Muslim Cysters Spring 2009 - Page 11

Nomadic · 04-27-2009, 07:54 PM

Faith: I faced the same dilemma. I knew I couldn't go to Pakistan without a baby in my arms - it would've been suicidal to go otherwise. InshAllah very soon you'll announcing your great news but guess what, that would again mean no Pakistan for another year and a half (unless you're okay with going there during your pregnancy). Do you have any family in the US?

Diamond: SubhanAllah! 10 weeks! That's like more than two months. What was the cause sister? And how did you spend your time in bed... for 10 weeks? You had jannah beneath your feet before you even became a mom, it seems.

Chips: Alhamduilllah the community here is nice, but since I'm new, I'm still a bit formal with everybody. When they call and ask me if I need anything, I can't really cry my head off and tell them I need things... you know.

And sister, I lived 3 years through the "how many kids do you have?" issue. Only recently, we went to a dinner with four other "young couples" and they kept talking about their kids and then one of them had the nerve to say, "Oh you must be geting bored with all of us talking about children..." Honestly, I had wanted to scream "OH YOU THINK???"

It wasn't easy but there is hope inshAllah. I met a Saudi woman here, she had had EIGHT miscarriages in her 15-year long marriage and no kids... and she said she read somewhere in the Quran that for children, read astaghfaar, and she said she did that for one whole year, she recited astaghfaar countless times in a day... and mashAllah, she has 3-month old twins now.

Sarahsmom: MashAllah you're so lucky your sister is coming and a whole month and your mom's place... I'm sorry I'm happy for you but full of envy too...

Alhamdulillah you've finally moved into your new place, I hope Sarah is beginning to like it now.

Simone: Salam Simone and welcome aboard! So, I have to ask, what does Simone mean? I knew someone who named their daughter Simone, saying it was a Turkish name but I think it's French. Whatever it is - it sounds beautiful. Like you can't get mad at someone who has that name.

Okay Washington - now that was my first meeting with the US and it was the coldest time of the year and I decided I'm never going to that place again. Texas is so much saner, and I hear Arizona is even warmer than Texas.

As for me, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah... there is SOME improvement. I'm still not eating anything real... but the vomiting has gone down from seven times to a day to about twice and thrice. The doctor had suggested mashed potatoes and DH kept feeding me a spoon every hour the whole weekend and Alhamdulillah I didn't vomit that out even once. I have to see my doctor 2moro again inshAllah and I hope she doesn't put me in the hospital.

I understand what all of you're saying that being in the hospital may help me... but what will I do there? Will I sleep alone at night? I hear they don't let anyone sleep with you. And at home I'm in bed, online all the time, or talking to my family back home, what will I do there? I'm scared I'll just get more depressed. Allah-u Alam. Lets see what the doctor decides 2moro.

(Oh and another question, do you stay in your hijab throughout the day if you're hospitalized? Because I'm sure there are male nurses coming in the all the time... stuff like this also worries me...)

DiamondInTheRough · 04-27-2009, 09:45 PM

Nomadic - well, no sister, they won't allow someone to stay overnight with you usually.

Secondly, I decided to leave my hijab on, because there were male cleaners and kitchen staff that would come in to my room on occassion. However, you do have the option of pulling the curtain around your bed, but I personally would have gone crazy feeling trapped in the bed with nothing to look at but the inside of the curtains.

I was on bedrest for an incompetent cervix. I was allowed to get up to go to the bathroom, and have a shower every other day. I sat up slightly for my meals.

I won't lie to you, it CAN be depressing. I had a telephone hooked up so I could still talk on the phone, I had a t.v., and my husband visited me everyday for a couple of hours. I did some reading, I had my Qur'an with me. Some women would sew or crochet, for example.

Some people are allowed to bring their laptops with them to the hospital if they have wireless access. Maybe you could bring yours?

Simonemesina · 04-28-2009, 03:35 AM

Nomadic ~ Salam. Thankyou for the beautiful comment about my name. Simone is French now but it is originally the Feminine of the Hebrew name Simon. It (depending on where you read) means "One who is heard by the Lord" or "One who hears the Lord". Either way it's good.

