No one has to bother to read this...it's kind of for me to get all this off my chest...
I've been avoiding posting on this board because I hate to admit that I have a problem and that I am depressed. But, I've been miserable. I always have the urge to cry, and I never really have a reason. I don't want to see people much, I want to hide myself in bed or dig a big hole and hide there forever! I've been dealing with depression on and off (mostly on) since I was 9. I'm 20 now, and I'm so frustrated because whenever I think I'm doing really really well...I always end up miserable again, whether it's in a few days or weeks or months... I've been so cranky and sooo irritable lately. I don't know why everyone around me hasn't killed me yet. I feel horrible because I know that I'm treating my girlfriend terribly. She wants me to go talk to someone, but I can't do that again. In the past 3 years I've spoken to 10 different counselors and no one has been able to help me long term. I was on antidepressants...nothing helps. I really, really hate myself. I don't think I'm a useful person. I'm fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, and an all around waste of space. Nothing anyone says can make me think otherwise. I've been self injuring a lot more often lately.
Also, I think I'm having panic/anxiety issues. I used to have panic attacks...but this feels different. It used to be very mental, where I would get scared and imagine all these terrible things happening, but lately I just get the physical symptoms. I'll start breathing fast and start shaking and getting dizzy and lightheaded and I feel like I'm worried but nothing is really scaring me...I have no idea what this is...
If anyone actually read this...I'm sorry to waste your time!
__________________ The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation.
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HUGS Carly, we love you. sometimes I feel the same way, so I know what you are going through (to some extent, we all feel things differently) PM me anytime you wanna vent, honestly!! Kristi
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((((((massive cuddles to you hun))))))))) I know how you feel hunni , you are not wasting our time so do not worry.
I suffer from the panic attacks mainly at night, i have to sit on the edge of the bed use a paper bag or you hands to gently bring yourself down.
all my love to you hun and if you need to talk just PM me
BB
Suzanne
xxx
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I've posted about this before (on anxiety threads)-- but I strongly urge you to seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist. They don't give drugs, but teach you to manage the physical responses to anxiety so that you can control your life again through a number of techniques (breathing, muscle relaxation, positive visualization, reality checking and so on-- it's a series of something like 8 techniques). Many places charge on a sliding scale and let you go in for free if you're willing to participate in studies.
Not being able to control my breathing as you're sayaing and being completely scared about not being able to control my emotions at all was what caused me to get cognitive therapy and it has completely changed my life for the better. I am one of the calmest people I know now when life throws stresses.
Failing that, yoga uses some (but not all) of the same techniques. It's not as directed, but it can help a little.
It was not a waste of time reading that,i feel like that very often also.Wish there was something i could do or say to help you.Hope you do feel better after getting that off your chest though.Best wishes,hope you feel better real soon.PM me if you need someone to chat with. Dont let life get the best of you......I know,easier said than done lots of ((((hugs))))
((((hugs)))) I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. I often feel the same way. I don't think you're fat, ugly, stupid, annoying and definitely not a waste of space! We do love you sweetie and we want you around for a really long time. I just got these 2 new workbooks, one for anxiety/panic attacks and the other for depression/self-esteem. They're The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D, and Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David D. Burns, M.D. They're really helping me a lot, so I just thought I'd share.
I just wanted to give a hug to you too...I thought I was totally losing it until I was diagnosed. I am now so much calmer and I even want to associate with people. I am on Effexor XR and I feel so much better. I still have a bit of anxiety, but I have always been that way, however my moods are much more stable and I don't get upset over little things anymore. Admitting you're in trouble really is a good step. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. *BIG HUGS*
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I just wanted to give you big hugs . It wasn't a waste of time to read your post. You are definately not fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, or an all around waste of space. I think you are a wonderfully caring person from the posts of yours I have read. Obviously your girlfriend thinks you are worth something special or she wouldn't be concerned and wanting you to get some help!
I am sorry that you are having a hard time finding someone to talk to. Maybe someone on here can recommend someone in your area. I don't think you should totally give up on finding a counseler. I am sure that it is tiring and frustrating, but for something so personal, you have to find someone you like. Hope you are feeling better soon. Let us know
Please I urge you to go to a doctor and fill him in on exactly how you are feeling.
(((((hugs)))))
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I just wanted to give you big hugs . It wasn't a waste of time to read your post. You are definately not fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, or an all around waste of space. I think you are a wonderfully caring person from the posts of yours I have read. Obviously your girlfriend thinks you are worth something special or she wouldn't be concerned and wanting you to get some help!
(((hugs))) I ditto what bbro said.You are not annoying, fat or ugly. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to anxiety cause I had really bad anxiety attacks a couple of years ago and it got so bad that my doctor put me on Paxil but that led to me gaining weight. Now my doc switched me to 10mg of Lexapro and I am much better. I hated that feeling of racing heart, sweating palms and my fears of dying. Now I can honestly say I am better cause of the Lexapro. If your anxiety is getting out of hand please talk to your doc cause there are ways on helping it. I hope you feel better soon.
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You are not a waste of time, and no one is, nor should they think of themselves to be that. You are here fomr some reason, everyone is they all have their own purpose. Hang in there, things will get better...its just that sometimes things seem to get worse before anything starts to turn around. Hold on to who you are, and try not to let it overwhelm you. Most of us, if not ALL of us have felt this way at LEAST once in our life, and some more then others. But we all make it through.
As for the self infliction upon yourself, I have been there to, on many many many occasions. Even if it is the only outlet that you know, try soemthing new, try writting it down, even if it is not meant for someone else to read it, tear it up and throw it out when you are done, you will at least get it off your chest. Sometimes when people start to write, and they are trying to write about how they are feeling, at first it is hard, but once you tap into it, it flows out like you wouldn't believe. Please don't do self infliction, you don't deserve to punish your own self for a way that you feel. What you feel is not something that you can help, but only try to manage. So hang in there, and never give up. Everyone here is here if you need them, and gladly will give you the support, or even a shoulder to cry on. A lot of us have been in this place before.
Message me anytime if you want to talk.
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Rainbow, it is good that you can finally admit that you have depression. Understanding the problem is the first step to battling it. Please know that there is help available. I'd strongly suggest you speak to your doctor to discuss the options. Nicole's mention of cognitive behavioral therapy sounds like a very good idea to me.
And, by the way, I actually want to thank you for post. Whenever I read about another person's experience it helps me, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in what I'm going through. So it was not a waste of time at all.
__________________ I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. - Helen Keller
Must admit I belong here... 
. It wasn't a waste of time to read your post. You are definately not fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, or an all around waste of space. I think you are a wonderfully caring person from the posts of yours I have read. Obviously your girlfriend thinks you are worth something special or she wouldn't be concerned and wanting you to get some help! 
