The Monster is Back...

nature05 · 09-27-2005, 10:42 AM

It feels like the monster of depression is back.......
Almost two years ago, i had ovarian drilling because my dh and i were ttc. They surgery went well!! It releaved a lot of my symptoms and i started feeling human again! I had a smile on my face, and felt good about myself. by this time of course, most of friends had moved on since i pushed them away. Then i began to realize that my marriage was not a good thing....we split up. I felt great being on my own...i knew it would be short lived....but i made the most of it. I've started a new relationship with someone, that is better for me, and have more in common with...things have been okay, despite, moving, money and jobs...blah blah

For the past few weeks....i can feel the depresion and anxiety creeping back up....i tried to puch it away...but i just can't now! I have no desire to get out of bed and go to work (where i should be now). Fighing with my dbf, and just pushing life away......i get bad aniexity about going to wal-mart or the grocery store, because it feels like everyone is watching me, and passing judgement, and that i'm a horrible perosn. Someone that my bf works with made the comment to him of .." does she always look that unhappy"? and that was on a good day!! I have to acknowledge that there's something, so i can fix it!! My doctor last time didn't want to put me on any anti-depressants...because of the hormones causing most of it....

I've been reading lots of the posts in here, now i'm sitting here crying, because i can identify with so many of you!! I have no support what so ever from family......my mom is a nurse, and never knows when to turn that off, and just be a mother! I've been nothing but a constant disapointment to my father all my life. It's also his birthday today, and i just stress out more because i have to call him......

This monster almost cost me my job before. and relationships..i can't let it happen again!! Work is so stressfull. Cutbacks, everyone is doing way more than they should, and we're all burning out.......just the thought of all the work i have to do today, gets me all worked up...
I live in a small town, with a huge doctor shortage....i think it's going to be impossible to get in to see one...but i'm going to try today! I feel guilty taking today off. But i'm home alone, and can focus on my thoughts. I will hopefully be able to get a hold of one of my co-workers...and let her know a little what s going on...i don't even think i have sick days left......dbf and i are not talking...and i don't even know why.....i want to be able to put a smile on my face..and i deserve it!!....why is it so hard??

I'm sorry for the long rant...sometimes the easiest way to get it all out is to type.....and believe me i could keep going....

If anyone out there is comfortable about chatting about this..i would appreciate it...

nature

Gunnie · 09-27-2005, 10:49 AM

You hang in there girlfriend, and take it one step at a time. You won't get everything done today but you can start. Try and get that Dr. appt. and then move on to the next task. Can you call your father early today and get it over with? Worrying about it all day won't help you feel better. If you can get those 2 things done right away, I think you will start feeling better. When I start feeling the way that you do, I usually want to sleep a lot. Then when I get sick of that, I start getting that little bit of extra energy to start getting things done. Just don't overwhelm yourself today, but take care of the "must do" stuff ASAP so you can relax a little and not feel so much pressure. We're here for you!

snappleheaven · 09-27-2005, 10:53 AM

Okay, take a really deep breath. There, now, I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been where you are, I know what you're feeling. It sucks. Believe me, I know.
I have left groceries in the middle of an aisle and gone running out of the store, I've gotten into my car thinking, I can do this, only to sit on the driveway and cry.
There is absolutely no shame is this. It's a disease that you have to work at to overcome.
Easy for me to say right - wrong. I work at it everyday God sends. Somedays are good, some are better and some are downright bad - but mostly good.
I sought help from my GP, who prescribed an anti-depressant (Cipralex) and gave me a list of counsellors in my area.
The pills took about 3 weeks to start to work. But the therapy worked almost immediately.
I think you should find a doctor who will give you a script for an anti-depressant. Even a mild one like mine. And I think you need to see a counsellor/therapist to help you work through some of your issues.

PCOS sucks, and all that is brings with is sucks too! I had been suffering from depression long before my dx.
Hang in there

PM me if you want.

