A month later and i'm still dying inside

kringstraw · 05-23-2006, 04:46 AM

It was a month Sunday since I lost my boys. I'm still in shock I think. Sometimes I feel like I dreamt the whole thing and I was really never even pregnant. I look at my maternity clothes still hanging in my closet and at the stretch marks and dark line on my stomach and it hits home that it really did happen.

We picked up the cd's with their pictures today. I can't seem to stop crying. I look at the pictures and the desire to hold them is overwhelming. I miss them so much it physically hurts and I cant breathe.

I had a pp checkup today and the doctor said i'm physically healed and we can do the fet in a couple of months. He wants me to see a psychiatrist first though because he's worried how i'll handle another pregnancy. We only have 1 embie frozen and it took to day 6 to make it to blast, so I worry it wont take or even survive the thaw. Part of me feels guilty for even looking ahead it feels like i'm betraying the boys or just casting their loss to the side. Still there is this desperation I feel to be pregnant again.

I feel so empty, so lost, and so deserted by God. I can't get the grief SHARE ppl to call me back and the psychiatrist my ob/gyn referred me to can't see me until June 20th. Twice this week i've taken my sleeping pills with alcohol (and i'm a non pill taker non drinker). I feel like i'm spiralling out of control and i'm asking for help, but non is forthcoming.

My sympathy and prayers for all the other mothers going or have gone through this.

p.s. i didn't proofread, i'm not in the best state of mind and it's too painful to even read what I wrote

enits · 05-23-2006, 04:59 AM

I'm so so sorry

I wish I lived near you so we could go on walks together and talk about things. I felt the same way as you did last year when I lost my little girl at almost 18 weeks. The feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness were so overwhelming. Up until now I cry and think about her. I should be planning her first birthday party in July, but instead she's not here.

Anyway, I'd be delighted to exchange emails with you if you need to "vent" to someone personally. While you're waiting for your psychiatrist appointment, try to do some things to occupy yourself. Go on walks, clean out your closets, read books (I read a lot of books on grief / miscarriage /getting pregnant as well as chick-lit books), or go on dates with DH (the zoo, museum - doesn't have to cost a lot). Also, stay away from NEGATIVE people! I eliminated negative people from my life after my miscarriage.

(((hugs)))

nicole47 · 05-23-2006, 05:19 AM

*hug*

I am so sorry for your losses. I think it is very difficult for people to understand exactly the pain and grief unless one has gone through a similar loss. Losing children is the most horrible thing I can imagine.

I'm sorry it is taking so long to see a doctor. It is hardest especially when you need to see one for emotional reasons. What helped me when I was on a waitlist was to call up the office and ask if there was any reading I could do while waiting-- it wasn't as good as actually seeing a therapist, but it helped me to feel like I was moving forward, doing something positive. (And it helped me better understand utilize the therapy once I actually started, so it wasn't time wasted.)

The fact that you're asking for help means that you're ready to start healing. God has not abandoned you-- God doesn't take babies away, He cares for them in Heaven and helps us get through the grief. We will always love our lost babies and we will never forget them, but through His help and the help of others (like the wonderful women on this board), and with time, we can go back to living again. Looking ahead is not betraying anybody. Your children in Heaven want you to be happy.

Please keep posting. From your post I can tell you are a deeply caring woman who is hurting a great deal, and I worry.

Indira · 05-23-2006, 05:30 AM

I was hesitant to write but here I am. I know that a lot of people don't want "us with kids" on this thread but I feel like I need to let you know that I care.

I'm really sorry for your loss, I hope that you don't take those pills with alcohol anymore. Please don't do it again.

(((hugs)))

with love
indira

Shawna@PHM · 05-23-2006, 05:45 AM

((hugs)) Please call the psych dr's office and tell them that you are feeling really down and cant wait until June 20th. You need help now,not later. I'm absolutely positive that they have emergency psych time slots and can squeeze you in.

Do they have a therapist you can see also? I know I'm seeing a therapist once a week,and the DR once a month. I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins. Grieve for your twins but dont ever feel like you are betraying them for wanting to be pg again. It's only natural. I hope you can get the help you need soon. Heck, if you want me to I'll call for you and demand they see you. Anything I can do to help you out please let me know. I know you dont know me but I just feel so tore up that you're hurting so and feel alone in this.

DiamondInTheRough · 05-23-2006, 05:56 AM

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are going through. Is there a Help/Distress line that you can call? They are often 24-hour lines, and you can talk to a person trained in grief counselling. You can keep your annonymity, and have the full attention of the person on the other line.

DagsinRed · 05-23-2006, 05:57 AM

kringstraw - I feel so bad for you! I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. You are much stronger than me - I was afraid to get pregnant again for almost a year.

I too would love to email with you and talk as much as possible. I know what you mean about the support networks just not working. Please feel free to email me (i'll pm you my email address) and we can share as much or as little as you want.

I am praying for you

05-23-2006, 09:09 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I think its a normal reaction to a horrible event. Drink & sleeping pills I have done, it's a form of self medication. An attempt to ease the pain. But you are right, it helps in the short term but not the long term. You start a spiral that gets harder to get out from.

In Australia we have a 24 hour helpline number, and a significant event like yours would prompt a priority visit with a psychologist (at most a 2 or 3 day wait). Can you perhaps contact the office & explain you really don't feel like you can cope & can you have an emergency appointment even for half an hour?

Otherwise try what Nicole said & get some reading material, that will help you feel like you are doing something & also may help you feel like you are not alone & reassure you that your reaction is normal. You are grieving.

