man's advice on a hard issue

mlinn · 03-03-2008, 11:11 PM

Ok,
I posted something earlier on soul cysters about my dbf and all the women had advice...but seemed very judgemental so I thought I would ask here and see what I get....

I have had a relationship with my dbf for over a year and a half now. He just doesn't seem motivated. He says that he was always motivated before he was with me but he thinks something like anemia (for example) is wrong with his health and causing him to be lethargic. He will sleep for 23 hours out of 24. He doesn't work...I have been footing the bills and the job in our household.

Not only does he not work, he doesn't help me around the house at ALL..this is not an exageration even though he will argue that. Since he moved into my apartment in September he has not lifted his hands to do one load of clothes,not cooked a meal,and barely helps with the dishes and cleaning the place up (only when he knows his friends are coming over) Now if we were both working, I might be down for all that...but with him not working......

Here comes the kicker. A week before valentines day he didn't show up to my house one night..I called him to see why he did not come home and he said he was going to stay over at his guy friends house(which I told him I would not tolerate bc we live together and if he is going to be gone out all night long I will be gone all night long,too) I got very angry and kicked him out and told him to leave me alone. I knew that he would see some other girl while we were split. He called and begged for me to take him back....and I did...now fast forward to a week later when it is Valentines day (which I have professed to him to be a very hard time for me because of my past - my ex fiance cheated on me on VDay) he fell asleep on the couch and his phone fell out of his pocket...now I am not a snoop at all...but he started going through my phone,walking outside to talk on the phone and making me very suspicious. I find text messages that he has sent another girl saying that he loves her,that he had a wonderful time at the resturant,and various things of that nature (12 different text),I got the dreaded phone call from the other lady and the whole nine yards. Both of them said they were nothing more than talking on the phone and went out to eat together. I knew he would see someone while we were split but while we were together?

He again has begged for my forgiveness. He says that he loves me and can't live without me.....that I am the woman God made for him. He has left from OUR home in AR to go spend time with his mom in GA...and I just can't trust him. I mean, this is the first time in our entire relationship that I have suspected cheating..he keeps saying it wasn't actually cheating bc they were just "talking" but I just feel like I can't trust a word he says. He seems to be trying hard. He says that he wants to return to church with me and get his priorities straight. He says he wants to go to couples therapy with me at church. He says that I am the love of his life and all that has happened has made him realize how much I actually mean to him.....

Should I trust him or should I end it. I keep trying to end it and he just keeps on fighting the breakup. I just need a man's perspective if you gentleman are willing to give me one.

Lisa11 · 03-04-2008, 09:00 PM

Umm, you found a text saying that he loved another woman? If you are wondering whether or not to dump this guy, I think that's your answer right there.

* JeNNi * · 03-11-2008, 08:29 AM

Obviously, I'm not a man... but you just said he had left to go see his mom in GA and that you can't trust him. If you're unable to trust him, why be with him at all? I think it depends on how you truly feel. I'm not saying, don't put his feelings into consideration... but be more about you right now. What do you want? Would you want him to get counseling, er what not... so you both could start your relationship over from a clean slate? .... About the text messages, maybe all it was, was just being friends and going out to eat. But if you cannot trust him, then that basically closes the subject. More than likely, you need time to think about this.. and figure out what it is you truly want. If this is something you want to keep and try to regain your trust for him then go ahead with the couples therapy. Best of luck with this situation.. !!!

mlinn · 03-11-2008, 01:03 PM

No the text were way more than friendship they said things like I love you and I can't live without you beautiful.....all the romantic things I would have loved for him to say in OUR relationship. I love him but its obvious I guess he doesn't feel the same. He keeps calling saying lets work things out but then he says hateful mean things two minutes later. It just hurts that she seemed to get the best part of him, you know? I guess that is to be expected bc she did not have to put up with cleaning his clothes,cooking for him,taking care of him,putting up with his attitude and all. I don't know what to do...I do but I just don't seem to have the balls to do it. My mom bought me a new phone with a new number and told me to if nothing else take a break from him and talking to him and sort out my feelings. I think I am going to do that very soon.