Snapple

nature05 · 09-27-2005, 11:18 AM

Thank you.....

bluenile · 09-27-2005, 01:25 PM

I hope this wil be of any help, but I'm not very good with words, so don't get mad at me pleaseeee!
When I'm down I think of Oscar Wilde's saying " Oh the courage to be a bird! It staying on the line singing happyly, and doesn't know it will die of frost, and doesn't even compain about it". The conclusion: no matter what happens, today is today and it has beutiful things in it. The world won't stop if you don't do our chores or if you took a day off from work. I try to look at thing with "new" eyes, I drive around the neigborhood and look at houses and people's life like if I just moved here, I watch a movie and bask in my laziness, the coffe table is full of wrappers and cans and I say: "I'm in highschool mode again". I think about war zones and sick unfortunate humans, and I say: there is nothing to worry about, the only thing I should worry about is not to miss the fall beauty this year.
This morning I woke up, and it smelled of fall. I was so happy!!! Sometimes I look at my Dh sleeping and think : how lucky I am. ( Let me wake him up and let him know that lol nooooo).
It is hard not to stress over things when the monster shows up!!! Medication is of great importance when severily depressed, I don't pretend o say it will go away, goes we know it is not the flu. What I am trying to say is that sometimes we just don't see the good things because we are right in the middle of it. maybe all those people at WalMart are looking at you and wondering : Why is she shopping for? maybe she is here to cook a great dinner for her DBF, or get a pretty dress or prepare for a weekend BBQ?
Again, if this is all blubber, and if I didn't make any sense please forgive me

Walk tall, look at the sky

Blue

nature05 · 09-28-2005, 12:25 PM

I'm soooo excited...i finally got a dr. appt. for this pm at the day clinic!! It felt like i won the lottery!!
It's a female, so hopefully she will be a little more understanding!
I really didn't want to go to the er...i would have felt totally stupid!!
DBF will take me, even though he has to work nights tonight with no sleep.

I've also got hives on me today...anybody else have that when they crash???

I will update everyone when i get back from the doctor's - thank you!

Nature

MrsQuinn · 09-28-2005, 01:20 PM

I just want you to know that I've been in your shoes as well, and for the very first time, I'm realizing that. At my worst, before I was put on Zoloft, my life was spiraling out of control.

I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't talk to people, all I wanted to do was sleep because that was the only time I felt released. I pushed my friends away, and I pushed my husband away. I pushed him so far away that we ended up in counseling 6 months after we were married because we were on the verge of divorce. I couldn't understand what was happening, we'd been together for 5 years and nothing like this ever happened before, I'd never been jealous of him going out or having female friends because I knew he loved me and I knew he wouldn't cheat on me. Anyway, it was at that point we started counseling and the counselor suggested I go to my GP and get a script for Zoloft. The day I started taking Zoloft was the first day back to a life that I recognized. I was happy again and smiling and was able to enjoy myself. I know alot of people don't believe depression is an actual medical condition, but it is and just like any other medical condition, sometimes you need medicine for it. Taking Zoloft is the best thing I've ever done for myself, and I think if you get a script from the doctor you're going to see, it will be just as good for you. Keep trying to keep your head up. It's a long hard road sometimes, but it can't be done!

oaktreegirl · 09-28-2005, 01:58 PM

nature, I know how you feel. Depression can be so difficult to deal with. The plus side is that this time you recognized the problem early, which help a lot in dealing with it. Don't feel at all guilty about taking a day off work when you need it. You're doing the right thing by looking after yourself.
I'm so glad you got a doctor's appointment. Let us know how it goes!

coree · 09-28-2005, 02:02 PM

Sounds to me like these ladies have all given you sound advice. I just wanted to add my vote to going on anti depressants, it saved me.

Coree

Beachy · 09-28-2005, 04:29 PM

I can totally relate too. I hope everything goes well with your apt today. I was searching boards today and someone posted this. Something a little for the anxiety.

