my bipolar husband wants a divorce

beejcee · 07-13-2008, 01:09 AM

hello,

today my bipolar husband (who i believe is not on the correct medication yet) told be he is unhappy with his entire life, including me.

he plans to see his counselor on tuesday and depending on what she says, he will make a decision for sure by july 31.

tonight this all came out and after a lot of crying on my part and trying to understand, i told him i needed to go for a drive. i told him i loved him and i would do almost anything for him. when i got back he was gone. no note. i called his cell phone and he was in a bar.

everything came to a head today because he insisted we couldn't use his car. it seemed odd but i didn't think about it at first. anyway, later, i noticed that the sun roof was open and went to check since they were calling for rain. that's when i noticed the remains of flowers on the floor of the back seat. he has not given me any flowers in 2 years and he doesn't garden.

i came back in the house and in an amazingly calm voice i asked him if there was someone else. he asked me why i thought that. i just said i could tell -- he doesn't look at me, he stays late at work and goes back every night for a couple of hours (is he really at work?)

he was diagnosed in jan and has been on the meds adjusting roller coaster since then. he has stopped seeing his counselor because he thinks its worthless.

we have been married for eight years. he wants me to leave PA and go to where his family is in seattle. but i am five years to retirement and if i leave, my retirement will be screwed up forever (i am a teacher and the longer you stay somewhere, the better your salary gets). i am the main breadwinner for our family and i don't want to risk everything i've worked so hard for in my career when i am so close to the end.

i don't think he is in love with me anymore and i am almost sure he will leave me at the end of the month.

i don't want to loose my husband who i still love very much. i can't get the thought out of my head that i vowed to love him til death do us part and in sickness and in health. what more can i do? what do you do when you promise someone forever and they don't want it.

thanks for listening. any advice would be greatly appreciated. i'd also appreciate any advice on how i should act or what i should do during this interlude of waiting until he makes a decision.

i wasn't sure who else i could talk to ....

poster13 · 07-13-2008, 01:50 AM

Hi Beejcee,

I know first hand what it is like to have lived with a family member with bipolar disorder. I myself have dealt with depression for many years. Your husband is probably experiencing depression with mood swings which is difficult to reason with.

Hopefully with medication and/or therapy he will act more stable in the near future. In the meantime if he is asking you to leave your job, move, etc. don't do it to appease him. He could change his mind when he is in a stable mood.

It sounds like he came up with these ideas on a whim, not thought out. Since you are in a better frame of mind do what You know is right. You can wait for his decision regarding leaving and that is his choice. It may be a good idea to temporarily separate for both of you.

My main advice would be if he doesn't follow treatment you'd better think hard about staying with him. Bipolar disorder is very difficult to live with as you know and can be unbearable if the person doesn't help themselves. I myself suffer from mood swings but I am in treatment so I speak from experience.

Good luck and hopefully your husband will help himself, you can't do it for him.

soulfulqween · 07-13-2008, 01:57 AM

If he won't go to counseling for his own disorder do you think he will put in the work to save your marriage? Would he go to counseling? Or compromise?

If he is in fact cheating that is a whole other issue to be dealt with. If I were to stay with a man who cheated I'd demand that we went to counseling...IF I stayed.

If you feel he doesn't love you then I'm not sure what to say, or suggest.
You say you don't want to lose him but I am not (just from my point of view with what you have supplied to us so don't take this wrong) seeing enough to warrant you staying, or waiting for his answer.

On another note I can't say I'd leave 5 yrs from retirement either. The way the economy and health care are...uh uuunnn no way. Seattle will be there in 5 yrs, your retirement plan and job will not be.

On ANOTHER note being bipolar can be tricky...that has to be treated properly so that he can function before he can even come close to dealing with you, or your marriage.

No matter what you decide or what happens I wish you the best, and have a PM box if you want to talk.

beejcee · 07-14-2008, 08:20 PM

dear poster 13 and soulfulqween--

thank you very much for responding to my posting. i was feeling very lost saturday night and your responses made me feel less alone. thank you.

i really don't know a whole lot about bipolar, which i have been trying to read more about recently.

tomorrow my husband says he is going to tell his counselor exactly how he is feeling and in his words "lay it all on the line with her." until then i am trying to remain neutral and give him lots of space.

i am not sure where our marriage will go but i have decided that since i am the "stable" one in our relationship, it would do me nor my husband any good to quit my job and move someplace else. if i would quit my job we would have no medical coverage and that would not be good.

this is really difficult for me but the thing that breaks my heart is that i can see how miserable my husband is and it's terrible to see someone you love making such self-destructive choices.

i also met my best friend from work, who has been divorced, today and spilled my guts and that REALLY helped, too.

if you or anybody who reads this has some suggestions about books to read or web sites i could look at besides this one, i'd greatly appreciate it.

i am saying a prayer right now for my husband, all of the bipolar people on this message board, and the people that love them.

thank you from the bottom of my very hurting heart.

soulfulqween · 07-14-2008, 08:56 PM

beejcee You are so very welcomed.

I think not moving is a good choice and researching bipolar is also a very good idea. I hope he is putting in even more work when he goes to the counselor. I really do hope that things work out for you.

I'm glad that the posts were able to help you and that your friend was there for you to talk to. Let us know how you are doing...best of luck.

