My dad died... and I'm struggling...

pamb · 06-12-2009, 05:04 PM

My dad died about 5 wks ago from cancer at the age of 54.

The first few weeks I thought I was doing okay, but I've been having a really hard time dealing with his loss lately. I feel like it's affecting every aspect of my life.

I lose my temper easily with my kids, DH and I haven't been getting along b/c I've been grouchy and snapping at him for things. I just feel so sad and angry. I cry alot. It just hurts so much.

I just don't know how long I'm going to feel like this. I've never lost anyone before so I don't know what the "norm" is.

Has anyone else been thru anything similar?? I would love if someone could share their experience(s) so I know I'm not alone.

fairy2323 · 06-13-2009, 03:46 AM

I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Luckily I have not had to go through this yet, though I have heard with many other people who have experienced loss that they have had the same feelings. If there is any way that you can visit a therapist, it might help the healing process to get your feelings out and work them through with someone. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

missyrooloo · 06-13-2009, 05:26 AM

I really want to let you know just how sorry I am to hear of your loss.
I lost my Mom at the age of 16, and gone through many other losses.
One thing I can say is there is no real "norm" each of us deal with loss in our very own personal private ways, but your anger irratibility sadness any emotion you feel is ok and you have every right to feel that way please know that. Grief is a process in which I dont think that one ever gets over, we just learn more of how to cope and go on and the day comes when you feel you can truly smile again and be happy.
As for family or friends (relationships) maybe sit your DH (and whole family at some point) down and tell him that for the time being you are not too sure how your moods are going to go and let him know this is one of those times in your life you really need him to hang in there and that if you blow up for what seems no reason it is likely the pain underneath and not him...Losing anyone especially a very close member in your family is hard, your DH may feel like he needs to make things better for you, but this is one of those things that you have to work through...grief you cannot side step...as hard as it maybe one has to go through it (a grief counselor told me that you cant go around it or else youll end up back at the beggining)..

Losing someone brings so many emotions form anger to sadness guilt irritability, ect....take time for yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself through this(time outs from stress, counseling/groups, whatever helps you and plain just cry when you feel like you need to)...don't ever feel like you should not feel any of the emotions you may be feeling or will feel, you will make it through hun. Take care of yourself, I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts *many hugs*

pamb · 06-14-2009, 03:43 PM

Thank you both so much for your responses!

Today has been a much better day so far. I did talk to DH and told him to just bear with me for a while.

I know each day will get better.... it has to right? I know my dad is in a better place and I take peace and comfort knowing that, but some days are just so awful. I treasure the good days lately, but I know I'll never be exactly the same person again.

I think I may check in to a support group in my town thru the Hospice group we used. It's always nice to have someone to talk to that's been thru what I'm going thru now.

fairy2323 · 06-15-2009, 03:49 AM

I think you're right in that it will get better in time. In the meantime I think that checking into a support group like you mentioned would be a great idea. I imagine it would help some to have other people to relate to who have been through something similar and can understand where you are coming from. I hope that you feel better soon!

pamb · 06-15-2009, 10:27 AM

Thanks so much Fairy! It really means a lot!

missyrooloo · 06-16-2009, 03:29 AM

Hospice support gorups are a great thing to get into, it is sometimes easier talking to others who are going through or have gone through loss too. Im glad that your day went a bit better. Use any tools you can in your community, they def can help.
You may have your ups and downs but hang in there on those down days and times...it sounds like you have great memories from you Dad and that is for sure a great thing to cherish...
Take care and let us know anytime if you need us, even to rant or anything =D

pamb · 06-16-2009, 09:54 AM

Thanks Missy!

Y'all don't even know how much your kind words and encouragement mean to me right now. I really appreciate it!

skismags · 06-17-2009, 02:43 AM

HI Pamb,
Just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. My mom passed away in January at the age of 61 from Leukemia. For me it's been 5 months yesterday and I can't get used to being without her. She was a huge part of my everyday life. I am sure it will get easier eventually but I am taking it a day at a time...Thankfully my brother and sister are close in age so we are able to talk and grieve together we all have the same memories of her which help alot. We are now dealing with my father and helping him he still hasn't found his place. They were married for 32 years and hasn't been able to cope quite yet. Just be strong for yourself and family.

pamb · 06-17-2009, 11:50 PM

Hey and thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss!

