The Moon is Your Cradle....June-August - Page 5

annem84 · 07-10-2009, 06:09 PM

Alicia--you are getting so close--doesn't seem possible that you are 37 weeks already--congrats on the girl!

kentbird · 07-10-2009, 09:57 PM

Alicia -i really hope if i try again someone know what im on about with progesterone as i really think itd help, but my doctors are dumb!!! My how close are you!!! youll be cuddling a little one very soon xxx bet you cant wait xxx

Adrianne - i LOVE the tattoo pic honey, soooooo want a tattoo now xxx

hey everyone else xxxx

TDoern · 07-11-2009, 05:00 PM

I'm hoping to maybe hang out here for a little bit. My husband and I lost our son Christopher at 22 weeks on July 4th due to incompetent cervix. He was born still born after they induced me. His water bag was hanging a large amount into my vagina and had moved farther out since I was admitted and his fluid level was only at a 7, and all the signs were showing I had an infection (temps going up and blood count too). Right now I think the two of us are doing as well as any two people can be under the circumstances.

My biggest problem right now is the fact that no matter how hard I try I really feel that it was my fault. It was my body that let this happen. I get that I couldn't control it, but if I wasn't in the picture it wouldn't have happened. All I can think is that it was my body that killed my child.

We'd been trying for a baby for eight years, and after gastric bypass surgery and losing 150 pounds we conceived naturally - and people keep saying "at least now you know you can get pregnant" and "you'll have another child someday". How do you find the strength to try again? I had just finally started breathing easier when I hit the 1/2 way point in the pregnancy thinking God was really going to let me have this child, and then this. I can't help but wonder if my getting pregnant was a fluke and this is His way of saying I'm not meant to have children.

I want a child, and I keep telling myself the same things they are saying - at least I was able to get pregnant, and that we will get pregnant again. Hubby and I both want to start trying again as soon as we are allowed to but I'm scared to death. Right now I'm just trying to make it through this minute, I can't think farther ahead than that, I have no idea how I would do this again. I know about the cerclage and that it should help carry the baby to term, but what if it doesn't? I feel like my body killed this baby, it scares me like nothing else thinking it might do it again.

My husband has been incredible, and all I can think to say to him is that I'm sorry. It was the last thing I said to my son was that I was sorry my body wouldn't let him stay. I've had a dream every single night that's haunting me... it's always a different dream, but I end up walking into a room and someone says to me "it's about time you got here to take care of him, what took you so long, didn't you want him?" I made promises to people that I wouldn't hold it in, because it's what I normally do, I bottle things up, and I'm trying. I just feel so bad because I know that everytime I cry it hurts my husband knowing he can't fix it, and it reopens the wound for him. I know he'd be even more scared if I didn't cry, I just feel like I caused so many people this pain, and there is nothing I can do.

Sorry for rambling and stuff. I don't know anyone who's ever lost a baby at any stage, or a child. I get "my mom lost her 2nd child" or "I know someone who knows someone who had incompetnent cervix too" things like that but there is no one who knows what it's like to want something for so long, to try so hard, finally have that dream come true and then have it torn away like this.

I don't know what I'm looking for, a magic fix for the guilt? A way to rewind the clock?

kathleenttc · 07-11-2009, 10:44 PM

Oh, Tammy, I am so sorry, and I know exactly how you feel.

My baby died on June 22nd due to a parvo infection. I struggle all the time with thoughts that it was my fault for not washing my hands enough, or being careful enough. In reality, I know it wasn't my fault and I could have caught the infection from ANYWHERE. But still, it's hard to accept that.

I hate it when people say "at least you can get pregnant." How is that supposed to be comforting? So far, all it means is that I can get pregnant. It doesn't mean that I can give birth to a live baby. Also, it makes me feel like people are suggesting that the baby we lost is somehow replaceable. To a certain extent I do know that being pregnant again will relieve some of my heartache, but I will never completely heal from the loss of my son, and his twin who we lost at 6 weeks.

Oh how I wish there were a way to rewind the clock. But there isn't. Your pain is still so new and it must be excruciating. Just please be kind to yourself. Use this time to get closer to your husband. Sadness and guilt can drive you toward your husband, or away from him. Make sure you heal together. My husband and I have never been better as a couple because I forced myself to let him in during the days following my D&E. In fact, at time I had to physically force myself to roll over in bed to face him. I'm glad to hear your husband has been so good to you. Now you must be good to yourself. I believe completely that my husband doesn't blame me for Ethan's death, or for my infertility. Please believe that your husband doesn't blame you.

