Muslim Cysters Fall 2009 thread

[Sarahsmom]

why's everyone so quiet?

[faithandhope]

How is everyone?

Sarahsmom-Thanks for the advice about getting medicad. He is suppose to get a offer on monday and lets see how that works out. But, in the event it doesn't then I will get it. It's just so stressful. It's like if your pakistani your expected to marry a guy thats going to become someone and be something and I'm sure it's like that for everyone but my expectations were to high...I feel horrible for him too. He's worked so hard for 6 years and just to see it end. I hope we can get out of this storm. On a brighter side my shower is coming up on the 7th. It's going to be a big affair. We invited close to 80 people and 50 are confirmed. So it's nice to look forward to somethings. I don't really know how we are going to pull some of the things we were planning but I will wait till the last week and see how it goes. Allah know me and I know he's there for me and much bigger then this problem. So I leave it in his hands. We will get through this IA. Keep me in your prayers. Baby is also doing good. She is still 2 weeks behind and now weight 2 pounds and some ounces. She has shown some improvement in growth. I hope she continues to...Feels like time is flying now and she's going to be here before I know it.

How is everything on your end?

[Sarahsmom]

Faith- First, get Medicaid even if your husband gets a job. Most places make you wait 90 days before getting insurance and if YOU have a gap in coverage between jobs, they (the new insurance) won't pay for your pregnancy and delivery. Secondly, getting laid off has nothing to do with where you are from or the level of education you have, especially in this economy. My husband and I had great jobs in Iowa, only to be laid off within a week of each other (two different companies) and this why we moved to FL because this is where DH found a job. My sister's husband got laid off (he's a senior computer engineer at IBM) two years ago and they left TX to go to CA where he found a job in computer sales (yup from senior engineer to sales) they got by for a year and then his old job offered him his job back and he's been back for about a year. My point is, it can happen to anyone. Hamdillah, your husband is getting interviews and is likely to find something. It'll just mean you'll have to tighten your belt a little bit until a new job is found. No one in America dies of hunger, so you don't have to worry. In the mean time, health insurance coverage is important. So make sure you go to the Dept of Human Services in your town first thing Monday morning. There's also a program called WIC (women infants and children) that can help until you husband is back to work.

[ibcnuldu]

Assalamu Alaikum,

I know I've been off here for a loooooong time. So I'll reintroduce my self
My name is Lauren and I'm 21 years old. I've been Muslim for about 3 years now. I've been married to a man from Pakistan for almost two years. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 17. I struggle with the things a lot of us do Weight and cysts!

I found out in September I had a 3 inch cyst on my ovary and am still facing a possible surgery. InshaAllah the birth control I'm on will help.
I'm currently taking on running with my husband.

Nice to meet you all, some of you again

[Sarahsmom]

Hi Lauren! I don't remember meeting you, so "Its nice to meet you". I'm so sorry to hear that you might have to go through surgery. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Other than that, how is everything else? I see you live in OK, how's the weather there? I have some family in TX so all I imagine is a vast desert that stretches up to where you are.

[Sarahsmom]

Nomadic- Salam sister...I haven't heard from you in a while....I know you are very close to your due date so I'm wondering if all is ok or perhaps your daughter arrived early...

[DiamondInTheRough]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

ibcnuldu, nice to see you back sis. Sorry about the cyst, I'm sure the bcp will help shrink it insha'Allah, and you won't need surgery.

faith&hope, insha'Allah things will get worked out with your husband and he'll find a better job, soon! In the meantime, is sounds like Sarah's mom has given you some great advice.

Sarah'smom, did Sarah's private therapy start yet? How is your husband doing?

Rusulka, I'm so sorry this wasn't your month

Wasalaamu alaikum

[chips6]

Salaamz all...I hope all of you are doing great...Inshallah....

FAITH&HOPE:I understanid where you are coming from.I dont know if this is the right approach or not but we do have a mindset when entering into marriage that everything will be so perfect etc etc.They say that every newborn brings with it luck and Inshallah your new baby will bring luck to you and your husband.I know things can look different when you know there is a baby coming soon Inshallah....but I hope and pray that all falls into place very soon....Inshallah....
I hope things get sorted out with the insurance too...*hugz*
just hang in there and pray for the best....

ibcnuldu:Nice to know you....