Lately I've had more good days than bad so I'm very thankful for that. Just working thru my grief one day at a time... it's all I can do.

Irishyid · 06-22-2009, 08:02 PM

Hi Pamb,
I too am sorry for your loss. my mother passed from lung cancer 3 years ago at the age of 62. Each day does get a little better as you "adjust" to the change, but of course that doesn't mean that it wont still hurt. the symptoms you describe sound alot like mine. when my mom was sick i was just "not happy" all the time... (even when she was doing well) and I didnt know why. things I enjoyed just held no excitement for me and I snapped at everyone. god bless my best friend! we were both in our mid 20's and she convinced me to talk to my doctor... I was diagnosed with depression, and when I look back I had been fighting it for years but always thought: " I am a strong person, and that this was something that I would "get over"... that because I didnt feel suicidal, i obviously didnt have a depression issue... and that those feelings would go away on their own. I felt that their wasnt anything sooo bad in my life that I should be depressed, after all everyone has bad things happen in their lives and they dont fall to pieces over it.. " that was my mindset for 6 years and i did "get over it" or at least I thought I was coping... then my mom got sick, and it all came down about my ears. like I said... god bless my best friend! she saw the changes in my personality and knew that I couldnt fix it on my own.. especially since I didnt know what the problem was. she talked me into going to see my regular doctor who put me on 20 mg of prozac and had me go to a counselor through my work. It was just enough to help me cope with things... and later we upped my dosage to 30 mg. I was afraid to go to the dr at first... i knew I wasnt crazy, and didnt want to have to "talk" to anyone about it... I knew deep down that it was just a hormonal imbalance... and come to find out.. I was right. While your feelings may be your grieving process... it also may be something else.. dont hesitate to go to your doctor if this progresses.... If i had it to do over again... I would have gone to the dr 6 years earlier. my rx is just enough to give "me" back but it makes all the difference in the world. I am now able to enjoy a beautiful day, a happy napping kitty, and my hubby.
with much luv,
Stephanie

pamb · 06-23-2009, 12:20 AM

Thank you Stephanie for sharing your story!

Yesterday was hard b/c it was Father's Day but I feel like overall my moods are starting to improve. I will not hesitate to get put on some meds if I don't feel myself continuing to improve! Thanks again!

Corvidae · 06-23-2009, 04:28 AM

Hi Pamb,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your Father.

I lost my Father suddenly 14 years ago to hear failure, he was only 56. It was hard the first few weeks and later when I found out that my Mother, who was with him when he died, did nothing to help him. She left him alone in the house and waited with the neighbours for 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. She was arguing with him when he died and was so angry with him that she just left him to die. She was always very selfish and I doubt she was thinking of the consequences at that moment.

It was hard at first, my Father and I were very close and shared the same hobbies. It was even harder watching my Mother spitefully sell off all his treasured possessions and figuring out what to do with myself on holidays when the family now consisted of my Mother and Brother and I. We weren't a family anymore, it was me and them... I was always closest to my Father. I married and moved far away to start a life completely my own.

I get along with the remains of my family long enough for a visit, but then I go back to my life. It's better that way. I've since divorced but I'm still close to my 'ex' relatives and have very good friends so I never feel alone.

14 years later I still keep a few things around to remember my Father. And I still think about him a lot, but they're good memories.

No matter how bad things seem at the moment, time will make it easier. The more time that passes the easier it gets. Take one day at a time and stick it out. Focus on what you have, family, friends, children, pets, whatever it takes to get you through the day. I put a lot of my time and energy into my work. When you get to the holidays do something completely different -- start a new tradition. It will get easier and easier and soon you'll feel that life is back to normal again. A different normal, but still normal.

pamb · 06-23-2009, 11:39 PM

Thanks so much Corvidae for your inspiring words! It's so helpful for me to hear from others who've been thru what I'm going thru now. Thank you for sharing your story!