a couple tips to deal with fear

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These are a few things that I picked up along the way to deal with fears.
1. Stay in the present. When you look in the past, you get depressed, when you look in the future, you get anxious. Look at what's going on around you right now, enjoy the now, don't worry about the future. Take time to enjoy what you are doing right now, don't think about in five minutes something might happen. Right now I'm eating breakfast or I'm watching tv, I don't care what happens in 10 minutes, right now I'm fine and I'm happy.
2. Stay positive. Don't worry about what might happen. Probably what you fear will never ever happen, so why worry about it. If it does, then deal with it then. And also, what you fear is never as bad as you think it will be, the fear is always worse than the actual thing you fear. Instead of thinking about that might posibly, probably won't go wrong, think about what probably will go right. Change your whole thinking around, look at what might go right today, not what might go wrong.
3. Know that these fears can't hurt you. Don't fear the fear. A panic attack, or fear of anxiety coming on means nothing. These are feelings that will pass in time and are NOT dangerous.
4. Stop thinking it. Simple, yes, but very difficult to do. When you get this fear in your head, push it out, think about something else, don't dwell on it. If you dwell, your mind will start to think about all the possible ways it might happen, the results of it, the more time you spend thinking about it, the worse it will be. Think about something else, distract yourself as soon as it enters your head. Go for a bike ride or play with your dog, just something.
5. Try replacing the thought with something funny and outrageous. I used to be afraid of going crazy, a common fear with anxiety sufferers. So I thought about how ridiculous that was. OK, yeah right, like they're really going to come and put me in a straight jacket and take me away. I'd be the first person to be locked up for anxiety ever. It's anxiety, it's not dangerous. This is a ridiculous thought I'm having. I've been afraid of going crazy everyday for how long now? And how many times have I gone crazy? Let me see, none, never. It's not going to happen. It's almost funny how stupid this thought is. Can I really see myself being taken away? No. That's the worst thing that could happen, but it's also the thing that is most likely to never ever ever happen. So why dwell on something that has a chance of 1 in a billion.
6. Face the fear. Don't run away from your fears, it gives them power. Look it dead in the eye and see it is nothing. There really is nothing to fear. Nothing is going to hurt you. Don't fear it coming on, just relax, float with these feeling and see they are nothing. It's like the monster in your closet, he wasn't really there but you didn't know that until you opened that door and proved to yourself you were afraid of a coat on a rack! You couldn't sleep and you suffered because of a fear of something that wasn't real. Face it and see it has no power. When you're having an anxiety attack, kick back relax, and just go with it. See that this panic attack isn't hurting you, you're having it right now and nothing is wrong, you've had it before and nothing went wrong. So don't spend the rest of your day being afraid of it, it's nothing. Anxiety can't hurt you. Every time you face your fears, you grow stronger. So look forward to anxiety attacks, they're an opportunity to get better! And when you change that thinking around, from fearing an attack to looking forward to it, they won't even happen anymore, it's a beautiful thing.

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nature05 · 09-28-2005, 05:55 PM

Well i'm back from the appt. I think it went okay. I have restless leg syndrome...lol sounds funny. So she's checking my iron for that.
And for the depression/anxiety she prescribed Mirtazapine 30mg. Starting off with 1/4 tablet....also to help me sleep, but may cause drowsiness during the day....just what i need. The pharmasist sugested that i wait till the weekend to try it, and that it should only take a week to kick in.

Anybody else on this???

Feeling a little releaved...and hopefully i can start feeling better. I don't want to go back to work..but i have to. I have one weeks holidays left. I think i'll wait till i'm feeling better, and treat myself!! I love fall, hopefully i feel better before the snow flies!

Thanks to everyone

Nature

MrsQuinn · 09-29-2005, 10:05 AM

I'm so glad you're feeling better. I aboslutely think you should take the time off if it's available to you, but don't sit on the couch, make sure you get out of the house!

nature05 · 09-29-2005, 12:39 PM

Well, that was my first night on mirtazapine/remeron, lucky think i didn't try to go to work!
It knocked me out so hard....i'm still feeling pretty fuzzy and out of it. I called a co-worker to let her know that i was okay, but trying to adjust to the meds...she didn't even know it was me!

Too bad i couldn't go in today, there's a presentation on mood disorders this afternoon. It would have been interesting. There's a few people in the ofice dealing with burnout. Some drink, divorce or are depressed.

In the past five years there has been 6 divorces, with two reconciliations. And one or two people that like to drink a lot.....

I've been thinking about a new career. I love the job, hate all the crap associated with it.!!
But with dbf starting a new job, and only being part time it is out of the question for now....how knows right?? I need to feel like my head isn't in the clouds first!!!

Nature

oaktreegirl · 09-29-2005, 04:39 PM

I'm glad your appointment went well, nature. Hopefully, you will adjust to the new medicines soon.