LOL!! It funny you should say that about people not being able to get mad at someone named Simone. Other than my sisters, no one has ever truely been mad at me!! Of course sisters don't really count on the getting mad front anyways.

Sisters~ I did it...It took me a few hours but I've read all the posts from this thread and the 16 pages before it. I will remember you all in my dua's from this moment forward! I so admire the strength you have all shown in the posts I've read. I can only hope that Allah (SWT) grants me the same strength.

Sarahsmom · 04-28-2009, 08:58 AM

Simone- Well I'm sorry that you don't have any health insurance right now. Inshallah you will be able to get something soon. I know that feeling. Last year my husband and I both got laid off within two weeks of each other. I had the insurance through my job and that was gone. They wanted me to pay about $2,000 per month to keep it (through COBRA). DH got a job quickly but benefits didn't start for four months. Luckily, our daughter was still covered because of her cerebral palsy. In Iowa, all children with a disability have access to Medicaid, no matter how much money the family makes or if they have insurance or not. So when we lost our regular insurance, the Medicaid kicked in and paid everything for her. The downside was that we (my daughter and I) had to stay in Iowa for 4 months while my husband was in Florida. I'm studying to be a hospital administrator, so it can get quite depressing when we cover health insurance. If you need any help, I have access to a lot of different information and resources for each state regarding health insurance. I'm sure I can help you find something that will cover you at least in emergancies. PM me and let me know if I can assist! : )

Good luck on your RN. It can seem like a far away thing, but I'm sure you'll do great. And you'll always be in demand! I see ads here for RNs and its crazy the sign-on bonuses that they give them. One place here was $5,000 sign-on!

Sarahsmom · 04-28-2009, 09:17 AM

Nomadic- Glad you posted sister. I was wondering how you were feeling. First, as for the hospital, most have wifi so you can take your laptop there. They also usually have a DVD player or VCR to watch movies. When I was in the hospital with Sarah, I had them put a note on the door that no male staff (not even doctors) were allowed in without a knock or having a female staff member enter first. I had my hijab off the whole time but it was sitting next to me. Also I got one of those hijab that you can put on and off quickly (without pins or anything). They didn't look great, but they got the job done. Also, if you can, request a private room. If the hospital only has private rooms the insurance will cover it. If they have both, insurance will cover the cost of a shared room and you pick up the difference. Most of the time its not that much difference. My sister was in the hospital a few years ago for 10 days and the price difference between a shared and private room was $20!

Don't be jealous of me. I live here in FL with NO family. I haven't been able to make friends which is really weird because I usually can. I think its because I'm not working and well..in school my major is mostly men. I'm one of the few girls in the whole department. I talk with everyone normally, but its not like I can say "Hey want to come over or go out?". I'm sure DH wouldn't like that too much! LOL! I don't like to go to the masjed because unfortunately, Arab women here are really really stuck up. Plus I'm not that into Arabs to begin with.

When I lived in Iowa, there was this Eygptian couple who had been married for over 10 years. No babies, no M/C. It just wouldn't happen. With the help of IVF, she had triplets. We would all go over there to help each day until the babies were one year old. People can be really insenstive when it comes to these issues. The other day at the Arabic store, the owner of the store (a woman) asked what was wrong with Sarah (she saw her leg braces and the fact that I was carrying her). I told her that Sarah has CP..etc etc...then what does she say? "Its time for you to have another child then" I just looked at her and said "Inshallah" and took my things and left. But what the hell?? I didn't buy a broken candy bar so that I could replace it. Having another child doesn't mean I'm replacing Sarah. It means I'm going to give her a brother or sister. And who are YOU to tell me its time to have kids or not?

Just a question, is it really that bad in Pakistan that visiting without having a baby is such a curse? I know we all have pressure, but I wasn't aware it was that bad. What if someone just doesn't want children? And wait a min...what if its the man's health that prevents the couple from having kids? Is it automatically the woman? Rudeness.....that people assume its you guys with the issue.

