 Mom Wannabe Poem - by rebekahmichel
posted 10-22-2001 02:09 PM
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This isn't my poem actually but it's so beautiful I couldn't resist posting it. Whenever I feel the need for a good cry I pull this one out and take my time, it makes me feel better to have a good cry once in a while
A MOM WANNABE
I want to be a mom. But I cant. Instead, Im a mom wannabe.
I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I cant. Instead, a Doctor, a laboratory and a test tube will try to assist God with our conception.
I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see the + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news wed discover. But I cant. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.
I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the pregnant glow I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I cant. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I dont buy clearance clothes for next year, just in case. I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.
I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctors visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I cant. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone Ive never met.
I want to hear the Doctor say, You are pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule. But I cant. Instead I hear: I am sorry Lets try one more cycle Technology is really improving.
I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my family and friends our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You are Expecting. But I cant. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasnt changed in years. I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden.
I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. But I cant. Instead, I take the injections. I give blood. I watch my eggs grow and pray they fertilize. My embryos are transferred, while my husband watches our conception from across the room. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse.
I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby?uture. But I cant. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on Doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.
I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I cant. Instead I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes.
I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I cant. Instead I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined.
I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth thinking, We did it! but knowing that God did it. But I cant. Instead I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God?lan is for us and why we have to go through this.
I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us.
Written by: Allison Kathleen Whitney
*here's a hanky*
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Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches on the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never fades at all -Emily Dickinson | 
