man's advice on a hard issue - Page 2

nikbeehubby · 04-06-2008, 07:34 PM

a man's take on this. . . toss the freeloader to the curb. youre nothing more than a meal ticket with benefits to him and of course he will say what he has to in order to perpetuate the existence he is now living. sounds to me that youre not in love with him rather than in love with the idea of NOT having to be alone.

silverhawk · 04-06-2008, 08:05 PM

not a guy, but kick him to the curb.

if you feel you can't trust him and he doesn't contribute as well as finding evidence that he has cheated on you if not physically then at least in his mind kick his butt out and find someone worthy of you.

sasha299 · 04-06-2008, 10:16 PM

Not a man here.

Take a piece of paper and ask yourself a couple of questions and answer honestly with out making excuses

1. Do you love him? (what is your definition of love)
2. Do you love you self? (how do you show that)
3. Does he respect you? (how does he show it?)
4l. Do you respect your self? (how do YOU show it?)
5. Do you see a future with him? ( list what you think a future would be like)
6. Do you think when he says any of the things he does that it is true? (State WHY)
7. Do you think when he says any of the things he does that it is not true? (state why)
8. Do you think that he cares about hurting you?
9. What does your family think about him? (aside from your rants) your Friends?
10. Listen to what your friends say - Can you support or disagree with their decisions? Why?
11. If your sister were being treated like this what would you tell her?
12. If you found yourself pg with his child would you be happy at this time?
13. If you found yourself really ill/hospitalized/needing extreme care would he be there standing beside you? Do you have any doubts? Do you want to stay with someone whom you do not have 100% FAITH in?
14. If you have to ask what is it that you want to hear from those people around you that you ask?

After you have written your answers down DONT READ THEM. Take a couple of days to then one day when you are out, or maybe even go to the library on your own. Take out that paper, read it through. Then decide.

Me, I'd say don't let him back in your home. If he did it once he'll do it again. If you don't respect your self enough to kick him out he'll do it again because you've shown him that for all the talking/tears/etc you'll let him stay and unhappy or not things for him will go back to "normal". If he truely wants to build a life with you he should have to earn it. Although personally I would not permit him back into my own life, you may want to because of your love for him. If you are going to do this I have some very important pieces of advice
1. Do not let him move back in with you for a time period. Normally I would say unless you get married BUT you have to understand this is not something that I would ever tell him, esp in your situation. I suggest for at least 12 mos, yup, 12 mos. Any sooner and he will not have a chance to re-learn your boundaries. PS You also need to cement your own boundaries.
2. Do not get intimate with him for a period of time. Say 6 months. BUT before you do this make him get tested - yup the whole STD work up. That is the price you pay when you cheat - intimate knowaledge of what type of underwear another woman likes is cheating.
3. Restart dating. This is where I say you should NOT pay all the time. Go dutch, you pay the he pays, etc. Sorry, but since this is a part of your ongoing issues this needs to be addressed.
4. Insist he gets a job, earns money, etc. You should not do it for him. Unless he is actually doing it for himself you should not do anything related to this for him.
5. You should both see relationship counselors. You need to learn set healthy boundaries and he needs help.

Good luck what ever your decision.

evabear · 04-10-2008, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mlinn

No the text were way more than friendship they said things like I love you and I can't live without you beautiful.....all the romantic things I would have loved for him to say in OUR relationship. I love him but its obvious I guess he doesn't feel the same. He keeps calling saying lets work things out but then he says hateful mean things two minutes later. It just hurts that she seemed to get the best part of him, you know? I guess that is to be expected bc she did not have to put up with cleaning his clothes,cooking for him,taking care of him,putting up with his attitude and all. I don't know what to do...I do but I just don't seem to have the balls to do it. My mom bought me a new phone with a new number and told me to if nothing else take a break from him and talking to him and sort out my feelings. I think I am going to do that very soon.

Girl, you need to be strong and have more self respect for yourself! If you found stuff like that, you need more than a break, you need to break up. He has so many things working against him -

1. Text messages saying "I love you" and other sweet things that should be reserved for YOU, no matter what
2. Not helping out around the apartment, basically letting you do everything
3. Not having a job to help with the finances of the household
4. If he really thinks something is medically wrong, he needs to go to the doctor and get it checked out so that he can get it fixed!! Right now, all it is is an excuse
5. He says he couldn't live without you and that you're the only girl for him, but yet you broke up for a few days and he immediately started "talking" to someone else?

Also, the "I can't live without you" statement is dangerous. You should WANT to be with someone, not NEED to be. The NEED to be with someone is dangerous and can turn into obsession... it's just not healthy.

If you feel like you are truly being compromised, then you need to stand up for yourself!

Sorry, got a little carried away there.

mlinn · 04-10-2008, 11:37 PM

UPDATE:

I am sorry for the length of this post. I just wanted to talk about it with people who will actually listen for once.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

I have tried my hardest to pull out all the stops and make my relationship with this man I love work.

I have been defeated by someone who obviously doesn't have ENOUGH self esteem to love himself.

To clarify, I am from Arkansas. He and I have been together for two years.

