iregeo

you both sound like you realize what's happening or has happened in the past. Yes, what doesn't get you absolutely can make you a better person, IF YOU BELIEVE THAT. I truly believe that. We need to love our kids unconditionally even when we can't help them. There are lots of parents in that position. This world is screwed up because that's not what a lot of people practice. They come first, something else second-drugs, men, whatever, then maybe the kids. Shouldn't have had them at all. But, I know I am older and have seen a lot, I'm 54. Why can't your 50 year old mom figure this out. My son calls me and we laugh and he can talk to me about anything. He knows that and he takes advantage of it at times. Without a Dad, I'm it. At 23, he doesn't need me, but he wants to talk to me and see me. there are no so-called apron strings. We truly like each other. No one was there for me after my grandmother died when I was 15. I will be there for him always. I am getting healthy now because I want to and because he deserves to have me here as long as possible. Lost 60 pounds in past year and over 50 point cholesterol. Feeling a lot better. Keep talking, it helps clear the head and soul. Fondly, Irene

mandygirl

Irene, I've always felt sad and, sorry to say this, I've never really felt like I have a mother. She was never there for me to talk to when I got home from a date and was glowing with excitement. We've never been close at all. I love her and I'll always love her, but I've never felt a closeness to her that other girls/women do. I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything. When I have problems/need advice, I turn to my dad. He's always there for me, has always been there for me. If I call her to talk about something that's on my mind, she is always preoccupied and has to go after chatting for about thirty seconds. I want to be there for my kids, help them work through problems in their lives. I want to be the exact opposite of my mom and I want to use the knowledge of the way she shut me out of her life so that I can be the mother she never was.

iregeo

Who knows except maybe your mom, and possibly she doesn't even know, why she's not there for you or doesn't really listen to you. Is she there for your dad? Any brothers or sisters? Is she a loner?

You can be a totally different mom. It was a decision I made when I was young. I wanted 12 kids and was going to love them all. Well, PCOS let me have one. I am glad now I do not have 12. But I was a mom with love and understanding which came so naturally to me. I knew never to call my son names like dumb or stupid, but to say "what you are doing is not too smart". The other way the child feels they are stupid instead of what they are doing. I was consistent with my actions as much as I could. When I said whatever if he didn't calm down, whatever happened. Not hitting. I live on 3.5 acres and there was a stump out at the edge of the woods. He knew that's where he'd be if I said so. With his hands on the stump, probably cursing at me, but I couldn't hear him. I didn't care what he thought of me then at the stump. If that didn't work, I would separate myself from him by taking a book and locking myself in my room. He would lay on the floor trying to look under the door screaming for a long time. (He's still stubborn). As soon as he was quiet, I would come out. I did not waver. It's so important to be consistent with kids. You will succeed. Put them before your needs. Keep talking.

Irene