My dd died just over 2 wks ago

Hazel 36 · 09-06-2003, 03:13 PM

Hi

You have probably seen my previous posts about Ellie, by DD who was born 13 weeks early with Down syndrome and contracted necrotising enterocolitis and sadly died on 20 Aug at 27 days old.

I'm posting today because I'm feeling so lost.....I don't know what to do next. Ellie shouldn't even be here yet....but we have had her and lost her. I know we are lucky compared to some...at least we got to know her, and to hold her. I just hurt so much. I thought I couldn't have children, then in February i found I was pregnant. Nothing was straightforward, I got anaemia, then gestational diabetes, then pre-eclampsia. Once Ellie was born I started to believe I would finally be a mummy, then she was taken away from us so suddenly. Everybody is devastated. Nobody knows what to say to us. All we have is photos of Ellie, some before, some after she died. There is such a great hole where she should have been. Where do we go from here? Im 40yrs old and this is the only time I have ever been pregnant. Will it ever happen again? Should we try again? Will it all happen again?

Sorry this is so long.....
Sue

terilynn112 · 09-06-2003, 04:04 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss Sue,

I just have to remind you You are a mommy. You always will be Ellie's mom. She'll always be in your heart. And you'll always love her.

In time you will heal enough to try again.

You're in my prayers.

Georges_mum · 09-06-2003, 04:31 PM

You were blessed with a beautiful daughter for a very short time, treasure the time you had with her.

e-mail me if you want, we live close,i am in bognor

~~ali~~

albo1975uk@yahoo.co.uk

JaneR · 09-06-2003, 05:02 PM

Oh Sue I am so desparately sorry for your loss - I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. My heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry I cannot give you any more advice or comfort, other than to say that my cousin was much the same, was told she couldn't have any more children (she's got one son via IVF who is now 21 years old and one she adopted) then at 40 she fell pregnant. Unfortunately she has been pregnant and lost 4 babies - the last one was just over 3 months premature and lived for 5 days, but she says she will never actually "give up". She says that as it has happened then it can happen again and you never know - the next time might be the *right* time.

I don't know if that helps - it was a bittersweet story I guess. What I'm trying to say is that you have to do what is right for YOU. No one else can say if want to try again.

Good luck whatever you decide and I hope that time will ease the pain.

Juana Baby · 09-06-2003, 10:33 PM

((((((((((((((((((((Big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))to you!

laural

MaLee · 09-07-2003, 02:05 AM

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry - like another said - you are a mommy even though she is no longer with you. If you feel like you want to TTC - go ahead. They say every pg is different - not much comfort but it does have a little hope.

Shannon816 · 09-07-2003, 04:09 AM

(((hugs))) I've never been in your situation, but my mother has, so I've seen how this can be so hard. There really isn't anything we can say to make you feel better. Yet, I'll share our story.

My parents dreamed of having four children, and started out with my brother, who is perfectly healthy. When he was in kindergarten, mom got pregnant again, and this being before ultrasounds and such, her doctor thought she was having a healthy baby again, yet mom knew something wasn't right. Finally, when she was 9 months along, her water broke, but the baby wasn't coming, so the doctors try to induce. It didn't work at first, and they almost had to take the baby, yet they gave the inducing one last shot, and it happened. However, as soon as the baby girl was born, everyone saw that something had gone wrong. Basically, you name it, it was wrong with my sister. While her physcial appearance was normal, she was blind, deaf, had no spleen, suffered from liver problems, had no muscle tone (she was limp like a rag doll), along with all sorts of other things, but she had so many things wrong with her that even the specialists couldn't even come up with a name for what was wrong.

My parents took her home, where she lived for 7 months. Mom was afraid of her being alone when the baby died, which she used to pray about. By "chance", the baby died on a Saturday, when my dad, brother, and their pastor who happened to drop by were all there. Mom says she felt my sister being lifted out of her arms, and even though it didn't ease her pain, at least she knew her daughter was in good hands.

According to my mother, a baby's death isn't something that you ever get over, but you do learn to cope with it. The first year was the hardest for her, and unknown to me, she used to cry on every holiday and my sister's birthday for years, until one year she decided she wasn't going to. She still thinks of her of course, and wonders what could have been, but in time it is something that she's learned to cope with. Don't feel bad about crying or being depressed, but do get help if you need it.

After my sister died, my parents knew they wanted more children, and aske their doctor about having other children like her. He assured them that it was a "one in a million fluke" that would never happen again. They decided to take one more chance, and it resulted in me. Although I am obviously not as bad as my sister, I had some healthy problems, so my parents settled on the family they had. Still, I've had an overall "normal" life, so there have been no regrets.

So, I think if you want another baby, it could happen, if you and your husband decide you want to try again. I'm very sorry that you're having to go through all of this.

ShannonD · 09-19-2003, 10:15 PM

So sorry for your loss. My dear son Samuel was stillborn in July. Nothing I can think of is harder than the loss of a child. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Shannon