Simone- You actually read all our posts? LOL! What drama queens we are..huh?

As for the moving. I'm looking at more and more boxes right now....arghhh. I spent about 3 hours in the old apartment cleaning and cleaning. I burned out all my nose hairs from the fumes of the clorox, ajax, and oven cleaner. I still have about 2-3 hours left of cleaning. DH says I'm overdoing it, but I don't want them to complain about anything. I've moved the fridge and cleaned under it, washed the walls and the baseboards. I don't know how people can be housekeepers. That's too much work to do for someone else. This new complex is really great. Yesterday, Sarah and I walked over to DH's work (its literally across the street) and picked him up. Well..we walked back with him.

chips6 · 04-28-2009, 12:07 PM

NOMADIC: Nice to know that you are feeling better and hope all goes well with the doctor's appointment...inshallah

SARAHSMOM:...that was pretty rude for that woman to say so...but we all come across insensitive people everyday every where...what to do...

Oh I read the entire thread too when I joined here...I had to...because I never knew anything about the people who were posting ...heheh...time well spent..!!

Can I take the liberty to answer a part of what you asked about how bad it is in Pakistan....well the pressure is there for everyone we understand,...but somehow in our culture mostly it is just considered that it is the woman's fault...in today's age and world where people are far more educated,still its a hard thing for them to accept that there might be a male factor to it....
I have been married for a little more than 6 years...mashallah...(gosh I am old...!!!...)Initially it was a mutual decision that we don't want kids because of schools/careers etc etc...then after 3 years when we wanted to it never happened...we thought ok it will happen soon....all that time we had to hear all that nonsensical stuff...the DH's mom and brother even had the nerves to ask if we even DTD...and he once asked me that since my upbringing was 'different'...(I don't know what he meant by that) so I might not wanna give birth...and maybe want to adopt...(nothing wrong with it but the way it was said was rude)...I was told repeatedly by them that I was depriving their son/brother(that's the DH) and 'his' house of all the cheers and laughter a baby can bring...
no one for once tried to understand that it might be something which is out of my control...and maybe something I am equally desperate for and their talking like so can hurt me....
The TTC thing is a roller coaster in itself and when people nag you and ask you stupid questions it just become unbearable...
when I visited Pakistan 2 years ago for a few weeks,I had to go alone...without the DH...and apparently the talk of the gossipy ladies was that hmmmm...they don't get along...that's why she doesn't have a kid or her DH doesn't come with her...bla bla bla...
One was insensitive to say that 'yeah you are lucky you don't have kids...you can get up and pack your bags and plan a trip to your homeland just like that...'...I was like yeah that's all good luck...!!
The pressure increases when every other person starts comparing to other people....look she has 3...she has 4...she got married after you...bla bla...
life is well spent with kids...you guys will ruin your old age...and so on....
just these things are so heart breaking that I guess one is better off not going back home...atleast its a tad bit better here...where we hardly know any nosey pokey aunties.....

Sorry again for the ramblings....!!!

Sarahsmom · 04-28-2009, 02:53 PM

Chips- Ok I guess that makes sense (its not right but it makes sense). I also grew up in the US, so maybe Arabs are kind of the same way. I'm lucky that my in-laws are not only educated but they fear Allah SWT. When I talk to them each week, if the subject of babies (other people's) comes up, I always get a duaa (especially my MIL) that I will be blessed with another baby. But I'm lucky I suppose. My sister's in-laws drove her crazy until she got pregnant (she had cancer and her doctor's told her to not get pregnant until 1 year after her last dose of chemo).

I'm sorry that you guys have to go through that. But you probably have to remember that even if you do have babies its like "why don't you have one more?" or you should breast-feed or you shouldn't breast-feed...etc etc...btw adoption is a great idea. I've often talked with DH and said if we couldn't have anymore children, I would love to adopt an orphan from Palestine. Of course Islamic adoption (not changing the last names) but I think that would be great. The prophet Mohammad PBUH said that who raises an orphan walks with me in heaven. We might not be blessed to have our own, but there are so many children from back home who are starving in the streets. It would be great to help them, especially if we are unable to have children of our own.

