Major Depression with Psychotic Episodes...(self injury mentioned)

tanyasparks154 · 09-25-2004, 03:17 AM

That is my formal diagnoses. A big long name to say that I'm very, very depressed and screwed up!!! I'm currently not on any meds because they make me feel so horrible. Almost worse than I do without them. I almost got fired at my job last week because my depression has came back with full force. It just came to a head at work. So I came home and cut my stomach up...somthing I haven't done in almost a year. That makes me even more depressed knowing that I screwed that up too. Just needing support here.

Tanya

CocoRumGirl · 09-25-2004, 04:23 AM

Tanya, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it's scary to feel so bad that you feel the need to cut. I slipped and did it a few months ago myself, after a couple years of being cut free. Just know you're in my prayers, hon.

jlucy · 09-26-2004, 01:08 AM

I feel your pain. I can't say I"m doing that but lately I feel the urge to just hit myself and beat my head on the wall. One day I got so mad at my computer I actually did beat my head on the floor and gave myself a huge lump. I swear it's the hormones all messed up raging inside of me. I have a friend who was diagnosed with this and that and put on all kinds of meds and finally figured out she's stable just taking Lithium. How many meds have you tried? Maybe you just haven't found the right one. I hope you find peace.

PeacefulAngel · 09-26-2004, 09:42 AM

Tanya,

Sweetie, you're not going through this alone. Does Steve know about this? (not to be nosey...well maybe I am) Is there someone you can talk to? Maybe you could try a different medicine? I dont' mean to sound pushy or whatever, but you know I love you and I'm worried about you. I'm on vacation after the first of Oct...going out of town, but will be back after the 16th or so. We'll get together and raid the China Kitchen of all those little crunchy noodle thingys they put on the tables.

I love you sistah
Hang in there
Julie

PS
You going to the Apple Festival?

bluedragonfly2000 · 09-26-2004, 08:51 PM

Tanya I can relate to your story. I too went a long time without self harming but then the stress in my life came back with a lot of choices I need to make came along and I found I couldn't cope. Has anything new or stressful been happening?
I hear you about the meds too. I find many of them make me sick so I avoid them all

I hope to hear from you soon, keep in touch,
Mel

tanyasparks154 · 09-27-2004, 01:08 AM

Thanks for all of the replies, and encouragement. I appreciate it like you will never know. I'm doing better this week. I swear, if the depression doesn't get me, something else will. I had strep throat last week and now I have mono!!! I can't win for loosing.

In answer to the question about meds, I have tried everything. I'm currently actively ttc again so I really can't take anything right now. I am on a rest cycle per my doc because of the mono and all. But I have been on Zoloft, Remeron, Depakote, Geodon, Risperadol, Seroquel, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Lexapro, Zyprexa, Paxil, Xanax, Have taken Ativan a couple of times for panic attacks. That about covers it. I have had horrible side effects on everything. The Pdoc finally just took me off of everything and said that I would just have to learn to live with the disease or the side effects. Neither sounded too good but I will take just dealing with the disease. I just recently was put on Xanax and ativan but I know that Xanax can be habbit forming so that was a no go.
Yes, there were some stressful things in my life that triggered this last episode of depression. Not being able to get pg is one thing and my job is another.

Julie- I was going to go to the festival, but I'm not sure I should go and spread my germs about 20,000 people, so I will probably stay in the bed. But we will definately have to raid the China Kitchen!!!!

Lots of love,
Tanya

Canadian Kokopelli · 09-27-2004, 10:55 AM

Tanya, I'm so sorry things arent going well.

I hope that another treatment option becomes available to you soon. No one should have to suffer in silence.

PeacefulAngel · 09-27-2004, 11:19 AM

Oh for Pete's sake!

If you're gonna spread germs...you should spread them to as many people as possible.

Don't you want a funnel cake? How about some of those fried tater thingys? My feet are swelling just thinking about it....lol

I haven't been in like 3 years...but you know..it seems less fun than it did when were little and ran around squirting invisable ink on people's backs...LOL. Did you ever do that? What hellions we were.

I'm glad your feeling some better. Strep and mono have been going around. My brother's girlfriend's daughter (wow) had it too. Rest, drink plenty of fluids, and eat whatever you want.

I should be a doctor.

Love you more than my luggage!
Julie

tanyasparks154 · 09-28-2004, 01:16 AM

Julie,

I should have known that you could make me laugh. I told Steve that he had to go on friday and get me a funnel cake even if that is all he was going for! LOL!! And your right, that festival isn't as fun as when we were young and causing mischief. LOL!! OOOH, or sitting at the court house, trying to look cool. That was the thing when I was there. Oh, to be that young and care free again. Thanks for making me laugh!!

LOVE YA!
Tanya

PeacefulAngel · 09-28-2004, 12:12 PM

ahhhh yes....the courthouse crowd. LOL

when i was younger...that where the thugs hung out. LOl I was afraid to walk through there

in their shades...smoking...

ahhhh you're right...to be young and carefree. As long as we didn't have to go back to school...shudder.

Tell Steve-o I said to bring you 2 funnel cakes with extra powder sugar! You deserve them. You can eat one for me! Since i have to try to be a good girl.

Did you go to Evans when you were elem school? Or was it already a middle school? When it was Evans...oh they had the coolest fall festivals! All kinds of games and toys!

I'm glad i made you laugh. Hope you are doing better
I love ya
Julie

tanyasparks154 · 09-29-2004, 03:18 AM

Awwww, I was one of the thugs smoking at the courthouse. LOL! That was when I was in my Redneck Chick phase. I went to Love Chapel Elementary and Then to Evens Middle School. My class was the first to complete all three grades there. HEE HEE, I 'm special.

Love ya
Tanya

~Nicole~ · 09-29-2004, 04:00 PM

Should you be TTC with depression this severe? Would that not put way up there for Post Pardom Depression? Maybe you should think of yourself before you try to take care of a small baby. I hope know ones takes this the wrong way, I am not trying to be inconsiderate. I was always "moody" then I became pregnant and after I had my son I suffered from the worst depression. I still do. Having a child made my "moodiness" look like nothing. I turned into a monster.

Again this is just a thought.

tanyasparks154 · 09-29-2004, 08:43 PM

Hopefully,

I appreciate your concern. But I don't think that the Good Lord will allow me to have a baby if he doesn't think I can handle it. I'm doing much better now. I'm still not taking any meds but I am praying and meditating alot on God and that has helped me. Maybe that is why I haven't gotten pregnant. Maybe the Lord is allowing me time to work things out before hand. I'll be ok. And alot of the depression that I have been going through is triggered by ttc here lately. I'm currently on a rest cycle to feel better and get over the mono that I now have. Things will get better. The just didn't seem to at the time.

But again, thankyou for the concern.

Tanya