Binxsmommy · 03-11-2008, 08:52 PM

He likes the free ride he is getting. He likes that he can be lazy and have everything done for him (like you are his momma). He's not gonna change unless you force him. Kick him out and let him know once he gets his stuff straight that if he is still interested in working on a relationship you will be there. Otherwise say see ya buddy because as long as he is allowed to be lazy he will be.

tashamarie · 03-12-2008, 06:38 AM

Sorry, I am a girl here too lol, I don't really have any advice, just want to say I am close to the same boat you are in. My dbf parents both passed away 4 and 5 years ago, along with his best friend. Things were great up until then, and for the last several years I have let alot of crap go because really that was a lot for him to go through in a short amount of time. we used to talk about marriage and kids, now we don't, in fact one night he was hammered and told me he would never marry me, that there was something missing, he also told me that he and his best friend (a girl) had strong feelings for eachother (after she died, he tells me this), he didn't work for 3 years or clean or do much of anything but sit at the bar, we were financially able for him to do it, but it got real aggravating as I worked full time and he didn't, I payed my fair share of bills, he bought expensive "toys" (guns, a minichopper, rc cars, modifacations to his truck), last year he admitted that while I was out of town with my friend for a concert (one of few times I get out to do anything) he went to the bar where I had been helping a friend out and tried to sleep with the other bartender, apparently it did not happen but still, he had to drive 80 miles for this, more recently he got a text message while he was asleep, I don't snoop either but didn't really think about it and opened the phone, not wanting to listen to it all night, it was someone just asking if he was awake but the name was just "text" instead of a name of one of our friends, so I looked and found another one giving an email addy which showed the name to be kim. I want to call, text or email this person, but I could be wrong, how stupid lol. I feel for you, it is tough and everything is easier said than done you know, we have been together going on 8 years and been through all this stuff and I still honestly cannot bear the thought of leaving him, he travels for his job and everytime he leaves I ball like a big baby. You are definitely not alone.

truefriend · 03-12-2008, 06:55 AM

I think he is using you because you take care of money matters .I don't think he has any affiliation for you .This is how guys are usually

comfyfeet · 03-12-2008, 07:09 AM

Sweetie, you deserve better than that! If he loved you he wouldnt be telling some other woman he loves her.
You deserve nothing better than a guy that thinks of nothing but you and treats you like a goddess.
I think you are better off without him and the stress of wondering where he is and why he is late.
xx

LividAngel29 · 03-13-2008, 01:50 PM

I'm sorry to jump in here as I am not a man, but my ex husband was a lot like that, only his was on the internet, he said he was just talking but he would tell them he was single. He did nothing to help me around the house unless I screamed at him to do it. He could not keep a job. One night while he was a t work he cheated on me with a hooker, he was working at a convenience store over night by himself, and they got caught, so he had to tell me why he got fired yet again, he had gotten fired for sexual harassment from another job before this. my point to this is you can find someone much better that is willing to be your partner in working and helping around the house, if they are just friends then he should have had no problem with telling you he went out to eat with someone and you should have met her before hand. I know when you love someone you take a lot of crap from them, I did for almost 2 years, but him actaully cheating on me was the final straw, unfortunatley we had a child together so now I am stuck raising him, but I lvoe him more than anything too. I am rambling but I just want to let you know you do not have to put up with that, tell him if he really loves you and can not live without you than he needs to do his part, he should go to the dr to see if he has a medical reason for sleeping all the time. Please do not think I am talking down to you at all, I just have been there and I understand how you feel. I am dating a wonderful man now and he treats me and my son so good, my ex is not in my sons life at all which is for the best. I hope you can make the best decision for yourself