His mom came up from his home country to Georgia. He told me he loved me and he wanted to work things out.

We were talking again and things seemed to be going perfect until I took him out to eat one day at San Francisco Bread company...we started looking at pictures of his home country on the computer so that I could get some information (conversation starter) about where he lived. There was a picture of a very attractive young lady on a website for a college there. I said wow.. she is VERY pretty and he said yeah I would be doing good to go back home and marry her. He laughed like he was a comedian. I did not think it was very funny or very respectful. I cleaned up my stuff and walked out the door. He told me he could never be with someone who couldn't take a joke. In my humble opinion,that is not a funny joke after you have just betrayed your partner by cheating on them.

He told me that night that he had decided to leave and go to Georgia to see his mom (it had been three years that they had not seen one another). He told me if I was childish enough to not handle being teased he couldn't live with me anymore..plus he needed to get his head on straight..and that he wanted to see his mom after being absent from her for so long. He straightned up and started walking the straight and narrow. I took him to Greyhound with HIS promise of "I love you so much...we just need this time apart to work out our problems." I cried when I saw that bus leave because I felt in my heart of hearts it would be the last time I ever saw him. He has gone away on trips before and I have never felt like that but I did this time.
He got to Georgia and went back to being a prick.

I gave hime some food to eat on the bus instead of cash money bc I did not have cash with me....he called me on one of his layovers and asked me to wire him some cash bc he only had $10 in his pocket and his mom was supposed to come pick him up but had been called into work and couldn't meet him at the bus station there. She also called me and confirmed with me that since his bus arrived later than scheduled she wouldn't be able to make it and no one could go get him bc they were all at work. I,like the gullable idiot I am,gave him more money.

His mom supposedly lied to the both of us. She told me he would be going out there to live with her...but when he got out there she said her roommates would not allow it so he had to move in with some friends of hers from work. He got there and called me saying I repent I want to come back home..she got me out here and told me I would be living with her but instead she is moving me in with strangers and I was better off with you than with strangers. He lived there a few weeks and then that arrangement fell through. He moved in with his mom and her roommates and things took a nose dive for the worse for us. She would scream at him loud enough I can hear her on the phone about me calling him late (1 hour time difference) but yet she called me at two or three in the morning often when she first got here to talk to him...I am still going ???? over that. Every time he and I would get into an arguement he would put mom on the phone to defend him. I am sick of this. What kind of adult needs his mom to defend him in a justified arguement with his long term girlfriend? One night we got into an arguement over something and he hung up on me...so I did what any loving girlfriend would do and treated him just like he does me in that situation. I called him back....until he answered. His mom answered the phone and told me if she had a gun she would blow my phone up. I can't explain it in English well but in Spanish like she spoke it it is a very cruel insult. So it is fine for him to turn around and call me 100 times in a row if I don't answer my phone in her book...but god forbid I call him more than once.

He only calls me and is nice to me when he wants something (the major thing being when he is almost out of minutes on his prepaid cell.)

I just recently called to tell him that I was in the path of a tornado (I live in Arkansas and we have been getting hit by alot of them recently) to which he replied you need to have respect and don't call me so late. I was like oh God I am sorry that I tried to call you and tell you that I was in danger of rapid death and tell you that I love you....I hung up the phone and cried through the entire tornado. He kept blowing up my phone after that and leaving me messages saying how sorry he was...but that I needed to just trust God...with the si,dios quiere crap...(if you don't get it read la gringa's blogicito).

Things have just taken a turn for even worse than they were. I have a guy asking me out at work and my dbf has caught on to the fact that I have gained more self confidence and am not putting up with his bulls*it anymore. I think last night was the final straw for me. We fought and fought and fought and he told me that I didn't need to be treating him like a dog or telling him what to do when I told him that I would like to have a conversation with him where he let me talk. He ALWAYS gets on the phone and goes 90 to nothing telling me about his day. He never ever ever stops to say how are you doing.

I was having chest pains and my doctor called me in to the cardiologist. He told me to call him after the appointment and tell him how it went. I called him to get yelled and screamed at for interrupting him at work before I could even get an word in edgewise. I just screamed well why the he** did you tell me to call you and tell you how my appointment at the doctor went then? I hung up on him and he turned around and called me three or four times then he apologized but didn't ask me how my appointment went at all until that night..after I fought with him about the fact that he called without even speaking to me and asking how I was.

I am so sick of putting 110% into a relationship and I am so sick about caring for someone who doesn't seem to care about me. I am tired of not being listened to. I am tired of talking to a brick wall.

So I have decided to stop. If it is meant to be maybe me not talking to him will wake his ass up to the point where he says I lost the only person who ever TRULY cared about me in my life (his dad left when he was young and his mom took off with a boyfriend when he was younger leaving his grandmom to care for him) his mom has only JUST recently came back into his life,anyways.

