Miscarriage pain (WARNING: teen pregnancy mentioned)
Hey.
I am 16 years old. I had a miscarriage. Twins, in June. I was not even aware I was pregnant (no, not because I'm a whore, because I'm used to having period problems...) Sorry if that sounded harsh. But it needed to be said. I come to this site because I have PCOS and i am getting help. But there is something that has been breaking my heart around here. I keep hearing women mention teenage 'whores' who get pregnant. Girls who 'could not care about the baby, probably don't even know who the father was!' and, most painfully 'do not DESERVE it as much as I do.' I understand that yes, there are girls like that around. But the MAJORITY of teenage girls, (apologies if this is different where you live, I am going off my home) even the skanky ones care that they are pregnant. They may not want their baby. But they certainly care! I have never met or heard of a girl who was so off the rails she laughed a unwanted pregnancy off. I know girls who have had abortions, girls who have given birth at 16/17/18, but I am the only girl who lost her babies. I want them back. I. Want. Them. Back!!! My heart is shattered by this. So is the father's. I just...I understand that it's hard for some women with PCOS to fall pregnant, and that's a pain I cannot understand yet, but I just don't understand where some women get off claiming they deserve a child more than others. That's the word that's getting me. DESERVE. I am 16. Yeah, it would've been hard. But NO ONE in the WHOLE WORLD would have loved those babies like I would have. NO ONE would have been a better mummy to those babies than me. When I had the miscarriage, I came on here, typed out a long grevious message, paused; and deleted it. You know what? I was ashamed. After reading things I see on this site, I was terrified of the responses I would get. I was afraid I would be told it was for the better. Looking back now, that's very sad, isn't it? I felt like I was not worthy to share my grief here. So here I am now. I'm brave enough to say I lost them now. I'm so heartbroken; I just want my babies back. I'm very apologetic if this was offensive, I'm speaking out of grief as well. I just need to know my pain is as worthy as everyone elses.
You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power.
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i second what kzig said.
i'm very sorry you lost your two little babies and i hope that you never have to go through it again.
you cant listen to anyone who thinks that you are or other are young if you take responsibility for what has happened, whether planned or not, and clearly those babies were something that even though not planned, were something you wanted very badly and something you had, and lost.
i do not doubt that you would have been a great mother to them, i'm sure unlike "some" girls your age, posting on this site and seeing other ladies posts you would understand just what it means to have a baby, some women cannot or struggle so badly to conceive with this syndrome we have. and you were very fortunate.
although you miss what you dont have anymore, think about what this means to you, the postives.
you are so so young, and you were not even ttc and you managed to fall pregnant without anything, any help and that is a fantastic thing to know for you future when you do start actively trying.
i hope that you have plenty of support around you and can come from this a stronger person.
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Princess - I am so sorry for your loss. Your age is irrelevant to the loss you are experiencing. I am sure you would have done everything possible to take care of your babies.
As for the women saying they "deserve" it more...I don't think they mean "deserve" - I think it's more of a "why not me?" I can understand your anger, but here's a little bit of how the "other side" feels - I pray that you never have to go through the struggles of dealing with infertility as many of us on these boards are dealing with. It is a daily roller coaster ride filled with anxiety, hope, anticipation and heartbreak that goes on for months and even years. So, for us to hear that someone (no matter their age) has an "oops I'm pregnant," is difficult. Multiply that by hearing it is a teenager who is not ready emotionally or financially makes it even harder. I'm not saying teen mothers don't love their babies - it's just hard to hear when there are all these mothers with the resources (whether it's money, childcare, home etc) waiting (and waiting) to be blessed with a child and then a teenager just "gets pregnant." Makes us realize that life just isn't fair.
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Hey.
I am 16 years old. I had a miscarriage. Twins, in June. I was not even aware I was pregnant (no, not because I'm a whore, because I'm used to having period problems...) Sorry if that sounded harsh. But it needed to be said. I come to this site because I have PCOS and i am getting help. But there is something that has been breaking my heart around here. I keep hearing women mention teenage 'whores' who get pregnant. Girls who 'could not care about the baby, probably don't even know who the father was!' and, most painfully 'do not DESERVE it as much as I do.' I understand that yes, there are girls like that around. But the MAJORITY of teenage girls, (apologies if this is different where you live, I am going off my home) even the skanky ones care that they are pregnant. They may not want their baby. But they certainly care! I have never met or heard of a girl who was so off the rails she laughed a unwanted pregnancy off. I know girls who have had abortions, girls who have given birth at 16/17/18, but I am the only girl who lost her babies. I want them back. I. Want. Them. Back!!! My heart is shattered by this. So is the father's. I just...I understand that it's hard for some women with PCOS to fall pregnant, and that's a pain I cannot understand yet, but I just don't understand where some women get off claiming they deserve a child more than others. That's the word that's getting me. DESERVE. I am 16. Yeah, it would've been hard. But NO ONE in the WHOLE WORLD would have loved those babies like I would have. NO ONE would have been a better mummy to those babies than me. When I had the miscarriage, I came on here, typed out a long grevious message, paused; and deleted it. You know what? I was ashamed. After reading things I see on this site, I was terrified of the responses I would get. I was afraid I would be told it was for the better. Looking back now, that's very sad, isn't it? I felt like I was not worthy to share my grief here. So here I am now. I'm brave enough to say I lost them now. I'm so heartbroken; I just want my babies back. I'm very apologetic if this was offensive, I'm speaking out of grief as well. I just need to know my pain is as worthy as everyone elses.
