Meeting Foster to Adopt Children for the First Time

Oomis · 11-16-2007, 06:37 PM

We are about to meet our possible future children. All under the age of 5. What did you do when you first met your future children that have been in foster care? Do they know you are possibly their future parents?

one-hit_wonder · 11-16-2007, 09:27 PM

Wow, how exciting for you! How was it?

Miss-Meme · 11-19-2007, 11:18 AM

HOw did it go?

Oomis · 11-19-2007, 03:34 PM

We meet them next week! I can't wait! I will post how it goes.

sazzifrazz · 11-22-2007, 09:26 AM

my situation was a little different. a) it wasn't to adopt b) i knew one of the children, they were a student in my class, i did not know his brother.
the current foster father brought them over for a visit. we gave them a tour of the house. we showed them where their room would be, where their playroom would be. I had bought them each an action figure and put them in their empty room. i told them on the day they moved in the toys would be waiting for them. they spent some time looking around then focused on tormenting our dog

acrosaz · 11-22-2007, 10:01 PM

we are in the same boat - I am meeting my 5-year-old son for the first time next week as well...good luck and let me know how it goes!

one-hit_wonder · 11-25-2007, 12:59 AM

Oomis and Andrea: Okay, I'm dying to know how the 'meetings' (for lack of a better word!) went!

acrosaz · 11-25-2007, 01:52 AM

one-hit, I won't be meeting my son until the end of this week, but I will definitely post about how it went...we are getting excited, and nervous!

JenniferV · 11-26-2007, 09:30 PM

Hi,

I worked in adoption for seven years, specifically with kids in the foster care system. There are a few things that I always told adoptive parents to try to help them. One, the kids are just as worried, afraid, stressed and scared as you are. Probably more so. From talking with hundreds of kids who were available for adoption, the things they worry about is if the family will like them, if the family is "normal", and if the family is nice. Kids in foster care are so afraid of the unknown. Adoption is very scary for kids. Two, I always encourage adoptive families to create a photo album or scrap book of themselves, their home, extended family and other important people/pets in their lives. Include lots of pictures of your house, your yard, pictures of your parents, siblings (future aunts and uncles), family vacations, pictures of you doing things you enjoy and let the child keep the photo album/scrap book after the first visit. I guarantee you that they will LOVE it and will pour over it every waking minute. This way, when you take them to your house for the first time, everything will be familiar because they have the pictures. WHen they meet grandma and grandpa for the first time it won't be so scary because they already know what they look like, ect. Plan something to do for the first visit. Have a board game, a book, a puzzle or a craft project. It breaks the ice and cuts down on the awkward silences and sitting there staring at each other. I also encouaraged adopitve families to keep the rest of the family at bay for as long as possible. You don't want to overwhelm the kids with a billion family members. Keep the visits simple, intimate and easy going. Third, once you start having regular visits, try to keep your life as normal as possible when you are around the kids. If you have them over the weekend and you usually do laundry, yard work and then rent a movie to watch that evening. Do that with the kids. The last thing you want to do is make every visit a party. As much as you will be tempted to take them places, go to movies, bowling, shopping, chuck e. cheese because its fun and the kids love it, it will only make it more difficult when the kids move in because they will be used to life being one big party when they are with you and the transition can be more difficult once they move in and they realize that you are no longer all fun and games. Lastly, I always tell them that adopting from the foster care system will be the hardest thing they will ever do. They will second guess their decision, doubt their parenting abilities, think the kids hate them, worry they are doing more harm than good and feel like things are out of control and will never get better and will take everything personal. This is normal. Find a good support group, get involved with other adoptive parents. Get your kids in therapy (get yourself in therapy). Be open to new ideas and change. Have reasonable expectations. THe adoptive parents that seem to struggle the most are the ones who had unrealistic expectations. WHen they don't get immediate affection from their adopted kids, they become frustrated and resentful. Families who expect the children to conform to their family also struggle. Once you adopt, you have to realize that your family is no longer what it was. Your schedule will never be the same, your social life will never be the same, your relationship with your spouse will never be the same, your work schedule may change and you will have to change. You can't put all of the responsibility on the child. Also, you can love a child with all your heart and everything that is in you and you will never take away their past. Your adopted child's history and past will always be a part of them. You can help them accept their past, move forward and overcome obsticals but you can not erase their birth parents or make them forget. You can provide them with a wonderful, clean, spacious home with a beautifully decorated room, delicious food every meal, a pool in the back yard, the best schools, all the toys in the world and think that should be enough. It's not. These kids need involved parents, committed parents and parents who do not quit when it gets hard. If you are going to adopt, adopt. There should be no backing out.

Okay, its time for me to get off my soap box. I didn't mean for this post to turn into my own little forum. I really just wanted to provide some support and a "little" advice. I hope I didn't offend!

Jennifer

acrosaz · 11-28-2007, 02:37 AM

Thanks Jennifer, great suggestions!

Oomis · 11-29-2007, 02:42 PM

Jennifer - Thank you SO MUCH for that post. We have done a scrap book for the kids. Our caseworker forgot it yesterday but will be mailing it. Our visit went wonderful. We went to the park and played for about 2 hours. We all got along well. The kids just thought we were there to visit. The oldest is 5 and CPS told us they have not told her about what it going on. I am not too pleased with that becasue I think since she is almost 6 she will totally understand. She is a very bright little girl. They live almost 5 hours away so they are going ot come over for a weekend visit and then I think they will be placed with us. All three of them are a bundle of energy and too sweet. I can't wait to see them again.

Andrea- Have you met your new son yet?

anang · 11-29-2007, 03:04 PM

Oomis glad it went well.

zameira · 11-29-2007, 03:17 PM

Jennifer: That was a awesome post, we are getting things in place before we start the process of adoption and I have actually saved the info you posted, so that we may use it when we are ready for our adoption. Thank you

one-hit_wonder · 11-30-2007, 02:01 AM

Oomis: I'm so excited for you! That's awesome to hear!

acrosaz · 11-30-2007, 05:26 PM

Oomis - yay! That is so cool and I hope you get to see them again soon!

We are waiting on pins and needles for the phone call that our paperwork is approved, so that we can leave for Utah. It should come today or Monday. It's been very hard to wait, but we get to have phone contact and he has a scrapbook that he carries around and tells everyone about us. I am so ready for the next phase of this to begin!