Making the choice to take back my own power (long!)

Rebecca527 · 08-02-2005, 11:32 AM

Good Morning my wonderful cysters! As I sit here drinking my coffee and perusing the boards, I find myself thinking a lot about life. I don't know if any of what I'm about to write will make a lick of sense, but I just feel the need to write it somewhere, in the hopes that someone will understand. I feel like I have been caught up in a web of negativity lately that has been so hard to break. I know a lot of it is caused by the stress of PCOS and TTC, but sometimes I just feel like it's this nasty, vicious cycle that I'm having trouble breaking. Normally I am a pretty happy person. We don't have much, and we struggle, but we have more than a lot of people and I feel truly blessed and fortunate for that. But, this drive to have a child is taking over my life and clouding my vision of what I want my life to be. It's the only thing I can think of, the only thing I have been focusing on, and it's the negative part of it that I've been so caught up in. The failure. The disappointment. The anger and bitterness of feeling like less than a woman. The heartbreak I feel everyday because I can't get pregnant, yet everyone around me can get pregnant without even wanting to. My husband feels like I'm becoming obsessed with it all, and I have to admit I am. I feel like he doesn't understand and doesn't want it as much as I do because he's not obsessing over things with me. I have wanted this for so long, as long as I can remember. After being single for my whole life, and being diagnosed with PCOS, it was so hard for me to deal with because I just knew that I would never have children. I became resigned to the fact that I would be alone and childless forever. My world was changed last year when I met my husband. I had found the one man that loved me no matter what...fat, hairy, bald, emotional...the whole package, the man that makes me so happy, that I want to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with. I was given even more hope earlier this year when I found a wonderful (and size friendly!) doctor who was willing to treat my PCOS the way I felt I needed and was dedicated to helping us get pregnant with the help of Clomid (after 6 months of trying naturally). My hopes and dreams have been ripped away from me twice with two failed rounds of Clomid. We are moving on to the next step, but it still doesn't help stop the pain and feelings of being a broken failure of a woman. I have closed off my life to possibility and have cut off communication with the people in my life that I hold most dear. I have stopped doing the things that make me happy. I have let myself fall into a pit of depression and have sat there wrapping myself up in it like a blanket. I have forgotten who I am: the most essential parts of me that make me the woman my husband fell in love with, the friend who was always there for her friends, the daughter who did more than just rant and rave to her parents about money and TTC, the sister that actually kept in touch with her wonderful big sister, the woman who loves reading, knitting, gardening, being in nature, and who above all else knew how to have fun was happy and grateful for the blessings in her life! The question I keep asking myself is this: What am I getting by harboring all of these feelings of inadequacy and failure? Why am I doing this to myself and torturing myself and my husband, not to mention everyone else around me? I'm not sure I even know the answer, but what I do know is that it needs to stop. And I'm the only one with the power to stop it. I can keep on choosing to feel like a victim and cry "Woe is me" to everyone who will listen, or I can choose to be strong and victorious over PCOS and change my life for the better. I can choose to call my parents just to see how they are doing and not make the conversation all about me. I can choose to email my sister just to say hi and inquire about her day. I can choose to make that phone call to the friend that I haven't spoken to in a month to show her that I still care. I can pick up my knitting and work on a gift for someone. I can get out of the house and off the computer (yeah, right!) and take a walk to clear my head. I can DO something...I can take the action rather than complaining about the consequences of my own INACTION! And that's what I've decided to do. I've made the conscious decision and choice to be a better person to everyone around me, and I just know that I will feel positive effects in my own life from doing so. I am not powerless over this. In fact, I am an extremely powerful woman who just lost sight of things for a while. Here's to clarity and vision for a beautiful life ahead!
So, if anyone made it this far, thank you for reading. You all have been a blessing and inspiration to me!

ERICKA77 · 08-02-2005, 11:43 AM

You know like Oprah says every woman should keep a journal of her feelings...lol...And I bet you felt better after typing that post!!!

I understand. We have been TTC for 7 years. Been through all the emotions and feelings. A couple months ago I realized I'm tired of feeling down and negative all the time. So I tried have more of a positive outlook. Being negative doesn't change the situation at all, just makes it worse. It was hard being postive at first, period..lol..But it's a mind thing. Gotta keep telling yourself, hang in there.
It's hard to "become" yourself again. But you can. Like you said, knit something. At first you'll be like, "I don't wanna." But if you make yourself, you'll feel better. Then you will slowly regain yourself again.
My poor plants were dying because I didn't have the will to water them..lol..I couln't fill up a jug and water them. I knew I needed to, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Just small stuff like that I couldn't do.
But PCOS isn't the end of the world. Nor TTC. Hang in there, your aren't alone. At least you are trying to be more positive, and you realize....

sweetums · 08-02-2005, 11:47 AM

I completely understand what you were saying, and I think that your statement was very well put! Thanks for sharing your feelings and emotions with us like that! That took guts, but it feels good to know that I'm not alone.

ericka, I thought I was the only one that couldn't seem to water my plants! It feels good to know that I'm not crazy.

manders

Rebecca527 · 08-02-2005, 11:48 AM

Thank you so much Ericka!!! That's exactly what I was feeling, and trying to convey in my post!!! You are right, I feel so much better getting that off my mind and chest. I have this little tingly feeling in my heart right now (could be heartburn! LOL) and I'm feeling very peaceful...something I haven't felt in months! I haven't been able to really articulate what I've been feeling lately and this morning when I started typing, I just couldn't stop! I feel like a dam has been broken loose and everything is flowing again! Thanks for understanding and sharing with me! ((((HUGS)))) to you!

