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10-23-2006, 01:50 AM
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#1 (permalink)
| | Dance and celebrate YOU!
Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: USA
Posts: 2,478
Points: 12,606.56 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 12,606.56 |  Mourning the baby I'll never have
I thought this would be the best place to express my thoughts and feelings. I have never been pregnant and come November 7th, I will permanently lose my entire reproductive system. We have been blessed with two beautiful sons and I would never want to change how I became a mother. I've always wanted to adopt. But I always thought, just once, I would get to experience creating a baby with the man I love.
Today it all just really hit me. Maybe it's because I'm just a couple of weeks away from my hysterectomy. With everything I've gone through, I know I need the hysterectomy and I know I will feel better once it's over. But I'm sad and heartbroken. I think about all the people that abuse their children, abandoned their children and never want to be parents and I can't help but selfishly wonder why God allows people like that to be fertile yet those of us who long to be mothers and have families are cursed with PCOS, endometriosis and other fertility problems.
Just like with everything else in life, eventually you have to make the choice that can no longer be put off. I've suffered 18 years with female problems, rapidly going downhill the past year. If I want a quality life I have to get the hysterectomy. I'm tired of the pain, tired of the problems, just tired.
I've shed so many tears for so long when we first started trying to get pregnant. Countless HPT's taunting me with one line. Based off my body's response to clomid and a good SA for DH, the RE sees no reason why I didn't get pregnant. I guess it just wasn't meant to me.
So, among my cysters who have conceived and lost their precious angels, I slip in and ask for a moment to mourn the babies I'll never have.
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I'm gonna stop looking back and starting moving on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, without any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be running
When the sand runs out
- Rascall Flatts "When the Sand Runs Out"
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10-23-2006, 01:56 AM
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#2 (permalink)
| | Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 359
My Mood:  Points: 2,945.74 Bank: 6.22 Total Points: 2,951.95 |
I am so sorry that you must go thru this. I know that it is hard to accept when life isn't the nicest to you.
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10-23-2006, 02:10 AM
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#3 (permalink)
| | Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 151
My Mood:  Points: 11,782.80 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 11,782.80 |
I am so very sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. My heart goes out to you. I am praying for you and your family. | |
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10-23-2006, 02:15 AM
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#4 (permalink)
| | Trying for #2!!
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: canada
Posts: 3,391
My Mood: Points: 5,131.85 Bank: 1,171,461.05 Total Points: 1,176,592.90 |
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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10-23-2006, 02:51 AM
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#5 (permalink)
| | Raven
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: I am right outside of Philadelphia
Posts: 2,320
My Mood:  Points: 26,566.94 Bank: 179,967.19 Total Points: 206,534.13 |
I appreciate the space you have used to express your feelings and thoughts....your heartache is real and if no where else that is aprpeciated....i think here we do....I pray GOD holds you through your operation and you can be at peace with your operation...I find that to be the hardest part about grieving...good luck...
__________________
5 IVF Cycles...
1 Beautiful baby boy in heaven.......Emmanuel (GOD is with US)
1 Beautiful baby girl LuV
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BuG....born 1/20/08 33 weeks 1 day......
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27 Days in the NICU....before Nichole Victoria came home to her parents!
"Having done all that you can.........just STAND"
I am eternally grateful for all that I have, all that i have been through and all that GOD has in store for me and my family..... | |
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10-23-2006, 03:20 AM
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#6 (permalink)
| | Baking another miracle
Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Northern CA
Posts: 55
Points: 441.95 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 441.95 |
 I'm so sorry, it's just not fair that you have to deal with this.
__________________
Elizabeth (37) and DH (35)
Dx PCOS June 2002
DS born 7-16-03 after Repronex/IUI
Due Apr. 9, 2007 thanks to Met and Clomid
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10-23-2006, 11:53 AM
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#7 (permalink)
| | Dance and celebrate YOU!
Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: USA
Posts: 2,478
Points: 12,606.56 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 12,606.56 |
Thank you for your kind words of love and support.
I'm doing better this morning; I'm more at peace. I know God has a plan for me beyond what I can imagine.
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I'm gonna stop looking back and starting moving on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, without any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be running
When the sand runs out
- Rascall Flatts "When the Sand Runs Out"
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10-23-2006, 03:14 PM
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#8 (permalink)
| | Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Southern VA
Posts: 3
Points: 460.39 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 460.39 |
I'm so sorry...but glad you're feeling better today. You'll be in my prayers.
__________________ ~* Kristin *~
Mommy to Rachael 02.10.04
and one tiny angel 10.19.06
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10-23-2006, 04:17 PM
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#9 (permalink)
| | mom to 4 angels in heaven
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,631
My Mood:  Points: 2,356.34 Bank: 284,014.97 Total Points: 286,371.31 |
I am so sorry. (((HUGS)))
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10-23-2006, 05:55 PM
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#10 (permalink)
| | Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: the south
Posts: 179
Points: 10,269.24 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 10,269.24 |
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know it is such a difficult time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
__________________
Ariel Paris 4yrs old
Conceived on 100mg Clomid!
Hypothyroidism in 2005. 75mcg Levothroid/day
Metformin 1000mg/day for IR~diag in 2003
Spinal fusion back surgery L4-5 on 4/17/06
~Angel Baby 9/27/06~
Aspen Skylar 11/16/07
Conceived on 50mg Clomid!
Addisyn Sailor 9/19/08
Conceived naturally! | |
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10-24-2006, 01:06 AM
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#11 (permalink)
| | Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Earth
Posts: 168
Points: 3,676.73 Bank: 0.01 Total Points: 3,676.73 |
I'm really sorry for the pain you have gone through.
I hope your operation goes well and you feel better afterwards.
__________________
Started TTC June 2003
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Angel Oct 2003 9 weeks
Angel July 2004 6 weeks
My beautiful little boy I miss you. September 2006 19 weeks
DS 10
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10-25-2006, 04:22 AM
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#12 (permalink)
| | My baby girl - Ginger!!
Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Hammond, IN
Posts: 774
My Mood:  Points: 8,104.80 Bank: 0.02 Total Points: 8,104.81 |
I am really sorry that you are going through all of this. Please know that you are not alone. I, too, have some difficult decisions ahead of me.
I was diagnosed with a borderline malignant tumor on my ovary which was removed back in 2002. Now my only remaining ovary is acting up again. Part of me had been avoiding the doctor cause I just have hope that maybe my ovary will finally kick out another egg. But every month I get the throbbing pain and it just reminds me of what I will have to eventually do.
I was blessed with one pregnancy which ended at 20 weeks. Although the loss of my son due to incompetent cervix has been devastating, I wouldn't trade those 20 weeks of pregnancy for anything in the world. I was in total awe. I just wish it had ended in a positive way.
My husband and I are looking to adoption, but i just don't know where to start. Wanting desperately to have a child in our lives and not knowing what decisions to make with my health or with adoption...It just makes me look the other way. My dh and I just want to take a moment to just breathe.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope all goes well.
Take care
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Diana - 36!
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Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks)
Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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10-25-2006, 03:42 PM
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#13 (permalink)
| | Meh!
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 3,793
My Mood:  Points: 12,801.43 Bank: 0.04 Total Points: 12,801.46 |
Adoption Momma,
I'm so very sorry to hear that you need a hysterectomy. I can't blame you for mourning the baby that you'll never be able to have.
Please know that I'm praying for you.
__________________
Celtic Spirit
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