Simonemesina · 04-28-2009, 05:16 PM

Nomadic ~ yeah the weather is a bit crazy up here in WA this year especially. I've lived here before about 8 years ago and got used to it fairly quickly. If you can make it through the winter and all the rain then you get rewarded by some of the best late spring through early fall weather! Sun and moderate temperatures - great for doing almost every outside activity!

Arizona on the other hand has 2 seasons; hot and HOT! LOL! actually the winters in Tucson (where I lived) are a little chilly. It's high desert there so in the middle of winter it isn't unusual to have ice on the windshield in the am. But by the time it's April - watch out! It's usually in the lower 90's by then and the first 100 degree day usually happens in early May. I lived in Texas for a number of years when I was a child as both my parents were in the military. Then did some more time in Texas when I joined the military out of high school and can honestly say I don't mind the warmth but I hate the humidity! I have naturally curly hair that turns into a HUGE cotton ball in the humidity.

Sarahsmom ~ Thank you for the offer but I make too much $$ to qualify for Medicaid; and paying for ins out of pocket is just out of the question right now. Most of my $ goes to school and books. I am paying my own way through school and paying minimal $ as rent to my parents while I live at home. Plus all the extras for myself (ie, vits and supplements, car ins, gas, and anyother personal extras I want).

Yup I read all the posts. I had to - otherwise I wouldn't know who was who and what was happening in each sisters life. Although I admit I still mix some of the sisters up from time to time. (blushing) I would definately say none of you are drama queens! I have to admit I like hearing/reading about having to deal with skinny minis in the family. Like many of the sisters here I am the token "fat" person in the family. My sisters, aunts, cousins are all size 2-6 and here I am in my 16's!!! My sisters are really good about being aware of how comments on size and food make me feel but some of the other women.....ARG!

Chips/Sarahsmom/Sisters ~ The whole baby issue (ie family asking "when are you gonna have one already?") isn't just a Pakistani thing. I'm hispanic and at my "advanced" age (31, I'll be 32 in Sept) I get the question from everyone. My grandfather (who passed in March) even told me that, "you know you don't have to be married to have a baby these days"! WHAT!! Even worse when my mom got remarried in 2004, I had family asking my grandfather if I was GAY because I wasn't married and didn't have any children yet!!! OMG!!! I mean really!?! Is it that hard to believe that I haven't found anyone I want to marry yet? Plus right now I'm focusing on my studies....now that's not to say that if Allah (swt) sends a good man my way I'll ignore him but getting into the very competitve RN program at school is sort of the priority right now. But with that being said I'm not getting any younger either!!

Opps! Sorry that last bit turned into a bit of a rant didn't it? (sigh) Guess I was a little more peeved about it than I thought. Well my lunch hour is just about up so back to the grind for me.

Sarahsmom · 04-28-2009, 08:46 PM

Simone- No problem. That's school for you. I can't tell you the days spent eating Ramen and Mac and Cheese to pay for books. Its all worth it in the end, so just hang in there. Don't worry about mixing us up! I used to have to re-read posts to remember who was who. But hopefully you'll get used to us soon and enjoy popping in here.

I personally think that weight is relative. You say you're fat because you wear a size 16. But stand with 5 girls who are a size 24 or 28 and they'll wish they were in your shoes. As long as you are healthy, weight comes and goes (although lately it has come more often! LOL). At least you've come from a supportive family.