BUNDLEofJOY:So far I have decided not to go with the H1N1 myself....And I just hope and pray that I dont regret it...
With every little sniffle or sneeze I think oh gosh I hope I am not coming down with anything...
The other day while in class,there was this student next to me who was constantly sniffing and blowing his nose and I was like oh God please dont let it be swine flu....
And being a microbiology grad student isn't helping it either....every class starts with the discussion of how very important this vaccine is....
but the only concern I have is that its too new....
May Allah protect us all ...Ameen....

SARAHSMOM:hope your laptop is behaving now...hehehe....
Thanks for your kind words...Appreciate it...!!
How is Sarah doing...??...

WANTaBABY:I am feeling fine...Thanks for asking....
I have also decided not to get the H1N1 vaccine...I dont know...I hope its the right decision..Inshallah....

GreenSme:hope you are doing fine...
If you do not mind my asking,what is your area of concentration for PhD...Mashallah thats a great thing...Wish you all the best..!!

As for me,all is well....a few days ago I started to feel a dull ache in my lower abdomen/pelvic area....It was more when I was walking around or standing and went away when I was sitting or lying down...
After numerous calls to the doctor(grrrrrr.....!!) I was told that most likely it is round ligament pain and if it increases or something else happens I should give them a call...AH it hasn't increased and I only feel it sometimes...so I guess the OB was right....
I need to vent...seriously....
The issue is again the inlaws...infact the father in law (FIL) to be exact....
He visited us about 4.5 years ago and was here for 6 months....he is an extremely verbally abusive man and when he was here he once raised his hand at me but luckily the mother in law came in between....
He had weird habits...just to annoy others he never used to flush after he came out of the washroom...(we had and still have 1 bathroom)...he used to clip his nails in teh living room ....just stupid things like that....
he curses and name-called me and my family...but he does that to everyone...
and I was told by MIL and DH to stay quiet as that is his 'habit'....
I unfortunately have a low threshold for anger and when he used to curse my parents I said to him not to use foul language for them....that apparently intimidated him and he asked the DH before he left that he should divorce me and that he will find him a better match within 6 months...well,that never happened and the father and son never spoke again for 4 years...!!
Fast forward to today...he has made up with DH and these days the DH is the only child he is loving to bits (out of the total 5 kids he has)...
The DH is also head over heels in love with is dad....
well ok he is his father ...I dont really care....
Now the thing that is bothering me or more so making me depressed every single day is that the FIL is coming to the USA again in April....!!
And I cannot imagine myself living with him with a newborn baby....going through all the cursing and name calling and all....
When he was last here I used to go to the town library or town park to spend my day there so that I dont have to encounter him...
I cant see myself doing that again....
I try not to raise the issue with the DH,but I fail at times....
I want to look forward to April, to the arrival of our baby Inshallah....but its more that I am dreading the FIL's arrival...
The DH has one thing to say,you can 'compromise' and make the best out of the situation....I dont want to compromise...This is my house,my life and we should be happy and thankful to Allah that we are being blessed after such a long time....
BTW,the MIL has also left the FIL and gone to live with another one of her sons....

More so I fear that in this world,what goes around comes around....I dont want to live with his father ...what if this come back to bite me and haunt me for the rest of my life....?!?!?

I want the DH to be excited...but he has become so snappy...Maybe I am overemotional...I dont know....
I dont want to be thankless in any way...
I should be thankful with every breath....
I dont know...I am just depressed....

And I am sorry for such a long post with ramblings...I absolutely have no idea what to expect....

Prayers and best wishes for all....

Wa'aslam....

[DiamondInTheRough]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Chips, your fil sounds AWFUL! Does he have a mental illness that your MIL/DH say just leave him be? How else could anyone put up with that? I can't believe he raised a hand to you and your husband is considering allowing him back in your home??? He has no right to treat you that way! I can completely understand why you are dreading his arrival, my skin is crawling for you. Why can't your husband go visit him instead? Yes, it will leave you with a new baby, but it's better then the alternative in my opinion. I suppose your fil will want to meet your baby. Ah, who knows, maybe he'll control his actions this time around since he reconciled with your husband? Insha'Allah. Do you have any of your own family/friends around that can visit often, and you can visit them while fil is around? Have you talked to your husband about how uncomfortable you feel about all of this? What is he going to do if his father starts up with the same behaviour? Ugh, I really feel for you in this situation. Make loads of du'a, sis!

