m/c and upcoming holidays

soonermama · 10-03-2007, 10:59 PM

I just miscarried my baby on Monday, so I'm probably not able to think clearly enough to even be considering this, but I can't help it.

My dh's family lives 1000 miles away, and so far we have been alternating years for Christmas with my family. This year is his family's turn. It was going to be iffy because I didn't think I could handle the drive while 20w pg. Now that we have lost our baby, I don't know that I'll be able to squirm out of it. Except that my sil is currently pg, 2 weeks ahead of us. How can I go and pretend to be happy and see her pg and know that I should be pg, too? We've been trying for over 3 years for this. They've been trying to get pg since their wedding last year, so I knew it was coming. I've been dreading having them be pg while we're still waiting. It's so INSANELY FRUSTRATING to see people announce their pg after we've been trying for so long, then watch their ENTIRE pregnancy, and then see their kids being born, and then seeing their kids turn 1, then 2, etc. The pain of infertility is so gd intense, and now I have that added devastation of a loss.

The holidays are so hard on me anyway, because it marks another year of no baby in sight. Last year was horrible, I can't imagine how bad this one will be.

sazzifrazz · 10-03-2007, 11:13 PM

aww, Im sorry about your loss. i didn't even know until i read this post. I hate being around my DH's family for the same reasons. One SIL had twins at the same time i had DS. she is currently TTC again. EVERYTHING we do they do...we got engaged, they did, we bought a condo, they did, we got a dog, they did, we started ttc, they did, we sold our condo for a house, they tried, we started ttc #2, they are also....grr, get your own life!!!!! Im just waiting for sil to announce her pregnancy...I don't know if I will be able to pretend im happy. I really hope thy tell DH over he phone, and he tell me himself. ok, enough about me...
Is there any way you can get out of it? I think you have a legit reason, how does DH feel about switching years?

sunshine071899 · 10-04-2007, 12:09 AM

I totally know how you feel. This whole thing just friggin SUCKS!!!

hela · 10-04-2007, 06:17 AM

I have to agree with sazzifrazz, can't you swap over years?
or just don't go

sometimes you need to put yourself first and not family, hard as that may be

I'm not looking forward to christmas at all either, I was due on the 12th dec.. my cousin is due on the 31st, the thought of seeing her so close to the end while my arms are empty is horrible

big hugs to you

helen xxxxxxxx

soonermama · 10-04-2007, 09:48 AM

I can suggest switching years, but mil will be devastated. She lost both her parents this year, and she was really counting on Christmas. The thing is, this is the sil who *knew* we'd been ttc for 3yrs, and *knew* we were doing our IUI, and yet still called us 5 minutes after we got home from the procedure to tell us she was pregnant. When I expressed my hurt to mil, and said it would have been better if they'd at least waited a day, she told me sil thought I'd be mad if they waited and assumed we'd want to know RIGHT away. And then sil proceeded to call not even two weeks later to find out if we knew anything, giving no thought to how we'd feel if it hadn't worked.

Don't you just love family?

SheriKCMO · 10-04-2007, 10:03 AM

The holidays are generally something to be coped with and just get through. It reminds me of really heavy rain when you have no umbrella and you put your head down and charge through.

I hope something works out for you! (((hugs))) I'm very sorry about your loss!

blondiefrommd · 10-04-2007, 12:20 PM

I definatley know what you mean here. I would be due in feb - my SIL and his cousin are both due in Feb and i will have to see them on Xmas. They both already have 3 kids each. They both knew i was pregnant and congratulated me - but when i had my miscarriage not one of them has said one thing to me since - its been all about them - am i supposed to go to Xmas and feel Happy about this. Neither one in my opinion are great mothers - one has kids be 3 different dads - and the other her house is like a disaster zone. It hurts me so bad to think they don't even care about our struggles and my feelings not to send a card - to say im sorry - or a kind word - NOTHING.. But i guess i go and put a smile on my face and pretend.