I know your post is about what I posted about my husbands just turned 15 year old cousin who announced she's pregnant you've quoted it almost word for word. I stand by what I said she DOES NOT deserve that child, and she DOES NOT care about the child she is pregnant with. Period. I tried hard, and long to have this baby, that I'm sitting here miscarrying as I write this, and she doesn't remember the night of conception because she was so DRUNK and HIGH. Perhaps she'll have the baby in jail, she has a warrant out for her arrest. Is a 15 year old equipt to handle a baby . No.. She can't even get a job because yet she's gonna have a baby.. I don't think so. She's not emotionally stable enough to even understand the gravity of what she has done. Her daily life revolves around telling everyone to f- off and worrying about where the next dime bag is coming from. Will she be sad if she looses the baby.. probably not, all the sooner she can go back to her habitual drug and alchohol usage.
I'm so sorry for your loss and frankly, feel the need to applaud you for being so mature in your writing. Thank you for proving that not all teenagers are illiterate skanks. I have no doubt that there are people out there who make terrific parents, regardless of age. My mother herself was only 17 when my sister was born after all.
That said, there are other people out there who are the other side of the coin, people who really don't deserve what fate's handed to them and I suppose a lot of us get bitter about that.
I admit, it's hard when I see women drinking and smoking while pregnant, eating crap food etc while I did all I could do, ate healthy and live a healthy drug free life yet still lost my little one thanks to my own birth defects. *sigh* it isn't fair, life isn't fair...
Still, don't feel ashamed to express your grief. You have every RIGHT to grieve as all of us do. Judgement shouldn't be passed on age or class alone but rather on many factors.
You know, I get some FILTHY looks myself, I have a near two year old and ok, i'm 23.. but I look about 16. I wondered why people gave me such odd looks till a couple of people solved the mystery by asking me how old I was! Ahh well.
Anyway, I think I did have a point but I lost it somewhere.
You have my condolances, no matter who you are and what your circumstances, miscarriage always SUCKS
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I know your post is about what I posted about my husbands just turned 15 year old cousin who announced she's pregnant you've quoted it almost word for word. I stand by what I said she DOES NOT deserve that child, and she DOES NOT care about the child she is pregnant with. Period. I tried hard, and long to have this baby, that I'm sitting here miscarrying as I write this, and she doesn't remember the night of conception because she was so DRUNK and HIGH. Perhaps she'll have the baby in jail, she has a warrant out for her arrest. Is a 15 year old equipt to handle a baby . No.. She can't even get a job because yet she's gonna have a baby.. I don't think so. She's not emotionally stable enough to even understand the gravity of what she has done. Her daily life revolves around telling everyone to f- off and worrying about where the next dime bag is coming from. Will she be sad if she looses the baby.. probably not, all the sooner she can go back to her habitual drug and alchohol usage.
I just have to quickly say I actually was not referring to your post, which i only glanced over because I did not want to read it and possibly get my feelings hurt. If i quoted you, it was purely a coincidence and I do apologize for making you feel that I was singling you out. I certainly was not, and I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am sending every possible prayer I can muster up to God that you get your baby. However, from what I read in your post, I stand by what I said. No, your husband's cousin will most likely not be a wonderful mother (at least not at first) But you cannot possibly know what is going through someone else's mind with something as horrific as miscarriage. She may not want the kid right now, but you don't know that she would not grieve the loss. Yeah, she sounds like a right little brat, but that doesn't mean she would not mourn her child if she lost it. Miscarriage is one of the most horrible things there is, and I do not think it is fair to claim it would not affect her. This is just my take on what I have read, I could be wrong but I'd like to have faith she'll step up and become a great mummy. I have suffered the consequences of drug abuse, and it can really f**k your head up. I pray she gets the help she needs, and really steps up to the plate.
You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power.