Wasalaamu alaikum

[Sarahsmom]

Diamond- Salam sister...we are doing great! Sarah's therapy starts on Monday. We just got back from a mini-vacation across the state. Our hotel room even got upgraded and we ended up with a bubbly hot tub inside the actual room. Sarah sat in that thing for over an hour playing and laughing!!DH's ok...he's still making up for the fight by offering to buy me a diamond braclet while we were on the trip. I would have taken him up on that offer...but I felt bad taking advantage of the situation. I'm probably going to kick myself in a few days about that though. How's everything going for you? Anything new?

Chips- I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible thing with your in-laws. First, and foremost, you are completely correct that you stopped your FIL from saying horrible things about your parents. I might even hit a person who spoke bad things about my parents (unless it was my grandparents...) But, I worry that your FIL has a mental issue. Honestly, I'm not trying to be rude or mean but sometimes, as people age, mental issues crop up. I was wondering, do you have family members (your mom, dad, sisters?) who live near you? Perhaps you can use the excuse of staying with your parents with a newborn. Many Arabic cultures are like that (where a woman stays at her mom's for the first 40 days). If you don't have anyone near by, have your mom/dad fly in when your FIL is there. Don't mention it to your husband but have your parents call him and say "Surprise we want to visit" its not like your husband can tell your parents NOT to come...I hope everything goes well and I'm sorry that this is stressing you out. BTW, at least your husband is a good man. Many men are so weak that if their mom/dad said to divorce his wife, he would listen even without any merit for the divorce. Take a breath and be thankful he's not a follower to everything his dad wants him to do. If you get along with your MIL maybe ask her to come along with him. At least she'll be a buffer for you.

[Sarahsmom]

Diamond....great minds think alike....LOL!

[DiamondInTheRough]

Sarah'smom - subhan'Allah sis!! LOL! Alhamdulillah, things are ok on our end. There isn't really anything new to report, just living life and getting used to the cold again.

[chips6]

Diamond and Sarahsmom:...The FIL doesnt know that we are expecting so him wating to meet his grandchild is out of the question and he already has 10 grandkids already and he has been a nut case around them too....
I do not have any family here...they all are in Pakistan....
The Fil is not coming over for a 'visit'....the genius my DH is,he is sponsoring him so he can come live with us permanently since the MIL has also left him and no other kid of his wants to live(read:ruin their own lives) with him so he is looking forward to come here where someone can wait on him 24/7....and the FIL is so very excited he has started winding up everything back home...the last I heard he sold his car and the next thing he wants to put up for sale is his house...
The DH will not go visit him because he is the one who told his father that go get a visit visa and then he will sponsor him for a green card...
The MIL will not come because she has left him for good and gone abroad to another one of her sons,most likely permanently....
I have been so stressed that I did talk to my parents about the whole thing...and my father said that he is his father and his coming is inevitable...you will have to compromise...I just cannot believe that my own father will say that to me....
I talk to the husband he says the same...why do I have to make a compromise...?!?!?
sometimes I think it would have better if he really listened to his father 4 years ago..I wouldnt have wasted this many years of my life and never would have brought a baby into the picture....I dont want to be thankless but its such a gloomy picture...
I look at baby stuff in the stores and online and I have all kinds of negative thoughts...
I dont know what will happen to me and the baby...

[Sarahsmom]

Diamond- No news is good news!! I wish it would cool off over here, its back up to the 90s as of yesterday!