Bethann · 07-14-2008, 11:08 PM

I'm the bipolar one, and DH found this book helpful:

Amazon

Amazon
(sorry, I don't know how to shorten the link.)

We've never been through what you're going through, (I'm more the one who tends to think he should leave me when I'm depressed...) but one thing I offered when I was first diagnosed was that if he wanted to come meet with my psychiatrist if he had any questions we could do that. It sounds like counseling might not be something he could agree to right now, but if he's still seeing his psychiatrist maybe you could go together?

As the bipolar one, it's not that I don't always love my husband, but sometimes I'm so depressed that I can't express it at all because it's like being at the bottom of a black hole--everything good gets sucked out. I don't experience full blown mania, but it sounds like he is (?) and I would bet that it's not that he doesn't love you, but that he's so in the grip of the disease he can't realize it/express it right now.

I'm really sorry you're going through this--do keep in mind it's not your fault, and that you need to be doing what you can to protect yourself (including your finances, especially if he tends to gamble/spend prolifically when manic).

I hope this helped a little.

ivetastedflight · 07-15-2008, 12:15 AM

"An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison is a great book. It doesn't talk much about relationships with Bipolar people, but it does give you a first-hand account about what it can be like for someone who is in the most unstable stages of Bipolar Disorder. It was still important for my husband to read because the author is a Psychologist who has Bipolar Disorder and she did and does the same things I did and do, and it was helpful for him to see that it wasn't just me that had these weird reactions to life.

I wish I had something more to say, but I'm the Bipolar one, and our 2nd to 3rd year of marriage is when I was at my sickest. I did a LOT of things to sabotage our relationship, but my husband never gave up on me. He was the only one. He gave me my space, but didn't enable me. I was able to recover and I owe it to him alone. I like to say that I am in "remission". I still suffer from depression, but I don't have full-blown manic episodes anymore - but there are still holes in the wall from when I did. I don't know why he stayed - but he says he so grateful he did. I think he might be crazier than me.

Good luck to you and your family - keep us posted.

SnowFlower · 07-15-2008, 12:29 AM

I dont have much advice but just wanted to give you big hugs and wish you a lot of luck. Keep us updated.

Ramblinjeep · 07-15-2008, 11:04 PM

Beejcee,

A friend of mine gave me an exceptional book, it's called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" and it's written for the partners of people who have bipolar disorder (I have it because my mom is bipolar and it provided me great insights). I can tell you that it's almost impossible to deal with someone who is in the upper highs or lower lows... being a teacher myself, I totally understand not wanting to move because of retirement! It took you 20 years to get where you are... and when you're feeling down, think of all the lives you have touched.

Keeping your family in my prayers...
wes

skeeweeaka · 07-18-2008, 05:36 AM

Hello, I am the bipolar one and sometimes during mania bipolars get into other relationships.... A good site for support is psychcentral.com they have a lot of valuable information about bipolar or Bipolarsupport.org....

Unfortunately, your husband is not being very rational right now... I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, but the illness is very difficult to treat in some people. I am what they call med resistant an so I have not found anything that works for me long term....

I wish you well and you are in my prayers...

TJ

beejcee · 07-19-2008, 12:27 PM

dear friends,

thank you for your concern and messages.

since i last posted my husband went into a full-blown manic episode. i discovered that in one week he had blown through $1200 in our checking account and the incident that blew it all open was that he said he was going to work and instead i found him at a single female coworker's house.

when he discovered i had traced him to her house, he literally went crazy when he came home. he locked himself in his bedroom and wouldn't come out. i left and went to stay with a friend and for a full day he kept himself locked in the bedroom. it got to the point that i was scared to come home and i had to call the police to come and help me get him out.

that night he called me crying hysterically and told me he had made a huge mistake taking himself off of the meds. he started to take them again that night and went to his psychiatrist the next day to tell him what happened.

we met in a neutral place and discussed what had happened and he agreed to go on his meds and to pursue marriage counseling. i decided to go away for two days to my parents' place, to think and get away. during that time, i realized that for me the trust has been destroyed in our relationship. i still love him and care about him but i can't see how i can face a future of such uncertainty (i found out about an affair he had been having prior to this in March and there have been numerous issues of money problems in the last three years.) he also charged $5000 on a company credit card for personal purchases which i had to pay off in April.

we have decided that at the end of the month he will go home to Seattle for 10 days and really consider if that's where he wants to go. in the meantime, he has agreed to turn all of the money over into my name exclusively, taking his name off of our joint accounts.

before i went to my parents' i had agreed to give marriage counseling a try but in my heart of hearts, i know for me, i can't go on in this marriage.

i am devastated that it has come to this, that i have had to cause so much anguish to my brother, parents and friends that know, and i am scared of the loneliness of being alone and single after 9 years of living with someone.

thanks for all of your good wishes. i guess i'll have to take this one day at a time.

soulfulqween · 07-19-2008, 01:18 PM

I'm sorry that things escalated the way that they have.

All i can say is that you have to do what is going to be the best for you and what is going to make you happy. If your heart has spoken to you on the issue, then that is what you should do.

I can't imagine the range of emotions that you are having right now. Just know that you can get through anything.

Please continue to let us know how your doing.