As for the baby thing, um 31 isn't old. Right now, our culture applauds single mothers. While I too applaud them because it is hard work to raise a baby with two parents (let alone one), actively trying to get pregnant with no husband is sooo hard. My BF (the one in the RN program) got pregnant when she was 21. Her boyfriend was there for the first three months of pregnancy. When she asked him to get a job (because she was working two and he was sitting around) he picked up and left. He moved to another state and decided that he would 'drop off the radar' . She had her son, alone. He didn't even know it was a boy. he got a job off the books so that way when she went after him for child support, he paid her $11 per month. Yup, that was the court order. 4 years later its still the same. She lives with her parents now while going to school. If it wasn't for them, I think she would have starved or been homeless. While her life is now good, its hard because she's been both mom and dad for this child. I hand off Sarah to my DH when I'm tired. She doesn't have a choice. DH works while I go to school, she has to work and go to school and spend time with her son. Its really really hard. Not impossible, but so stressful. I think you are sooo right to concentrate on your studies.

Simonemesina · 04-28-2009, 10:03 PM

Sarahsmom ~ I actually have a small note book that I take notes in while I'm reading posts. That way I keep track of who says what or what I want to say to someone. Otherwise I'd be apologizing constantly for not remembering who said what!!

You are so right about the whole weight issue. I have a number of friends who are bigger than I am and they envy me at my "little" 16. LOL! The weight has definately come and I think it has plans to stay permanently. I am hoping that the Cinnamon and Chormium help some. I know the Cinnamon is already helping with the sugar bounces.

I think over the past few years my family has finally realized that I am very serious about not having a child on my own so the nagging has decreased some, but then again I think they have just decided I'm never going to get married! LOL! I know all about the single parent thing. My youngest sister is 13 years younger than I am and I spent alot of time (all of high school) raising her. She's 18 now and getting ready to head off to university in the fall. I took care of her (with help from my other sister, who is 2 years younger than me) from the time she woke up until she went to bed at night. If she woke up at night and woke our mother; our mother would wake me up and I'd have to take care of the baby, while she went back to bed....So I have some experience but I'm sure it's not the same as having my own.

On a different note - I think I posted about an interview I had last monday for a position I really really wanted in a local ER. They said they would call on Friday or Monday and let me know the status. Well needless to say I ended up calling today as I hadn't heard anything. After waiting for 2 and a half hours for a return call, I got one just to be told "Oh we filled that position last week."

Really is it too much to ask for a little common courtesy? A simple phone call when one was promised to let me know that they had filled the position, so that I could spend the last couple days looking elsewhere. And to add insult to injury they asked if I was interested in working per diem! They know I'm going to school and paying for it on my own! I can't afford to work an unstable schedule with the possibility of working only 1 day a month or 15 days a month! And the straw that broke my tightly held anger??? She said well you have my card. Make sure you keep looking. Like I want to work for a inconsiderate person like that.

Of course my anger could be a little excessive. I am at the end of AF and a bit moody these last couple of days. Now the wait begins to see when the the AF will come. (sigh)

I guess I'm off to look for a job (again) and, Inshallah, I'll find one that works with my school schedule.

Sarahsmom · 04-29-2009, 12:04 AM

Simone- I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't believe people can be that rude, but I guess with this economy HR has their pick of people. They can afford to be rude. I guess it could be a blessing in disguise. Could you imagine if this person was your boss? I'm sure you'll be able to find something soon. Sorry if you mentioned this, but what will you be doing in the hospital? Do you have a CNA while doing your RN? Maybe something in nursing homes too. I'll keep you in my duaa that hopefully you'll find something. This economy has been tough on everyone. So hang in there. I'm sure you'll find something soon.

Oh you're going to get it soon? That's GOOD! I see the last time was Dec. (from your signature). I know I know. I freak out when I'm about to get it too. Apparently everyone is a horrible driver and DH can't do anything right (that's why I laughed when Chips said she had her first mood swing).

chips6 · 04-29-2009, 12:31 AM

Salaamz,
SARAHSMOM: you are right that it never ends....first it is 'why don't you have kids'...when you have one then it is...'have another one...ASAP..'...hehehe

I once watched a Pakistani talk show where the host was interviewing 2 famous ladies...very successful in their careers...one was married and the other was not and wasn't even going to get married any time soon...one of them said that unfortunately in our society/culture a woman's success in life is gauged by the number of children she has....her marriage,her education,her career,her success means almost nothing if she has no kids...and its true..!!
Kids are a blessing indeed and may Allah SWT bless us all with happy,health and pious children...but its not the end of the world...Even if we try to make our peace with it some people around us just never let us do so...
As SIMONEMESINA said...it just never ends and happens everywhere,so its just not in Pakistan....