Rebecca527 · 08-02-2005, 11:50 AM

Sweetums~ Thank you as well! I really didn't know what I was going to say when I first started typing, but like I told Ericka, it just started coming and I couldn't stop it. After I hit "submit" I wondered if I was doing the right thing...and now I know I did! ((((HUGS)))

Oh yeah...the plants...mine are dead too. LOL

ERICKA77 · 08-02-2005, 12:01 PM

sweetums-your not crazy....Now our plants probally think we are...lol...We just gotta tell them we're sorry, and we'll never do it again...

Rebecca527-hugs to you back. I'm glad you feel better by typing all that!!!...You never really now how you feel until you start writting and can't stop. Then feelings come pouring out like a thunderstorm that won't stop until all the clouds pass over. Then we you finally get done if feels like a nice fresh spring day after the showers. Flowers start blooming again!!!!!
Boy it feels like a relief after not feeling this way for months huh??...Now you should get all dressed up and go shopping...lol...Or get your haircut. Then go back home and start your knitting as you call your friend you haven't talked to....

oaktreegirl · 08-02-2005, 12:20 PM

It was great to read your post. I'm glad you've had such a wonderful epiphany. Thank you for sharing!

coolkitty · 08-02-2005, 12:21 PM

Rebecca,

Thanks so much for posting this. I too feel that TTC is taking over my life too much.

I guess that everyone should be allowed to wallow in their stress and disappointment for a little while. It is better than denying your feelings and acting like everything is okay when it's not. It seems like the time for that has passed for you, and I am really, really glad to hear that. You are not at all powerless, and you are certaily NOT a failure - you are strong and intelligent and wise, and everyone in your life is so lucky to have you.

sweetums · 08-02-2005, 12:24 PM

rebecca, ericka, thanks for reminding me that I'm not crazy and that I'm not alone in this.

You can't imagine what a relief that is. Lately I have sorta been in this "funk" that I can't seem to shake. I want so badly to scrapbook and work on my jewelry and bake and cook and do all sorts of things, but I just can't get myself to do it. I feel so bad that there are days when I can't even make supper for my husband and I.

I'm going to try my hardest to get my jewelry out today and work! I need to try and turn this around! Thanks!

Manders

PeacefulAngel · 08-02-2005, 12:27 PM

To my dead plant cysters....lol.....I have an African Violet that I am desperately trying to breath life back into. So far, I have gotten 1 purple flower for my efforts. LOL.

Anywho,
I just want to tell you, my dear coffee loving Rebecca, it sounds like you are on the right track. Maybe you should keep a journal.
I also wanted to tell you that you are, in NO way shape or form, a "failure of a woman". You sound like before this depression took hold, you were a wonderful friend, a loving sister, and you are a wonderful wife. I see no failure here.
Now go dye your hair.

That's what I do.
Hugs and love
Julie

ERICKA77 · 08-02-2005, 12:58 PM

sweetums- hang in there. we all know the feeling. i have times where i can't even clean the kitchen...lol...isn't that wierd. i just can't. i try, i'll turn the water on and then i shake my head no i can't do this..lol.. yea my husband can relate. i love cooking, but sometimes it's hard to even make a sandwich.
you should make some jewelry. what kind do you make??? i do alot of beading. but just like telling rebecca to knit, you should get out all your jewelry equipment. like i told her, it will be hard at first. hard to even get the supplies out. but once you start, it will put a smile on your face when you finish. then you will realize the beauty of it, and it will help lift you from that funk!!!

sweetums · 08-02-2005, 01:12 PM

ericka, I work with glass beads making bracelets, ankle bracelets, children's bracelets, earrings, eyeglass necklaces, watches, that kind of thing.

It's such a passion of mine and I'm trying to start my own business, but lately I just can't even get myself to look at my tools and my beads. I become easily overwhelemed it seems. I know what you mean about doing the dishes though! They are waiting for me right now! I am definately going to try and get my beads and equipment out today and get working! I have to start somewhere, right?

Thanks!

Manders

ERICKA77 · 08-02-2005, 01:21 PM

that's right!!!...
looks like rebecca not only is trying to help herself, but this thread spread to help others..lol..
i love to bead. especially with glassbeads. ironic because my friend and i wanna start our own business, but not sure how to go about it.
nice to talk to someone else who beads. maybe we can start a beading thread or something...lol...give each other encouragment to keep beading and knitting..rebecca..lol...
also to give each other pointers on owning our own business....

Jenika21 · 08-02-2005, 01:23 PM

Rebecca- I also really wanted to thank you so much for your post! I feel the same exact way but, could not have worded it so perfectly! Its hard to get up and go to work some days, and then once I am there it is hard not to obsess all day long on the internet (these boards...lol) I just feel like through this process I lost MYSELF and MY LIFE, TTC has totally consumed me lately. I actually think for ME it might be beneficial to take a break, just for a little bit. I need to let myself recoporate emotionally from all of the stress. Sorry to kind of hijack your post...I just wanted to let you know that I can definetly relate and reading this post made me feel alot better this morning!

sweetums · 08-02-2005, 01:35 PM

ericka, i like the idea of a "crafty thread". Maybe I'll go start one.

I do a very little bit of knitting, I started knitting a scarf last winter....it's almost finished! HA! I just got some new beads, so hopefully that will inspire me to get moving and get back to beading.

thanks for the support!

Manders