Chips- Salam sister. Well sister...I'm not sure what to say..if your husband is sponsoring his father that means he's going to stay with you guys probably until he passes away. I would say to try to convince your husband have his father apply for the immigrant visa in Pakistain instead of getting a visiting visa and adjusting status when he gets to the US. Honestly, the way your husband is thinking about doing it will take longer for his father to actually GET the green card. Having him come on an immigrant visa will get that plastic in his hands faster (because as soon as they give him the immigrant visa and he flys into the US, a week later the green card is mailed to your house). However, going through all the hoops of getting an immigrant visa at the embassy will take longer (a year and more). So maybe telling him this (without the longer part) will buy you some time of sanity. I know a bit about immigration policy because I did DH's paperwork and now I'm doing both my in-laws paperwork. Other than that, I think that your father is correct. No matter what, this is his dad and you can't really put him out (not like he's bringing his cousin to live with you). Honestly, since he and your MIL are not together find him a wife. If he gets married again he will leave you alone and spend all his time with her. I'm not joking, if you know women in the masjed or even if you know someone in Pakistan before he would even come, find him someone and have your DH bring up the idea.

Please don't think about the 'what ifs' in life. You'll go crazy. Was your husband a good man this whole time? He probably feels guilty about his dad, in which case you married a man who has a conscience (not many of those left). Its a good thing.

Other than that, I'm sorry to say you'll have to learn to live with it. I'll share a story about a woman here for you and you tell me if you still have it bad (I know it sucks but at least your not this woman). There is a woman here who is Palestinian. She's 23 with two kids, one girl (who has spinal bifda) and a boy and she's only been married three years. She married this guy (same age) because he lived in America (and they lived in war-torn Palestine). He came and threw her a $25,000 wedding party and of course her parents felt this was a great guy for their daughter. Well turns this guy doesn't even have a high school diploma (had to pay someone to take his GED exams for him). He lives with his mom and dad and five brothers and that's where she lives with her two kids. The house is very small for the immediate family, let alone her and her two kids. He got laid off from his job in April and still hasn't gotten a job. She tells me that he wants people to come to him and ask him if he wants to work, instead of applying at places. She ended up filing for food stamps and WIC because there was no other way to feed her kids (her parents-in-law own a restaurant that is about to go under and they are the only ones who work in that family). Her husband still won't go find a job, instead he sleeps in to 2-3pm and goes out with his friends until all hours of the night. She takes care of two kids and then cleans the house after her five brothers-in-law, and her in-laws and they are all quite picky (no leftovers for dinner and they don't even up after themselves in the bathroom). She's stuck in the house all day because she can't drive, and when she goes for her driving test she needs her husband there to translate the exam questions and he's never "free". The little girl barely gets physical therapy because the only services she can get is if they come to the house. But you need to go into the center so that the therapist can use all the equipment to help the child (some stuff can't be transported in a car). He refuses to let the little girl go to school because its a special needs school and he feels that if she was to see special needs children she would get "worse" in her condition. He doesn't want to wokr and won't let his wife work either. Now she's waiting for her MIL to hand her some money so she can get some clothes for her children. Her son doesn't even have shoes because they cannot afford to get him new ones after he outgrew the old ones. Now they are saving up another $25,000 (the in-laws) so that their next son can get married. To them,its just about the wedding party, not if your son is a good man to make a good husband or if he has the skills to provide for his family.

I look at this woman, try to help in what I can, and then say thank god for my husband (no matter how annoying he can be at times he's still not THAT bad). Chips, it seems like you have a good husband with a good heart. Look at it that way. And hey..you can always come visit me in FL!!

[chips6]

SARAHSMOM...salaamz...
wow...I feel sorry for this woman...May Allah swt help her and her kids and make her husband realize his mistakes...
I understand very well that there are people out there who are in way worse situations and conditions than I am....Infact I am in no condition as of yet...
I have days when I feel so low that I will either sleep or cry the entire day(like yesterday) and then there are days when I will feel terrible for behaving the way I do(like today)....
I love my DH and my home and all and in no way want to leave anything...maybe I am expecting a lot...when I told my parents about it all I wanted to hear was that don't worry we are and will be there for you,Inshallah...rather than listening to how I will have to compromise....
Regarding getting the FIL married...as much as it sounds tempting and actually he has used this to emotionally blackmail his kids that he will re-marry....I seriously think that why to ruin another woman's life...she will go bonkers with him ...hahahha....
I just hoep and pray for the best and hope that my mood wings and tantrums do not come back and I do not annoy God with all this...
May Allah forgive me...ameen...