Neena · 04-04-2008, 12:01 PM

Sorry to intrude on this part of the site, but I want you to think of your life 25 years later. As an example, I know someone whose husband has barely worked, has repeatedly cheated and told her so they can be 'honest', never helped with the two toddlers they had, never picked up after himself, never supported his wife in any state (even in front of his daughter-in-law) and this woman is now 53 years old and has worked 12 hour shifts to support her family for most of her life. She is drained and exhausted and completely depressed. I am waiting for one day to get the phone call that she is DX with cancer or some other horrible disease. She feels miserable and feels like she didn't have a life. She had no love/support during tough times in her life. She now takes care of two of her son's toddlers because her husband doesn't back her up and her daughter-in-law is verbally abusive. Once you bow down, people put more weight on you so you go down further into the ground.

She doesn't believe in divorce, but if it were up to myself, I would have had the courage to leave the guy once he cheated, just for the sole purpose of not having to put children through a broken relationship.

You deserve better. If you settle for this, you carve out your own reality. As part of a relationship, you negotiate indirectly how you are to be treated. Believe me, he will never change. It only gets worst. People who cheat have low self esteem/worth and do not respect the person they are with. He probably does this to feel good. Its entirely selfish. Please consider this before you make a decision.

Neena · 04-04-2008, 12:18 PM

BTW - I did not think like this prior to my marriage. Cheating was considered socially acceptable by men in my culture. My husband is from a different area and he has dealt with similar people in his lifetime.

This is also my husband's opinion. He has always told me that everyone has opportunities to cheat. Its why you choose not to take them, which makes for a strong relationship.

TechLady77 · 04-04-2008, 02:57 PM

You are not going to find a different response from men. It's not like men are going to come up with some huge reason that you should stay with someone who is unhealthy for you. You are just grasping...because you love him. But love doesn't make a relationship. I've loved many, but I've only been able to have a healthy relationship with one. If you are willing to be that girl that is being used by a man, then that's a decision only you can make. You have to be ready to move on and get some courage. You have to get some confidence, and know that you deserve better than that.

AlenaBug · 04-04-2008, 11:47 PM

A lot of good thoughts have been voiced here, but let me add my two cents, for whatever they're worth.

If he suggested going to counseling with you, and Christian counseling at that, and if you think he is genuine about wanting to change for the better, perhaps it is worth consideration. After all, how he reacts to counseling (whether he participates or clams up, or whether he does the homework given by the counselor or refuses to do it) will tell you a LOT about whether or not he is genuine in his repentance. Also, is he willing to live under a microscope for a while? Privacy is important, but in the realm of infidelity (and that ranges from pornography to an affair) trust must be rebuilt if the relationship is to survive. If he is willing to let you check his email and text messages, if he is willing to tell you were he's going and where he's been, and if he participates actively in counseling, there is hope. If he is unwilling to let you know his actions, and is unwilling to participate or is flippant about counseling, that's a terrible sign.

Only you can really hope to tell if you should continue the relationship. It sounds like you already know what you need to do. Now you just need to gather the courage to do it. If you tell him to leave you alone, and he refuses, that's stalking. Be careful, darling.

Somewhat Damaged · 04-05-2008, 03:54 PM

Alright, I'm sorry but I'm not a man.

I would sit him down, and tell him very calmly what you're looking for in a relationship (ie: you're looking for a husband, or a committed relationship, etc. That you expect him to hold down a job and help around the house, giving examples of this, you get the point), and tell him that you're willing to give him another chance if he will put in the effort at doing these things, and then give him a time limit like, 3 months or something. Then, let him do whatever he decides to do for that time period and just silently asses things... don't nag him or anything if he doesn't do something he promised.

At the end of that time period, though, you need to make a definite decision. Assuming he put in his best the whole time, is that someone you want to live with for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, end things quickly and completely.

If the answer is yes, forgive him for his mistakes and move on.

If he can't give you his best when he knows he might lose you, he's not the guy for you.

yw23 · 04-06-2008, 12:50 AM

Can ya'll do counseling without him living with you...Tell him to get a job and get his own apt. You can not change him, he has to want to change himself. How old is he??