TechLady77 · 10-04-2007, 01:32 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post made me cry because I too am going to have a hard time with holidays. It's been over 3 weeks since my loss but I have not had the nerve to tell my family yet. How pathetic is that. I feel too ashamed. No one else in my family has any infertility or has ever had a m/c. I feel like they are going to think I'm sickly or broken. They live in other states so they haven't seen me to notice...

I completely emphathize with you on this. I don't feel like going anywhere either. I don't feel like having anyone over. We already had a vacation to Jamaica planned for the holidays and we were so looking forward to being 7mos pregnant and floating in the water and letting the baby enjoy his first trip to the islands. But now it's all changed. Every plan and dream and wish is gone. We have to start over, except now we have this hole in our hearts where the baby used to be.

It sounds like your MIL is also dealing with some holes and maybe you two can help heal eachother. It may not be as bad as you think. It might feel good to be around family and have that support. But I know, it's still hard to want to, when you just want to be alone.

saluki_fan · 10-04-2007, 01:50 PM

Soonermama - I am sorry for your loss. Can you tell MIL you can visit for New Year's instead of Christmas (so that the other family will have cleared out by then) or maybe the weekend BEFORE Christmas instead? Just say "something unplanned came up this year" (which is true - you didn't plan to lose your beautiful baby) and leave it at that. You don't owe anyone anything, except yourself. You have to watch out for yourself before anyone else.

Or have DH go with DS, and stay home and take care of yourself.

Tia38 · 10-04-2007, 03:10 PM

hugs.... ditto what saluki said -- can you make the visit at another time when there will be less family around?

i m/c mid-dec 2005, with sil due in january 2006. i did not make the overnight trip down to visit (with mil+fil in tow) that xmas. no one knew i was pg or about the m/c except dh. he was not the most supportive, but i just said i couldn't go.

we did go down in early feb (less than 2 months later) to meet our new niece. i was dreading it... truly... and it was not as bad as i thought. it was still very sad, but i got through it... and some parts were actually okay. but that was a baby, and not a pg woman.

do what you need to do. if you do go, stay in a hotel so you can get space when you need it.

and don't feel guilty, or at least try not to.

someone said it to me quite well... it's hard to be gracious when you yourself are in pain.

hugs,
-tia

lovepotato · 10-05-2007, 03:25 AM

I lost our first baby at 28 weeks on December 13, 2005. My sister gave birth to my niece the 20th. It was horrible. She was mad at me for not talking to her after she had her kid. She thought I was mad at her. Hello!! She got the pictures back just recently, and you could tell I was about to cry the whole time. I really wish I would have stayed home with DH. I just wanted everything to be normal, that's why we still did Christmas with everyone.

I agree with Saluki too. Another weekend our New Year's sounds like a good plan. What does your DH think?

soonermama · 10-05-2007, 09:56 AM

Thanks for all your replies and support, cysters. It's crazy, but I feel a little better knowing that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. I hate that others have to feel it, too, though. I had my first appt since the m/c yesterday, and I actually broke down in the office saying I couldn't make it through another set of holidays without being pregnant. THis will make year#4, and I can't stop obsessing about it.

About visiting later, my sil and mil only live about 20 minutes apart, so anytime we go down we'll have to see her. DH told me that we would do whatever we needed to do for the holidays, and if that meant staying home, then he's fine with that.

StormsDreams · 10-06-2007, 01:01 PM

Holidays.........man........they are either the best....or the worse.......
My first christmas without my son............i refused to hold any babies....someone tried to shove my 3 mth old GOD daughter in my arms (she was born two days before my son).....and I said NO!........i got the worse looks.....but i didnt give a damn.........
If there is one thing........one thing i learned after a loss.........Is how to treat the next person with a loss.........while those who havent had a loss at first feel bad and may know what to do........its those months after and those other moments that no one thinks about but the mother who had a loss....
Sooner! I hope the holidays are kind to you, i Hope you are kind to yourself....do not feel obligated to anyone, it will only make you feel worse in the end....