Meltdown

Gnzls924 · 01-21-2005, 03:35 PM

Girls, I had another meltdown....this time at work.

I went back to work on Tuesday 1/18/04 after being off since I miscarried at the end of November. Everything seemed fine, but almost disturbing cause I felt like my pregnancy was just a dream. weird for me. I quickly realized that it actually happened by finding small reminders that were in my office. I think I was okay with seeing themâ€¦.just held them for a bit and put them in my bag to take home. But for the most part I was doing okay.

My meltdown came yesterday (Thursday) My boss was meeting with one of our brokers. Two women weâ€™ve known for years. The conference room is next to my office, so when their meeting finished, I could hear them making their goodbyes to my boss (small talk) at the reception desk. I could hear the conversation in my office. My boss realized that one woman was pregnant, and asked when she was due. It was a innocent question.

When the pregnant woman said â€œAprilâ€, I think I almost lost it. (That was when I was due.) I heard them leave the office, and I had this overwhelming feeling to just get up and look at her to see what she looked pregnant-wise. Through our glass front doors, I could see her belly protruding past her coat. The other woman waved at me. (Iâ€™ve known her for a long while.) And then they got on the elevator.

I walked out of the office and past the elevators to the bathroom. I just broke down in the bathroom stall. Once I was okay, I came back to the office, and my coworker wanted to discuss a project, but I told her I couldnâ€™t speak to her because of the lump in my throat. She understands the situation I am in, and promptly left me alone. I went to her about an hour later and told her what had happened.

When I left the office, I drove home (1 hour) in tears. Itâ€™s a miracle that I didnâ€™t get into an accident. My husband found me parked in the garage, crying. Then, he asked why I was crying. Which goes to show that men do not and cannot feel the loss the way that we do. I think about my baby ALL the time and itâ€™s been 8 weeks since he died.

I think I was freaked out by the overwhelming desire to look at this woman in her pregnant state given that we have the same due date month. I am constantly obsessed with knowing where my baby would be today if my pregnancy continued. I think this one just hit a little too close for home.

Esmeralda0328 · 01-21-2005, 04:57 PM

*hugs* I know it's hard. After my miscarriage I felt so horrible. I would look at pregnant women with kind of jealousy but just hurt that my baby wasn't here.

GabrielsMom · 01-21-2005, 05:25 PM

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you're talking about. I see pregnant people all the time, and I start guessing when they are due, wondering if they're due in April. It's some kind of self-torture, but I feel that I can't avoid it.

A coworker's wife just had a baby girl last night, at the hospital where Gabriel was born and died. It feels like a kick in the stomach to keep hearing about it. I wish I could be happy for them, but I just can't get over the sadness.

VivC · 01-21-2005, 07:33 PM

I still cry about Rivi, and it's been 3 and a half months. I can't check up on the girls in the January Due Date forum because last time I burst into tears. It's not that I don't want them to be okay, and have had great babies, I just keep remembering that I'm the only one from the thread that lost her Bunchkin.

I'm glad your coworker is supportive. I do better at work because a few of my coworkers are much easier to talk to than DH. And they didn't even know me when I was pregnant!

SheriKCMO · 01-21-2005, 09:47 PM

At eight weeks, I don't think I was capable of having a single thought that didn't have to do with my daughter. You are very strong to be back at work and communicating at all. I hope it gets easier every day, but it takes its own terribly long time! There will always be someone missing in our lives, and this early time is the worst for dealing with that fact. I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you can talk to us who TRULY understand. Please believe me that there are some brighter days down the road. We will probably have these dark ones from time to time throughout life, but I hope that they aren't so frequent!
Take care, my friend,
Sheri

Lorilee · 01-22-2005, 07:17 AM

I'm so sorry about your loss. All of us who've lost babies have had those moments. The grief can stay tender for a long time.
I have a friend whose son was born the same month mine was due. I've seen him grow the past 2 years. I love him, he's a darling, clever little boy, but sometimes I can't help but using him as sort of a guidepost for my mental images of how my son would be growing at that age.
It's so hard, isn't it? I don't begrudge my friend her healthy pregnancies (5 children, no mc's) and yet there's a poignancy there.

kwannabee · 01-23-2005, 10:57 AM

I just wanted to let you know that those meltdowns are okay...and they are so necessary...and that youre not alone ...

I agree you are strong to be back to work so soon...i was off almost 5 months cuz i couldnt leave my house...and working as a preschool teacher i couldnt face the children and their families...i felt like a failure and i was ashamed...and scared to death i'd fall apart there.

Which i did. About 3 weeks after i went back i had to re certify my first aid and cpr training...all of us sitting there giving mouth to mouth to little baby dummies...and the instructor started talking about the physical stages of death...and what you could see as its happening. Well i had seen them...i'd been holding my girls while it happened...and right there in front of my co-workers i completely fell apart...ran into the staff room and started hyperventilating...and trying hard to calm down but i couldnt. So when i read your story it just took me right back. Another teacher had lost a baby due to the same circumstances so she came after me and just hugged me while i sobbed....it was terrible

I dont think i've had a point lower then that...and not that it got better over night..but it gradually got easier to think of them without falling apart...but it took time. So feel what you feel...and get the hugs you need...and just hang in there. I know its hard.
Big big hugs to you cyster...

(i wish we had a hug smilie)