Marriage Vows

beejcee · 07-15-2008, 07:13 PM

hello,

i have never posted in this forum before but i am hoping some of you might be willing to share your thoughts on the following problem i have.

i have been married eight years. i love my husband and i know he has a core of goodness and sweetness. but in the past year we have discovered that he is bipolar.

along with the depression, he has developed mania with spending (accumulating over $40,000 in debt) and he has had three different affairs in the past year.

everything i read about the disease advises family to try to understand that the spending and cheating are truly not personal, they are true symptoms of the disease. so my logical mind can understand that. but my heart is struggling.

i have been praying for my husband because right now he won't look at me or barely even talk to me, just minimal answers. everything i do or say is irritating to him. today he told me he has stopped taking all of his meds.

the amount of debt he is creating is frightening to me. i am a person who is very good with money but his mania is now causing me to have real financial concerns.

i have been suffering with this in silence for 6 months now -- afraid to tell my family or friends. this weekend after some terrible moments with my husband i realized i couldn't hide this anymore. so, i have since told two very close friends. tomorrow after work i am going to start pursuing some counseling for myself.

here's why i am posting this: how do i come to grips in my heart with my current situation and my marriage vows? i promised him and God for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. he is talking about possibly wanting a divorce and i am ashamed to admit part of me thinks about it because this would eventually go away.

at the same time, i know myself and i am a very committed person. if i said okay to the divorce, i know i would be haunted by the idea that i didn't live up to those vows.

sorry this is so long. if you read this, thank you for taking a moment to read this. i know i am not the only one in this kind of situation. any thoughts about coping strategies from those of you who have been there? thank you.

aturnbg · 07-15-2008, 08:09 PM

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I understand your desire to hold up your vows to God, but if he insists upon divorce I do not feel like you are breaking any vows.... he has.

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-16-2008, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aturnbg

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I understand your desire to hold up your vows to God, but if he insists upon divorce I do not feel like you are breaking any vows.... he has.

Seriously! I could not agree more with this post. God would not want you to be in a marriage where you're being cheated on (which, last I checked, non-monogamy even if you use a condom= STDs = can kill you), bankrupted, and afraid to tell your familly and friends the truth.

I hope you find the strength to get out. Maybe to a battered woman's shelter if need be?

uwalcott · 07-16-2008, 11:35 PM

I agree with PP's. I feel very strongly that marriage is a lifelong commitment-- however you are dealing with infidelity, which if you are religious is usually grounds for a divorce, as well as financial and emotional abuse. Even if it is not his fault, you cannot be expected to suffer all these things indefinitely, especially if he is the one who wants out of the marriage. I say this as a person who suffers from a mental disorder and is very grateful that my husband decided to stick it out with me, so I am not biased in favor of breaking up, believe me. You have to take care of yourself first. Good luck to you and I hope you find the answer to your dilemma!

alwayzrn · 07-16-2008, 11:55 PM

PP'ers have told you correctly. Infidelity is one of the only reasons that the Lord will allow divorce. IF you divorced just because you didn't get along if you or he remarried then both of you would be committing adultery and causing your new spouses to be committing adultery also. I feel that if you can separate your finances then do that and if you want to try and stick it out then try. If you don't want to try and stick it out you have every right bibilcally to let the marriage go. I hope that you make a decision that is best for you and your family!!

Adrianne

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-17-2008, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alwayzrn

IF you divorced just because you didn't get along if you or he remarried then both of you would be committing adultery and causing your new spouses to be committing adultery also.

You know what, that is your opinion, but when you state it as fact, it becomes offensive. Nobody has an obligation to stay in a marriage in which they're miserable. Remarriage is remarriage, adultery is adultery. Don't conflate the two.

juststartn · 07-17-2008, 02:12 AM

I will be praying for you and your DH...

Rachel

alwayzrn · 07-17-2008, 01:59 PM

Toomuch--I am not trying to offend anyone...but it is fact in the bible...in Matthew...and if you read the rest of my post...I said that she has every right to leave this marriage..I said if he had not done anything then if she was trying to live by the bible what she would be up against. My first husband impregnanted another woman in my marriage and I left him. So please re-read the post...I told her she has every right to leave, but she needs to pray on it and find out what SHE wants to do!

uwalcott · 07-17-2008, 03:45 PM

Yes and I have to say that since this post was submitted in the "faith and healing forum" and OP is most likely a Christian lady seeking for Bible-based answers (see her original post-- correct me if I am wrong of course!), that giving Biblical based information is perfectly acceptable under these circumstances. It would have been different if the opinion was offered in a general forum on marriage. This reply was given to a particular cyster in a particular situation.

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-17-2008, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alwayzrn

Toomuch--I am not trying to offend anyone...but it is fact in the bible...in Matthew...and if you read the rest of my post...

I did read your entire post. And, I am very sorry to hear about your ex-H.

I still took offense at your saying that people who divorce due to irreconcilable differences, then remarry, are committing adultery.

It may say that in the Bible, however it also says that slavery is A-OK; women are dirty because they menstruate; vegetable gardens are bad; clothes made of mixed-fiber fabric-are bad.

Your advice would have stood on its own, if not been stronger, had you not cast the judgement. I realize this is a "Faith" forum, but that doesn't mean all cysters posting/reading here adhere to Biblically-based faiths.

beejcee · 07-17-2008, 05:47 PM

hello and thanks to everyone who read my message and responded,

i haven't been on the boards for awhile because my husband went into a full-blown manic attack. i had to get the police here because he locked himself in our bedroom.

i am safe but i cannot write more now, as you can imagine, i have a lot going on right now.

the good news is that my husband actually scared himself and this morning made appointments to see his counselor and psychiatrist later today and he wants to restart his meds.

he has agreed that i should take control of all of the money. (thanks for the suggestion)

i don't expect miracles of change right now but i have decided that i want to at least try to give it one try to make things out.

i think if i left now, i would regret it for the rest of my life because i would feel like a quitter. if things don't improve in any way within the next few months, i am going to probably file for divorce.

even though it's been awful, i want to know in my heart that i gave it my all or i won't have any peace.

i originally posted this message on the faith boards because i wanted to be sure to hear from christian cysters who had the same beliefs about marriage vows. but i truly appreciate and value all of your answers. it shows me that my struggles with this are valid because it is a very tricky issue.

thank you so much! please continue to pray for us and thanks for your past prayers.

alwayzrn · 07-17-2008, 06:08 PM

I am glad that you made a decision that you will be able to live with! Please keep yourself safe...and whatever you do it will be the right decision for you! I will continue to keep you in my prayers and I hope that the Lord will put his hands around your dh and help to heal his condition and your marriage.

Toomuch--I gave her what she asked for and it was my opinion that she did ask for..I gave her biblical evidence and it was just that. I don't argue about religion with ANYONE and I am not going to start now. You have your opinions as do I. You can't let it go not my problem. But I do wish you well also!

Adrianne

Jashobeam · 07-23-2008, 07:00 PM

I hope the therapy and meds help your husband. I agree that the Bible is clear that you can leave your husband due to his infedilty, but if you are commited to stay with him, I agree you need to keep yourself safe in all ways, physically, financially, mentally, etc. You need to get some financial answers from a Christian financial planner about how to safeguard your financial future. You need to have support, and I hope your family and friends are there for you. You might also consider Christian therapy for yourself in dealing with the pain and stuggles in your marriage, even if it's a leader in your church who does such counceling.