Alternatively, when you feel the pain don't try to escape it. Instead acknowledge your pain. Acknowledge that it feels terrible & ask yourself how can I best take care of me & this pain? Alcohol is probably not the best way. Perhaps a walk where you study your surroundings carefully to lose yourself in the outside world might help? Or meditation which is just sitting quietly & focusing on your own breathing. Just try to take good care of yourself, even little things like a bath or an icecream or a feel good movie. It will not make the pain go away but it may slightly ease your level of pain. It may just distract you for a short time. But its something.

And remember there are plenty of cysters on here that will continue to "talk" with you or who you can PM. Writing it all out can sometimes help.

Amavin · 05-23-2006, 04:30 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please tell the psychiatrists that you need to see them sooner rather than later. It may seem like a waste of time, but it really did help me. just to be able to tell someone who wouldn't judge you and who had your best interest at heart helped, someone who actually understood the process your mind and heart is going through.

Don't feel like you are betraying the boys. They loved you and they would want you to heal and be as good of a mom to your new baby as you were to them. I honestly believe that. I feel like my little girl is watching me and encouraging me to get my life together so I can be the best mom I can be to my future baby.

I know you feel empty, and I know you feel like void is so huge you are just going to fall in....nothing could ever fill it. I'm not going to tell you time will make it all better, and someday you'll be skipping down the road without a care in the world, I still feel the loss from my little girl....but it DID get easier. Cling to those who love you right now, and don't EVER be ashamed to cry....and don't ever let anyone tell you to get over it. You grieve as long as you need to grieve, but don't feel guilty for WANTING to move forward.

you are not alone, and if you need to talk, or vent, or an e-hug. PM me.

Countrygirl81 · 05-24-2006, 06:44 PM

kringstraw.. try going to www.nationalshareoffice.com they have someone you can email there and they also have a message board full of some awesomely great ladies who've helped me with my losses!

NicoleP · 05-24-2006, 07:00 PM

I am so sorry for your losses. I am not sure of your back story as I am new to this site, but I hope the best for you and reading this post brought tears to my eyes as I felt your pain.

lovepotato · 05-24-2006, 07:19 PM

I'm so sorry.
I agree with what the other ladies said about calling and trying to make an appt for sooner. You need to see someone now, and they should try to get you an appt as soon as possible.
I lost my son in December, and afterwards I was trying to figure out how my life was supposed to go. I was supposed to spend this year with a new baby, not trying to grief the loss of my first and try to get pg again. I was having trouble with trying again. I felt like I was betraying Eric. But now I think that he wants me to be happy. He doesn't want me to put my life on hold b/c I lost him. I think he lets me know that it's okay to be happy with another baby. The next baby will be just as much mine as Eric was, and just as special.
It's okay to be devastated and lost, and confused. There's nothing wrong with it. It's also okay for us to be happy again, and I think our babies want us to be.
I also bought a lot of chick-lit. Sometimes it's nice to read something that just doesn't matter. It's nice to get away from everything.
If you go have a church or another place of worship, you could see about talking to someone through them. I started going to a new church after I had Eric, and I met a woman who had a stillborn like me. I've met a lot of women who I think really care about me.
You could also plant a garden or a tree or something. I don't know if it's your cup of tea, but it feels good to be able to watch something grow, and know you had a part in it. I planted a tree, and now I'll plant a garden around it. Eventually I'll buy a bench so I can sit under the tree I bought for Eric.

I'm sorry again, and I'll be thinking of you.

SheriKCMO · 05-24-2006, 09:30 PM

lots of hugs! i am still hurting badly after two and a half years, so those early days are obviously excruciating. you are not alone, and you deserve to feel better, just give yourself time and allow people to help you.

Gnzls924 · 05-25-2006, 12:04 AM

Kerri,

I am so sorry about the loss of your boys, and the torment you are going through now. I've been there, I know exactly what you are going through. Please know that the days will get better as you go along through your grief. It has been over 1 1/2 years since I lost my son, Matthew. Even today there are times that i just do not want to go on. But I know my baby wouldn't want to see me like that. He would be upset knowing that I was not on the road to recovery. I do allow myself to cry and be mad. I try to pull myself together as best as I can. I, too, have a hard time believing that I was pregnant (by miracle) and that I had a wonderful gift from God, and now he's gone. But trust me, it will get better.

I had the same feelings about God. It has taken me a while to say that I am grateful that God gave me Matthew, if for only a short time. Although there are people that say I must "get over it." I simply ask them if they could do the same with their living children. I further explain to them that "this" is not something you get over. You life is forever changed and you learn to live with it every day. I have come to realize that for people who have not gone through a loss like ours...they truly do not understand.

Now, Ms. Kerri, you know that the sleeping pills and alcohol are a "no-no!!" So stop that right this minute! Please know that there are women here who understand what you are going through. And one day, through your experience you will be able to help someone else. I never thought I would be able to after my loss...but here I am...here for you...Sending you a big Hug!

Please know that we are here for you always.

VivC · 05-25-2006, 12:37 AM

((Kerri)). On the Christmas Day after Rivi died, I was prepared to kill myself. A miracle kept me from going through with it, though. I know the pain you're feeling. PLEASE don't do anything to hurt yourself! We all understand what you're going through. I wish I could give you hugs on an as-needed basis.

Call the psych's office and tell them that you're having suicidal thoughts. If they don't get you in ASAP, call your regular doc and get a referral to a different psych. You don't have to feel this way - you'll always love and miss your boys, but someday you WILL have hope again.

((hugs again)),

Viv