I don't know too much about incompetent cervix, but I do believe that you'll be much more closely monitored in the future, you'll probably have a cerclage, and you may even be put on bed rest. Now that you know this is an issue for you, your doctors will do everything possible to monitor and control the situation. If necessary, you can even be put on full bedrest in a hospital where they catheterize you so you don't even get out of bed to use the bathroom. Gravity is the main problem with an incompetent cervix, so when you're constantly on your back you take off the gravitational pressure of the baby pushing on your cervix. It wouldn't be fun being on that level of bedrest, but I'm sure it goes without saying that you would do it in a heartbeat for your baby. I guess the point of what I'm trying to say here is that an incompetent cervix does not mean you will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Tammy, again, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry your little boy passed away, I'm sorry you have to go through the pain of the experience, and I'm sorry you're feeling guilt for it. ((((((hugs)))))))

framin_memories · 07-12-2009, 12:31 AM

kentbird...it wouldn't be just a tattoo. It would be a memorial and if it's what you want, then get it. I lost my baby at 12 wks also. I had already had 2 u/s and was able to see much on the last one (8 wks), so I don't think when you lose a baby matters. It's hard whenever it happens.

TDoern...I am so sorry to hear about your loss. There aren't words that make it any better. Just know that we are here for you to talk with.

hello's to everyone else~

MT · 07-13-2009, 09:59 PM

Tammy - I am so very very sorry you have lost your little boy. I wish there was something I could say to help you have even just a little less pain in your heart, but as Felicia said, just know we are here for you. I will keep you in my prayers that you and your husband get through this extremely difficult time in your life and that you hurt a bit less as each new day passes. I will hope for you that you will have the strength to try again if that is what you and your husband decide to do and that next time it will all be just fine. In the meantime, think of your little Christopher watching over you and knowing that it was certainly nothing you have done to cause his tragic passing. ((((HUGS))))

annem84 · 07-17-2009, 01:40 PM

Tammy-I'm so sorry for the loss of Christopher. I lost Maya at 24 weeks due to IC. ((hugs))

I'm having a laparoscopy done on the 27th--not looking forward to it but I've put it off for a few years and the pain I just cant deal with it eveyr day--had an u/s on Wed. and the tech said "uterus empty", yeah, no sh*t sherlock--felt like it was an unsensitive comment. I hate the u/s room anymore

alwayzrn · 07-17-2009, 07:17 PM

Anne--So what in particular are they looking for?

MT · 07-18-2009, 11:50 AM

Hi Ladies -

I have a question for you regarding my son. I know some of you are in the medical field and thought you might know.

I took him to the eye doc for his first check-up (figured it was a good idea since he's starting kindergarten). He said that the optic nerve in his right eye is off. He explained that the nerve should go through what looks like a doghnut and should go right through the center, but his goes way off to the side. He said it could just be a congenital defect but that it could also mean he will develop juvenile glaucoma. We are seeing a specialist in September, but of course, I want to find out all I can in the meantime. Do any of you know if you can be born with something like this and it never become a problem, or is he certain to suffer from the glaucoma for most of his life?

When he was born, they thought he might have spina bifida or a tethered spinal cord, so they did an MRI and found neither (thank goodness), but they did find a hole in his sacrum and said he'd suffer from back pain, which at 5, he is already complaining about. I just thought they meant he would have it in his adult years. I just want to know what we need to be prepared for, you know?

Hope you all have a great weekend.

Anne - I will be thinking of you on the 27th. Good luck with your lap and I wish you a speedy recovery.

alwayzrn · 07-18-2009, 01:23 PM

Missy--I really don't have much to do with the eyes, but you can't get an earlier appt? I will keep your family in my prayers! Please keep us posted!

framin_memories · 07-20-2009, 02:03 AM

anne...I hope your lap goes well.

missy...I don't much about that either but too pray your appts go well. Are you ready for the u/s?

MT · 07-21-2009, 09:21 AM

Hi ladies,

Adrianne and Felicia - Thank you both for the encouraging words. Unfortunately, the doctor we are going to see is the only one in our area that sees children, therefore, we were lucky to get the September appointment. I've looked up the symptoms online and he does have about half of them, such as photosensitivity, tearing eyes, an headaches, but that can happen from just about anything anyway. He has light blue eyes, which I thought were more light sensitive and he has bad allergies/sinuses which can account for the tears and headaches. I just hope if it is glaucoma, we catch it at the right time to help him and prevent too much damage.

As far as the u/s goes, we are about to head out to the doctors, so I truly hope I return with good news. I have been so anxious for today to come, yet I'm also dreading it. I'll keep you guys posted.

annem84 · 07-21-2009, 04:13 PM

Adrienne--more of a look see procedure. I had an abusive boyfriend prior to Kyle--sexually abusive. I cant go in to details because they bring up to much crap--but they are wondering if there is scar tissue from things he did to me -- also on the u/s they couldn't find my ovaries but called and am going to get another u/s this afternoon to see if they can see them better--I've put it off for a couple of years but I'm sick of dealing with constant pain.

alwayzrn · 07-21-2009, 05:56 PM

Anne--Well I am praying that they can fix everything so you are not in pain anymore! I will defiinitely keep you in my prayers on that day!!

Missy--I just know that this lil one will be strong and healthy!

Hey everyone!

Jilconmom · 07-21-2009, 06:24 PM

Anne and Missy: Good luck to you both today!

Sorry I've been MIA for a little while. AF coming this time hit me really hard, and I went into a little hole for a few days. I'm okay now, though.