked my urine as usual and did an exam which was not so usual. I remember he was still joking with me up until he discovered everything was not alright. I was 2 cm dialated and he said my membranes were sticking out of my cervix but had not broken. He was very honest with and told me it did not look good. I was put on terbutiline (spelling??) which is a drug used for asthma but also is supposed to stop or prevent contractions (which I was not having yet). I was sent home on bedrest in hopes that things might slide back up and that I could be given a Cerclage to keep the baby inside long enough to deliver. I was 22 weeks exactly. I was told if I could make it to 24 weeks I would be sent to the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit at another hospital where the baby may actually have a chance.
I came home and went to bed, I was scared and prayed just let me make it a couple more weeks. I began getting what i thought were cramps the next day, that night they became pretty strong. The next day I called my doctor and told him I was getting cramps, he wanted to see me again. Again he examined me and told me I had dialated more and the membranes were farther out. He admitted me to the hospital to be put on IV drugs and to rest with my legs raised. I was given an ultrasound, I found out he was a little boy which they couldnt tell at my 19 week ultrasound.
Within hours I was in quite a bit of pain. He prescribed morphine and shots of Terbutiline to stop the contractions. Later that night they moved me to the labor and delivery room, I guess they knew it wasnt going to work. The nurses called my husband in. I remember the nurse turning off the monitor which showed my contractions and the babies heartrate. Up until then his little heart was beating 150-160 bpm which surprised everyone. I know that he was perfect, there was absolutly nothing wrong with him.
Time went pretty fast, I knew I was going to lose him, I was pretty out of it from the morphine and demeral shots.
I gave birth to our little boy at 2:52 on July 4th. he weighed 1lb1.9oz. and was 11.25 inches long. They took him away right after he came out. I got to hold him later. He was so tiny, so perfect. I am so glad for the short time I held him, my husband was afraid to hold him but asked him please to and he did. He is so glad now. He wanted a boy so bad, by the time he found out he was having one, he already knew he would probably lose him. I was still so out of it when they brought in the birth papers I asked my husband to name him, it didnt want him to be baby boy. My husband named him after both of out fathers... Curtis Manford. It has been 10 days now and I dont think a day will ever go by that i do not think of him and get a heavy sick feeling in my chest.
I dont know what I would do without my husband. He has been so strong for me while i know he is hurting. Everyone keeps asking how I am doing, like they forgot he lost his son too.

Carolyn

Vaughn · 07-14-2003, 07:22 PM

My heart is aching for you. I'm glad that you were able to tell your story and hope that you will find comfort and support here.

I'm glad you have such a great husband that can be your rock. I will keep both of you in my thoughts.

Vaughn

smileysal · 07-15-2003, 02:07 AM

I am so sorry. I lost my baby the same weekend also. I was only 9 weeks along and I am having a hard time. I can't even imagine your pain. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Sally

DavisSR · 07-15-2003, 10:16 AM

Carolyn, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you lost your precious baby boy. My husband has been my rock through all of this for me, I don't know what I would have done without him. You husband picked a wonderful name, I really like that. We are here for you anytime you need us.

Sheri

TACM · 07-15-2003, 10:47 AM

Carolyn:
I am so sorry your lost your baby boy. I lost my twin girls at 21 weeks in April due to an incompetent cervix. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Give yourself time to grieve. Also, my husband and I saw a grief counselor which really helped. You will be in a complete fog for a few weeks. I promise you, it does get easier. I still have bad days, especially now that I am getting closer to when my due date would have been. However, I seem to be having more good days. I am so sorry for your loss.

Traci

Ginla · 07-15-2003, 11:22 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost 3 babies during the 2nd trimester and I know how terrible it is. I too am so thankful for the time we had with our twins born at 21 weeks. Not exactly what we wanted, but at least we got to make loving memories.

It has been 6 weeks since I lost the twins and I still cry for them every day. I am so glad your husband has been so supportive, just don't forget he is hurting and needs attention also.

My thoughts are with you.

ImJenniferJ · 07-19-2003, 01:57 AM

Carolyn,
I was very saddened to read your story of Curtis. I spent 2 weeks upside down in the hospital & then gave birth to my twin sons at 24w3d--they too were perfect & healthy--just born too early & later died in my arms in the NICU. The pain never does go away but it does get back to a more "normal" life. I'm grateful for the time spent with my boys & its good that you & dh spent that precious time with your baby boy too.
I will pray that God gives you peace & comfort & blesses you with a baby very soon.
Take care of youselves
prayers & hugs
JJ

websissy · 07-21-2003, 10:07 PM

Carolyn:

My heart goes out to you and your DH for your loss. I can't imagine the grief you both must be feeling

While it was hard for me to read your story (as I'm currently 21.4 weeks PG), it is good for us to share - we can learn from each other and hopefully know the signs when something seems wrong.

Best wishes for your future.

MaLee · 07-23-2003, 04:19 AM

((((HUGS))))) I am so sorry for you and your DH.

Sarah in Louisiana · 07-23-2003, 03:10 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I wish I could say it gets easier, really I do, but I can't. I went through it in December after two earlier losses, and it has been the most horrible experience of my life.

Then a few weeks ago, my sister went into early labor with hers. and they couldn't stop it either. I've cried just as hard for her, as I did for us.

Only thing I can think is God must have a shortage of angels, for him to keep taking ours.