I just can't keep doing this to myself. It hurts because I love him so much...but I can't kill myself over this. I can't make him realize he is making the biggest mistake he will ever make in his life...because he just doesn't get it. Come to think of it..maybe he just doesn't get life at all.

nikbeehubby · 04-11-2008, 06:33 AM

its not him that doesnt get it... its you. he isnt being deceptive or dishonest- you just fail to see the true colors that have been shown to you from day one. your futile grasping at straws when there are none to be had borders on crossing the line past desperation.

silverhawk · 04-11-2008, 01:06 PM

you're better off without him.

TechLady77 · 04-11-2008, 05:47 PM

It might be time to consider the fact that this guy probably has some form of narcissism. He could be bipolar, or borderline, or what have you. There are a lot of people with mental problems, who have trouble with life just like what you are saying he does. Sometimes they can hide it for years...but eventually, it shows.

I had a boyfriend who seemed fine to me, but others clearly saw that he had a problem, but they were too embarrassed to tell me. It took me 11 months to figure out that this guy was crazy. But it wasn't until I was far removed from it that I seen how truly messed up he was. I'm actually embarassed that I dated someone that was that messed up. I feel ashamed, as though that makes me crazy by default. But it doesn't. And I loved him. It was real, and it was my life, and I can't regret anything. I enjoyed that crazy, drama-filled, so passionate that we fight constantly kind of love while I had it. But you can't live with someone like that forever. Unless you are trying to drive yourself insane, which it sounds like that's what you are doing.

You don't think your heart problems have anything to do with your crazy relationship? Let me just say...that kind of fighting is NOT normal. Give up. Let your heart break. Because if you don't, you are headed for insanity. And don't jump into another relationship yet. Let yourself breathe for awhile. You will get over this, and you will learn from it.

evabear · 04-11-2008, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikbeehubby

its not him that doesnt get it... its you. he isnt being deceptive or dishonest- you just fail to see the true colors that have been shown to you from day one. your futile grasping at straws when there are none to be had borders on crossing the line past desperation.

OUCH... but it needed to be said...

biker_jt · 04-11-2008, 08:35 PM

ok i'm another guy weighing in here. i work full time and help with all the dishes, cooking, laundry, and cleaning. i am currently only working part time bc i got laid off so since i am home more (on unemployment but working part time) i do more around the house so my dw doesn't have to. from what you are telling me he is doing i, and i don't mean to offend you, might as well be watching maury or dr phil! he is acting like it is your job to take care of him. you need to drop him on his @ss and after he shows you he has learned to be a real man, if you don't already have one, then consider letting him back into your life. and i'm not talking just take a few weeks, make him show you for like 2 months. i know it's hard to hear but i hope this helped, and btw i say go for it with the guy at work.

MarineWife2005 · 04-18-2008, 10:25 PM

Just my two cents...

I know when you "love" someone it's hard to see when the relationship is over. I say "love" because it doesn't sound like he ever did anything to sweep you off your feet to make you fall in love. He stayed with you because you acted like his Mother (who wasn't there until recently). You cooked, you cleaned, you worked, etc you were his mother. His mother came back into his life and he leaves you to be with her.

I hate to see women in this situation and always make themselves out to be the victim, STOP LETTING YOURSELF BE THE VICTIM. Stop letting him treat you like this. It sounds like it's beyond time to move on and stop supporting a man that clearly does not care for you.

If you can honestly re-read your post and feel like he loves you, then no matter what anyone here post you will think and believe whatever lies he will tell you.

It's time to move on.

nikbeehubby · 04-18-2008, 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarineWife2005

If you can honestly re-read your post and feel like he loves you, then no matter what anyone here post you will think and believe whatever lies he will tell you.

It's time to move on.

i think everyone else thats posted here has said the exact same thing in different words.

lisattcbaby · 04-19-2008, 08:46 PM

Sorry your going through it all! but.... just let him go cause thats where he wants to be until his time runs out elswhere. then he comes running back to u with his tale between his legs! Just take one day at a time and BREATHE! you will be just fine hun. And give mr work guy a chance!

he might be the best thing to ever happen to ya!! and make you foreget mr. wrong!!!!

silverhawk · 04-25-2008, 11:50 AM

I know you want to hear someone, anyone tell you just to give him more time. You seem to be holding onto that hope that if you're just a little more patient and a little more understanding, that he will see what a wonderful person you are and start behaving like a responisble adult worthy to be your life partner.

I'm sorry, I don't think it will happen. It CAN happen, but it would take almost a miracle as it is highly unlikely it WILL happen.

I stayed in a marriage 4 years longer than I should have because I thought if I was just a little more patient, if I just tried to talk to him he would turn back into the man I fell in love with. I eventually had to realize that the man I loved died a long time ago and that for my own sanity I had to walk away.

Please don't follow the same path I did. Find an adult to have a relationship with and to be a life partner with. This boy (sorry with the way he's acting I can't call him a man) is not a fit life partner for you. No matter how much you love him, you cannot fix him or change him.

find someone worthy of you and who will take care of you, rather than you having to mother him and take care of him.

Physicsdude · 05-05-2008, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikbeehubby

a man's take on this. . . toss the freeloader to the curb. youre nothing more than a meal ticket with benefits to him and of course he will say what he has to in order to perpetuate the existence he is now living.

Couldn't have said it better myself.