SIMONEMESINA:...I hope things get better for you...and Inshallah you come across even a better employment opportunity...hang in there dear...*hugz*
I like your idea of keeping a notebook....hehhehe...I sometimes too forget who said what....

well I guess with time we will get to know others better on the forums....

A few weeks ago I came across few articles that how Vit D deficiency can cause ovulation problems for patients with PCOS...I asked my doctor but she wasn't so aware of it and asked me to send her the material I had seen...I mailed her and she ordered a Vit D levels test....the results for which I got today...I am Vit D deficient..so she told me to take some...the prenatals I take have 400 IU already so she said I should start with 400 IU extra...I will inshallah get them tomorrow....
I still have small follicles on both sides and my estrogen levels aren't what they should be after almost a week of Follistim so she told me to continue with the injections for another 3 days and repeat the blood work on Thursday....
I hope Inshallah all works out well...

The horrible thing I was suffering from which I think was mood swings is no longer that bad...although I am feeling that I am hardly talking to the DH these days...He called me twice from work yesterday and I just wanted to hang up...I am so bad....

It was a screaming hot day today...90 degrees...and I cant wait for it to drop back to the 60's tomorrow...I just love winters....Tomorrow I am going to see the friend who had a baby girl last week...I am excited about it...yaaay..!!

Simonemesina · 04-29-2009, 02:34 AM

Salaams eveyone

Sarahsmom ~ You, of course, are right. I really don't want to work for someone like that. I was going for a HUC position. It's a unit secretary position. The person who enters orders in the computer and does initial paperwork in the ER for patient admission to the hospital. It was more the hours that I was excited about - 11pm to 7am. That would have been perfect for school in the morning and evenings. But I guess life just goes on. It's funny that you mention Nursing Homes. I was talking to my papa today about the whole situation and he brought up CNA programs through some local Nursing Homes. I will need my CNA when I apply for the RN program. So starting tomorrow, with a fresh perspective and after some serious praying for patience and perseverence, I will start looking again. On the upside I still have a job so it could always be worse. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the dua's. Every little bit helps in all things.

Chips ~ Thanks for the hugs, they help an awful lot too! LOL! When I read about the Vit D I immediately checked the Prenatals that I take to see how much is in them. It's 400iu too. You said it helps with ovulation? Do you think that even if I'm not TTC I should add extra Vit D to my supplements? Or would the fact that I'm nowhere near a regular cycle be counter productive? I know I don't ovulate regularly. When I was 18 I was engaged and I got pregnant after 6 months by complete suprise. Of course I didn't even know I was pregnant until I lost my angel but that's another story. My fiance left me afterwards too. He didn't want to marry a woman who couldn't carry. Oh, sorry I just realized how sad that sounded....didn't mean to go there. Back to happier thoughts. Inshallah everything goes well with the doctor and your labs. I'll be saying dua's for you.

chips6 · 04-29-2009, 03:57 PM

SIMONEMESINA..:..Thanks for the well wishes and I am sorry for your loss....May Almighty have better plans for you..Inshallah...
Hmmmm...about Vit D...wouldn't it depend on if you are deficient or not...??..maybe your body stores plus the 400 IU you are already taking is enough for you...
My doc suggested to take an additional 400 IU because after the blood work it showed that my body did not have enough of it already...

She asked me if I take the 3-a-day dairy products...and I do not...!!!
So maybe that might be a reason...she told me to drink milk daily...(sounded so much like my mom when I was young..!!...)

Simonemesina · 04-29-2009, 04:37 PM

Chips ~ Hmm yet another test that I'll have to wait and get. But I am def NOT par t of the 3-a-day dairy group. I'm lactose intolerant so no milk, cheese, or ice cream for me. I do get some soy milk in everyonce in a great while but not much.