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Princess - I am so sorry for your loss! I lost 14-week twins in June, so I know exactly how you are feeling. And personally, I think your age is irrelevant when trying to cope with pregnancy loss. If you wanted your babies and you lost them, it is devastating. (((HUGS)))
Dianna
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Thank you so much ladies. I am sitting here with tears on my cheeks lol. I genuinely was expecting backlash. This is the first time I have actually told anyone except the father and obviously doctors. It is extremely difficult to let go but in a way it's freeing to know there is support out there. And to the lady who pointed this out to me, I never thought of it that way. You're right, it is oddly comforting to know I'm not infertile. (We used a condom and it still happened...) It's nice to know not all hope is lost. Thank you so much for all the support. It means more than I can ever possibly put into words to know that strangers don't just look with disgust they can also be very understanding and supportive. This one thread, on a internet FORUM, has in a way changed my life a little. Thanks for restoring my faith a little. One day at a time ladies, one day at a time (Good Lord I sound like such a tool lol)
You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power.
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Hugs to you - I'm sorry that you're just now feeling comfortable enough to share your pain. Nobody deserves to grieve in silence. I know from my experience with loss that your pain may soften with time, but that grief from losing your babies is never gone.
Professionally, I have worked a lot with teenage parents and although some of them were not able to develop the maturity needed to be a good parent, others were extremely devoted to their children and with a little education and support were some of the best parents that you could find. The same can be said for some of my friends in their 30's.
I think that all of us who have struggled with loss and IF have had moments where we've felt angry and betrayed when someone else announces a pregnancy who doesn't want or appreciate ("deserve"?) the pregnancy. Personally I've felt extremely upset with someone I know - not a teenager - who couldn't be bothered to take prenatal vitamins (just didn't feel like it) and is now blatantly ignoring her doctor's advice to be on bedrest because "it's boring". She frequently talks about wanting to "get this kid out and be done with this crap"...and she's only about 24 weeks.
Anyway, I'm sorry that people here on SC have made you feel that you didn't love your babies or mourn for their loss. I hope that slowly, over time, you can continue to heal and find comfort when you need it. You were only able to hold onto their lives for a short time, but for the rest of your life you will mother them in your heart.
Last edited by justagirlgirlgirl; 09-15-2008 at 05:19 PM.
Princess I am so sorry for your loss. I was 19 when I had my first child and unfortunately her father died in a car accident before she was even born. I can remember feeling the shame of people looking down upon me because I was not married, young and a single parent. Since then I have had 3 losses due to m/c and an ectopic pregnancy. I you will heal both physically & emotionally and know we are all here for you I think that now you know you have PCOS you can talk to your doc so that when you are ready to conceive again medical precautions can be taken. I did not get diagnosed with PCOS till last year and I am 33.
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i just wanted you to know that i dont think age is a factor. i think its maturity level. i have a VERY close friend of mine who got pregnant and she loves that lil boy more than anything or anybody in the world. unfortunately the father died in april in a horrific car accident that killed another boy, left one in intensive care to this day, and another who will never be the same emotionally. he was like a lil brother to me and i know if he were here he would love his baby with all his might. my friend is 17, her boyfriend was 18. she is attending her senior year in high school and excelling while maintaining a part time job to support her and lt. also, my mother was a teenage mom, and she did a great job in my opinion! she was 16 when she got pregnant and 17 when she had me. she graduated with honors from high school and has given me a wonderful life! my bio father not so much. he was the type that could care less especially since i wasnt a boy. but that goes to show the maturity level matters more than age. i just wanted you to know i am here to support you and if you ever need to talk vent or just bored, feel free to pm me. =)
Wow, ladies, Thank you so much for all this support. Thank you very much for trusting me with these stories, I know they must be extremely hard to open up about. It is inspirational to me to know that some of you actually know teenagers who have had success stories. I don't know why, but that comforts me. Anita, I am so sorry for your losses, but you are a huge source of inspiration to me. I admire and respect you so much. I hope I can learn to be as mature and accepting as you are one day. Kryssy, that is a beautiful story, what a wonderful friend you have there! mountains of respect for her. And also, it's lovely to hear from someone who actually had a teenage mother. It comforts me to know if they had lived, I might have been a successful parent. Everyone, thank you for your understanding and for being so respectful to my situation. Also, thanks for saying I'm mature, (if you knew me you'd realize what a huge compliment that is) I wish you all healthy, happy babies and I commend all of you for coping so wonderfully.
You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power.
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Miscarriage pain (WARNING: teen pregnancy mentioned) 
(Good Lord I sound like such a tool lol)
you will heal both physically & emotionally and know we are all here for you 
I think that now you know you have PCOS you can talk to your doc so that when you are ready to conceive again medical precautions can be taken. I did not get diagnosed with PCOS till last year and I am 33.
